Judy2

maybe it is true after all that i just need to go home, build myself some structure in life, some stability...and then I'll feel better. things will be a little less chaotic, there'll be less life-changing decisions being thrown my way all the time, nothing to spike my anxiety on a regular. i can just go home, get grounded. finish my degree and take a year off just to build some structure in life (hobbies, social life), and i'll feel a lot more secure, held, supported. i guess? that's still grounded in chaos - everything is grounded in chaos, from where i'm starting. so it truly doesn't matter, i just have to start somewhere.

i just want to be happy and safe i just want all this fear, this constant struggle, constant anxiety to end seems impossible it seems like i'll always be terrified, always bending over backwards and in five different directions because i'm convinced it's required to ensure my personal safety ...do i just stop caring? just live and act recklessly, and learn that it's okay and i'll survive? i'm not sure. definitely not feeling supported at all. you would think a psychosomatic clinic is supposed to support you in this, but no. i told them this is my key conflict, and they just don't seem to care, they're completely ignorant or in denial about how fundamental this is. me feeling lost, scared of life, alone, ....

... i'm still in the dark when it comes to that decision-making process. do i just pick one - whichever i like - and then begin to feel supported in that decision? right now all i feel is doubt. and fear. and desperation. and a bit of sadness because it seems hopeless, it's a never-ending struggle....will i ever make it out of this alive? will i ever feel safe? i haven't felt safe in years, decades. will there ever be an end to this, some sort of resolution? lasting happiness, groundedness? i'm trying so hard all the time - never do i seem to get there. oh well. working on it! trying! every second of every day. i'll get there.

i'm scared i want to know i'm safe and i want somebody to comfort me and hold me

i'm struggling. i'm scared, i feel alone i want somebody to hold me (squeeze me) and comfort me i can't expect people to help me if i don't talk to them about the stuff that's going through my head then i sit there, half-dissociated weighing the pros and cons of whether i should (can, may) open up about everything in the first place opening up is so difficult i don't want to be vulnerable don't want people near me who could say something that might hurt me, or stir things up too much inside me

i'm scared i don't know what to do

i don't know still scared still second-guessing myself

i'm scared i might be doing something wrong, or stupid, or sabotaging myself. i'm always scared. ...i'm always scared and always second guessing myself anyway, so i might as well just do what i want? i'm still responsible, i'll still look out for my safety, my happiness, my overall well-being. i trust myself in that. so i might as well just go do whatever it is that i want, if no one is taking that burden from me, if i'm all alone in deciding what to do anyway. and if my head is going a bit crazy and fearful and questioning that (out of habit), then so be it "I don't really wanna know what's good for me, God's dead, I said, Baby, that's alright with me" if i'm always scared of doing something wrong, no matter what i do, i might as well just do what i want.

just a lot. lots of thoughts, lots of perspectives... ...okay i'll keep going now:) maybe more later.

a lot of stress and a lot of emotion lately....

i don't know if it's right that i'm dealing with this all on my own. maybe i shouldn't, maybe there should be some kind of support, someone guiding me. maybe that would be legitimate. (maybe it's evil that i'm trying to cope with this all on my own? maybe i should be too weak to succeed, should be more of a victim, should be sicker...) i don't know it's a lot

i'm still the same girl who's got no idea what she's doing or where she's going no idea if this is right, but i'll just come to terms with that, and allow myself to feel ...is that the way to handle that? not sure. how the hell would i know. ...just living... ...Gosh, i'm scared of Life. terrified. terrified of being alive. but here i am.

i don't know....i'm a mess. i'm scared.

maybe it's stupid to go, maybe it's unwise but i want it anyway i have to do everything on my own anyway, so i'll do this on my own. okay?

GOSH i'm SCARED and everything is so COMPLEX but this. is. right. aaah. and it'll be REAL, of course. and we all know i'm scared of Reality. but i want this. OH God. ...been wondering, too, if i'll dissociate when i get there. i might. if so, i know how to deal with that now. or i might indeed stay sober. i don't know which one will be worse. they're equally terrifying. God, i wish i could AVOID this forever. but i can't escape Reality anyway...one version of Reality, i'll have to live. (interpret, interpret, interpret, be anxious!, make sure it's the right one!) i can't have Perfection, i can't know what'll happen ...but i know i want this. i'm imperfect, maybe i'm even ugly maybe i'm too weak and broken to make everything "go right" but i want this ....ah, ah, ah... like i said, those feels i was talking about

maybe if i go back for some wrong reason, out of a wrong, impure motivation, out of the wrong context i'll "ruin the story" my beautiful life story that i am so anxious to protect, so anxious to write "right", so anxious to control, to "make it go right", to make sure i'll make it out of the story as the beautiful, virtuous heroine. make it out looking good, so i should be anxious and make sure nothing goes wrong (interpret, interpret, interpret). i really shouldn't mess this up. ...I DON'T CARE. i want to go back. my heart wants me to go. because i have a soul, i may be harsh and cold at times but Gosh i care about my home and my parents (and my brother!) and that beautiful house, that beautiful village where i spent so many years of my life. i want to go back...simply because i can...and may. out of all the things in the world, i know i want this. so i'll just go and get it.

i don't know if this makes sense, or if it has to make sense i'm scared i'm terrified but i'll just do this and see what happens and give myself some time to feel through all the things i'll feel i'm ready hit me

...i think? i'm still scared. but i don't care. out of all the things that i don't know, i do know that a return to my hometown, the place where i grew up, where i spent my childhood, where my parents live, my brother lives! ...would be meaningful, would be something that i want, and all else is something i'll figure out later.

i wanted to preface this by saying that "emotionally, i'm a mess"...but that's what i say all the time, nothing new about that. i made the decision that i'll be visiting my parents next week. i haven't been at their house, let alone near my hometown, in five long years. and MY HEART IS TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD GO now, i don't know if this is right. i don't know if my motivation is right...it's shades of grey, as usual. but all the whiteness and blackness of my Soul is telling me that i should go, that i want to go, that i need to go... that i'm terrified, but if people do want me being decisive, and if making mistakes is okay, if perfection isn't required ...i should go. simply because i want to. for all the wrong reasons, and for all the right reasons, too. i'm done analysing if this is "healthy me" or "sick me" wanting this. i want this. i'm scared, and circumstances aren't ideal...they never were in five years, of course. it's brave that i want to go regardless, i think. and i'll be a mess, going back. i'll feel all the feelings being back. i'm prepared for that. i want that. i'm brave, and i am strong. and i'll be happy, coming back after all those years.

@meta_male thank you:)

@meta_male yeah idk if it's right that i feel a desire to share those pictures. maybe that's just a very toxic, disordered part of me that wants them to be seen.

guess the ones with my face on it look a bit more friendly, at least a tiny bit less ostensibly disordered a tiny bit more like there's an actual girl, an actual soul living in there which is what i wanted to be seen all along and maybe i'd want it to be seen now but i can't really find an appropriate place to share those pictures...so i'll have to contend myself for now, maybe try again later

okay let's try (edit: tried, deleted)

balance, not black and white but shades of grey, that's scary that's groundless chaos unknown territory ...anarchy, like i said where do i hold onto? is there anything my hands could grasp? or is it all just free-fall forever

if i'm honest, this is pretty good. maybe i should be proud of myself, it's taken long enough to get to this point. it's just weird that these realisations come in spirals. they're truthful, but then i go on to see and feel that it still matters what i'll be like as a person (if i'm likeable, if people think i'm smart, and pretty, and all those kinds of things), and i'll still have to worry about that in the future, at least to some extent. so there'll be a balancing act, which sounds kind of exhausting.