Judy2

i experienced more stress and, as a result, ed-symptoms today. i'm sick of this and need to get my life sorted enough to settle in some place soon and find some support to deal with these issuss. i don't like how they've been getting out of hand and i can tell the stress and everything is a bit too much for me to handle on my own, even though i'm trying very hard.

is it just me or does that sound not all too appetizing lol? you do you though;)

if it's just the plain legumes you want, you can also buy these in glass jars. Alnatura's good for that:) alternatively, you can cook larger batches of legumes and freeze them in portion sizes. with the canned soups etc. i think it's okay to have them every once in a while. i can't speak on potential contaminations from the cans, but as long as you focus on switching things up and eating lots of variety throughout the week, i assume you should be fine.

i thought i could shake it, but at this point i'm having doubts. i'm stressed. i'm worried. about my future and what should be next in terms of education/university/other formal training. this is important, it'll decide the trajectory of my life, it'll decide if 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, i'll be happy or not. i feel so tense, so uncomfortable; nauseous, almost. i can't fix this, can't solve this, i don't know what to do, how to make things okay. ugh.

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

On Stress and Relaxation i'm trying to put this into words, mostly for myself, so that i can remember this as i am trying to implement it. it makes me emotional to realise, and to let myself feel, that while i am constantly figuring things out - and this might never stop - at the same time, i'm still allowed to feel already whole, already at home. even though i don't know what's next, even though i don't know what i'm doing, or where i am going. i can see that a lot of the stress and pressure i tend to feel gets worse when the discomfort is combined with this message that whatever is prevents me from being (with myself), prevents me from feeling. so i'll remind myself now that no matter what, i am here, i'll be here, and i'll stay with me. maybe that helps. and apparently - this is helpful to remind myself of, too - i'll keep on hovering between states of relaxation, "being there", and "not being there yet" ....i can surf those waves, and know that both states, in all likelihood, will keep taking turns. it's probably the only way to embrace this for now. ugh.

you can try to surround yourself with more spiritual people, participate in mindfulness events and yoga or meditation retreats, etc. even if this merely expands your circle of friends, by meeting said friends' friends your odds of finding someone who's aligned with your values increases. worst case is if you don't find a partner, you still did the thing (e.g. meditation) that aligns with your values.

made my way to the gym again and i was happy while driving there and listening to a podcast. but then the noise was just waaaay too overstimulating and made it tough to enjoy my workout. different kinds of sounds got all muddled together: the music was too loud, people started conversing loudly near me, and my own headphones couldn't really cover it up. ... caused me a lot of discomfort, especially when i'm vulnerable dealing with my own physical sensations while exercising.

this is a little off topic, but i've had a few panic attacks inside my nighttime dreams. it's weird because the physical body isn't reacting as strongly, but somehow my mind still knew that i was having a panic attack. maybes that's a similar phenomenon? as in, a similar non-physical energetic layer is affected. there might also be some links to a person's predisposition to experiencing sleep paralysis or the onset of OBEs while in the lighter phases of sleep.

Saturday i finally made my way to the gym today. again, making my way there through the traffic - finding and being at the unknown location - was the harder part, so was the music, which was way too loud. but overall, i had a nice time. i wonder if it's okay to train twice on the weekend, and then have a 5-day work break. idk, guess i'll have to make it work for the next few weeks. looked at myself in the mirror after taking a shower and didn't like what i saw, i don't feel like i look like me... gotta make some changes. on my way back, i stopped at the central station because there's an Asian store and i bought some sweet potatoes - some varieties i'd never tried before, because at the supermarkets here they only sell the orange ones. now i roasted a yellow Japanese sweet potato in the oven and it was pretty good. better than the orange ones because it doesn't have that odd aftertaste. i had it with some cauliflower and avocado. before lunch, i experienced a lot of agitation again - could go into detail and describe that, but i think that's too much for now. (which is usually part of the agitation - the need to capture that state and explain it.) i've also been reflecting a lot on what's next - where i'll live, what i'll do for work - and as much as this is a stressful phase atm, i think i've got a rough idea by now? i'm trying to trust that it'll be alright.

okay, i can officially admit it and say now: i miss it. the town where i spent the first five years of my adulthood. it was pretty damn cute, after all. by now, the nostalgia has fully kicked in. ... the safety of my flat, the familiar streets, the whole set-up of the city, the green space,... my best friends, the whole vibe, the routines, the experience. the countless walks, even the isolation, the meltdowns, the comfort of my tiny room. my shower, my bed, my desk, my tiny kitchen... i also know i had to get away to feel this, because when i was there, it felt heavy and not right, most of the time -- sometimes it didn't, sometimes there was Hope, and Absolute Beauty --- - but now i can look back and say that it was, indeed, home. - aaaah, sad. okay. sad, and sweet, too. part of me thinks that the existence of this emotion should cause me to panic. the other part thinks it's only natural, the thing with the grass and the hill, the thing with needing to progress in life. it's just sad that things only ever look good retrospectively - never "now". i've got to work on that. guess i also feel regret for not having enjoyed it more, and i can't enjoy things now, because they're not right and still so messy and chaotic. they were back then, too. so, so much - and i STILL feel the sweetness of it now. so i might as well process the whole regret and take it with me moving forward, the wisdom that i can enjoy the good, despite the bad, despite the uncertainty, the mess, the chaos. it's rough, but i'm trying. what else can i do, really. still so much emotion. ugh.

took me a while to figure this out, but i have just realised that stress levels are especially hard to manage when they stay high even after the trigger (work, family, noise, etc.) has been removed. i recognise how certain situations put me under increased stress, so it's easy to tell myself that things will be better as soon as i get home and have some me-time, alone, on my own, without obligations. which is generally true, but then it's even more dysregulating when i find that i am finally on my own and still, i can't quite seem to cool down, can't switch gears. even when i am left alone, i'm not okay and i can't manage my own system (emotions, bodily sensations) that well.

Day 5 the first few hours of the workday were better again, and maybe i didn't do my boss justice by saying i don't like him.... but nope, still don't like him, at least not as a boss, because he sucks at communicating what he wants me to do. so naturally, at some point i started counting down the minutes again. at least i'm halfway done with this place now....i wonder if i can still fake it well enough, or if everybody has figured out by now that i'm not that happy with the work environment. for one, because it's hard to connect to my boss's vision for the exposition he's trying to set up. and also because i don't think it's important, meaningful, or serious enough. i don't even mind tedious work. i do mind work where it's not clear what i'm expected to do, and it looks like my boss doesn't check tasks for clarity before handing them to me....and also isn't really answering my follow-up questions that well. apparently, not meaningful enough isn't good either, because it feels dull and boring and pointless. it doesn't draw me in enough to commit to the job and try my absolute best. anyway, this afternoon i'll try my best to relax and do better than yesterday. read my book. then on the weekend, i'll finally be able to go to the gym.

... i did all the wrong things again to deal with my stress levels. would appreciate some therapeutic support at this point, but it's hard to find. a common argument is they reject me because i'm too sick, so i need more therapy, but that's how i miss out on even the smallest amount of therapy and end up having none.

....feeling agitated.

i continue worrying about career prospects, what education and job opportunities i'll have this year.... i'm trying to turn this uncertainty into something more positive though - curiosity, excitement, trust, faith? i know there are lots of opportunities out there....which is quite overwhelming....but in turn, it could also mean that one way or another, i'll find something that'll make me feel fulfilled. currently debating my odds of being accepted for education in nutrition/psychology .... i'll figure it out. it's okay and i can relax. it'll be okay, i'll find something.

Day 4 not so good again. i don't like my boss. he's not very specific about the tasks he wants me to do, isn't specific when i ask questions, either...then acts disappointed when something doesn't work the way he'd envisioned it. he sent me to a copy shop and gave unclear instructions about what he wanted printed and how. i walked through the cold, got there, dealt with unwelcoming shop owners for an hour, and knew i had to make some decisions without getting detailed feedback, but i also didn't want to return empty-handed....stressful. then i came back and my boss wasn't happy. i know in the past i would have made this failure about my self-worth....i don't take it seriously now, but i am upset with my boss and kind of think it's his fault he's not giving clearer instructions. that makes it really hard for me to do what he wants. so i don't necessarily feel bad about myself right now....just bad for myself, and a little frustrated and unhappy at work. whatev....i'll be gone by the end of next week, so i really don't care as long as i get a nice entry for my cv. and that's only fair if i spent 50 hours working for him for free, dealing with nasty shop owners and tediously drawing up excel sheets and everything.

Day 3 today was better. finally managed to sleep through, i'm starting to like the book that my mum gave me for Christmas, and the workday passed more quickly without as much fatigue or exhaustion. coke light helped. at the office, i did a lot of excel/word/power point type of work and inbetween that participated in a meeting, which was pretty chill for me and just interesting to watch. i've been thinking more about how a job can feel Zen, and that i generally associate this feeling of relaxation with a lack of seriousness, importance, urgency, or anxiety about a given task. the opposite of how i felt at university on most days. "life purpose" sounds quite dutiful and serious, though. so i don't know how to feel Zen, relaxed, and soft while also doing something meaningful in life - that's a bit of a contradiction i'm still trying to reconcile for myself. as soon as something becomes meaningful, it simultaneously becomes something to be anxious about - yet, to be fulfilled, i want both meaning and a sense of being light and safe and free....safe, most of all. like everything's sorted and the rest is just extra, playful, with no pressure. yet also meaningful....no idea where to find that combo, or how to manifest it; if this is to be found in the task, or the attitude with which i approach a task. ...or maybe this polarity is not even meant to be transcended, but to be embraced as a constant hovering between seriousness and playfulness...

you could also try miso paste

hard to tell what this was. generally speaking, i'd point out that a mystical experience isn't necessarily perceptual/visual. it's not about what happens inside your perceptual bubble, but how this bubble is made sense of/conceived of/how the Self relates to this bubble. your age doesn't matter.

what about meal prepping it in advance (and freezing it)?

Day 2 sleep was less than ideal again. so was work. energy's low as i don't feel comfortable eating at the office, and the way to work and back takes 1 hour in each direction... tasks at work were meh, too. lots of copy and paste, etc. felt quite exhausted and eager to get home. it's also raining. and my parents didn't warn me about this, maybe they didn't know either, but i'm having suspicions that my host may have a drinking problem - which isn't really affecting me, but it does leave a hint of discomfort, for sure. anyway, one more negative: i don't think i'll make it to the gym on weekdays because that'd also be a 45 min drive in each direction (that can't be combined with the way to work)....and i don't have the nerve for that after the workday. will catch up with my training on the weekend. not because i don't want to work out after work, i'd love to, but because travelling to an unknown gym in an unknown part of an unknown town by unknown means of transportation in unknown weather conditions would add 2 more unsafe hours to my already pretty damn unsafe day. now i'm just trying to feel safe, maybe read a book and watch some YouTube videos....staying in and doing all the stuff to feel safe and comfy, when the rest of the day is filled with danger and discomfort. something like that. ... i find it hard to ground myself right now. hence why i am writing all this - it's a lot going on for me, for sure, and i am having trouble switching modes to just being and relaxing... but i guess now's finally the much desired time for that? still hard to switch modes.

hey there:) i've discussed my sensitivity to noise in previous threads but couldn't really specify another kind of sensory (visual) trigger that i experience quite regularly. it's so weird to say, but basically when people wiggle their hands, fingers, or feet (e.g. to self-soothe), sometimes it disgusts me or creeps me out. when i drive a car and my dad starts twiddling his thumbs in the seat next to me, i have to ask him to stop cause it distracts me from the road. and just now i watched my mum do a jigsaw puzzle and looking at her moving hands for too long made me really uncomfortable. i feel stupid and weird for having all these sensitivities and would like to know why i process things this way - if it's related to ADD or a similar kind of neurodivergence.

Internship Day One at the Cultural Office i didn't have a good night's sleep as i lay awake for a few hours, but felt relatively good when i got up this morning. had enough time to get ready and then my parents' friend drove me into town by car. i got to the Cultural Office on foot, was introduced to everybody and shown around. got my own laptop and a password, but it took us quite some time to deal with technical difficulties. after that was fixed, i was given some documents to work on - copy and paste, re-size, look for grammar or vocabulary mistakes, try printing them and finding the right format. everybody's nice but the secretary told me it's a job where you have to sit a lot and i should think about whether that's for me. feeling somewhat uncomfortable and unsafe now. i tried to have lunch but couldn't because i couldn't find a place to be alone and i tried to feel into it but felt too uncomfortable to eat. i'll be staying until 2 pm and then i can drive back home - which is, at least, a lot safer than here. ...sat in the tram now and i'm feeling drained, overstimulated, socially depleted. had to smile and do small talk for way too many hours today. ... probably not my dream job or dream office, but i assume i'll make it through the next two weeks being present enough to enjoy some aspects of this nonetheless.