Judy2

lol i don't know why i like this song, but it's kind of fun to listen to. it has this sarcastic undertone again, yet at the same time it empathises with some perspectives you might consider to be "unconscious", reactive, selfish or close-minded - to the extent that they are actually seen as a valid stage to be at. perhaps the song also speaks to the part of me that kind of feels like a conscious dose of toxicity and "unconsciousness" can be quite sexy. please don't quote me on this though:)

i just want to know that everything will be okay

...okay i'm still stressed. it would be nice to simply Be, without needing to overthink everything, or think about previous thoughts... it would be nice to Relax, without needing to worry or "understand" everything....- there's room for that sometimes, but when i am done i should be able to let my thoughts and perspectives go, and let things be simple.

haha true sometimes i wonder if it's narcissistic to have an entire journal just to talk about ME. although i guess in a way that's the nature of a journal? things can get so confusing in my head sometimes lol.

@Something Funny i'm being very honest and real when i express myself here. but within that i am being too shy about expressing the good things while overemphasising all of the pain and negativity that i feel. there's nothing wrong with it per se and perhaps it has been necessary for me to express these things here. in fact i thought about it and came to the conclusion that it's generally important to see such intensely painful perspectives as valid, even (and especially) if they may seem exaggerated, "unrealistic" or overly dramatic from the outside. at the same time, i understand that this is perhaps not all too enjoyable to read for everybody else. and personally i would probably also enjoy sharing some of my more inspiring, loving perspectives:) thank you for saying that though. @Sine i'm glad you like it <3 and it's good to hear from you again:)

...really, i should get a warning point for every thread or post that i hide...most recently because i became paranoid that there might be one typo, just one, even though there actually wasn't. i'm generally quite anxious about the impression i leave here. by now i probably look quite dumb and immature. technically speaking i wouldn't say i'm unintelligent, but my insecurities keep getting in the way. also, it's true that i could turn this journal into something more beautiful and inspiring than the collection of my most depressive thoughts that it currently is. it's not like i haven't thought of this before, but it is difficult to put into practice because again, i'm just really really insecure about myself. anyway, i simply wanted to clarify that i am aware of this and i'm working on it, even if it may take some time.

okay i thought i'd share something a little different today:) Cœur de Pirate is probably my favourite French artist. i love the more sentimental songs like "Oublie-moi", "Drapeau blanc" and "Prémonition", and i've already shared "Combustible" here. "Tu peux crever là-bas" isn't sentimental at all and is more on the sarcastic side... i like listening to this (or singing along) when i need a little bit of comic relief, and it can put me in a positive, empowered mood.

i'm still struggling with loneliness. even though i'm friends with some people, it's like no one is there in the moments when it would count. i'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to resolve this issue. and right now i feel sad, frustrated and a little desperate.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2KReCz1L5XkGIBhDncQ5VZ?si=_xune4qYSTmiEz96isMJPA

i've mostly been doing okay for the past few days, but today i find that i'm a little sad and emotional again. also, this is unrelated but every time i come across this channel again and watch a few videos, it makes me cry. maybe because you can really tell how much loving effort she puts into taking care of children who come from otherwise really toxic, dysfunctional homes. https://youtube.com/@foster.parenting

i'm currently at my grandma's and as usual, the house, garden and the fields and woods surrounding the village are sublime. the other day i went for a long walk and, strolling through the fields, i saw a fox:) in the middle of the afternoon. in the past few weeks i have certainly had my ups and downs. about two weeks ago i had a phase when i was looking back and felt painfully aware of the chronic issues i have been dealing with for the better half of my life; loneliness and the feeling of not belonging anywhere (or with anyone) being at the top of the list. i felt really desperate for a few days - although a part of me might have known that i was feeling so desperate precisely because things might be going uphill soon? and that's a crazy thing to say, especially since i'm still scared and hesitant. "i can't just go on and be happy and healthy now; not now, not yet...that's just way too easy..." in the past two weeks there have also been a few tough moments with someone i care about a lot. essentially i cried until my eyes started to hurt on Tuesday night, but after that hardly any of the sadness was left. what remains now is a lot of sweetness every time i think of the moments we shared. from time to time i'm still sad or in pain, but i guess it will be alright. in the past few days, i have also had a few insights on my "anxious attachment style", if that's how you call it. it's not like i haven't thought about this before, but understanding that "the good and the bad" aren't really the problem definitely helps me put things into perspective. - the real problem is my clingy, anxious way of relating to these concepts...and as a result also to my own thoughts and emotions (which is where it gets really problematic). one of the ways in which this manifests is my obsessive-compulsive approach to my journalling practice (i'm mostly referring to my private journal here). i love journalling, i love expressing myself through language and it can be helpful to process certain emotions - but constantly needing to update, correct and reformulate my handwritten notes also creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. this is definitely something i need to tackle, although i'm not quite sure how.

i tend to feel like i am obligated to categorise, analyse and interpret everything. this has certainly helped me develop a sophisticated view on life in general... but i wonder if i am really "obligated" to do so, and it would be a relief to find out that this is not the case. that i'm allowed to be, with a lot of contradictory thoughts inside my head, with emotions that keep shifting...with Being that flows in ways that are beyond what the mind can conceive of. which is why i am beginning to value silence a lot more.

there is no need to explain the context or anything but right now i'm feeling really emotional and sad. i feel Love and a lot of sadness i've cried a lot today and i'll be alright, we'll all be alright, everything will be alright. but i'm also really sad and wish things could be simple and easy for once.

if you're gonna hurt me, hurt me. and if you're gonna comfort me, comfort me. but don't hurt me halfway and think you can comfort me then. cause i'll want either more pain or comfort, not this you-can't-get-more-comfort-i'm-sorry-but-i'll-still-give-you-a-hug. if you're gonna say bye but still be there to hold me while i'm heartbroken or whatever; i couldn't take that version of "love". i don't want it, it's torture. the look-i'm-so-nice-and-perfectly-caring-but-you-can't-really-have-me. that's like worse than if you were mean from the beginning. why's it always the same scars, over and over again?

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• i want to experience pregnancy. i want to experience motherhood. i want to experience what it's like to be fully committed to the task of raising a child. this means the world to me and i imagine it would be such an important and infinitely fulfilling thing for me to do. i pray that this will work out for me. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

aaaaaah i got the photos:( they're not super bad and in some ways i look pretty. but then i can point out a handful of things about me that RUIN everything, so that overall i'm quite ugly. like, my hair is the only thing about me that looks nice. why does my FACE have to ruin it?? means that i can't even get a nice shot of my hair because my face is inevitably there, too... and people have to look at that when they talk to me. and then when i'm 40 or 50 i'll look like my parents:((( so is it only getting worse from here?

the problem with this journal is that it's just a collection of stories. and it's the stories that tend to leave me feeling anxious. stories upon stories upon stories, until my head is spinning. can i tell a story, see how it feels, acknowledge it, perhaps share it if it feels right...and then move on? because there's nothing definite about a story, and it's foolish to hold onto it too tightly. but then when i write in here, i feel like there's almost some sort of obligation to constantly correct myself. update the story, make it "accurate". well, the point is that there's nothing accurate about a story to begin with. and if a story is told, it's okay for it to be an isolated and temporary, yet valid impression. guess that's sort of the anti-anxiety strategy i have to pursue nowadays...Feel, be, flow.

this afternoon my friends and i left town for a couple of hours to go for a walk in nature. it was nice. uncomplicated, for once. i guess i'm generally trying really hard to feel normal this weekend, without overcomplicating things or constantly worrying about "the big picture", whatever that means. somewhere in the woods i saw some sort of mid-sized snake and i startled. i was screaming for about a minute and started running in the opposite direction. then it was gone and i calmed down. afterwards i felt like it was kind of funny.... and i did enjoy the adrenaline rush. other than that it was just a really nice day and i'm hoping to go for walks similar to this one more often. maybe i can bribe one of my acquaintances who have a car to take me somewhere nice:)

@Yimpa lol i just wanted to say something nice. it's not my fault that this doesn't compute so well for you guys.

@Sincerity also, i think you look really cute:) and i had a big smile on my face watching your recording.

nobody asked but...in 2020, i was obsessed with taking pictures of myself. at the peak of my illness i took hundreds of pictures a day, and i'm not even exaggerating. so naturally when i had my first awakening around that time, i had to document that as well - but i'm not sure if this is something worth sharing because of the context of it being part of an unhealthy obsession. and nowadays i'm struggling to take even just one picture of myself....because i look at it and go "aaah God why am i SO ugly???"

@Sincerity