Judy2

i got my feedback for the presentation and i'm really happy about it lol maybe i'm evil for saying that now

in the past few days i've been feeling so deeply. i'm exhausted. i want to feel free and light and happy and beautiful? is there any chance that this is still possible for me?

i am having difficulty expressing my frustration with other people. it's so easy to express how much i hate myself. every minor mistake i make results in me thinking "i am such an evil individual, i am a bad person, i'm so evil". but when it comes to other people, i tend to do the opposite. i never, ever question their goodness and know that no matter what they do, they do it because of Love. in the past few years this has definitely spared me a lot of trouble and it usually doesn't prevent me from setting boundaries when it's necessary. but at the moment there's still an element of artificiality. ... maybe i could see the Love both in them and in myself. and maybe within that, i could express my frustration and anger, my disappointment and hurt feelings - even and especially when i am aligned with and aware of the Love that is present. i'm just really, really, really scared of this. cause it might make me look bad i guess. it might make me look less peaceful and likeable. it might be too active and engaging. it's just that these days i feel like - and this is a very limited perspective but it's still something that's there - people can practically walk all over me. not in a bad or harmful way most of the time, but ... idk. and it's really tough to say it when something isn't right. my guess is that some people would be kind of intimidated by my speaking up a bit more....hell, i would be intimidated. cause it's easy for them to like and admire me when they don't feel threatened by me. now what if i said things from a very loving, intentional place and still they'd take it the wrong way? then they'd say i'm not as peaceful and sweet and innocent as i used to be. Sorry if this is silly.

a friend's gonna call me in an hour or two and then maybe i can talk about all of it. it's just so exhausting. i don't want to have to feel all of this on my own. i'm tired. i'm so tired. why do i always have to be strong by myself? why can't anyone be there to hold space for me and let me be weak. i really, really, really need that right now. i really need someone else to be here and be strong for me, cause i'm tired of needing to look after myself just because there's no other way.

okay, i'll probably delete this later but....i have my presentation tomorrow and i have no idea how it will go. last week i had a smaller one for practice, i didn't finish and basically just started to cry at the end. my prof was really lovely and came to me after class, almost leaned in for a hug and told me not to be nervous. then today i got an email with the feedback and one of the points was "Don't say "Oh God!"" cause apparently that's what i say when i'm nervous lol. other than that i'm mostly doing fine. life is still challenging, but i do have these moments when i'm like....i'm actually glad to be alive. it's exciting. it's the natural way of Being. of course Life wants to be Alive, what else could it be? there's a lot more but it's hard to put it into words. my system is starting to relax though. sometimes my perspective on "self" and "reality" has this inquisitive, mystical touch to it. so there's no clarity yet, just a little "oh yeah, i remember" here and there.

the other day i was on a bus and there was this very insignificant but precious moment. so i was already seated, then this one guy came in and he sat a few rows at the back. we were facing each other, so we both had to make an effort to avoid some awkward staring and look out of the windows instead. then a few stops later someone else came in and they had a dog, and now the guy that was facing me started smiling and he kept smiling for at least two minutes, maybe longer.... that smile was so pure and precious, you could see the little boy in him.

i kind of wanna say "i love God"....idk, it's a weird thing to say, but this arose as a spontaneous expression. it doesn't refer to any concepts or ideas, not even a particular feeling. perhaps something more subtle, an intuition out of thin air, a secret reminder. God is so Divine, so real, and it's Here, and it's somehow within Me, I am within It. there are moments when i recognise: Consciousness is MASSIVE. like.... wooooow, Existence in Perfect Unity, and it's just so WoW! Explosive but static, there's this Hyper-Acceleration to Infinity and at the same time Perfect Stillness. i'm trying to put it into words or grasp it, cause it's just too Divine. there's this thing about Awakening that makes it so utterly Perfect, and i can't even say what it is. this Inclusivity that still manages to expand and grow beyond itself, but already is itself... this Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow, it's me, it's for Me, it's Love!!! too good to be true, but it has to be true, it's inevitable. God!

i see a lot of "small thinking" externally. it makes me feel deeply hurt, mostly because people are externally reinforcing my negative beliefs as "real". it creates the illusion of "truth". ...and now i'm either factually not good enough and that's why i feel so hurt, or it hurts so badly because all of this is in fact untrue and my soul is being strangled by all these silly ideas. maybe i should feel guilty now for even taking the latter into consideration. maybe i'm evil for entertaining the possibility that the Universe might be a little more complex - and that Love might be a lot more simple - than we give it credit for. we're all so fearful.

in the past few days i've been thinking...i could feel so excited about Life, get this dreamy vibe and "inloveness" ALL THE TIME. things could be so good...but there always seems to be something that's not quite right, and it ruins everything.

"Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. And that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are part of the mystery that we are trying to solve." ~ Max Planck

so the new thing is now i'm sobbing all the time. not just crying, but hard, heavy sobbing. doesn't feel nice at all cause there is a lot of despair that's being felt, but afterwards i tend to feel a little calmer.

i feel like i am slowly dissolving. and it doesn't feel right when it's happening with me alone and in silence, with no one to see it or hold me as i am going through these weird shifts and releases i hate it when i'm being strong and courageous, i didn't choose this all i ever wanted is to be weak and taken care of now i am weak and i am vulnerable, in a true and genuine way for once. everything is falling apart, i am falling apart....and i just wish someone could hold me while i'm feeling all the things that i feel.

it hurts. clarity comes and goes, and when it's gone again i can feel so incredibly inferior. i'm so ugly, i'm not good enough.

Wisdom tells me i am Nothing. Love tells me i am Everything. Between the two my Life flows. ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

"beyonding."

"laisse-moi tomber afin que je puisse réaliser que j'étais toujours capable de voler"

every "moment" is so new and fresh and crystal clear

"A woman especially, if she has the misfortune of knowing any thing, should conceal it as well as she can." Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

sometimes i can see something sweet and good and beautiful in myself i'm scared though and have a hard time allowing for this perspective to solidify i KNOW that i'm not good enough, that i'm not perfect - and i guess i want people to know that i know this. at least i'm not deluded about being pretty or smart or more likeable than i actually am then. at least no one can say i am arrogant or too confident about the wrong things.