Judy2

on friday i was having a major meltdown over course registration and how to manage my final semester(s) and thesis...but now it looks like things might actually work out quite neatly. good! for my missing credits i can choose some fun, easy classes. like Spanish A1 or sign language. i'd be really excited to learn sign language, so fingers crossed that i'll be accepted for this class:) by the way, last night i figured that it would probably be helpful to start a gratitude practice again. just wanted to note this down, although i don't plan on sharing my lists in this journal (too much spam, i suppose).

i'm gonna ask for another extension for one of my paper deadlines. there's a part of me that feels like this is "cheating", and i feel quite guilty for it. like, maybe i'm just being lazy and that's why i get myself some doctor's note to have more time than everybody else. i know that's not the case at all and if anything, given my circumstances it is completely right and understandable that i may need more time. extensions are good when you have your reasons, i certainly have mine, and i am transparent about them. but it still feels a bit off to me.

...and it's strange to talk/write about myself in those terms. i don't plan on doing that permanently lol. it's just that sometimes i do have to spell things out for myself. cause it's almost shocking when i see it again, and it's not at all obvious to me most of the time.

i thought about it and perhaps The major point i have to keep reminding myself of is.... i don't want to waste my potential. i want to realise it. i don't want to waste my beauty. i want to appreciate and nurture it. because i am beautiful, i am good and i am loving. i am powerful - so much so that it scares me. and i am valuable - though i like to deny this. it's incredible how difficult it can be to see my beauty - and how easy it is to forget that it's there.

i feel anxious now because i'm overthinking a lot. there are more things to be added to the above, but for now it's enough. a few days ago i was told that despite the selfish nature of my "insisting on my pain", it might be okay to do it. maybe it's okay and i deserve to take my time and grieve a little. ... i'm not making any sense here, so i'm really sorry for that. it's really counterintuitive, but this does trigger a strong emotional reaction. so i guess there must be some truth to it. i'm allowed to be so selfish as to insist on my pain for now. i'm allowed to feel hurt. i could just suck it all up and maybe that would be the selfless, loving way to do this. but maybe right now i still feel like i need to keep showing the world how badly i got hurt, and so i will. there's something comforting in this.

i feel inferior. i feel like i am not nearly as good as everybody else. i feel like i am not good enough. ...and i KNOW that i could just stop insisting on this perspective. i could just say "screw it, i'm gonna love it all". i could do that. and pretty quickly, this would brighten up my general life circumstances. but i don't do it. or i do it for a minute or an hour, until i come up with another excuse and keep on hating myself. cause it's safer. if something's wrong - or not quite "ideal" for that matter- , i'd better be aware of it. i don't want to be unaware of my inferiority and pretend like i am better than i am. i don't want to be happy when things aren't right. and so i keep hating myself. i keep suffering for the very basic reason that i want to suffer. and then i complain about it. but seeing this doesn't resolve the conflict. so i keep wondering....do i still lack deeper, broader awareness of this whole dynamic? or do i simply lack the courage to Love when i know it is the only way?

i've had a very productive day so far - for once. but for some reason i'm feeling a little unsteady. or sentimental, i guess. sometimes i just don't know what to think or what to believe. and so i'm lost and scared. which is fine.

now i'm very emotional and a little upset or something. cause i feel like no one understands how MASSIVE it is to give up yourself and have the courage to stick around when it would be so much easier to leave. it's so massive that i have no words for it. but from the outside it's this unspectacular little thing where "it can't have been that bad if you survived and you're healthy now", and no one cares about the intensity of the whole experience. sorry if i upset anyone now and make it sound like i demand external acknowledgement or whatever. that's not what this is. i'm just personally at a loss when i think of how huge all of this is. and i'm at a loss when i don't know how to communicate it or make it seen, make it count.

this afternoon i called my mum because i was told that it would be helpful to inquire a little into her pregnancy with me, my birth story and early childhood years. it was helpful and also healing in many ways - to hear about her emotions and how much she cared about me. how she was trying to stand up for me when dad didn't really care to. it made me cry, in a good way. but then she started talking about my experience from age 13-17 (should have been 18 anyway) as if i'm doing completely fine now. and that hurts. while i try to keep a lot of things from her because i don't want her to worry about me...it hurts that she fails to see that i'm not fine, that i'm actually still struggling a lot. and it hurts to see that, although she should know better by now, apparently she'd take my situation a whole lot more seriously if i was still underweight. ouch.

https://youtu.be/xqy7Gqgu1BU

i've been doing a little better in the past few days, but i still get stuck in endless loops where i come up with all these reasons why i'm a bad person. i'm so cringe, i'm so ugly, i'm so bad i'm so incompetent, i'm so childish and this is so uncomfortable. ...trying to let it go though.

@Something Funny that's great, i'm happy for you:) and thank you for your suggestion. i'll keep this option in mind.

@Something Funny i've done lsd, maybe 15 times or so. at the moment i'm hesitant about tripping though cause i'm scared that my anxiety is gonna be too intense. my sensitivity is very high so even a microdose can feel like a full trip.

i love these moments when Life feels like a novel to me

maybe i'm too broken now to allow people to love me. that now maybe when someone's there, i simply cannot take it. in some twisted, toxic way ...it feels even better to know that someone would be there to love me, but i won't let them. when before, no one was there and i thought i needed and wanted it so badly.

i am this silly little paradox that i just can't seem to resolve.

@Something Funny that's nice of you. yes, i will make it somehow. i'm just a little exhausted at this point.

why did i survive an eating disorder just to go through all the things i'm going through now? i'm in a state of crisis and don't know what to do or what will happen next

i went for a short run this morning and was feeling kind of okay. even sat down to study a little, but maybe i can't take it. i don't know if i can, i'm really trying, but maybe i can't i'm just scared that it's only gonna get worse if i slow down, it's gonna take even longer to get my degree and i'll be stuck for even longer in this town i don't know what to do i feel like i have to hold myself together to prevent it all from getting worse i never slow down. i don't do slow. i'm so overwhelmed with the situation and don't know how to deal with it

today has been really intense. like, really, really, really intense. i do feel like writing helps though. not the mindless 15 pages at a time kind of writing, but the more deliberate approach i can take. sorry if it's bad quality, but it helps. even if i write some really depressing stuff....i feel like it can transform the pain into art. i can read the words out loud and after a while i am more detached, i'm telling someone else's story...i guess?

@Something Funny thanks, i'll try:)