Judy2

guilt. this morning i woke up feeling a lot of tension. at first, i thought it was the usual anxiety, but then i realised that actually it was guilt. when i was actively eating disordered, guilt was always among the first emotions that kicked in after i started eating more, moving less, or doing anything else that was outside of my comfort zone. cause it's Wrong! it means DANGER, and my system knows this. like any other emotion, guilt is there "to protect". kind of lame.....and at the same time, it works! it makes it a hundred times more unattractive to step outside my comfort zone, "love myself", "accept myself", and so forth. now i wasn't expecting to be dealing with this emotion today, mostly because i'm operating in an entirely different context these days...or maybe not. it's still "recovery". and while being sick has definitely lost its thrill now that i am in my twenties and i'm the only one suffering here, it's still utterly scary to try and grow beyond myself. again, my system actually very deeply believes it to be unsafe. and so all it can do is make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable emotions to prevent me from doing something stupid. i feel overwhelmed, unsteady and decentred. i don't know what to think anymore and if it's bad to keep working on having more positive perspectives on myself. there's so much tension and my throat is tight, my eyes are watery. kind of stupid how emotional all of this has to be. though perhaps i should enjoy it, at least i'm never bored. but it's okay. i think i can get past this. i've done it many times. i choose Love. it's as simple as that. ...and then i feel guilty for making it seem like i'm so convinced of this, so positive and strong in my undertakings. so"self-confident", the boring kid that's "pro self-love" because that's all she can do when the reality is that she's just Ugly... God, it hurts. it's a lot. i guess it can help to write about this though, and really explain the emotional dilemma i find myself in, so that it won't go unheard or unappreciated.

i know that this doesn't seem to make much sense, but as i re-read this i had to cry because....something about this is so incredibly, INCREDIBLY loving and merciful.

...................................................................... i feel so much - and that's okay. it's fine that these days my primary purpose seems to be to hold myself together, and to allow myself to feel bad at times. once again it occurred to me how there can be something strangely appeasing in embracing and appreciating this experience. i've said it a million times before - that i should simply feel how i feel - but living it is a different story. i'm work in progress, and first and foremost i can Be, without pretending like the valid time of my life is only yet to come; it's not. i've been through a lot and every second of it was cherished. i may be hurting and struggling, i may be in tears and pain, i may beg for a way out where there is none...and yet every second of it is cherished. and i don't need anyone to understand. i don't need anyone to validate what i'm doing here. there is no ulterior motive; this is it. ......................................................................

i feel so confused and overwhelmed.

it's weird how i can be trapped in a state of unbearable, crippling anxiety... only to feel super soothed and calm a few hours later - completely confident that everything's alright. ...until the game starts all over again.

Lewis Capaldi is the best. there's so much emotion and intensity in his voice. gets me every time. https://open.spotify.com/track/6H7fWtwEUHVfTyZD7zeG4w?si=3WJ_68JpRfOoRslJ9lz4RQ&utm_source=copy-link

i want to cry.

there's so much Love:)

i get these moments where for some reason, as soon as i relax and allow my mind to stop overthinking so vehemently.... ....there's ....something that i can't quite put my finger on. Being, i guess. and i just want to stare at anything. i want to stare, because i'm so in Love with it. everything that is, is! (like Wow, that's Insane!) and the simple fact that it is what it is- or rather, it is that it is - makes it unshakably, undoubtedly beautiful. these words mean nothing, they make no sense at all. but thank God that it's true! ... my thoughts can only go "aaaaaaaw". and then i lose it again.

i feel like i'm the weirdest person ever and i'm just. so. cringe. my body is tense and i feel like i should apologise for every word i've ever said. "no matter what i say or do, it's always wrong. and surely people think i'm crazy."

i use words to express myself. in this journal, in the piles of private journals that i've filled throughout the years and just in general. and yet, what i'm trying to say is always beyond the words that i use. sometimes i wish i could simply copy and paste the energies, vibes and emotions that i feel. ...also to find them again when i lost sight of them. but i'm afraid that's not possible, and maybe it's for the best. to simply be. (whole). i guess my point here is simply... i use a lot of dumb, empty, repetitive words in this journal. they mean virtually nothing. nonetheless, typing them can have a strong energetic impact on me. and perhaps reading them (or anything else) also affects you as a reader, in one way or another, and always as needed. though this is not for me to decide.

i like my hair. when the lighting is right, it can look slightly golden. it goes past my waist and looks cute when i wear it in two plaits. i like my eyes. they are deep and strong and pure. i like the set of earrings i am wearing right now. they are very simplistic but pretty and i inherited them from my grandma. i like that i am softer than i think i am. i love that i can feel this deeply. emotions are so beautiful. i love my friends. i love music. i love it when i see strangers smile at each other, or when people look after each other. it is just so lovely and precious to see how people show love.

now that is a lie. i simply like feeling sexy when i'm "angry". and then i think i must seem so desperate and cheap, like i'm the biggest wannabe ever.

i talked to a friend the other night and he said that it would help me to express anger. then just before i woke up this morning i had a thought, and the thoughts i have on waking up tend to be...idk, useful? accurate? i'm trying to make this sound sexy now, otherwise i'm gonna feel like a bad person. "if ___, i'll slap you in the face. i'm not good at slapping people, so it wouldn't hurt too bad. but you'd understand the gesture."

* i feel exhausted and i'm really not doing well. there can be moments when i feel like i've finally resolved it all and then 20 minutes later i don't even know anymore how to make it through the rest of the day. if i could do something to make it stop, i would. but it seems like there's nothing to be done here. i don't want to go on living like this, not for another day or month, let alone another year. and then i feel guilty for saying it as it is, or for being a burden on my friends. i'm aware that it's not helping anyone when all i do is spread negativity, also in this journal. at least i'm being real about it and i'm not hiding, so maybe that's worth something. but who knows.

for some reason, this doesn't compute so well. that we can suffer this badly, and it's simply no one's fault. it's not my fault or your fault, nor is it anybody else's. we don't want to accept this. maybe because it's easier to have someone to blame. or because it's yet another subtle way to avoid "what is".

https://open.spotify.com/track/1R7F8kYZxOe1VcGCC4eYfE?si=i9cR6PMgRZudh2JqAX6mAg&utm_source=copy-link

i have this thing where i express something positive and then my head starts screaming "you're a liar!" and when i say out loud what i dream of or desire, i feel like things are automatically less likely to go well somehow stupid me. i wish i could make it stop.

i want to be in touch with the love, sweetness and innocence that i can find within myself from time to time i want to feel safe i want to feel this loving connection with other people, whether they are friends or strangers i want to have a baby......within the next decade i guess.