Judy2

that is pretty smart though

@Joshe isn't it a shame that we're either young and 'stupid', or old and wise? i think that's so tragic.

sorting through my relationship with food i don't know where to begin, but i had the spontaneous urge to note down some of the thoughts i have been having on the topic. first of all, i am thinking back to the dbt ward i was on last summer. i am not exaggerating when i say that probably half the women on this ward were overweight, if not severely obese, while the other half or so was underweight or at least quite skinny. evidently, at least 90% of these women with emotional issues were also having a hard time with food and their bodies. because of this, it breaks my heart to see that in our society, some sub-groups lack very fundamental understanding and compassion for the ways in which food is a deeply psychological, emotional thing to handle, and not just a matter of knowing how many calories are in what food. i wish people had more compassion for the ways in which eating disorders are an emotional issue, above all. - education about nutrition is important, but emotional regulation is, too, and i find it concerning when i see the 'fitness bubble' neglecting the very real emotional side of eating problems quite often, then demonising the people experiencing these problems - not always, but often enough for it to be harmful, i feel. maybe i am biased in that regard - but i know many people have that same bias as they are experiencing similar problems, and so i feel that more compassion definitely couldn't hurt. self-compassion, and compassion for the experience of other people and how struggles can be very real to some, even if they are non-existent to others. more questions i have been asking myself: in an ideal world, would i be counting calories and macros? - the conclusion i have come to is that, when perceived neutrally, calories and macros can be important information to help me decide what's good for me. nevertheless, i have to find a middle ground between intuition, flexibility, and making educated decisions. which is something i am still working on. practically speaking, i think sometimes knowing the numbers creates more harm than good for me personally, at the current stage i am at. in an ideal world, would i weigh myself? how often? - yes, i can, but not compulsively - again, i can treat this as neutral information. in an ideal world, would i eat processed foods? would i have any active dietary restrictions (e.g. low carb,...) in place? - to that, the most honest thing i can say is that i do not know the answer. i am aware that with my eating disorder history, an additional layer of complexity must be considered here. i don't know if excluding certain food groups entirely will ultimately help me overcome certain ed-struggles or worsen them. that's the most honest i can be for now, even though there are billions of people out there who seem to have set opinions on that. i'll have to figure it out myself and experiment a little. it's okay that i don't have it all figured out yet. i can be kind to myself anyway. in general, i think it's important for me to strengthen my appreciation of food - how it is grown, harvested, prepared; what it looks like, how it smells and tastes and feels. in the long-term, i'll have to make peace with food for life to be good, as food is such an essential part of being a living and breathing human being, and that can only happen when i allow myself to see its goodness. i also have to be able to focus on other things, though - but find balance in this regard, most of all. and just don't use it for emotional regulation, essentially... which i acknowledge is hard right now - whether i eat or don't eat, i can tell there's too much charge to the whole topic, be that subtly or not so subtly. there are also way too many thoughts about different body sizes, which only adds to the problem.... don't know how to handle that, tbh.

and what are matter and spirit? where do you know that from?

@Rigel i watched some videos about that online, most of them by this woman: but tbh i think this supersedes my skill set and i feel like i'd need a coach to observe me and help me implement the above (and all the rest that's explained in the other videos).

i am not sure if that is healthy for my mind.

my brother told me about that. but i think it'll drive me mad if i have to count 1,2,3, 1,2,3 for thirty minutes or longer.

what's gate? i mean the 13k will be an obstacle run, so that should be fun and on that day i expect that my system will loosen up more reserves because of the excitement, adrenaline, etc.

aaah...not what i wanted to hear, but okay:) so it's like meditating, but worse.

not feeling well. stressed. bad body image. ed struggles. worries about the future. watched too many YouTube videos about food and bodies and diets. can't really pursue the cookbook idea because food is still something i'm ashamed of, i'm not happy with my body yet and i don't know what way of eating is the right one. i don't know if my problems with food and body image would be resolved if i simply committed to some sort of no carb diet for the rest of my life....something like that. i don't know what the right way of eating is. i feel sad, and alone. i need a therapist but don't have one. don't know about my future job, either. feeling uncomfortable and worried. i have also been thinking about the autism accusation. i am the opposite of cold, though. usually, i feel too much. i am quite empathetic, i pride myself in being emotional, and i can also be quite social when i get the chance - so i don't know if i'm autistic. the sensory issues are real, though. with the right person, physical touch is one of my top two love languages, but sometimes i don't like being touched by family members. and there's comorbidity with other diagnoses i have. would like to get it tested (along with adhd) but i don't think i'll get an appointment any time soon. to mention a positive note that i've been wanting to share....for the past two weeks i have been reading Fourth Wing and it's quite good. i didn't know i'm such a bad reader but i have to read many of the passages three time in a row to fully process what's going on. anyway, i like the suspense, i like the combination of utterly stereotypical, predictable, yet very satisfying elements with more unpredictable story telling. the romance definitely made me squeak in excitement a few times. ....feeling slightly calmer now. i'm not alowed to keep making plans while worried - when i experience worry, the first priority has to be cooling down. i think. who knows. no one told me how that works, it's just my best guess right now, the most loving rule of thumb i can think of, for now. i think i'm too broken to make recovery content, be that in the shape of a book or a blog. how am i supposed to tell people the answers that i don't have. all i can say is, i don't know. all these people keep talking and i don't know what the best way is....if i knew, i could even be fierce and confident about it...but i don't know anything. which would be fine, but i have a life to live and decisions to make. ...but it's okay, i am safe, and no matter what, there are certain constants in life. every night, i go to bed, i sleep, i dream.... there are times to worry, and times where i may stop, and have faith. it's tough to have faith when everything's a mess, but there's also not much of an alternative, and if eveything has to be a mess, i'd rather go through that with faith than without.

do you think i look overweight?

if i start making recipe videos and apply for small business ownership, can i make my groceries and tech equipment a tax write-off lol?

@Natasha Tori Maru hi:) can you catch me up briefly about what happened...did everybody agree to hide all the messages? i was away for a bit so i missed that part.

the real question is, are you a person? ponder that for a while:)

yeah i'm working on that as a first step:) already reached out to a friend and my above-mentioned dad's colleague to ask alll the questions.

yes i get that. maybe i can save the videos for later though, and begin by working on a book/e-book/recipe blog and sharing pictures on instagram. start with the easy part as that'll be messy enough to figure out in the beginning anyway. can't do it all at once.

if i had to answer spontaneously, i'd say my "niche" would be to unite insights on gentle/positive nutrition and mental health in a holistic way. it's kind of weird but viewers seem to like it when people narrate something that seems a little off topic during these videos, so it could work. i'm still worried about the emotional strain it may put om me though, bit maybe i can just try one step at a time. i may also invest in a 6 month programme to become a certified nutritionist in the next few months....so maybe that can be combined nicely. but i still need to find out if that certification is legit and worth the money. or i'll just do it and stop overthinking. it still doesn't sit right with me to do all that marketing though. i think that could be triggering as hell.

do i need to get a camera and a microphone? that's kind of intimidating to me. do i have to make some subscriptions to programmes or applications i can use for cutting videos, formatting blog/cookbook pages etc.?

yes i'm aware of that. but once i get the traffic there, is it just people visiting the website that brings in money or do i also have to sell something? my dad's colleague sells cookbooks on amazon and i can ask him for advice.

i just want to be safe. that's all.

it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around. but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder. cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z. it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game. is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good. .... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there". ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.). i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time. i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

i can't fall asleep so i'll just write a bit to wind down. so earlier i was debating whether to start another post in the mental health section...then i realised it would just be the tenth or twentieth time of me asking "i'm stressed and i can't relax - how do i relax?" i feel so messed up and really quite uncomfortable in my own skin. random insight, but approximately since last summer, every now and then i've been thinking that i can change my attitude toward money and be a bit more liberal with my finances. what good is a full bank account if, talking in extremes, i'll end up so miserable i wanna die. not that that has anything to do with the money..but i'm thinking that i may as well gamble a bit and invest in stuff (education, therapy). might be a waste, or it might make my life a tiny bit better and make me happier. who cares. i don't have the energy to care anymore. and i'm miserable anyway. ...i'm shocked every time i hit a low like that, that that's just life. or maybe that's life at 23. but i keep waiting for it to get better. i don't see why it's always such an endless struggle, why everything hits me so hard. ...kind of anticipating that autism or adhd diagnosis. not that that mattered. would just be nice to validate that i'm weird. it doesn't really matter what it's called, but i can just tell there's so much tension, so it's the ... and, most likely, generalised anxiety again - i've had it for years and it keeps finding new things to worry about, new topics that haunt me day and night as if my life depended on it. i feel so exhausted and the worst part is i can't even relax when i try....that makes me sad to admit. haaaaa. sigh. a few days ago i was still trying to counter this all with some positive lessons, but by now i've been conquered. i know that back then a technique i wanted to share, that i actually felt hopeful about, was to ground myself in things that are permanent, steady, and independent of the current object of my anxiety. something like the weekly podcast i listen to - it'll be there again next week, and it'll make me smile a little bit, no matter how stressed i am right now about the mess that's my life. i hate being such a mess. that's not me....i hope i'll get over that soon, but for now i feel forced to be such a mess and to hustle, after all, to try to get somewhere good and get things sorted. ....too much pressure. crying as i'm writing this. i think i'm just sad at the situation, the neverending struggle. is that all life is? it should be more. but i don't think it is. i think most people just jump from one disappointment, one discomfort to the next, maybe delude themselves into being happy, or oblivious, inbetween....but the disappointment and suffering, that's ultimate. ....okay i onlysay that because that's the state i'm in now. what a shame to admit that. truth is, i don't know what life is, and i'll never have the definitive view, and all of Life changes as my emotions come and go. is it sad, tragic, dull, happy, meaningful? God knows. i know. i do, it's always what it is to me, now. duh.

@UnbornTao would i make money with that kind of blog? can i make YT videos without showing my face in them? or maybe in that case it's easier to start with instagram + a blog, if i want to avoid showing my face?

i experienced more stress and, as a result, ed-symptoms today. i'm sick of this and need to get my life sorted enough to settle in some place soon and find some support to deal with these issuss. i don't like how they've been getting out of hand and i can tell the stress and everything is a bit too much for me to handle on my own, even though i'm trying very hard.