Judy2

i'm aware that it doesn't look like it, but i'm really trying to find a solution here. and no matter how hard i try, i just can't seem to resolve things. it's not like i lack the cognitive abilities to think other thoughts or whatever....this is a deeply emotional conflict, that's the whole point. i don't know what else i coud possibly do to get better. i'm doing well at uni, i have friends, i have a job. all in all i'm pretty functional. but then, i'm not, and sometimes i just wish i could disappear from this planet.

it feels like everyone around me is prettier and better and happier than me i wish i was perfect, but i'm not and then i fall into this black and white type of thinking where i'm all bad and they're all good and the good things about me are no more than a mismatch, an existential mistake

i feel like i'm so awkward and embarrassing:(

i tend to feel as though i don't have a right to be maybe because i can see how much of a privilege it is but i mean i'm already here

i wish i was gone i wish i could just watch and marvel at Life from a distance i love you all so much, i care so much about every single one of you but i wish i was gone i wish i didn't have to have legs and arms, thoughts and feelings i wish i didn't know what it's like to feel the cool evening breeze on my skin, or the sweetness of words on my mind

"By not making a choice, you've made a choice."

i'm very grateful for my friends.

...there's still sadness every time i realise that no matter what life i'll be living, it will be perfectly ordinary.

i feel a hint of sadness and melancholy. as if anyone or anything in this Life could be "special" or "other". all of this is so unspeakably ordinary and mediocre. and all of the problems i've been so preoccupied with aren't even real. how desperately i wanted them to be real! and now i can't help but cry because everything's the same to me.

the kids i'm tutoring are just way too sweet and well-behaved. after our lessons i'm always so awfully aware that i'm an adult now, and at the moment they're also making me question my career goals. maybe i should become a teacher after all? but i don't even know which country i'll settle in, and i don't want to get bored with my job.

...it's probably not good that i'm so self-centred anyway. not sure how to resolve this.

i am struggling a little when i try to share positive perspectives or experiences in this journal. maybe because my inner conflicts always seem so much more fundamental than the few decontextualised moments of joy and appreciation that almost seem structurally irrelevant. or because i feel like i'm either being silly or arrogant when i write about myself or my life in positive terms. then again, i feel just as guilty for my imbalanced, mostly pessimistic entries in here. it might not be all too apparent from the outside - i guess most of the time it looks like i'm playing word games and jumping back and forth between the same five or six dualities - but expressing some of my emotions through language can trigger emotional releases and does not necessarily keep me stuck. anyway, the point is that i feel like i should try to include some more positivity in here. i'm not quite sure how exactly (make lists?, impressionistic descriptions, note it down when i do feel good about myself in the same way that i'd do it when i feel bad about myself?) but i'll figure it out eventually. i'm just scared that i'm gonna sound selfish when one day i go like "i like my hair and my eyes" or whatever.

i am such a failure. i could be so perfect, but then i'm not. and now i really don't know what to do with myself.

there is no "real existential problem". it is Okay to feel the way i feel.

"What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic." ~ Oscar Wilde

i can be in a room full of people, and still i feel lonely inside. we can all hug twice a night to say hi and bye, and yet i am left feeling untouched, disconnected. i wish i could just say out loud how i feel, verbalise some of my thoughts as they arise. tell them that i think i'm evil, that i hate my body and hate my face. maybe someone would care, but i don't want to be inappropriate. i thought about this today, and after a while i also thought... even when i feel lonely, at least a few moments of genuine connection do occur when i'm around other people. my laughter may be a little hollow, but it can still be genuine. and when i was tearing up in that rocking chair the other night, i noticed that a friend had come over to stand behind me and he started rocking the chair for me.

"You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop." ~ Rumi

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense. The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you." ~ Rumi

@Raptorsin7 thank you♡

"Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation." ~ Rumi

i'm at my grandma's again and the fields and woods surrounding the village are pure magic. i remember 8 or 9-year-old judy sitting in the living room upstairs, grandpa's graph paper in front of her, trying to figure out what this "infinity-feeling" was all about... - Consciousness is so vast!

Life can be so deeply Romantic...and i feel like i fail to live up to that. some of the things i've seen and felt, the places i've known are simply too Good. and then i wonder how can that be? what a waste to show all this Divine Beauty to an ugly creature like me! i should either be just as perfect and beautiful as the most divinely sweet elements i've gotten to see in this lifetime - but i'm not - or someone else should see them in my place. some of the things i've had and experienced - i'm simply not good enough for them. ... this is so confusing and existentially painful. there's this infinitely profound devotion, awe and admiration for some "stories", processes and aspects of Being. and i wish all of this could stay pure. i wish i didn't have to spoil it with all the things about me that are "lesser" and not quite perfect.

i only realised this year that since i was 13 or something, i didn't really plan on having a future. my definition of success would have been to live in as much misery as possible until i'm maybe 25 or 30. i never explicitly thought about it, but maybe it was implied. explicitly i thought i wanted to heal and recover, have a family and be a good mum. i don't even know if i actually meant it, because the living in misery part was also deeply attractive to me. and now it really doesn't help when people only tell me "you're gonna get wrinkles and look old anyway". it only makes me think that i should have just died when i was 18. and it's really, really scary to think about what life i'll be living now.