Judy2

got it:)

yes that makes sense. thank you, Leo. for everything:)

@UnbornTao but i thought the idea is also that many of my current values are potentially inauthentic or toxic? like safety, comfort, and wanting to be liked/approved of? and if my child was on the line, for example, i'd gladly give up my personal safety and comfort....so do i have to think through all sorts of moral dilemmas to rank the values and get clear on my priorities? but i guess it can't hurt to think about this: there are probably still many authentic values that are already a part of my life, i just need to be more conscious when i spend time on them/when they "move" me. 😇 thank you

would you like to go?

@Hojo ok:)

and with truth/consciousness/love/... it's really hard to say if these should be grouped as one value or as individual values, and if i should pick just one of them or several.

yeah, i like that:) but then i don't get why so many people interpret others' interpretations of someone else's interpretation, and what their point is in doing that.

it gets a bit wacky in Lacan's reading because there it goes that women are the phallus and men have the phallus, because women serve as the "dialectical confirmation of [masculinity]". which i guess is true, but then Butler criticises how this view still originates in a matrix based on masculine desire alone and dismisses the idea of a preexisting feminine structure. which is as much as i can parrot from my university lectures; it's not like i understand the implications or if there'd be any alternative.

can you write this on a sticky note/regular note, tape it on your fridge, and look at it every morning? maybe have an additional note pad at hand and every time you get an insight as to how the pursuit of the above could look like, you write it down and try to follow up on it? might make a huge difference to simply get started moving toward what it is you want. also, what stands out is the word "should". maybe inquire into where these shoulds come from and how they contrast with what it is that you WANT? saying this as someone who has a rough time knowing this myself...but i think by now i understand the value of asking this question in the first place, even if it still takes time to figure out the details.

have you read Lacan and Rivière? this reminds me of their reading of Freud. maybe i'm simply too dumb to understand any of them though

internship at a school for children with special educational needs - insights and conclusion this week was quite insightful. the teachers are a lot stricter than i thought they'd be, but apparently this is necessary to set a certain frame that enables relaxed and educative interactions in the first place. i noticed vast differences between the different age groups in how they handle their respective mental conditions. the first graders are a lot more erratic than the older ones. at this school, it's 85-90% training in life skills and relationship/social skills, and 5-10% teaching....with some variation. i suppose that many children can improve, be helped, and grow up to be functioning adults. many won't improve and will grow up to be adults with huge financial, social, and mental problems. some of them will grow up to have personality disorders or other ongoing issues, i estimate. it's still a valuable job, though, and it's reassuring to know that in my country, at least some kids with special needs are receiving specialised support and are taken good care of. their environments at home and at this school are probably still traumatising (because inappropriate/insufficient) in many cases, but lots of people are making quite an effort to help them deal with their unique challenges. the teachers at this school are also doing a lot besides teaching individual subjects like math, reading and writing. they are educators, practically behavioural therapists. they visit other "normal" schools to observe children, write reports, have diagnostic interviews with them, talk to parents several times a term to figure out individualised support plans, and are in touch with other governmental bodies and social services in some instances. quite interesting, and i do see the value in this field of work. if i had to work this job, i'd come to terms with it and know i'd be doing good in the world. that being said, at this point i don't feel that it's a perfect match to unite my strengths, passions, and abilities, or that it would bring about optimal fulfilment. and you probably have to be very psyched about this job in order to prevent getting burnt out.

@Never_give_up have you ever considered doing a therapy specifically for people with autism? a helpful skill that comes to mind is learning how to balance your need for independence/autonomy and your need for connection and support. everybody has both needs, but some people may have more of one than the other, so it's helpful to get to know yourself and where you fall on this spectrum. perhaps a first step would be to simply recognise if what you experience in a given situation is a need for connection and support or autonomy and independence. it would be a mistake to get rid of all support systems altogether. instead, you may want to notice what situations have you needing support more than others, recognise the patterns, and be realistic about what you can and cannot (and want to/don't want to) accomplish on your own. slowly taking more responsibility by taking small steps is also a good idea. no need to overwhelm yourself; just do one new thing at a time. you could also look up tutorials/start attending courses that teach basic life skills like cooking.

internship at my mum's school* - day 5 stressful morning due to some triggering interactions with my mum (at home and also on our way to school). when we arrived, the principal informed us that a former students' grandfather (his primary caregiver) had been found dead, potentially murdered. noting this down because it illustrates the element of gang violence/criminality/abusive environments that many of the students at this school are exposed to....so no wonder they're "being difficult". spent the day with the second graders, then the first graders. the last two lessons were quite exhausting as the kids were screaming a lot. the autistic first grader was still very cute though, and i wish i knew more about autism. after school, mum dropped me off in town to run an errand. later, i came home sobbing. my emotional instability skyrockets when i'm stressed, around family, or not eating well. unfortunately these are usually all related, so things get exponentially worse under such circumstances. i feel sorry for mum that she has to witness these abnormalities at times. trying to relax now, as this seems to be very much needed.

@UnbornTao thank you for elaborating:)

internship at my mum's school* - day 4 slightly better mood and less tired this morning. i spent the day with the sixth and seventh graders and their teacher Kim, the youngest teacher at the school. Kim took some time to explain to me the individual students' backgrounds (two with autism, some with adhd, several who are depressed/don't attend/only attend for 2 hours a day). we started off with just two out of seven students and a math exam....so i mostly just sat and waited. then we read through a recipe and went downstairs to the kitchen to cook a potato soup. quick intermission for a break in the yard, where my mum's class sold the cake we'd baked yesterday. back in the kitchen, we continued cooking and had to clean up, which was okay but some students were making a fuss. back upstairs again, we played some games. one of the few girls at this school arrived late (she always does), but instead of making her write the math exam, Kim just let her join us with the games...apparently, it's a success with this student if she attends at all, and i can see how a math exam would have been counterproductive. my mum had a meeting at 12, so i could leave early. a little scary cause it's been a while since i drove a car on my own, but i managed and made my way home. wasn't so bad because now i had the time and space to rest, relax, and have a proper lunch at a reasonable time for the first time this week. mum came back home, we rested a bit more, and then we went shopping, which was quite nice:) better day than yesterday, overall.

could you give a few examples of aspects you find culty about her? i'm asking because i haven't looked much into her background/community and mostly just follow her on YouTube.

internship at my mum's school* - day 3 tired. long day. food was still difficult. didn't eat that much to power me through, so i had to have a larger meal quite late for my standards. first two hours: math and German with the fourth graders. third and fourth with my mum's grade again. nothing new/spectacular tbh. participated in a four person lecture with the principal, which was interesting as he touched on the process that the German government goes through to help support children with special needs. spending time at this school has made me regain some faith in the German state tbh...that it's looking after those in need, after all. at least in some cases.

idk about the alien story but the one i remember is that she's an oracle with extrasensory/psychic abilties or sth like that. i think it's fair to say that her teachings on relationships and mental health can be valuable regardless, and personally i'm not sure if i should believe these rumours about the SRA being made up or not....would be interested to hear more about it though, in case someone wants to share a link lol:)

lucky you thanks:)

oh wow, okay... i didn t know that i have heard recently that this is a pretty common accusation with satanic ritual abuse though?

yes i agree:) i definitely appreciate the element of universal empathy that her teachings convey. the idea that no matter how erratic the behaviour, there's some purpose or at least some good intention at its core.

i'd be really curious to hear your take on this @Ramasta9(:

what do you think she's lying about?

i think Teal Swan offers solid psychological advice on diverse topics, so she's potentially helping a lot of people. however, the thing that feels off is her self-stylisation as some kind of oracle with special powers who's so much better than everyone else.

internship at my mum's school* - day 2 i didn't sleep well at night, so i lost a few hours of sleep. in the morning, mum and i drove to school chatting about the job, the kids, and the colleagues. this morning the anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday; i felt more relaxed. i spent the first two hours with the first graders because i thought my mum's second and third graders were too normal and well-behaved. now i do indeed get the whole difficulty, because with the first graders it's 90-95% behavioural control and 5-10% teaching. six boys. there was an autist next to the window with a social worker all to himself. he had a meltdown because something was wrong with the way his food was packed, so he had to cry a lot. i felt really sorry and almost cried with him cause i could only imagine what his world must be like, his way of perceiving things...then there was a boy with adhd who'd come in his pyjamas and was walking around barefoot, climbing over the tables, running around, constantly seeking new stimulation, throwing his shoes through the classroom, and on and on. the teacher was basically just trying to calm everyone down for the first thirty minutes, then we did some math and then some German. i tutored the adhd kid, sat next to him and urged him to go through each exercise. later when we learned the letter a, he drew it on my back a few times, which was really cute. but all throughout this, he was constantly seeking distractions, opening closets, getting some new building blocks to play with, flipping through books, and on and on. by the end of the lesson, he said something really sweet about wanting to spend breaktime with me:) short break in the yard sitting in class with the fifth graders. they're four boys and three girls. i have already met one of the girls yesterday and now she said to the others that she thinks i'm really nice. the three girls here are probably the only girls at this school. i mostly just watched the lesson. compared to the first graders, they're a lot more civilised, so it always seems a bit disproportionate how strict the teachers are, but knowing where the kids are coming from, it's probably still necessary to react harshly to every erratic behaviour or sign of disobedience. mostly boring to watch though, until we did arts and crafts, which was a bit more exciting again. lunch break afternoon class. i played chess and another game with one of my mum's pupils, then we were outside in the yard until it was time to go. i think i'm already able to conclude that this isn't my dream job (not because i think it's bad, meaningless, too boring, too easy, or anything like that...i think the teachers here are doing a tough and important job...but it's probably not what features my strengths best or what would bring about optimal fulfilment for me personally).... but the insights are still quite valuable. food is still difficult, so i'm having a quick call to check in with my dietitian this evening. (sorry for not putting any more effort into making nice cohesive sentences. i'm quite burnt out after the long day and don't have that much energy left to be perfectionistic about this text.)