Judy2

@Schizophoniasounds about right:)

@Basmanyes, probably. i study E lit and have spent the past few months writing about Victorian gender stereotypes....might have messed with my head a little. @Schizophoniamaybe that explains things

@Schizophonia okay i'll try. so, the current state of things is that i tend to feel lost and overwhelmed, not knowing what to do with myself. (suicidal in some instances a few months ago, feeling very superfluous and like i'm having to deal with the burden of being alive). when i voice this difficulty to friends, they tell me to stop being complacent and become more active and clear on what i want in life. and i'm having a hard time differentiating if this is just meant on the "adulting"-dimension, or if people expect me to develop certain personality traits (eager to be an entrepreneur or whatever) that i simply don't have, and i wonder to what degree my personality "must change" to get me to a healthier place in life. or, short answer, what is disturbing is, of course, my whole psyche lol. i guess i feel broken and like i do everything wrong no matter what i do. and i don't know what adulting or healing looks like. to what degree am i allowed to grow around certain personality traits (for example perfectionism and also what i said above about needing external structure and guidance) vs having to eradicate them completely? no idea. i do have some kind of personality disorder on paper and haven't been able to find a long-term therapist yet. maybe they would explain to me how this is supposed to work. more specific example: when i try to get up and be constructive, it doesn't feel right to be taking care of myself without any support. something like that. (i also have a really hard time accepting support and letting people get close...that's the other side of things.) sorry if this is a mess. i don't know how to explain it any better.

@soos_mite_ahthank you, that's very helpful:) i guess it also matters how you do something vs. what you do. some teachers are really committed and loving in the way they care about their students, while others probably would have been better off choosing a different career.

i think it sounds cool:) personally, i'm all for dream analysis. and it makes sense that you don't plan on providing people with overly generic interpretations, which would have been my number one objection to this. the secod objection would have been that it might be better to do this on paper, but i'm sure there's some work-arounds for that (like taking handwritten notes first and writing this info in the app later in the day).

hey:) so these past few weeks i have been trying to make a lot of changes in life, but i find that there's a high level of stress in the background that i don't quite know how to deal with. i'm constantly trying to "get thigs done": go for walks, journal, think about how to get better in life, think about my thesis, go to the gym, listen to self help podcasts, make or go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. i don't quite know how to relax, because anything i could do to relax, e.g. going for walks, is just more stuff that i need to get done. but doing nothing and just sitting around is really boring and doesn't seem to help me relax, either. ...would appreciate it if you guys have any insights on this or any suggestions as to what might help:)

btw, it's not like there's one "feminism" and every feminist somehow agrees on all the exact same points. there were different waves. i'm sure there can be some pretty deluded, ideological, close-minded, and aggressive feminists out there. there can also be feminists who consider the big picture and care about the holistic growth of society that enables men and women to live together in harmony. maybe it's just a very loaded term and at this point, no one knows anymore what is even meant by "a feminist"... so the whole debate just leads to a lot of misunderstanding in many cases. (maybe?)

@Schizophonia i had it as a minor at uni:) et jusqu'au bac au lycée.

@Vali2003 hi:) i'm back now. thank you for the advice. typically, i have at least one hour before bed, usually a lot more. however, i basically use screens to soothe me to sleep. i know that's not healthy but i find it really hard to break this habit. when i decide that i'll just lie in bed until i fall asleep, sometimes it's so stressful to be stuck with my own thoughts that i pick up my phone again. maybe it's not that deep though and simply a bad habit i need to break by learning to tolerate the discomfort. @Schizophonia lol i only see this now. you would, of course, be my favourite French psychoanalyst, if only you started speaking to me en français, s'il te plaît😅

today's been a little bit rough, still. in the early morning hours i woke up briefly, startling as i remembered..."oh my God i handed in my thesis and it all went wrong!" i haven't really felt fit physically and experienced some weird pains, dizziness, and the onset of a migraine. i'd had one two weeks ago where i got an "aura" and started hallucinating on the right half of my visual field, so apparently whatever the trigger was back then, it's still affecting me a little bit. my mind also keeps reverting to all the mistakes my professor could find, and i keep thinking that i might receive some BAD feedback. but i also finally decided to LET GO now and, as silly as it sounds, TRUST THE UNIVERSE. so for the first time ever, i'm sitting down and just highlighting all of the parts that i LOVE about my work:) (not the ones that still need to be improved).

@Hojoyes that's why i said i don't have any feminist or political agenda here. it's more about my own life experience and the fact that, contrary to popular belief;), women still have a subjectivity of their own to nurture. which is something i have been struggling with and i am seeking guidance to help figure this out:) most of the time i don't know what to do with myself and unfortunately, i'm still stuck with what i oftentimes perceive to be the burden of my own existence. i don't have a lot of people in my life who can tell me what to do or what's good for me, and i find it very frustrating at times that i'm expected to know all of this. like how?

@Salvijus a few months ago, i had a conversation with an online therapist about my heart's desire to be beautiful. she basically said i should just drop it, because it's an overlay for wanting affection etc. i find that a bit confusing because people can technically say that about anything, and eventually, you'll never know if a desire is real vs just for eliciting affection. so maybe its more about distinguishing if a desire is motivated by fear and avoidance or love. at least that's the conclusion i've come to.

@Leo Gura ok:)

@aurumthank you, that makes sense:) what would you advise me to do until i find that? is there anything i can change in my attitude toward life to make it feel more organic and harmonious?

no idea if this has been said before, but when i recently re-watched Leo's video on Stage Red, i had to think of The Walking Dead. the type of regression depicted in it sort of resembles a collective brain injury. there's sudden environmental change, which triggers a regression because survival priorities radically shift.

@UnbornTao makes me think of the book you recommended:) it's at my parents' house, but when i visit again, i'll resume reading it. it's definitely worth considering that i'm actively creating my emotions and the conceptual overlay that creates suffering.

i never said that:) i don't know. i wonder if it always has to be this way. would be cool to find out it doesn't.

@Schizophoniahey:) i'm okay. life is still an ongoing struggle, but i'm trying my best. how about you?

Hopelessness/Self-doubt/... ... is an experience, not necessarily the truth.

...which is probably a bit ironic because the course is supposed to teach autonomy of mind and that kind of stuff. i do wonder, though, if it's acceptable that i'm the kind of person who works best when provided with some structure and clear instructions. apparently, i do need the occasional hoop to jump through....and i wonder if there's a positive version of doing this that still fosters a more conscious way of living. not everyone is born to be an entrepreneur and there must be other ways to find fulfilment...i hope.

Getting started with the Life Purpose Course now:) i'm excited. compared to the thesis work, it's really relaxing because i'm provided with some external structure. it's so much more fun being told what to do and taking notes on a lecture than needing to sketch up a whole thesis by myself...

.... handed in my thesis today. yay! i've been dreaming for months about coming back and making this post. thought it was gonna be the best day of my life, but i also had a feeling that something crisis-inducing would happen, just to disrupt that expectation. and indeed, i was right. got up at 6 am, went straight to fixing my final chapter, rushed to the copy shop, was told to read through the first copy, RAN back home, made the changes, converted the new pdf....and then the guy at the shop had some weird idea about only re-printing individual pages. it was a huge mess. i basically just started crying and also couldn't focus anymore at that point. he also told me he had set back his clock at the shop by 15 minutes to make people calmer and "gift" them more time. it did NOT make me calmer. ...so after handing in my two copies and sending the email with the pdf...i didn't cheer, i just burst out sobbing lol. and i felt really bad because this day was supposed to be so special...i'd had really high hopes. and then it was just sad and scary and stressful. oh, well. took me some time to cool down. i hope i'm good now. have some notes on my phone, so maybe there'll be an update about the past three months soon. it's good to be back though. i appreciate this community and the space for emotional expression. i've missed it:)

@Leo Gura i'd like to buy the life purpose course but for some reason it won't accept my password when i try to log in. the password does work on the forum. will there be any downsides to purchasing the LPC by setting up a new account? (is that even allowed?)

alrighty:) i'm ready for the course

aaah ok. so i'll create a new one. thanks!