Judy2

i feel very distrustful of my old room. my room! but it's not really mine, it doesn't feel like it anymore.

like...this is supposed to be it? this is supposed to be home, the real home, the real version of it, again, after all this time? physical space is just strange, always has been!

my room definitely seems quite strange. it all seems strange, it's all so weird, such a shock.

can i just say that walking into a home you haven't lived in in 5 years feels extremely trippy, strange, and foreign? the roads, i recognised. i know them all by heart. the road where my parents' house is felt a lot smaller than my memory of it, and so does the house itself. it's just trippy. and then we have my room. it's supposed to be my heart, my centre...it doesn't feel like that anymore. it'll be one hell of a funny process figuring out where the centre of my Universe is supposed to be now. if this is not it, and i'm estranged, everywhere. even where i know all the roads by heart. this is just so trippy. i look around and think, this is supposed to be it? that magical place i could only access by memory in the past 5 years, and this is supposed to be the real-life version? wouldn't be curious at all if some major dissociation started kicking now. everything is turning in my head. would be cool to realise the Universe has absolutely no centre after all, that it's all just groundless...not sure if we're getting there? anyway, another thought that popped up was "no, i can't stay here, not for too long" oh, i guess we'll see in the days to come. i'll stay and explore the area, walk all my old walking routes and visit some of my favourite places....they're all ever-so slightly distorted now. like i said they seem smaller. i'll stay, explore, and then figure out whats next.

going home. i'm happy and i'm looking forward to it i'm just a little sad that i have to be so worried and stressed about all sorts of things while going back... i wish it weren't so. but it is so....so i'll let those worries be if they want to be and try to make the best of it anyway, try to let them co-exist with the beauty of going Home...

and i'm weak. sometimes i'm too weak to be smarter than my thoughts, or to act in resistance to all my disordered thoughts, to endure and push through and act wisely even when they make me feel guilty and talk to me in such a mean tone...

i'm still mentally ill, still struggling with my self-worth, which is why i need the ed, which is why i am struggling in life and everything's a mess and i'm a mess. sad.

i guess my brain sort of thought it would make it easier to go back home now that i'm at least slightly underweight again. that that would make it some sort of beautiful full-circle moment. now i'm thinking it's kind of sad....that i'm going back home and basically nothing's changed and i'm STILL mentally ill, STILL my own greatest nemesis. i mean, sure, some things have changed a bit, i've evolved a bit, i'm not entirely back to square one, i'm at least a little wiser than i was before. but i'm still SO naive. and it's sad that i'm still mentally ill and still struggling so much in life. i wish it weren't so, i wish i could return in the spirit of a victory, rather than a defeat. that's on me. i could have just as easily returned while being at a healthy weight, and taught myself by that that i don't need an eating disorder to have permission to go home. oh well....

that's one crazy, unique life story.

it's incredibly brave of me that i'm going back home, after all this time. pretty badass. i'll be surrounded by all the old places, the streets and houses, woods and fields. i'll find myself bombarded with the paraphernalia of my childhood i'll meet some people i haven't met in years it's pretty brave of me that i am willing to face all of this, willing to reconnect with such an important, long-lost part of myself no matter how dubious the circumstances may be that brought me back, this can only be right. it's a place where life wasn't always easy....where things got so challenging i basically had to run away to stay alive. so in many ways, i must have felt like my environment wasn't pure enough, wasn't safe enough there, wasn't free from danger. i'm willing to face that now, and face it with nuance. perhaps i don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater:) is what i'm trying to say. i can acknowledge all the love and beauty reflected in the places and objects of my childhood - such a huge part of ME that i have coldly and cruelly pushed away and avoided, because i had to, because it was all muddled up with so much pain... and still live with the fact if things aren't all simple, all perfect, all one-dimensional and free from conflict there. (which is why i ran, back then, because i couldn't handle the idea that they didn't have to be all "white" and still i'd be safe to attempt healing...) oh, that sounds daunting. but it couldn't be any other way, and i'll be able to cope, somehow. i'm strong and brave, i know what i'm in for, and i know i can do this.

~

slightly different topic... one of the scariest aspects of anorexia is just how crazy addictive it can be. how it can absorb your mind, infect your reasoning, take away years of your life and have you believing all those thoughts, about how it would be better for your well-being or your identity to "just stay skinny", how that is necessary because you don't have anything else, and so that (being too thin) should be that something special your friends know you by... otherwise, you're so naked, you lack the confidence to stand there all empty-handed and still feel pretty... and it can be so tempting, so convincing.... that you just need to keep being sick. if that isn't a reason to want health and to want to eat, i don't know what else is. because those thoughts alone, becoming tempted and mesmerized by thoughts that force you to treat your body badly while thinking this is perfection, thinking this is so deep and spiritual and profound, thinking you enjoy the process and you are trapped and you have to keep doing that...those thoughts are scary. those thoughts alone are so scary they make me feel okay with the thought of looking normal and healthy, looking bigger and more grounded. i guess your mind also needs a bit of health in it to even recognise these thoughts as scary. i'm glad i do, nowadays. i can say that so smartly now, even though things don't look as serious from the outside...if i weighed 10 kilos less, paradoxically i would probably be less, and not more, aware of how scary that situation is. (except for moments of intense crises). but anorexia is scary no matter what weight you're at, because the mental, emotional suffering (entrapment) is ultimately the same. but the thoughts sucking you deeper into the addiction literally get louder the lower you are, and it's scary how a few days of fasting can quickly activate all these thought spirals. i'm allowed to be healthy and at a slightly higher weight if that means it's keeping my head reasonable and sane, and somewhat immune to those addictive thought spirals. being at a normal, healthy weight is good if it means that i am able to think clearly and feel stable, without getting sucked into all sorts of delusions about needing to starve myself "because it's so deep and profound and beautiful and perfect". that anorexic "high"can be so mesmerising, it's scary. it can feel so perfect and beautiful and complete, so surreal. so addictive. in the past i always got mesmerised and believed in how good and right that beautiful, sublime state must be...but i think i'm too scared to let myself be mesmerised again. i'd rather miss out on that perfect beauty than be absorbed in a weird, crazy addiction that's very harmful. of course you always ignore (perhaps even adore and get off on) the harmful aspects when mesmerised by that perfect, perfect high...aaah... ...i don't know, i'm just trying to explain this with words, cause this is so fascinating to me, still. at least i've still got those pictures from when i was at that beautiful, beautiful high, at that perfect place. i don't need to go back and don't want to go back. it's crazy intense down there, it comes with a gigantic high...but it's not worth the costs. it must be a weird, wrong sort of perfection and high (like the one i'd get from looking in the mirror when i look starved), if it's embedded in so much suffering and hurt. it's okay to value stability, sanity, even if it comes with oblivion to that perfect peak state or view, even if that seemingly heavenly gate remains closed and things don't get as intense in life. it's okay to value moderation and groundedness, rather than seeking that high, seeking points of crisis to feel the rush.

...i don't know. like i said, things have been a mess this far. but i'll be okay. i know i will be okay. somehow. i'll make it work.

(i am scared. i fully believe those stories, fully believe how complicated everything is and that i literally need to bend over backwards, all the time, to keep safe.) (...and on and on...)

Life has simply been a bit weird and unpredictable these past few months, has taken me down some unexpected twists and turns...and now i'll end up back home:) i am glad. i don't need to read too much into the circumstances, it's okay that things have been a mess so far. i'll be back, i'll try to enjoy myself, forget about the past, think about what i WANT moving forward. think about all the good things i want to do i don't care about "karma".... it doesn't matter what has happened up until now....i can ignore all those stories, all those concepts "on paper", all those ideas that made me behave in weird ways because i thought they were so complicated. i am free to do whatever i want to do. i am free to go ahead and LIVE and enjoy life now. i can LIVE!!! i can Be! i'm alive, Life is now, i'm ready to go Home i am allowed to let myself get excited and be happy about that!

i'm happy to be going home:) ...and i'll be okay! i know i'm hella complicated, overcomplicating things in life all the time...but i'll be okay. and all in all, i know that i want to be happy and healthy, so i don't need to be scared. because i'll figure it out and get there, make that happen eventually. i know i can and will make it happen, i know what to do.

i'm sorry if my thoughts are stupid

now that's the kind of motivation the doctors think i don't have, because i want to go home first before i start acting on it again. and they'll write in their nice little letter that i'm not motivated to recover, and then when i do it all on my own again i'll feel extra-guilty. so be it, i guess? my life is complicated and this is so weird.

and if i undereat and don't gain weight, at least i'll look good but also i KNOW that being at a healthy weight is good i recently saw a picture from two years ago where i'm at a healthy weight...and i fully understand how and why i was insecure about her, but she also has a very mature (almost sexy) look. it's just something i'm not used to, something i don't feel comfortable in, because i feel so different on the inside. because i lack the confidence to carry it well, i guess. but technically i know that being at a healthy weight is great, perhaps even superior. it's just that being very thin also has a certain appeal. ....and then it's just such a huge, existential conflict, huge dilemma, again. because there's so much that hinges and depends on this. i know maintaining a low weight isn't fun on a day to day basis, isn't a nice way to live. but the aesthetics provide safety, for sure. and it's also just easier to stay there (now that i made it here sort of by accident), sometimes, than to confront the whole self-worth self-confidence issue i am struggling with when at a healthier weight. but yeah, ultimately, i want to get back to a healthy weight. Question is: when. maybe after things have cooled down and stabilised in my life ...or maybe this needs to be done before that, to help things stabilise. i'm not dramatically low, i almost look normal...but i can feel a significant difference for sure. definitely planning on looking for a therapist at home, even if i "failed" stationary treatment. it's not black and white...i can still keep trying every day. (i could just relapse...i could just be skinny forever (because that's who i am) or get lower again, let things escalate even further... or just escalate in the sense that i'll force myself to maintain a low weight for a few more months - but is that really what i want? no, it's not. i know it's not. but god those thoughts are loud.) i don't want an eating disorder in the long term. i want to live a healthy, happy life and feel comfortable in my body, feel safe and stable and grounded. feel physically grounded.

when i'm trying to figure out what is right, it always tends to be confusing because my ego has multiple definitions of what is right, and usually they're antithetical. right or wrong for a me that tries to be healthy, selfless, loving and live a functional life and right and wrong for the scared, small, anxious me that's just trying to survive, and sometimes the best way to achieve that is by hating myself or hurting myself and then sometimes i can't figure out which me i should listen to or act in favour of, and then everything gets so messed up.... not at all unfamiliar.

so maybe that was just stupid, toxic me who made that decision. to not get better where i'd receive some level of support, because it would look prettier to arrive at a significant place (at home) in crisis and to then make a change there. (not very smart because hunger will be triggering and have me thinking scary thoughts again, that i should just relapse etc.) i should be ashamed of myself, for working like that. it's really quite embarrassing... also i'm feeling slightly dissociative, might be because i'm fasting today. anyway, i will go home and, despite having constructed this in such a stupid way, i guess i am still free to make the best of it when i arrive. and to take good care of myself there (i.e. eat) after all.

... it's official, i'll be going home this thursday. right now there's still a bit of heaviness and oppression in the air. maybe this is yet another failure, i failed to open up more during therapy, failed to let my therapist at the clinic fully in on things, failed to make better use of the support that would have been offered here. i failed and was sceptical from the start, even before i came here, and didn't manage to fundamentally change my attitude during the stay. always scared to make a decision, always hovering between opening up and closing off, undecidedly. oh, i wish i could be coming home under different circumstances - not after technically "failing" my first dbt therapy - at least that's what it'll say on paper. but it is what it is. not that unusual, if you read the textbooks. mum says i shouldn't consider things all black and white. she still doesn't know my diagnosis yet, but i suppose that's exactly the thing a borderliner needs to be told. it's okay that there's no "right" point in time for me to come back home. life is chaotic, that's okay...it's already a huge win that i'm willing to try and go back. (shy smile) good news to you all is that i'll officially stop referring to myself as a "borderliner" soon...that's just the thing you do when you're in that treatment setting...not out in the real world. out in the real world, i'm just me. and i'll be going home now, i'll see my brother, i'll meet his long-term girlfriend in person for the first time, i'll be seeing my childhood best friend... and maybe there'll be a way. ...although i am feeling a bit demotivated now, which is sad. i wish it weren't so. i wish i could be happy and hopeful and see a new way....but that's kinda not the case, knowing i'm leaving here two weeks early because they think i lack the commitment to invest in my healing. if my doctors are considering this a failure, too, i feel like i'm obliged to believe that as well (for how long do i have to be unwell now until i make that count?)...when i might just as well manage to get better on my own (back to a healthy weight, for example), at home. which sounded more romantic than getting better here, which is why i wasn't opening up here, for fear it might change things too quickly and make things boring when i get the chance to go home at a more stable point in life lol. it's just that i'm feeling demotivated (and low-key triggered...) in that area if i know they don't believe in me and that's why they're letting me go. ...whatever, i might just get their letter and tear it apart. because it doesn't matter what they believe. but yeah basically if i had to tell the truth, i wanted to make it back home before i gain too much weight, just because i suspected that would feel better or be easier on my head (because i'm oddly stubborn in trying to construct "romantic" scenarios in my life)....and then i had to keep myself from eating more and gaining weight here, and that's why they're letting me go and it would be hella awkward to have it say on paper that i'm unwilling to change my eating behaviour, have that be the reason why i fail stationary treatment, just to go home and eat more right away on my own .... although i wouldn't know for how long i'd be required to relapse until it counts and i'm allowed to change again and really try and get better again...weird thoughts in my head, i apologise. that's me being way too honest again, so honest it's kinda ugly...but i don't have the nerve to keep censoring myself, it's exhausting.

maybe those are all the most toxic aspects of my soul, of my personality, telling me to go home now maybe this is a mistake maybe it's just gonna make things harder for me down the line, gonna make things unnecessarily difficult for me (wouldn't be so atypical of me to choose the tough way, the rough way, or overcomplicate things for myself...perhaps also to make things a lot harder for myself than they need to be) there's not a lot of joy, or positive anticipation. a tiny bit, perhaps. mostly there's fear, and doubt. it's nauseating. i don't know if it's supposed to feel that way, if i'm supposed to push through all that, or if these are warning signs i shouldn't ignore. i don't know.

@samijiben thank you:) yes, i figured that technically, everybody should be able to relate.

i wonder why it is that i feel this way, why this is such a big struggle. i don't know. no one seems to relate or get me, no one even seems to understand what my problem is, why this is such a big problem.