Judy2

good:) and what would make it better? can you name one thing that would feel good, and do that? just one thing.

@Sugarcoat what would make your current life situation more tolerable?

i started feeling a bit better i took a nice shower this evening i received positive feedback from my professor i booked a train to go home again next week - hoping to have a good time then, to have a good lived experience overall i am trying to be in tune with myself, my emotions, and my bodily sensations (which is weird and it's weird to be Me and to be Here, and to be Alive, and to be a Part of Existence,...but whatever) i am feeling hopeful in some moments: making plans, setting goals for myself, considering how it might be alright after all. at the same time, i am trying to remind myself to relax and enjoy the process, too (because there is no future; this is it).

@Carl-Richard thank you for sharing 🙏 yes, i've noticed that, too. that's why i like doing my embroidery work. it sort of combines this very meditative, repetitive, yet light manual labour with the side-effect that you get to see something beautiful unfold right in front of you. it's very calming on the nerves.

when that one guy starts singing, it literally feels as though knives are slicing through my body. the anxiety sky-rockets, i grab all of my stuff and RUN down the hallway to get AWAY from this. it's not fair that i can't feel safe in my own apartment. i don't like this, i'm not happy with this. it shouldn't be this way.

i feel anxious and uncomfortable because my neighbours are SO LOUD, i can constantly hear them in the hallway. i don't know how to cope with that. it's not feasible for me to spend all of my waking hours at the library...this is exhausting, i do not know how to resolve this situation. i feel super uncomfortable and vulnerable. all the noise is cutting right through me, all day long. it HURTS. it literally hurts.

[feeling a bit low today] • i like that my thigh muscles show the work i've put into them at the gym • i like that i pushed through this morning and worked on my thesis despite feeling low • i am proud of myself for sticking with the deadline that my counsellor set for me and that i sent the email to my professor this morning • i acknowledge and respect the fact that i am still trying to pick myself up and keep on going • i acknowledge and respect my endurance to keep going even though things aren't as easy as i'd like them to be • i am grateful that i slept well and woke up feeling well-rested and re-energised this morning • i am grateful that i am going to the library now • i am grateful for the fresh air outside • i am grateful that i have an abundance of beautiful clothes to wear that keep me warm and comfortable

[i feel bad, everything is difficult.] my bag with the flowers on it is pretty my folder with the bicycle and the flowers on it is pretty my dad was being supportive when i told him about a struggle this evening i went to the gym today i cycled at the gym today i wore my anthracite set at the gym today i ate pineapple, which is supposed to be good for digestion i liked my hair today i am trying to be good to myself and resist the pressure to self-harm this morning i heard the wind in the trees and i saw the green trees and that felt nice the sky is pretty

my neighbour has made me feel uncomfortable and i am feeling pressure to cut myself. trying not to.

@Chaddersnoted:) thank you!

i'm still confused about the approach i should take in terms of my diet now. going to the shops is still really stressful because i genuinely don't know what's right...it's still really scary and overwhelming, to look at all the food and having to decide what to buy. yesterday, i had an appointment with a nutritionist and she told me to eat more healthy fats - not sure if i'm gonna. i'm not sure if the right thing to do now is to eat until satisfied on my old safe foods and be mega-bloated every day because of all the fibre and protein. focus on whole foods, getting rid of all the artificial sweeteners and diet products, introducing whole grains and healthy fats - but i think it would be too easy to overeat on those and then i'll be bloated AND gain weight. just eat what looks nice at the shops and also have some processed foods - but i literally wouldn't know where to draw the line, and i wouldn't know which processed food would be 'worth it', if i'm having to be selective about those. not sure if i permanently confused my body with all the volume-eating (the shirataki noodles and artificial sweeteners and the kilos of veg), and now i'll never feel satiated on healthy foods unless i completely stuff myself. - not sure how to deal with that, and i feel a bit helpless.

[i feel stupid, i hate this journal] i am grateful for sleep and rest i am grateful for having a comfortable bed to sleep in i am grateful for having access to spiritual and self-help teachings i am grateful for having beautiful writing materials and journals to write in i am grateful for my pink keyboard and mouse because they look aesthetic and make working a lot more enjoyable i am grateful for the work i have put into my thesis these past two weeks i am grateful that it finally seems like i may manage to write my thesis i am grateful that i had the motivation to shave my legs this morning i am grateful for the existence of my friends

not really happy and feeling a bit bad about myself...

it is okay to feel how i feel, in any given moment.

i'm still scared. all of this is new. i'm still unsteady, only learning how to walk. i only know the world in terms of extremes, and when that is gone, i get quite confused as to what to believe and where to hold onto (or "what to do with myself", as i would have phrased it in the past when i was still hesitant to do what i am doing now...and i do it now, not because i suddenly know it all, but because i know probably even less than before? because what i thought i knew before didn't really get me anywhere.......i'm just swimming (or walking, to stick with the analogy) out into the open, and there's Nothing there, no path....i have to create it as i am scrambling along, have to figure out where to go as i am walking, and walking itself isn't something i haven't mastered yet. for some reason, balance and moderation are scarier than any kind of unhealthy excess that i've become acquainted with throughout the years. with extremes, at least you know what's up and where to go. with balance, you're so unsteady, hovering in the middle, not sure what to use as orientation, how to get a clear sense of direction. that balancing act of hovering somewhere in the middle takes a lot of emotional confrontation, i guess. a lot of needing to tolerate and hold the emotions as they come up in my body, to sit with them patiently...which is practically entirely new for me.

@Princess Arabia i think the part where i'm supposed to do things for their own sake did the trick:) cause then there's nothing left to worry about, at least in that moment.

it's still scary to be me. i'm still very insecure. also, i'm realising that this whole process is less about "the good and the bad" and so much more about loosening my dichotomous patterns of thinking and cognition.

... got something a bit weird to share lol. so these past few days i've been watching some videos by Teal Swan and it got me thinking in terms of parts work and so on. i inquired into the whole bloating situation and played around with some perspectives (food-body-me, treating all of them as though they had a consciousness of their own) and came to some really odd conclusions. maybe i have now cracked the code for mindful eating...not sure. so basically i was asking how my mind - body - food all think of each other. as of now, neither of them is really trusting the other, so i tried to think of it in terms of how they might show respect or appreciation for each other as to build more trust. and then i sort of realised that i probably haven't been showing a lot of respect to the food that i eat, so there's a huge discord between it and my mind and body, and that may be causing the bloating. given that we are talking about a relationship with food here, i could turn eating into a whole conversation or communication between me and my food, and essentially tell my food how i feel about it while i prepare it and eat it? kind of stupid that i haven't thought of this before...it's like we're eating all the time and so of course there is a relationship aspect going on, and of course we should be mindful of that and show respect to our food. that sounds so odd, probably like i am on drugs or something...but it might actually be helpful? i'll try it out for a few days. ...it definitely feels quite vulnerable to be talking about food on here, to be honest. to be talking about my relationship with food - given that i have struggled with that for about a decade now, probably long before that, probably since i was a kid. very vulnerable. but i guess vulnerable is my new thing now? i'm still very scared, but i'll keep pushing myself. it seems like the right thing to do? to "feel the fear and do it anyway", as stereotypical and outdated as that sounds.

@Princess Arabiayes i was just joking around, i know what you meant:)

it's still difficult to focus on my thesis when emotionally, i'm dealing with so many things all at once. but i'll try my best.

...i can feel and be all of those things. but i feel so scared. but i can be alive and feel alive, and interact with life in a safe, effortless way. the feeling safe while interacting with life just needs some working on, i guess. a lot of working on. but when i do interact with life while feeling safe - and those moments do exist, i know - it feels safe and "normal" and effortless, nothing too deep, too existential...just normal existence. and yet that's something so special to me, even though it's so ordinary, cause i tend to think i don't deserve it (at least "not now, not yet"). it's so trippy to give myself that benefit of the doubt and to start believing that i am allowed to EXIST in this dream. it changes everything. takes time. takes stamina, calling it back into memory again and again...not falling for old beliefs. when the mind is used to those dichotomies of black and white thinking, and your very permission to exist, to BE hinges upon things being either right or wrong...it's funny what dimensions everything can take on. specificlly in regrd to your relationship to yourself, your own emotions, other people, randomly selected parts of experience that you project significance onto, life itself - everything. they're either heaven or hell, and in some moments the sense of contrast can elevate certain aspects of the Mind, of experience, to such spiritual realms, such highs...isolated highs, that only exist because of the dichotomous cognitive patterns. so if that cools down, if your permission to exist is suddenly unconditional...it all takes on a very ordinary note (i theorise?), it loses its massive heroin-like shininess along with the potential for the inevitable hellish come-downs...taking on this very ordinary, moderate shininess? (may need to rephrase this later.) don't know if i'm making sense here or if i managed to put into words what i was trying to say. had too much caffeine again. MIND, the dream, THIS, BEING HERE, BEING ALIVE ...is so trippy. ... i feel fascination for all the things that MIND can do.

(i'm scared.) life is scary. i'm not safe here. i want to feel safe. i want to feel happy, grounded. held, relaxed, connected.

i feel really bad about myself, like i'm really bad because life is still chaotic and i still am and feel unstable and unsteady so it's really, really, really wrong of me to be doing things differently and to be acting as though i knew what i was doing and as though i am allowed to exist and be here. that is so so so bad of me.

i want it to be seen and acknowledged how much hard work i am doing right now. ouch.

i feel bad. because i am - and i certainly still feel - so inherently unstable, so what am i even doing here, trying to do things differently now. that's bad of me! i'm not supposed to be doing that, not allowed to be doing that... ...i'm supposed to be doing the dysfunctional stuff, supposed to be quiet and silent and meek, self-contained...small, tiny, starving myself, hurting myself, hating myself. i'm supposed to be doing all of those things. so what am i even doing here, doing all of the opposites? that's bad of me. that's evil. i shouldn't be doing that. i'm not allowed to be doing that. and given that the paradigm is that people can only change with therapy, it's twice as bad that i am now suddenly able to change even without someone telling me how, or someone supporting me throughout, or someone reassuring me that that's the right thing (cause that's whati would have needed cause it is fucking difficult). that's so bad of me....i shouldn't be doing this, it's so wrong of me. to be doing all the hard stuff and the next therapist will tell me how i only changed on my own because i wasn't properly sick enough and not struggling enough.... i'm in pain.