Judy2

@RendHeaven thank you very much:)

aaaah....i'm sorry! yeah i'm starting to have a bum now. it's quite the experience. never really understood the hype around why people care about that visually, but it feels nice having one lol. especially when wearing dresses. i believe it may be a combination of bloating and bad posture for me. i'll address both:) which are the muscles i need to train to fix the posture issue? (TVA, like you said?) i think i'm doing an exercise for that at the gym where i press something down with my chest.

@RendHeaven thank you, that's very sweet of you:) 1) i'm trying....mostly just sharing the darker thoughts here, too, because they want to be heard. otherwise i feel like i'm all on my own and no one sees what i'm battling all the time. that's why i tend to share more of the negative bits than the positive counter-arguments...but i guess i should be trying to focus more on those...will do. 2) i know that other women can look beautiful and lean even at higher bmis, but i sort of feel like i'm the exception because of the way my face is naturally shaped and because i am short and have got a very narrow bone structure, so i easily get that chubby look, i think. but yes, theoretically you're right and i'm trying to give that a chance. 3) yes that's what i intend to do:) i'm also trying to let go of all those comparisons, but it's been rough these first two weeks, given that i'm new to all of this. i know that thinness isn't the only one way to measure beauty - it's just the one parameter i've habitually focussed on for so long, because that makes for a very simple and clear-cut definition of how i think i can compensate my sense of inferiority. 4) how do you think my posture affects how my lower belly sticks out? i have never considered this possibility before. i always thought it had something to do with indigestion or bloating. 5) there are a lot of other areas in my life that are seeping with instability that i genuinely do not know how to resolve. the body image issue is just the tip of the iceberg.

@RendHeaven thank you:) i know there are also lots of recovery channels on YouTube. at times i do feel understood, listening to some of them.

yeah i'll have to think about that😅 probably something like being comfortable with myself, feeling at home, having a grounded sense of self-worth, a stable social circle of people who i relate to and feel connected with, someday a partner and a family and kids...

@Schizophonia so basically the belief is that my emotional reality i best expressed, acknowledged, and validated, when it's written all over my body...either in the form of self-harm scars, or being too thin. i don't know what to do with my emotions to express or process them in a healthy sort of way.

@Schizophonia it also doesn't help that i've got a whole lot of other problems (emotional regulation type of stuff and self-worth issues and so on) that i know i need therapy for, which i am struggling to find right now. and i've got that ed diagnosis on paper, and my life's a mess, which is something i can't fix all by myself. if i fix the weight part all by myself and still need help with the rest, they might not take me seriously or might discredit the validity of my struggles with body image and so on. i think? basically a big fear is not being taken seriously. last time i spoke with a therapist i was told about how unusual it was that i managed to weight-restore without therapeutic help when i was 18...and that felt pretty bad, being called "atypical" for that when it was literally me taking a massive, incredible leap of faith and doing what felt like the impossible...because i had to, because otherwise i would have died. my best friend also does this. not even on purpose, but he invalidates my very real ed struggles and it would be sort of helpful to have something real to show him as to make him understand that i'm not just making this up, and that it's got a very powerful hold on my brain...because this stuff does shape you, when it's all you're thinking about and all that matters throughout your formative years.

@Schizophonia yeah it's just that there's a whole identity wrapped up in that. i also feel a lot more free to do stuff, wear what i want to wear, go where i want to go, when i'm skinny. when i'm too big i have to hide in my room and can only go out at night and can't go swimming and can only wear baggy clothes and have to be ashamed of myself when i'm around people. that has been my lived experience for a few summers while being at a higher weight, and it's not something i'm very eager to re-live.

suicide has never really been an option for me. it's mostly just a matter of how do i live and tolerate life, how do i survive somehow. it's always just about Life, and that i want life to be good and okay for me, and i don't know how to make that happen. why am i so helpless and weak? Why is this so hard? it's too hard. so hard that the struggle is taking up too much space - not an enjoyable, adventurous amount of space, but it's all one gigantic vacuum of despair and dread and helplessness, of EVERYTHING being affected, nothing being right or easy or simple anymore. it's too much. it's not okay. whoever scripted this: this is not okay! some sense of quest, challenge, adventure may be fun, may indeed be needed in life - but this is too much! it's taking away way too much from the joy and fulfilment and inloveness that i know life should be. i don't even need life to be perfect, i'm okay with some levels of challenge and discomfort. but this is too much, God! it's too much. it's taking up too much room and ruining all the good bits. please just let me live in peace, let me be and let me breathe, for once. for God's sake!

...throughout all these years, i know that deep down i've always believed and always had that vision in my head that things WILL get better eventually. i know they will. i know i have it in me to make that happen. i believe it's possible... i believe i can make it out of this, somehow, i believe there can be a point when life gets easier and starts making sense and being fun and easy and filled with joy again... ...i just don't know how. i really don't. and it's absolutely frustrating to bear witness to this ongoing struggle, this constant tug-of-war, this constant trying. it's so tiring, so painful, so draining....but mostly painful. i want it to stop hurting so much! i want things to start being okay! how??? just how???

i'm such a loner, always struggling and fighting all by myself. no one sees this, and it might even be worse when i'm around other people, because i'm so distrustful of them... so instead of making me feel connected and understood, other people tend to put me even more on guard - they might be the ones informing me and revealing to me that i'm ugly and fat and not good enough, after all... - so they tend to make that whole struggle even more complicated, at least seemingly. which is why "i don't need people", "i don't like people", ...i avoid people. if there's a reason i'm no longer censoring myself on here, it's because all of this is so exhausting and i just need somewhere, some place, where i can be honest, where i can be truthful, where i can be myself (even if i'm ugly and stupid and "too negative" and narcissistically self-absorbed to a very concerning degree...).

feeling lonely, and i'm trying to think of a constructive solution, but it's actually not so easy to do something about that. i mean at least someone touched my triceps today, that's something.

it all seems so hopeless, like i'll never get better, i'll never be okay.

...feeling pretty low and depressed, because everything is such a daily, constant struggle of trying to figure out what to do so that things can finally get better for me. i'm constantly fighting - so, so, so hard - never truly able to rest, or relax.

...maybe it's not good and healthy for me to be obsessing over and analysing my looks like that all the time. maybe i could trust that 5kg more or less won't make a huge difference and i'll be looking cute regardless. ...but yeah, in practice it's really hard. because my sense of identity and self-worth is 1000% tied up in my appearance. (cause what else is there?)

went to the gym again today. my body image is still really confused. i've just gotten used to the state of my face to the point that i can consider it pretty and still quite slim and tolerable and not too chubby again but for the rest of my body, i can't figure out if it's still quite skinny and just right and how i'd want to keep it....if it's already too fat, sort of skinny-fat, if it's too muscular... i don't know. i'm really confused about this. also, my lower belly tends to stick out a lot. i can feel that it's not fat because the part that sticks out is further beneath the skin. might be either my intestines or my uterus...but it looks like it sticks out in a more extreme way than it does for other women. (i also know the lower belly had that extreme curve to it even when i was a few kilos underweight in the autumn/winter...maybe it's the intestines or uterus being even more pronounced in their curve because of an absence of belly fat? i'm trying not to worry about it...but i do think about what other people think when they see that when i'm wearing gym shorts or a dress. i wonder if they think i'm fat, or quite slim.) also, i (somewhat intentionally, somewhat unintentionally) made my social anxiety spike by asking the staff to show me some exercises. noticed my body taking on a very shy, anxious posture when walking up to the machine i was trying... the guy who showed me touched my triceps without asking first, which i found a bit irritating. he should be trained to ask.

this song has been replaying in my head again lately, every now and then. i think i've linked it before somewhere, but can't find it anymore: what if i didn't do this to my body? what if i quit and then you don't want me? the dinner conversation no one talks about i don't know how much longer i can keep this down beauty is a knife i've been holding by the blade swallowing my pride so i won't eat anything it's all a lie honestly, it's eating me alive they're all like did you change your hair? did you lose a little weight? you should keep it up cause it really looks great i hate that i always look my best when i'm dying on the inside

maybe being an adult is a bit like becoming your own parent? like pretending i'm my own mum or like i am living the life of my own daughter - not my own life, because loving myself and being good to myself and pretending like i care about my health (jesus! that word...) makes me nauseous and gives me a really bad gut reaction. (i hate myself, i'm ugly, i don't deserve to live, i don't deserve to be alive, i'm not good enough, i'm not allowed to enjoy life, i'm not allowed to exist, i'm not allowed to be happy...) i guess that's what enables what they call "functional" long-term decision making (i'm bad at that, i thrive on dysfunctional impulses... - there's still space for a few more scars on my thigh, i'm just waiting for someone to say the next invalidating, hurtful phrase that reminds me of just how wrong Everything about me is...). anyway...just an idea that has been crossing my mind lately.

called mum to discuss my desperation with the therapy-situation. would have wanted to hide all my sadness and desperation, to push away all the emotion - but couldn't. was surprised to find her quite validating: "you are sad - it's okay that you are sad, sometimes we get sad" (on point embodiment of dbt therapy strategies, even though she doesn't know about them - i'm impressed, mum!) ... still haven't found a solution, but i guess i'll have to figure it out somehow.

...still such a struggle! definitely i don't even have the words for it, to express just how much of a struggle it is.

still feeling pretty conflicted because it's all easier said than done. guess i don't want my body to change a lot for now, but i'll try to eat enough to fuel my workouts and have energy throughout the day. and i'll try to focus on healthy, balanced nutrition.

..i wonder if i should be ashamed of myself, for sharing all this darkness and chaos, this mess i have inside of myself. i wonder what you guys think, if you think i'm a completely narcissistic, stupid bitch. probably. ...trying not to care? i don't know. i do probably care. mostly just sharing nowadays because a) if i don't think too much about all the suffering involved, i actually feel like the kinds of thoughts i'm having are quite fascinating and interesting...just from a purely philosophical or psychological pov. sharing some thoughts that i know are sick helps me look at them with a sort of detached admiration, rather than tormented self-identification... and b) it's one of the few coping mechanisms i have that might be somewhat functional and provide a sense of stability (as you can tell i am lacking). but yeah, i should definitely be ashamed of myself.

...just opened my letter with the report from the clinic and it sounds like at least a handful of people on this planet still believe i'm seriously messed up. (call me crazy but it's usually a fun experience, reading about how sick people think i am). ... which is nothing i'll be able to fix all by myself, within a few days. so i'll still need therapy, i guess. just don't know when and where and with whom...it's quite difficult to arrange this even with insurance. (and again, triggering to try my best to make progress even without support right now...)

...calmed down a bit. out of all the things i'm so ambivalent about (because there are so many contradictory parts inside of me, so many contradictory definitions of right and wrong that i personally get confused about how to handle my own theories on how to stay safe...), out of all things right and wrong... i guess it can't be wrong to prioritise my health. it feels a little wrong, but it's probably the "right" that will get me out of this mess in the long term. whereas the ed-version of what's right usually just perpetuates a state of helplessness, waiting, counting days, ...and so on. symbolic dissociation from life and truth and what's actual. - still scary, still extremely difficult. but health is what i know i want in the long term anyway. i don't want a life of restrictive eating - i know i don't. (it's just that NOT NOW...because i still need to be skinny for now, because things are so messy and chaotic and i've got nothing to hold onto...) also, i don't particularly like the idea of making my metabolism slow down again after only just having given it some energy to re-boot. it's just weird, having to choose between a body and food. at least apparently, at least in my black and white world. even a healthy, good-looking body just isn't the same as an anorexic body. but then, the anorexic high is a very isolated spiritual experience, with huge costs. ...have been contemplating this for months in this journal (i think?)...and i know the answer. even though it's incredibly, fundamentally scary, even though nobody understands and i feel invalidated and triggered and and and... okay. oh, and btw. i've been wanting to say that i have this idea of planning a solo trip to reward myself after handing in my thesis (which should be in a few months??? if things finally work out...). regardless of the mark i get...because i'm doing something that's really difficult for me, and so i deserve a reward. (deserve to live...so i guess forcing myself to go on a trip and be alive is also a bit of a challenge again). solo travelling in nature is probably too scary, so i'm thinking i might go to a city again. maybe Copenhagen, maybe Barcelona. never been there before, but i figured i might get along there quite well. ...or maybe i will plan some hikes as well, we'll see.

yeah i totally get that! it makes sense to bring this stuff to your awareness instead of turning a blind eye to it:)