Judy2

"but it would be so much humbler and more virtuous (and safer) to keep hating myself." but it doesn't lead anywhere. working against myself doesn't lead anywhere. i'm already here, with all of my emotions and all the rest. i can't undo that. so instead of working against all that, really, what choice do i have but to work with that? to integrate, rather than to disintegrate...and so on.

...these past few weeks, every now and then i have found myself wondering if you guys think i am being too self-centred, especially in my two new journals. i notice that a lot of my gratitudes are about "myself" - and that's not supposed to seem narcissistic or anything, like i'm using this to now show off an inflated sense of self. [i guess i'm really scared i'll seem narcissistic and arrogant if i stop hating myself and being mean to myself?] i was self-centred before, too, when i was actively engaged in staying miserable (had to be cause i was scared for my Life), and i'm self-centred now, trying really hard to improve my self-image and change the internal programming i have about myself and the world. i hope this doesn't come across as too narcissistic and i'm sure there'll be times when i'll be ready to be more outwardly focussed. the positivity i am trying to practice in regards to my self-image is not supposed to be an unhealthy narcissism...it's supposed to practise and improve my ability to notice things about myself and my life that i dislike, and to allow them to co-exist with other things that i find beautiful, positive, inspiring. to allow this colourful mix to exist...and that takes a lot of work right now, because i'm usually very attached to a sort of idealism - my (ego) mind's version of Existential Purity and Perfection. perhaps once i got used to this practice, i'll be able to be more outgoing as well...or maybe i already am (at least in daily interactions), it's just that my journal entries are still really self-centred, because that's the locus of the hard inner work i am doing atm. but really, this practice doesn't just apply to myself, it also applies to how i see others...that i can appreciate their beauty, without feeling too threatened by it because i feel inferior...and to be more accepting of other people's apparent weaknesses, because i know real life is messy and complicated and challenging, so i empathise with them and their flaws.

[i am scared; i have doubts] i would like to See that it is possible for me to be and stay Lean in a way that feels Healthy, Balanced, Sustainable, Stable, Joyful, Pleasurable... i want that to be possible for me. i want to feel beautiful and be fit, from a place of self-love [rather than suppression, self-hatred, needing to restrict or force myself to do things] i want this to come natural to me, to feel joyful, and effortless. not to say i am not willing to do things for this (exercise, gym, general activity, healthy nutrition), but i don't want it to feel as though i am working against my body or being mean to myself. i want it to feel as though i am working for and with my body. i want to be beautiful and lean and fit in a way that is healthy for my body, soul, and mind that feels sustainable and that leaves me feeling good in the long term. !

from the Mind's perspective, Life is an interplay of duality and non-duality. that's what makes Life interesting - moving liminally between these lines and experiencing shifts in perspective.

i went for a walk yesterday because i knew that it would be an act of self-care i like my hair and the length it is at right now i slept well i am trying to have a good day and make positive things happen randomly polished my nails for the first time in a while and now i'm happy every time i look at my hands:) the nails are nice and shiny, with a subtle hint of glitter:) suppose this will make working on my thesis more enjoyable in the weeks to come. sounds a bit stupid, but typing with polished nails is more fun; it gives the brain something aesthetic to focus on while working. went to the gym...i like that my legs and arms are leaner (not in the sense of emaciated, non-substantial or non-existent, but toned, defined, well-proportioned) than they ever have been. like a healthy type of thin that i thought i could never be....so it's cool to see that i can be that.

so i think it's a matter of setting manageable goals and moving towards what you want. in small ways. even those small achievements will make you feel better, and you can start from there. the important part is to start somewhere.

@Never_give_up Never give up. who told you you can't get what you want? for example the thing you said about university....i think it takes some flexibility to fulfill the underlying desire there. it can be fulfilled in a billion different ways....self-study, reading more books, God knows what else. i'd like to encourage you to be a bit creative and flexible, see ways in which the fulfilment of your desire for education/knowledge is accessible to you RIGHT NOW. and then do some of that:) about food: you can pick one small change and commit to doing that TODAY. just one small change. for example: going for a walk and increasing your step count by 2,000, adding in a vegetable or a high-quality protein source, or getting educated about healthy nutrition and recovery from emotional eating (wouldn't that be neat to combine this desire with your desire for education???). it won't take 4 years. just commit to one small, manageable goal this week, and then to another next week, and so on. ...just a gentle suggestion:) desires don't exist to destroy your life and you are not meant to ignore them.

....okay, i'm feeling low. i'll just accept that now. don't have to fight it, it will pass. just be nice to myself throughout. it's okay to feel low.

well, i feel flattered:)

...not feeling great today. feeling rather pessimistic because everything is so delicate to handle. seems impossible because there are so many potential triggers and pitfalls everywhere. it's like a mine field...i'm scared that i won't manage to achieve equilibrium because life is so stormy and chaotic, not simple at all because with everything, there are a billion, no, there are infinite factors to consider. so of course that scares me...how am i supposed to handle myself and my life well, if i'm putting it up with infinity? but then, some people do seem to manage, and apparently harmony with yourself and the universe is achievable, despite the fact that we're putting it up with infinity.... so maybe the antagonism is the problem, more so than the billions and billions of variables involved within this...idk, just thinking this through as i am writing. i am hoping to achieve some sort of balance, groundedness, equilibrium in life. i'm scared that i can't, that i'm too broken, too monstrous, too messed up....but i'll keep trying, i suppose. it must be possible, somehow. to live a spiritual life. and really, what choice do i have, but to keep trying? certainly not to despair, i know that that has never led anywhere good. ....thinking this through is making me think of this quote again: "lightly, child, lightly. learn to do everything lightly. yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.... there are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear, and self-pity, and despair. that's why you must walk so lightly. lightly, my darling, on tip toes, and no luggage, not even a sponge bag...completely unencumbered."

i know enough about nutrition to construct balanced meals in theory, but i genuinely don't know if that is 'right'. if i should be doing low fat, low carb, God knows what. i genuinely don't know....and back we are with: how the hell am i supposed to know what's good for me? i want to look lean and beautiful, i want to be fit and feel healthy, i want to feel comfortable in my body, i want to feel beautiful, i want my relationship with food to be good and effortless. i don't want to feel as though i am having to restrict, suppress hunger cues, or be mean to myself. i want my relationship with food and with my body to feel positive and effortless. ...how the hell am i supposed to make that happen? if i knew that carbs were bad for me, i wouldn't struggle replacing them with other things. same goes for fats. point is, i don't know. and there is so much conflicting information out there.

i suppose i could try and gradually introduce new foods that i am scared of. it doesn't have to happen all in one day. so over time, i could reduce the amount of artificial sweeteners that i consume and introduce new sources of carbohydrates and healthy fats. just like i planned on doing with the avocado. i'm not happy with the bloating situation, so to keep on going as i have doesn't seem like an exciting prospect. but i'm also really scared that things like nuts will make me gain lots of weight because they're too easy to overeat on. in fact, i'm primarily concerned that if i buy, let's say a jar of nut butter or even whole cashews, or some dates, i'll want to eat them all in one go, freak out, do exactly that to get rid of them, (end up bloated, too), read that backwards as i can't handle these foods well anyway, commit to never buying them again, thereby strengthening that whole cycle. i don't know if i can buy these foods and then portion them out for each day and feel satisfied doing that. i'm very scared and sceptical of that. actually, i think it would sort of make me really aggressive to be around a jar of nut butter and know that it'll stay on my shelf for two weeks and i'll have a table spoon or two every day. that seems really triggering - cause it's forbidden enough for me to not be allowed to have more, but then i'd want to avoid it altogether, and having 20g a day seems completely irritating and irrational in that case...

i slept well and had some dreams i really like the flowy red dress i am wearing today i am tidying up and cleaning my apartment. doing my laundry, getting fresh sheets. i know this is going to make me feel a lot better i am grateful that i am trying to be nice to myself despite feeling low i am grateful for Lana del Ray's and Tove Lo's music

@soos_mite_ah Hey:) thank you for reaching out again and for empathising with my situation. i'm trying to have faith, too. it's just scary sometimes, but i'll figure it out somehow.

had a pretty decent day, until something went wrong at dinner (protein, fibre) and now i look like i'm about to pop out a baby next week. this is distressing and i'm feeling a bit hopeless and helpless again. will i ever resolve this? everyone talks about how great volume eating is, until you become dependent on it and basically can't go a day without being severely bloated. i'm afraid and i don't know how i can fix this. i would like to fix it since it's severely impacting my quality of life. my nutritionist is on holiday and i won't get to talk to her again until mid-september. it didn't seem like she understood how real the struggle is anyway. she just told me all the stuff i know already, which i'm too afraid or too distrustful to do. i don't believe that fats or carbs will fill me up in a way that could avoid the bloating. ... she doesn't even grasp that someone can be struggling with food despite having quite a lot of knowledge about nutrition...and i had hoped she could have grasped this and given advice that wasn't what i already know.. like more practical advice about how to actually make these changes safely without feeling like i am spiralling out of control. i'm gonna try some avocado in the days to come as that still seems tolerable in terms of calorie density, but i genuinely don't know how i could keep nuts or nut butter in the house and handle that well.

[doing a tiny bit better today?] i went to the gym i ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes because it felt good i wore my pale purple sports bra and shorts my tummy was a tiny bit flatter and less bloated than usual i made some progress with my weights i am starting to feel a bit hopeful that i can figure this whole "good body image" and "healthy relationship with food" situation out for myself i am starting to have more structure to my meals i am starting to be more aware of hunger/fullness/satiety cues. they are starting to normalise, which is a relief and quite reassuring. i am starting to get more of an idea of which foods are good for me. for example, i was intentionally more aware and present while eating cherry tomatoes and noticed that they look quite beautiful, and they taste nice and refreshing. i am trying to approach food now with an attitude of gratitude and appreciation - makes no sense to feel ashamed or guilty for eating, considering that i have to do it anyway, so i might as well see the beauty in that, be aware while doing it, and in tune with what's good for me regarding nutrition and meal structure. i am trying really hard to be hopeful that life can be good for me now i smile at people and sometimes (often) they smile back at me

i started feeling a bit better i took a nice shower this evening i received positive feedback from my professor i booked a train to go home again next week - hoping to have a good time then, to have a good lived experience overall i am trying to be in tune with myself, my emotions, and my bodily sensations (which is weird and it's weird to be Me and to be Here, and to be Alive, and to be a Part of Existence,...but whatever) i am feeling hopeful in some moments: making plans, setting goals for myself, considering how it might be alright after all. at the same time, i am trying to remind myself to relax and enjoy the process, too (because there is no future; this is it).

@Carl-Richard thank you for sharing 🙏 yes, i've noticed that, too. that's why i like doing my embroidery work. it sort of combines this very meditative, repetitive, yet light manual labour with the side-effect that you get to see something beautiful unfold right in front of you. it's very calming on the nerves.

when that one guy starts singing, it literally feels as though knives are slicing through my body. the anxiety sky-rockets, i grab all of my stuff and RUN down the hallway to get AWAY from this. it's not fair that i can't feel safe in my own apartment. i don't like this, i'm not happy with this. it shouldn't be this way.

i feel anxious and uncomfortable because my neighbours are SO LOUD, i can constantly hear them in the hallway. i don't know how to cope with that. it's not feasible for me to spend all of my waking hours at the library...this is exhausting, i do not know how to resolve this situation. i feel super uncomfortable and vulnerable. all the noise is cutting right through me, all day long. it HURTS. it literally hurts.

[feeling a bit low today] • i like that my thigh muscles show the work i've put into them at the gym • i like that i pushed through this morning and worked on my thesis despite feeling low • i am proud of myself for sticking with the deadline that my counsellor set for me and that i sent the email to my professor this morning • i acknowledge and respect the fact that i am still trying to pick myself up and keep on going • i acknowledge and respect my endurance to keep going even though things aren't as easy as i'd like them to be • i am grateful that i slept well and woke up feeling well-rested and re-energised this morning • i am grateful that i am going to the library now • i am grateful for the fresh air outside • i am grateful that i have an abundance of beautiful clothes to wear that keep me warm and comfortable

[i feel bad, everything is difficult.] my bag with the flowers on it is pretty my folder with the bicycle and the flowers on it is pretty my dad was being supportive when i told him about a struggle this evening i went to the gym today i cycled at the gym today i wore my anthracite set at the gym today i ate pineapple, which is supposed to be good for digestion i liked my hair today i am trying to be good to myself and resist the pressure to self-harm this morning i heard the wind in the trees and i saw the green trees and that felt nice the sky is pretty

my neighbour has made me feel uncomfortable and i am feeling pressure to cut myself. trying not to.

@Chaddersnoted:) thank you!

i'm still confused about the approach i should take in terms of my diet now. going to the shops is still really stressful because i genuinely don't know what's right...it's still really scary and overwhelming, to look at all the food and having to decide what to buy. yesterday, i had an appointment with a nutritionist and she told me to eat more healthy fats - not sure if i'm gonna. i'm not sure if the right thing to do now is to eat until satisfied on my old safe foods and be mega-bloated every day because of all the fibre and protein. focus on whole foods, getting rid of all the artificial sweeteners and diet products, introducing whole grains and healthy fats - but i think it would be too easy to overeat on those and then i'll be bloated AND gain weight. just eat what looks nice at the shops and also have some processed foods - but i literally wouldn't know where to draw the line, and i wouldn't know which processed food would be 'worth it', if i'm having to be selective about those. not sure if i permanently confused my body with all the volume-eating (the shirataki noodles and artificial sweeteners and the kilos of veg), and now i'll never feel satiated on healthy foods unless i completely stuff myself. - not sure how to deal with that, and i feel a bit helpless.