Judy2

do you have a therapist? even if enlightenment occurs, schizophrenia can still be difficult to navigate and it may be helpful to have some support. ...saying this as someone who has experienced very spiritual degrees of dissociation as a stress-response:) i think one doesn't necessarily exclude the other, but mental illness isn't as easily transcended as we tend to wish. even after awakening, it's still a good idea to continue receiving professional support if it's accessible to you:)

yes this resonates. i think it's a good point that being human is relatively complex and takes awareness to navigate well. the last paragraph also makes sense, but for me it's still difficult to grasp. how can i enable this shift in my attitude, and, more importantly, how can i make it last for longer intervals? whenever i experience this, it's brief and very fickle.

@UnbornTao okay, i understand what you're saying and imo it makes perfect sense that you're recommending to be more present and grounded in reality. i just feel a bit stupid and ashamed now, given that i'm so delusional and weird. past present and future maybe i'm a little too honest sometimes. just dumping all my ugliness here for the world to see....i am sorry.

i feel glad that i see this, at least for now. feels important. what a pity i keep forgetting this...but i suppose that's also a part of it.

in the past few days, i've been thinking every now and then that it would feel liberating to be more conscious in day-to-day life of the fact that all the things i identify with and acquire in life, all the things that weigh me down or that i'm anxious about, won't accompany me to my grave. there's nothing good nor bad that will stick with me forever. none of these things are my "essence". and i don't need to wait until i die to be aware of this. if i keep reminding myself of this, it'll probably make my life a lot easier. or maybe at least a little bit. because most of my life struggles, most of my suffering, stir from all this mental attachment and anxiety over the things i am, i am not, i have, i may not get, i am anxious to keep, anxious to exorcise and keep away from me, etc., etc., etc. academic degrees and what not. i want to be free, want to be light, most of all. i am free, i am light (:

that reminds me of Ralston's book again probably a stupid comparison, but sometimes i get lost craving some sort of war or apocalypse, which is pretty much the polar opposite of all the comfort i commonly cling to. my life would be easier, in a way, if there was more challenge in it. i'd have more structure and know what to do if there was this sense of constant physiological urgency. it would also strip me off all the things i get so hung up about that truly don't matter as much as i think they do. in a sense, i'd connect so much more with myself and think less about all the imaginary things i've acquired after my birth that i will never take with me in death, anyway. maybe that idea is liberating, and maybe i'd feel better about myself if my life was harder. less inadequate and self-conscious. lighter. i find it interesting to ask what exact elements of "the apocalypse" i'm missing in every day life. the sense of adventure, the "freedom" and lack of attachment, being required to rely more on social connection...? of course i'd be the first to say i hate it and in the past i always said i'd wanna die and not even try to survive in such a scenario just to save myself all the hustle... but it's still valuable to think about this, i find. maybe it tells me something about my present needs, and some of the changes i need to make to my life, more so than relying on external pressure (e.g. a real apocalypse) forcing me to adapt my attitude....maybe i can gain some of the benefits of living in the apocalypse without needing to let it come to that lol. (maybe that's a bit like making changes before cancer or whatever forces you to do that.) my brother is a lot different. running ultra-marathons and stuff. i'm trying to be more like him in that regard. at least a little bit. sorry for all the rambling:)

@NewKidOnTheBlock ok:)

@NewKidOnTheBlock for some reason, i find short term leaps easier than long term consistency with small steps. at least that's what i tell myself. i like going to the gym because the machines give me a bit of security. when i do the motion unassisted, i'm scared i might do something wrong. i have a weird relationship with my body so it feels as though the machines have lowered the bar to start exercising. besides, going to the gym consistently is a good socialising opportunity for me (just to see a few familiar faces every other day, because i don't have many other consistent appointments in my schedule).

@Schizophonia oopsie completely off topic, but i seriously don't get why you like Freud so much. (i hope that's Freud in the gif?) i'm generally quite open-minded when it comes to psychological theory, but he's a bit bonkers. i don't get the whole thing about incest and why prohibition is such a big deal. i mean i do get it in House of the Dragon lol...but i don't get it when it's presented as such a foundational principle that might be the core of all dysfunction in relationship dynamics.

@UnbornTao i think avoidance is my middle name at this point, so yes...

@Breakingthewall yes that's kind of why i started running and i'd like to participate in an obstacle run next year:) obvs not exactly the same thing, but it's about purposefully challenging myself and seeking adventure. i suppose in this day and age we have to choose our own adventures.

for example, at my gym, they always have music on. on some days, it's louder than on others, so that it's even louder than the music or podcasts i hear on my noise-cancelling headphones. on top of that, people walk around the machines i'm working on and get a little too close to me physically (like 15 cm or less, in some instances). it's especially stressful when these things happen in combination. idk if this is stupid lol. i could probably think of other examples, too, but this is the most recent thing that happened.

@Someone hereok:) makes sense.

watched a few videos from the life purpose course this morning and started feeling a bit bad when i realised ... "f*ck, now i'm investing so much in myself and it means i'll have to live life and think i'm worth it. but i don't feel that way. i'd rather not live at all, i don't deserve a good life." i.e., i enjoy complaining a lot about how i'm not good enough and others are so far ahead, but HELL, it's scary to even consider allowing myself to be fully here and happy. it just feels so weird, i can't even imagine it. maybe i'd rather be miserable than accept i'm allowed to be here and thrive. even entertaining the idea of "thriving" in this lifetime, doing well, trying to take care of myself...makes me so deeply uncomfortable. weird.

@Ramasta9 yes i read it. i'm sorry. i felt that it was important to explain why option1 might be problematic for some people....but never meant to offend you or discredit what you wrote. i'm sorry for not articulating this well enough.

i also did the math and 53(point three) is the lower end of the healthy range (52 to 69) for someone your height. aiming for 60kg would be perfectly fine, sustainable, and healthy for you.

i don't think it's healthy, nor necessary, to be fixated on numbers like that. especially the "point something" part... your weight is going to fluctuate anyway, so it's not like you'll be an exact fifty-three point five every time you step on the scales. ideally, you won't have to lower your calories every time you lose a few pounds BECAUSE your metabolism should adapt and you'll be active (which sounds like you are). i also don't think it's advisable to lower your daily intake much after you're already at 1750 as a man. best to stay consistent, keep working out, and give it some time. i also wouldn't tie the weight in kg to the body fat percentage. they may be related, but it's not as precise as hitting exactly 5% at exactly 53.5kg. i'm not sayiny any of this to be mean....just to misspell some misconceptions here because these are the things that could cause you to yo-yo diet etc. please also consider this video: i totally get that you want to see results, but also consider that if you lose weight too quickly, you'll lose muscle mass, too. best to stay consistent and focus on building strength, imo. also, in case you need to hear this, you can be attractive even with 10% or even 15% body fat. even 20. ...so my honest advice is to try not to get all too fixated on the numbers....focus on enjoying your workouts, your meals, and your lived experience. otherwise, you are very likely to burn out eventually. a number is just a thought. your lived experience is real:)

have any of you ever started journalling about your dreams inside a dream?

@SimpleGuyokay, that's still in the officially healthy range. (BMI of 21.6 if you're curious). i guess it can't hurt to have some blood work done though, just to check if there's anything unusual going on. other than that, i kind of agree with @Ramasta9but would emphasise that, given that you ask about it so directly, yes, chronically undereating will have consequences that will become noticeable eventually. so i'd say it's best to keep an eye on it.

@Schizophonia yeah i went on to write some emails to apply for internships:) and embroidered some flowers. saved the evening:) white snow is much better than a grey, desolate November landscape. except for the risk of slipping and falling if there're icy spots on the pavement.

i've been feeling low and unenergetic all day. went for a 20-minute run in the snow a few hours after waking up, but aside from that i just felt like napping all day, although i couldn't fall asleep. done some embroidery, watched some videos from the life purpose course, read a few chapters. i still worry about my future, what to study next/what job i should get, if my overall life situation will ever feel better than it does now. most of the time i'm either stressed or bored, or both at the same time. don't even know what i want to do, what i desire, or if i do, it feels unattainable anyway.

where's your bmi currently at? any chance you're over- or underestimating your daily intake?

@Xonas Pitfall yes, of course there's some nuance there. i have a teaching job (just a few weekends in the year so nothing to fill my schedule with) and there've been instances when i've written emails to the supervisor to let him know the book that i'm supposed to work with in class isn't really ideal. at the same time, i know that the whole frame of being part of an institution, having set hours and supervisors to consult with, steady income etc. are helpful for me personally. and sometimes i've asked students "what do you wanna do?" lol...or gave them a few options to pick from. it's not like i want to copy and paste documents all day. there's definitely some creative freedom when i draw up my lesson plans or something. there's also a "master lessons plan" that i should stick with, but like i said, i'm able to engage with that critically if i see it has some defects. i just found that it's helpful to have everything embedded in a greater external structure, so that there's already a starting point there.

yes, but i have a lot of mood swings. i feel hopeful about something for maybe an hour, and then life kicks back in and it all feels ugly and hopeless again.

@Schizophoniai have all these "what do i want" lists, or even an "unconditional, limitless universal shopping list", to help me get clear on these things. it hasn't really changed my life a lot. do you have any idea how the practice could be improved to remove the overlay of lack and the perception of not being good enough?