Judy2

yeah i get what you mean:)

isn't that the worst feeling lol? but i appreciate the advice:) i'll try to be more relaxed about it.

@Majedokay cool:) could you maybe give an example?

yes. i mean it's just a lot of pressure to have to decide now what specific degrees to invest my time into, which will then be the basis for the rest of my life and determine how i'll spend my time every day and who i'll be, essentially. for many careers, there are very specific rules and it's not as easy to switch once you have chosen one path.

no, i don't want to start a business. generally speaking, the safety of being employed seems appealing.

i'm in an oddly good mood today. almost happy. it's beyond me how my mood keeps swinging from one extreme to the other and right back, but maybe i shouldn't question that and just let myself be happy. :). for God's sake, just this one time.

i have a degree in English literature and while i did feel passionate about it during my studies, i also found that there are some limitations in the kind of social impact you can have on the world if all you do is analyse century-year-old books and write papers about fictional characters (even if these individuals reflect social and cultural trends). what is your take on this? if you consider the model Ikigai (you can google that briefly if you don't know what i am talking about), you could also say that some elements aren't covered with a career in literature. the value you provide for others, and maybe the dimension of whether people are willing to pay you for what you do. of course, universities are willing to pay, but what is the higher goal of your research and teaching? i would be really curious to hear how you feel about that:)

oh, you don't know the kinds of books people read these days:) but i get your point.

@Schizophonia i don't know how to explain why it can be problematic but there are complex reasons. sometimes it's like switching addictions when they still talk about food 24/7. this is not the case with every creator, but with some it's pretty evident. personally, i'm too scared to give a career in social media a try anyway. i don't have to try it to know my brain wouldn't handle it well to be praised and loved on the one hand and criticised and attacked, perhaps on a very personal level, on the other. and just the act of choosing what others get to see and what they don't see, essentially manipulating the picture they have of me and marketing myself....idk it's not for me. that being said, i have considered writing a book to share about my experiences, but i never get very far when trying to write it. i'm kind of recovered but in many, many ways, i still feel so un-recovered and vulnerable. that's a weird place to be in, and it makes it hard to talk about my past. maybe cause i'd force myself to come up with some conclusion to put to all of it, when there is none, and i cannot exactly make sense of any of it, nor myself. i think a lot of my present struggles have to do with wanting to live up to how lucky i was surviving that. maybe i should have held onto anorexia, because i'm not exactly happy now, either. maybe i should have died, when i was so close to it. i don't exactly see how me dramatically "surviving" something so deep was important when i look at my life today. doesn't help that i have ginormous expectations to be or become something special because i can always tell myself where i came from. i can always compare myself to the version of me that i was when i was still in school and felt like i didn't even exist on the same dimension of body types as my peers because underweight was all i was. maybe that's the challenge, too. you would think that life gets easier with recovery. for me, it's at least just as messy, if not more, and i hate that. i'm not really proud enough of myself to want to put myself out there and make myself a target for people's criticism, projections, and insecurities.

@Schizophoniai think that kind of "look i'm recovered now"-content can be problematic and triggering for both the creators and the audience, tbh.

@ryank940maybe if you wash your brown rice really well, soak it for an hour, then wash it again, this might help? brown rice takes a long time to cook, anyway, so the soaking would also reduce the cooking time.

i live in a 20m2 apartment rn. the floor is yellow. for the love of God, i cannot comprehend who could possibly think that that's a good idea. the thing is that, since i already have an undergraduate degree, i believe i'd feel a whole lot more self-efficacy if i could put it to good use and really contribute in a way that expresses my unique skills and abilities, if that makes sense? i'm 24 and i don't want to be working minimum wage jobs (nor live in ugly apartments) forever. i think my skills are worth something and i'd like opportunities to actually let people reap the benefits. i'd feel so much better about myself on a day to day basis if i could be of real service.

@Schizophonia thanks for your concern. i am stable for now. the tendency to eat very high volume, low-calorie food and rely on artificial sweeteners is a bit of a remnant of my ed, but since i see this kind of behaviour being promoted a lot among 'healthy' people (without ed history) on social media these days, i'm second guessing a little bit. in general, i haven't entirely figured out what way of eating is actually good for me. i try to accept that and just ask questions as they arise.

@Joseph Maynor i know i'd need roughly 2.000€ a month to pay the rent for a nice apartment and comfortably cover all other costs.

@PsychedelicEagle that's a very high fat yoghurt. don't you guys also have high protein greek yoghurt with less fat (in the US, i assume)? i've heard conflicting stories about collagen and how it might be useless because it's broken down during digestion anyway. but maybe that doesn't matter.

@Sugarcoat :)

@PsychedelicEagle are you vegan?

is it bad to generate a website using AI? it looks alright to me, but i do not have a clue about these things and maybe there are some caveats i wouldn't be aware of?

@Majedok:) trusting the process is unnerving, but i know you are right.

@CARDOZZO the thing is, i don't even know if freelancing is something that works well for the kind of personality i have. i think i'd do pretty well being employed, having a contract and everything. i do well with security and when an external frame is provided by somebody else. but i'd have to get a 2-year master's degree to get any sort of employment in the language/literature field, so even if i choose that, i'm not getting what i need NOW, which is stability and this feeling of being at home and knowing i can settle. i can't settle and stop feeling stressed if i know i have to constantly work toward the future. and even if i got that master's degree, i wouldn't know if i'd be happy working as a teacher/textbook author/whatever forever. so idk if the two years are worth it. and meanwhile, i'd still have to live with this stupid feeling i'm battling a lot atm, and i just don't know how to make it stop and how to feel okay again and like i'm on the right track.

i feel very stupid and alone. stuck with a ton of emotions that i don't know how to handle. i just don't understand this world or myself or how to make things okay. how to make any of it make sense. i don't know anything. why this is such a constant struggle. it's all so so so much. no matter what i do, it's futile. i don't know what to do. can someone please just tell me what to do, and i'll do it? i would call someone but there's no one i can call and be honest with, and then i notice just how alone i am every second of every day, no matter how horrifyingly crowded some of the places in the city centre are. doesn't matter that there's a neighbour who i hear stomping on the ground, day and night. whose toilet i can hear flush because whoever constructed this building is an idiot. i'm so, so, so alone.

@Majed i'm sorry, i didn't mean to be rude.

i know you mean well, but i don't think this is my problem. i have a lot of energy and, like i said, good work ethic. that's not the problem. the problem is i don't know how to adequately use my resources to actually make good things happen in my life. the problem is i don't know what to do. doing it is the easy part and not in the slightest a part of my struggle. i could work day and night if i knew it was right, if i knew what to work on.

@Majed i'm really trying but i can't.

@Majed it's so annoying being in my twenties. by the time i'll live in a beautiful apartment, work in the job i love and have some stability in my life, i'll have wrinkles and will have to start dyeing my hair. but i can't enjoy my youth or be present, either, because i constantly have to worry about the future, make decisions, figure out what to do and where to move. i hate it.