Judy2

...noticed that i've been trying for two weeks to figure out the perfect meal plan, thinking that once i figure it out, i'll be released from this whole struggle and never have to think about food again...when in reality this whole endeavour led me to think and obsess a lot more about food than i would have needed to. so i'm letting go of this expectation now. i can stop thinking about this. i trust myself to make reasonable decisions that are in line with my goals (health, satiety, self-care, fitness). i trust that things can evolve naturally over time, and that i can tune in with myself, my body, my emotions...and learn to make reasonable decisions around food. ...by the way, i tried the avocado at lunch today. it was really good, so i'll probably stick with that for a few days and see where it goes. other than that, i figured that hemp seeds might be a nice source of healthy fats to try because i don't really see myself bingeing on those, so i'd be totally fine having just a tablespoon or so a day and using them up slowly. dinner today was a bit bad because i got bloated again, but that went down and by now i'm already feeling better. it's okay that i am still struggling there and i'll do my best to figure out how to resolve this and make small improvements in the days and weeks to come♡

(:

okay:) i don't think it will stay this way forever. things can change, your perspective can still shift, and maybe some of that aliveness, richness, joy is yet to be discovered:)

"but it would be so much humbler and more virtuous (and safer) to keep hating myself." but it doesn't lead anywhere. working against myself doesn't lead anywhere. i'm already here, with all of my emotions and all the rest. i can't undo that. so instead of working against all that, really, what choice do i have but to work with that? to integrate, rather than to disintegrate...and so on.

...these past few weeks, every now and then i have found myself wondering if you guys think i am being too self-centred, especially in my two new journals. i notice that a lot of my gratitudes are about "myself" - and that's not supposed to seem narcissistic or anything, like i'm using this to now show off an inflated sense of self. [i guess i'm really scared i'll seem narcissistic and arrogant if i stop hating myself and being mean to myself?] i was self-centred before, too, when i was actively engaged in staying miserable (had to be cause i was scared for my Life), and i'm self-centred now, trying really hard to improve my self-image and change the internal programming i have about myself and the world. i hope this doesn't come across as too narcissistic and i'm sure there'll be times when i'll be ready to be more outwardly focussed. the positivity i am trying to practice in regards to my self-image is not supposed to be an unhealthy narcissism...it's supposed to practise and improve my ability to notice things about myself and my life that i dislike, and to allow them to co-exist with other things that i find beautiful, positive, inspiring. to allow this colourful mix to exist...and that takes a lot of work right now, because i'm usually very attached to a sort of idealism - my (ego) mind's version of Existential Purity and Perfection. perhaps once i got used to this practice, i'll be able to be more outgoing as well...or maybe i already am (at least in daily interactions), it's just that my journal entries are still really self-centred, because that's the locus of the hard inner work i am doing atm. but really, this practice doesn't just apply to myself, it also applies to how i see others...that i can appreciate their beauty, without feeling too threatened by it because i feel inferior...and to be more accepting of other people's apparent weaknesses, because i know real life is messy and complicated and challenging, so i empathise with them and their flaws.

[i am scared; i have doubts] i would like to See that it is possible for me to be and stay Lean in a way that feels Healthy, Balanced, Sustainable, Stable, Joyful, Pleasurable... i want that to be possible for me. i want to feel beautiful and be fit, from a place of self-love [rather than suppression, self-hatred, needing to restrict or force myself to do things] i want this to come natural to me, to feel joyful, and effortless. not to say i am not willing to do things for this (exercise, gym, general activity, healthy nutrition), but i don't want it to feel as though i am working against my body or being mean to myself. i want it to feel as though i am working for and with my body. i want to be beautiful and lean and fit in a way that is healthy for my body, soul, and mind that feels sustainable and that leaves me feeling good in the long term. !

@Sugarcoat...a few more thoughts, cause i'm feeling inspired: it's not just that you have a life or that you are alive....you ARE LIFE! so it is really natural for you to want to be alive - because you are Life - unless there's a part of you that feels separate from it, which tends to make the matter a whole lot more complicated, as you can see when you look at the average human being and the way in which they suffer. you're still Life, in that case, but a bit like an illusory knot in the fabric of life that tries to be its own thing, and wonders why it feels so separate and disintegrated. you say that you feel disconnected or that you lost your sense of self, but i am assuming that this is not the same as the sort of spiritual dissolution of the separate self. in this case, i would suppose that it's more as though the self has gone into hiding and that something is being suppressed to a more intense degree than before. perhaps this is worth inquiring into a little further. ...just my impression from what you are saying and without any judgement whatsoever, it's just what i understand the situation to be from what you have shared. perhaps inquiring a little into this can help you. it's possible to let this sort of thing go full circle, rather than judging yourself for feeling even more separate or disconnected than what is considered normal. so you could in fact see this as an opportunity to find out what true connection means. all the best<3 and sorry if i couldn't articulate this any better...i hope i'm making some sense here.

from the Mind's perspective, Life is an interplay of duality and non-duality. that's what makes Life interesting - moving liminally between these lines and experiencing shifts in perspective.

i went for a walk yesterday because i knew that it would be an act of self-care i like my hair and the length it is at right now i slept well i am trying to have a good day and make positive things happen randomly polished my nails for the first time in a while and now i'm happy every time i look at my hands:) the nails are nice and shiny, with a subtle hint of glitter:) suppose this will make working on my thesis more enjoyable in the weeks to come. sounds a bit stupid, but typing with polished nails is more fun; it gives the brain something aesthetic to focus on while working. went to the gym...i like that my legs and arms are leaner (not in the sense of emaciated, non-substantial or non-existent, but toned, defined, well-proportioned) than they ever have been. like a healthy type of thin that i thought i could never be....so it's cool to see that i can be that.

Hm okay... i wish you good luck and hope you'll take good care of yourself regardless of what your thoughts are telling you:) sometimes thoughts are just thoughts and don't have to be taken all too seriously.

so i think it's a matter of setting manageable goals and moving towards what you want. in small ways. even those small achievements will make you feel better, and you can start from there. the important part is to start somewhere.

@Never_give_up Never give up. who told you you can't get what you want? for example the thing you said about university....i think it takes some flexibility to fulfill the underlying desire there. it can be fulfilled in a billion different ways....self-study, reading more books, God knows what else. i'd like to encourage you to be a bit creative and flexible, see ways in which the fulfilment of your desire for education/knowledge is accessible to you RIGHT NOW. and then do some of that:) about food: you can pick one small change and commit to doing that TODAY. just one small change. for example: going for a walk and increasing your step count by 2,000, adding in a vegetable or a high-quality protein source, or getting educated about healthy nutrition and recovery from emotional eating (wouldn't that be neat to combine this desire with your desire for education???). it won't take 4 years. just commit to one small, manageable goal this week, and then to another next week, and so on. ...just a gentle suggestion:) desires don't exist to destroy your life and you are not meant to ignore them.

....okay, i'm feeling low. i'll just accept that now. don't have to fight it, it will pass. just be nice to myself throughout. it's okay to feel low.

well, i feel flattered:)

...not feeling great today. feeling rather pessimistic because everything is so delicate to handle. seems impossible because there are so many potential triggers and pitfalls everywhere. it's like a mine field...i'm scared that i won't manage to achieve equilibrium because life is so stormy and chaotic, not simple at all because with everything, there are a billion, no, there are infinite factors to consider. so of course that scares me...how am i supposed to handle myself and my life well, if i'm putting it up with infinity? but then, some people do seem to manage, and apparently harmony with yourself and the universe is achievable, despite the fact that we're putting it up with infinity.... so maybe the antagonism is the problem, more so than the billions and billions of variables involved within this...idk, just thinking this through as i am writing. i am hoping to achieve some sort of balance, groundedness, equilibrium in life. i'm scared that i can't, that i'm too broken, too monstrous, too messed up....but i'll keep trying, i suppose. it must be possible, somehow. to live a spiritual life. and really, what choice do i have, but to keep trying? certainly not to despair, i know that that has never led anywhere good. ....thinking this through is making me think of this quote again: "lightly, child, lightly. learn to do everything lightly. yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.... there are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear, and self-pity, and despair. that's why you must walk so lightly. lightly, my darling, on tip toes, and no luggage, not even a sponge bag...completely unencumbered."

i know enough about nutrition to construct balanced meals in theory, but i genuinely don't know if that is 'right'. if i should be doing low fat, low carb, God knows what. i genuinely don't know....and back we are with: how the hell am i supposed to know what's good for me? i want to look lean and beautiful, i want to be fit and feel healthy, i want to feel comfortable in my body, i want to feel beautiful, i want my relationship with food to be good and effortless. i don't want to feel as though i am having to restrict, suppress hunger cues, or be mean to myself. i want my relationship with food and with my body to feel positive and effortless. ...how the hell am i supposed to make that happen? if i knew that carbs were bad for me, i wouldn't struggle replacing them with other things. same goes for fats. point is, i don't know. and there is so much conflicting information out there.

i suppose i could try and gradually introduce new foods that i am scared of. it doesn't have to happen all in one day. so over time, i could reduce the amount of artificial sweeteners that i consume and introduce new sources of carbohydrates and healthy fats. just like i planned on doing with the avocado. i'm not happy with the bloating situation, so to keep on going as i have doesn't seem like an exciting prospect. but i'm also really scared that things like nuts will make me gain lots of weight because they're too easy to overeat on. in fact, i'm primarily concerned that if i buy, let's say a jar of nut butter or even whole cashews, or some dates, i'll want to eat them all in one go, freak out, do exactly that to get rid of them, (end up bloated, too), read that backwards as i can't handle these foods well anyway, commit to never buying them again, thereby strengthening that whole cycle. i don't know if i can buy these foods and then portion them out for each day and feel satisfied doing that. i'm very scared and sceptical of that. actually, i think it would sort of make me really aggressive to be around a jar of nut butter and know that it'll stay on my shelf for two weeks and i'll have a table spoon or two every day. that seems really triggering - cause it's forbidden enough for me to not be allowed to have more, but then i'd want to avoid it altogether, and having 20g a day seems completely irritating and irrational in that case...

it can actually be the stress triggering this sort of experience. it's basically a 'slipping away' so that you don't have to deal with the emotions and the threat of the situation. not saying this is what happened for you - i don't know enough details about your situation. but it's something to keep in mind. so one way of improving your situation might be to work on your stress tolerance. if you are comfortable answering this, have you got any diagnosed psychiatric disorders? not asking this to be judgemental in any way - just to understand better what we are dealing with here:)

i slept well and had some dreams i really like the flowy red dress i am wearing today i am tidying up and cleaning my apartment. doing my laundry, getting fresh sheets. i know this is going to make me feel a lot better i am grateful that i am trying to be nice to myself despite feeling low i am grateful for Lana del Ray's and Tove Lo's music

@soos_mite_ah Hey:) thank you for reaching out again and for empathising with my situation. i'm trying to have faith, too. it's just scary sometimes, but i'll figure it out somehow.

had a pretty decent day, until something went wrong at dinner (protein, fibre) and now i look like i'm about to pop out a baby next week. this is distressing and i'm feeling a bit hopeless and helpless again. will i ever resolve this? everyone talks about how great volume eating is, until you become dependent on it and basically can't go a day without being severely bloated. i'm afraid and i don't know how i can fix this. i would like to fix it since it's severely impacting my quality of life. my nutritionist is on holiday and i won't get to talk to her again until mid-september. it didn't seem like she understood how real the struggle is anyway. she just told me all the stuff i know already, which i'm too afraid or too distrustful to do. i don't believe that fats or carbs will fill me up in a way that could avoid the bloating. ... she doesn't even grasp that someone can be struggling with food despite having quite a lot of knowledge about nutrition...and i had hoped she could have grasped this and given advice that wasn't what i already know.. like more practical advice about how to actually make these changes safely without feeling like i am spiralling out of control. i'm gonna try some avocado in the days to come as that still seems tolerable in terms of calorie density, but i genuinely don't know how i could keep nuts or nut butter in the house and handle that well.

a bit like dissociation/depersonalisation? were you feeling stressed when that happened? if it's stress-related, grounding yourself in physical sensations can help. things like running or taking a hot and cold shower. whether there is a self or not, there is a 'human', and that human body can feel connected to other humans around it. so whether 'no self' is partially, fully, or not at all realised, you can feel connected to others. in addition, grounding yourself in your emotions and physical sensations can help with what you are experiencing, i believe. also, what kind of meaning do your thoughts attach to this partial loss of self? how do they interpret it?

i am sure there have been moments in the past when you felt connected. making a list of those can help shift your focus. keep in mind that even the smallest interactions count, for example when you smile at a stranger and they smile back at you.

what is preventing you from doing that? what do you think a 'normal person' exists as and feels like on a day to day basis? what exactly is it that you feel you lack, and what is it that you feel you want to get rid of?

[doing a tiny bit better today?] i went to the gym i ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes because it felt good i wore my pale purple sports bra and shorts my tummy was a tiny bit flatter and less bloated than usual i made some progress with my weights i am starting to feel a bit hopeful that i can figure this whole "good body image" and "healthy relationship with food" situation out for myself i am starting to have more structure to my meals i am starting to be more aware of hunger/fullness/satiety cues. they are starting to normalise, which is a relief and quite reassuring. i am starting to get more of an idea of which foods are good for me. for example, i was intentionally more aware and present while eating cherry tomatoes and noticed that they look quite beautiful, and they taste nice and refreshing. i am trying to approach food now with an attitude of gratitude and appreciation - makes no sense to feel ashamed or guilty for eating, considering that i have to do it anyway, so i might as well see the beauty in that, be aware while doing it, and in tune with what's good for me regarding nutrition and meal structure. i am trying really hard to be hopeful that life can be good for me now i smile at people and sometimes (often) they smile back at me