Judy2

sleep & dreams 2 it's actually "sleep & dreams 4" but i deleted the other entries cause it got a little too deep. we'll go with something easy and innocent for now. first of all, i just wanted to note that whenever i write about my dreams in the morning, i find that the order in which i remember my dreams is reversed. there may be some key elements from the middle of the dream that i write down in the beginning, but then my notes are basically in the wrong order, with the last dream before waking up coming first, and the earlier ones coming after that. i guess it is actually normal for our memory to function that way, but thought it was curious enough to mention it. also, a quick note that another recurring theme for me is obviously school/uni. the focus can be on the need to get something done, whether it's writing a paper or studying for an exam. or it can be related to the people i know from school (both teachers/professors and students). (...) i hadn't thought about it before, but i noticed that veganism is a recurring dream theme for me as well. i've been vegan for almost 5 years now and most of the time it's very normal to me, i don't have to think about it at all. in my dreams it seems to be a different story though. oftentimes i'd find myself around other people and vegan options might be unavailable (or my grandma will add butter to an otherwise vegan dish or whatever). a few days ago i saw a restaurant offer seafood in one of my dreams and found it very triggering. maybe because seafood can look a little creepy and it also reminded me of how lobsters are boiled while still alive. so i suppose the way my subconscious understands it, there is still a very strong moralistic undertone to my choice of living a vegan lifestyle. i briefly considered that it might be healthy for me to drop veganism for some time, but honestly i don't see the benefit. i don't see how i'd willingly put dead meat in my mouth and, knowing how brutal the entire industry is, i wouldn't want to consume dairy or eggs either (unless they're from backyard chickens, i guess?). .... okay now this sounds like i'm only repeating to myself that there's a strong moralistic undertone. at least that's only for myself - i never talk to anyone about veganism unless they invite me to. besides, it's probably alright to have my personal convictions about the topic. i've spent a lot of time learning about why this is the right choice for me personally, and there's not much harm in that.

i can't sleep and figured that this excerpt would keep me distracted for some time. while reading it out loud, i feel pretty calm and peaceful. i don't feel too intensely about anything....and yet, my voice and my whole body feel powerful and strong, emotive. i am not too deeply involved, and yet i know how powerful these words are, how deep they can go. who am i when i read these lines? ...there's something impressionistic that adds up to this "state" as a whole. the state i'm in while i perform my reading. in a way it feels good and beautiful...it's a Light. but then i can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with that version of me. i'm still scared and hesitant. keeping my lights dimmed feels so much safer.

why do i keep forgetting that i am beautiful?

i found this outside of my professor's office and couldn't help myself. corset unlaced and bring Romanticism back are probably my favourites.

i'm kind of angry at "God" for always putting me in these moral dilemmas. why do i always have to choose why can't i get more bruises, more pain, more blood, more highs, more nightmares and panic attacks and self-hate. i crave it very badly. i want more, and more, and more. why would i have to LOSE, let go of all of that to become the loving, intelligent person that i know i am supposed to be. God i'm so emotional. i hate it. why does all of this have to be so hard?

the number one reason why i am anxious is because i want to. like, the thought of not being anxious in a situation when really i should be anxious makes me anxious. so most of my stress stems from my being unsure about whether things are right or good enough for me to be relaxed and at ease with myself, or whether i should in fact feel stressed. which is why i tend to assume that everything's all bad and feel anxious. in a very twisted way it makes me feel safe, perhaps even powerful. so i'm not gonna give that up so easily...in fact the idea of giving it up makes me....you guessed it: anxious. i wish i was a little less smart and a little less self-aware. cause i do know that this has to come to an end sooner or later. and i wish all of this didn't make me feel so emotional.

every time i remember that i'm only this 'hateful', this scared and anxious CAUSE I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT BEING GOOD i have to cry cause it's kind of sweet

every time i think of possible outside perspectives on and judgements of this journal, i get really anxious. there's always a possibility to frame the limited amount of text that i share in a negative way. but i guess no one really cares. besides, if people don't like what i have to say, they can simply stop reading my journal. i'm aware of the constant negativity i perpetuate, and that's kind of a shame because i might have other, more positive and empowering perspectives to share. (but then every time i share a positive perspective i get scared that i might come across as too arrogant.) at the same time, remaining completely silent about my struggles wouldn't seem right either. i can be a bit of a drama queen, and as overly dramatic as it might seem, the drama feels very true and real to me. which is completely fine and, if i think about it, quite beautiful. it helps to have an emotional outlet, even if no one else "gets it".

on friday i was having a major meltdown over course registration and how to manage my final semester(s) and thesis...but now it looks like things might actually work out quite neatly. good! for my missing credits i can choose some fun, easy classes. like Spanish A1 or sign language. i'd be really excited to learn sign language, so fingers crossed that i'll be accepted for this class:) by the way, last night i figured that it would probably be helpful to start a gratitude practice again. just wanted to note this down, although i don't plan on sharing my lists in this journal (too much spam, i suppose).

i'm gonna ask for another extension for one of my paper deadlines. there's a part of me that feels like this is "cheating", and i feel quite guilty for it. like, maybe i'm just being lazy and that's why i get myself some doctor's note to have more time than everybody else. i know that's not the case at all and if anything, given my circumstances it is completely right and understandable that i may need more time. extensions are good when you have your reasons, i certainly have mine, and i am transparent about them. but it still feels a bit off to me.

...and it's strange to talk/write about myself in those terms. i don't plan on doing that permanently lol. it's just that sometimes i do have to spell things out for myself. cause it's almost shocking when i see it again, and it's not at all obvious to me most of the time.

i thought about it and perhaps The major point i have to keep reminding myself of is.... i don't want to waste my potential. i want to realise it. i don't want to waste my beauty. i want to appreciate and nurture it. because i am beautiful, i am good and i am loving. i am powerful - so much so that it scares me. and i am valuable - though i like to deny this. it's incredible how difficult it can be to see my beauty - and how easy it is to forget that it's there.

i feel anxious now because i'm overthinking a lot. there are more things to be added to the above, but for now it's enough. a few days ago i was told that despite the selfish nature of my "insisting on my pain", it might be okay to do it. maybe it's okay and i deserve to take my time and grieve a little. ... i'm not making any sense here, so i'm really sorry for that. it's really counterintuitive, but this does trigger a strong emotional reaction. so i guess there must be some truth to it. i'm allowed to be so selfish as to insist on my pain for now. i'm allowed to feel hurt. i could just suck it all up and maybe that would be the selfless, loving way to do this. but maybe right now i still feel like i need to keep showing the world how badly i got hurt, and so i will. there's something comforting in this.

i feel inferior. i feel like i am not nearly as good as everybody else. i feel like i am not good enough. ...and i KNOW that i could just stop insisting on this perspective. i could just say "screw it, i'm gonna love it all". i could do that. and pretty quickly, this would brighten up my general life circumstances. but i don't do it. or i do it for a minute or an hour, until i come up with another excuse and keep on hating myself. cause it's safer. if something's wrong - or not quite "ideal" for that matter- , i'd better be aware of it. i don't want to be unaware of my inferiority and pretend like i am better than i am. i don't want to be happy when things aren't right. and so i keep hating myself. i keep suffering for the very basic reason that i want to suffer. and then i complain about it. but seeing this doesn't resolve the conflict. so i keep wondering....do i still lack deeper, broader awareness of this whole dynamic? or do i simply lack the courage to Love when i know it is the only way?

i've had a very productive day so far - for once. but for some reason i'm feeling a little unsteady. or sentimental, i guess. sometimes i just don't know what to think or what to believe. and so i'm lost and scared. which is fine.

now i'm very emotional and a little upset or something. cause i feel like no one understands how MASSIVE it is to give up yourself and have the courage to stick around when it would be so much easier to leave. it's so massive that i have no words for it. but from the outside it's this unspectacular little thing where "it can't have been that bad if you survived and you're healthy now", and no one cares about the intensity of the whole experience. sorry if i upset anyone now and make it sound like i demand external acknowledgement or whatever. that's not what this is. i'm just personally at a loss when i think of how huge all of this is. and i'm at a loss when i don't know how to communicate it or make it seen, make it count.

this afternoon i called my mum because i was told that it would be helpful to inquire a little into her pregnancy with me, my birth story and early childhood years. it was helpful and also healing in many ways - to hear about her emotions and how much she cared about me. how she was trying to stand up for me when dad didn't really care to. it made me cry, in a good way. but then she started talking about my experience from age 13-17 (should have been 18 anyway) as if i'm doing completely fine now. and that hurts. while i try to keep a lot of things from her because i don't want her to worry about me...it hurts that she fails to see that i'm not fine, that i'm actually still struggling a lot. and it hurts to see that, although she should know better by now, apparently she'd take my situation a whole lot more seriously if i was still underweight. ouch.

https://youtu.be/xqy7Gqgu1BU

i've been doing a little better in the past few days, but i still get stuck in endless loops where i come up with all these reasons why i'm a bad person. i'm so cringe, i'm so ugly, i'm so bad i'm so incompetent, i'm so childish and this is so uncomfortable. ...trying to let it go though.

@Something Funny that's great, i'm happy for you:) and thank you for your suggestion. i'll keep this option in mind.

@Something Funny i've done lsd, maybe 15 times or so. at the moment i'm hesitant about tripping though cause i'm scared that my anxiety is gonna be too intense. my sensitivity is very high so even a microdose can feel like a full trip.

i love these moments when Life feels like a novel to me