Judy2

@No1Here2c do you recommend a specific technique? last time i tried to meditate, i just set a timer on my phone and waited.

...how to handle the burden of making life choices all the time without being too self-centred? these past few weeks, i have noticed just how selfish and self-centred i am, and i don't like it. i don't mean that i make inherently selfish decisions per se, but the mere act of needing to overthink life plans feels a) exhausting and b) like it inevitably requires great deals of selfishness or at the very least, self-centredness. how can i handle this burden that is my inevitable, inescapable existence as a person, right here, who wakes up again and again, every morning, and feels so limited, feels constant discomfort, constant pressure because nothing is ever enough to make me feel special or whole? i notice this pattern and how i project my incompleteness onto everything and everyone, and yet, i can't stop. i hate being so self-centred but i don't see any alternative, given that there is always stuff i need to "figure out" to try to finally make things okay in my life.

i feel sad and lonely. i don't understand all the stress i feel, or how to make it stop. i want someone to hold me and love me and listen to me. with all the stress, i haven't even been paying attention to how i've been avoiding authentic human interaction. it wasn't even a priority. the only priority was dealing with the stress and figuring out what to do so i can be okay. i don't know what to do. i don't know why i feel sad, of all things.

@gettoefl yes, usually my body works like this, too. it doesn't distinguish between weekdays and weekends - once there's a rhythm, my system just sticks with it every day.

but i could still be useful to know which neuroreceptors are involved, relatively speaking:)

that's one of my favourites:)

yes...i mean, that's easier said than done. have you done it? permanently, i mean, not just by taking some lsd. i switched from watching videos to listening to audiobooks because i feel like that's a little less 'invasive' when it comes to having something to soothe me to sleep.

it's so annoying to constantly try and figure out what to do next to make this moment okay... do i need better skin care? a thai massage? laser hair removal? a ninja creami? do i need to exercise more and that's really it? read more fiction? get audible to listen to audiobooks that help me relax? do i need to look different, have different clothes, get better at doing my make-up? do i need to travel more? do i need to draw up a schedule to check off every time i meditate? do i need to learn five languages to be able to feel worthy? do i need to be more disciplined writing down my dreams every morning, feeling and appreciating the depth of them? do i need to get pedicures more often to feel like i am taking care of myself? do i need trauma therapy and that'll resolve everything? do i need to feel my emotions more and just 'be more conscious'? do i need a nicer apartment with prettier furniture? do i need the piano that's currlently not at my place but at my grandma's, so that i can finally relax? ....it's so pointless, but i can't stop and don't know what the alternative is.

i love that:) thank you for reminding me!

@Ziran thank you:) i guess what's missing is a sense of belonging or being at home. which is a bit paradoxical to achieve when things are constantly moving and developing, and yet, i'd probably complain about being bored if they were too static and there was nothing left to work toward. it's just hard to balance those two.

in the mental health section someone alluded to it when i replied to their post about how therapy should be done exclusively by AI. and somewhere else someone got upset about my character, too.

thank you for explaining. i think i'll have to re-read this a couple of times before i understand. i definitely recognise this tension of wanting things to change or stay the same all day.

yes, i know....i've heard and thought this about a million times, but i still can't stop cause i don't even know what the alternative would look like.

maybe i just need to do more of the things that make me forget myself? but idk if that approach is fool-proof.

noted:)

i thought about this recently. maybe the constant rebirthing is also something you are doing again and again in this life, and to stop doing it would mean to stop (over)identifying with/ getting overly attached to things/identities even just within the scope of this lifetime.

context?

yes i can relate:)

...still struggling. i wish i wasn't, but there's still so much worry and fear in my system....and then i'm quite sad about that, too. just so much going on rn. so many thoughts i can't quite sort through them even though most of them are running on repeat. i can't get over the fact that i am so behind in life. wish i wasn't. i feel so stupid. i know i basically lost two whole years due to traumatic events a couple of years ago and how i coped by just doing nothing at all, sitting around all day waiting for something to happen....now i am so freaking hyperactivated and i try to do it all and i don't have enough time and i STILL don't know what should become of me. of course it's ironic that mental illness is why i am so behind, and now my "mental illness" gets very upset about this and hung up on it. i just worry so much because i want to be happy and i literally don't know how. sorry for being so self-centred...

much better day today:) i had a great time at the gym, i am feeling hopeful because exercise is helping me a lot (so it's a valuable resource i have in my life) and i am wearing one of my favourite outfits now (dark blue skirt and a white top with little light blue flowers).

stupid allostatic load:) it's starting to make sense, though, why it could be useful to learn about this stuff. i had a bad day today, and yesterday evening didn't go my way, either. but i think i sort of understand where i'm at now, and that it's a problem (maybe the problem) that i put so much pressure on myself to have everything figured out RIGHT NOW. i tend to feel that the problem is my not having things figured out, but maybe the problem is the forcefulness with which i try to resolve everything in an instant, as though that would guarantee my happiness - which i know it wouldn't, and i'd probably feel more depressed than ever if i suddenly had things mapped out and then inevitably had to ask myself "really, that's it?". it's not great to procrastinate on making big decisions and plans, but wanting to do the exact opposite and needing to resolve everything right in this moment, putting this burden on my present self to have all the answers and more for future-me doesn't seem to work for me, either - it's more harm than good, really. so actually, i may be a bit bold now and do a little bit less, chill, relax, tell myself that it's ENOUGH to focus on healthy routines and hobbies for now. i don't have to have my entire life mapped out. i can still do that half a year from now, if it's obviously too much of a burden to place on myself presently. and it counts as success, too, if i'm a bit behind in terms of jobs if it means i can take good care of my mental health and have fun focussing on my exercise and other hobbies in the meantime. which is what i'd promised myself to do a year ago, anyway - but somewhere along the way i seem to have forgotten about it. in general, i keep forgetting about this perspective all too often.

i am experiencing a lot of confusion and fear. what the hell am i even doing? how do i know that what i am doing is "right"? feels impossible to know. i'm so scared. it's been helpful to focus on my exercise routine, go cycling in the evenings, and practice running. the rest is just super overwhelming. it feels hard and scary to deal with all of this confusion and uncertainty on my own.

now there's the emotion. our cognitive neuroscience professor made us watch this. i was expecting more technical, abstract information on resilience - instead, Lucy Hone casually drops how she lost her 12-year-old daughter (without a single tear) and then goes on to tell how she survived that experience. great video. emotional all throughout:) very sad, but very .... comforting?, too.