Judy2

most of the time, no. i suppose there are some exceptions. lunch usually feels good because i've been busy and genuinely feel hungry, so it feels right to eat. dinner tends to be more difficult because i eat past fullness and until severely bloated, and then it also becomes difficult to feel grateful looking back at what i had for lunch. i'm trying to eat mindfully and without distractions. sometimes i have to put on headphones + a video though because my neighbours are too loud and i find that quite distressing...used to be a major trigger for having to restrict my intake, but i know that's not feasible because rn i just can't ensure getting the kind of quiet, calm environment i would prefer for every meal.

@Natasha Tori Maruyou're not wrong. i have been very negative, ashamed and hateful towards myself for years.... although i'm 100% trying to cognitively reprogramme myself atm and radically let go of all the shame and negative self-talk. so i've been trying really hard to make progress in that area, and i don't understand how that is supposed to match with the ongoing symptomatology. my recent attempts to be nicer to myself sort of correlate with the overeating, which is odd because isn't "finally being nice to myself" supposed to heal this sort of thing or prevent this type of behaviour? overeating isn't me being nice to myself or my body or my very bloated belly...but maybe my brain doesn't know that. i wonder how i could make it understand on a visceral level.

@Schizophonia people with bpd can get very overweight and obese because of their emotional instability. i've seen it when i had treatment. half the ward was filled with obese women. so i'm at risk. and i am feeling stressed because of my thesis and my loud neighbours, so maybe that makes someone as unstable as myself susceptible to overeating and then everything will be even more difficult once i look ugly, and then i'll never get better. last year i lost a lot of weight without even forcing myself to restrict. because i was going through some heartbreak and feeling depressed, and all of a sudden my tummy was flat and it felt kind of cool that i could be that intuitively, without needing to eat 3kg of veg a day to create a sense of fullness. i just didn't even want to eat and i was thin while at a healthy weight. then i didn't know how to maintain it and got underweight for a few months.

hey, thank you for sharing. i've watched a lot of YouTube videos about the topic, so i've heard of ghrelin and leptin, although i don't quite understand how to restore proper balance. i know that post-binge restriction only makes binging worse, so i try not to fall for it. i've been eating very regularly for several weeks now and still got moments when i am overeating, despite never undereating at any point. a few weeks ago, that was still related to extreme hunger, so i actually felt hungry despite being full. by now it's probably that i do feel full and even satiated, but am eating for emotional reasons or because something is driving this psychologically? it feels silly considering i was pretty damn good at restriction when i was 18. i was so good it nearly killed me, and pretty ruthless with it. it seems stupid that nowadays i can't even bear the thought of "restricting" myself to reasonable portion sizes or "restricting" myself to not feel uncomfortably full or bloated. something's off with that. somehow eating normal amounts is scarier to my system than over- or undereating, and that's kind of silly. it should be the other way around. i had some ocd in the past but therapists have been hesitant about giving that diagnosis. i do have bpd, which impairs my ability to process emotions....not to say i can't, but it probably requires more conscious effort and learning to do this functionally.

@Schizophoniai don't think i have ever been overweight on paper, but pretty close to it, and i've certainly felt uncomfortable because of my weight to the point that i couldn't leave the house at certain times of day. probably still eating up to 3,500/day at the moment which is pretty scary considering my body is already bigger than what most women at the gym would consider their ideal/goal...and i signed up when i was pretty skinny, so that feels like a bit of a shameful progression. others get their dream body while working out, whereas mine seems to deteriorate uncontrollably. and i felt pretty when i was underweight and just threw that away because i was tired of restricting and not happy to keep doing that in the long term. when i'm underweight and restricting, i feel bad 90% of the time, but emotions shake my whole body a lot differently then, and those 10% leave me feeling very, very cute and smile-y, sweet, soft and polite, the way i interact with people. and then i feel as though it's sad that i can only be that way when i'm sick....i don't think i can be pretty when i'm healthy. maybe my brain doesn't want to believe it, doesn't dare believe it, and that/s why i'm eating past fullness on principle? i'd really like to believe that i can be pretty and have a relaxed, effortless relationship with food...because that would mean that i could maintain a weight i look good at and feel mentally and physically comfortable at in the long-term, without any need to suppress hunger cues or anything.

i've been trying really hard to do inner work and be aware and handle my emotions and all that kind of stuff. but i'm so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed. i want and need a break. i don't know how to get one, i've got a deadline coming and it's so stressful and there is so much pressure coming at me from all sides and it's all too much to handle and i'm all on my own and i don't have a support system which someone with my list of diagnoses should have.

it's so weird, being me, with all these different impulses that are constantly permeating my body. what a mess.

Coping with the Worries I Have about My Thesis Evidence I have that I will manage just fine: I have always received positive feedback for my term papers, even though I was always extremely stressed in the weeks leading up to the deadlines. My professor said that I seem to have thought deeply about my topic. My mum said that I seem to have thought deeply about my topic. I have all the skills I need to manage this. I have managed to write papers in the past, even though the process felt extremely messy at times. I have already written so much - it could be super chill and I could easily write those 5-7 pages per week without any pressure whatsoever. I know that I have it in me to do this. I am smart. Why I DON'T have to worry about the outcome: Regardless of the mark i will get, i will love me anyway. I promise. How will I show that to myself? I'll still go on to look for a nice apartment after I'm done here. I'll still be kind to myself, go to the gym, move my body, feed my body, try not to hurt my body. I'll still try to work on my social life and try to build a good life for myself after university. I'll still try to reward myself for finishing my thesis regardless of the mark I'll get in the end. Be that in the form of a holiday trip or in some other shape or form. Action I can take to counteract the worries: ask for support (looks like i can get a writing consultation today, after all!) try to write those 5 pages per chapter with zero pressure, be brave and cut things out...i can always change things later if i need to Positive reminders: i still have a lot of time to figure this out i love myself anyway, regardless of how well i'll manage i could fail at this and would love myself anyway (making me cry lol)

it wouldn't even be as an expression of self-hatred...more like a tool for emotional regulation that could help me feel better quickly. because i feel the discomfort on a very physical level right now. trying to resist it for now but maybe in a few days i'll let myself off the hook, just once.

thought of something triggering dad said yesterday, how i felt it put additional pressure on me even though it's already so incredibly hard to control myself with the thesis and everything. i got really sweaty...wanting to hurt myself really badly. it would provide some relief. ...not going to, but the thoughts are definitely there.

still feeling quite low and uncomfortable...

i slept well and had a lot of dreams dad was being supportive when i spoke with him on the phone yesterday i really like the new soap i got for my bathroom. every time i use it, i'm surprised at how good it smells. i'm trying to have a fresh start with the thesis today.

i feel extremely overwhelmed because of the thesis. scared that i won't manage. i have got no idea what i am doing and don't know how to make this go anywhere good. plus i'm stressed because i can't talk to anyone right now, so i'll probably waste two weeks until i can speak with a counsellor again. too much emotion! thinking about hurting myself (i won't but the thoughts are there). i don't feel safe!!!! feeling super uncomfortable. i hate this. i hate myself! it's all too much, i don't want this!!! also, my neighbour is extremely disrespectful and listening to odd music at an unreasonably high volume.

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

pushed myself to go outside because it is supposed to help with my mood saw two purple butterflies the sun is shining the sky is nice and blue, with some white clouds there are some green trees, they look nice in the sun walking feels good i am being nice to myself and taking care of myself. it's new that i am able to do this. this is progress, i'm not stuck. the soft breeze feels nice on my skin

[ low energy and motivation today. hopelessness, fear.] i talked to my dad and told him i could use his support to help me re-direct with my thesis i booked a coaching session for tomorrow and hope that it will offer some insights as to how i can improve the things i am currently struggling with ... still feeling really low, lost, it seems futile to even try to pick myself up again. idk, maybe i just need a break. not sure.

there's also so much stress and emotional pressure/tension because of the thesis right now. i am scared, i feel overwhelmed. i'm scared i won't manage. ouch.

i feel as though i am being abandoned/let down, and there are so many challenges right now that i had hoped i could get help with...i don't know how to manage all of these obstacles on my own right now...it's too much.

my counsellor sent me an email saying she's ill, and it'll be another two weeks until i get to speak with her again. so i'm left all on my own, having to deal with the stress, the thesis, food and body image. not great! i would have really appreciated receiving some support today!

... i hate my struggles with food and bloating. this is NOT okay. it's so stupid, such an unnecessary source of suffering and discomfort. Why??? why do i have to struggle so much with this, when for others it's all easy-going and they have never had to give much thought to it? i have been struggling with this for years and years, it seems hopeless, i'm scared that i will never overcome this, that i'll never be at peace with my body, that food will always be a problem in my life in one way or another. i feel scared and hopeless. i look back at all these years in which i DIDN'T succeed at resolving this. so what makes me think i have any chance of resolving this now? i desperately want it to be resolved, and yet i don't know how. i feel angry at the nutritionist for not providing better assistance, i feel disappointed...as a specialist for people with eds she should be able to help with this sort of thing and have something wise to say about it...she didn't, and now she'll keep me waiting until mid-September. a lot can happen until then. i'm scared, left alone, without support. i hate that. i hate all of this. i hate myself for being so stupid and struggling so much with the most banal, unnecessary things. food shouldn't be such a big deal, it shouldn't be such a big struggle. and neither should appearance/body image.

i am trying to be nice to myself despite feeling really low today. it seems as though i can't do anything about the low mood...so i'll just let it be and hold on, knowing that it won't last forever and i'll feel better in a few days. i really like my outfit today: a black jumpsuit (very flowy pants) with a black and white cardigan. looks good and makes for a nice silhouette. i keep working on my thesis even though i am scared had a nice chat with a friend of mine (the one who showed me the workouts) in the hallway [feeling bad, etc.] [hating myself, uncomfortable.] going for an evening walk because i know that it's good for me *cultivating hopefulness: i am hoping/praying that my meeting with the counsellor at university tomorrow can help me find solutions for my struggles with food, body image, the thesis...and everything else. she seems competent and like she'll be able to give at least some new advice that will help a little bit. music feels good walking feels good

@Eskilon thank you:)

i'm really scared! just in general.

i guess the point is that even though i'm eating, i'm still really insecure and scared around food. it still feels forbidden and dangerous on some level, so i'm trying to cope with that by figuring out all the 'right' choices.

probably buy a nice house in a nice location:) and then do something good for humanity with the rest. what spontaneously comes to mind is children in need, and maybe improving the education system to account for more general life skills, mental and emotional well-being...as this isn't taught or prioritised enough yet, and it could have a huge positive effect on many people's lives, and the kind of society they will go on to co-create in the future. ...this is just what i spontaneously came up with...but what you're saying makes sense! so for me it's like a mixed interest in education and psychology...haven't yet decided between the two. as of now, i'm not actively pursuing either...thanks for reminding me that i should:)