Judy2

so in a previous post a few days ago i already mentioned that i was on a retreat this weekend. there were a few nice moments that i was able to appreciate, but all in all i'm quite glad to be back home and feel safe again. it was simply too much, too intense. i'm not entirely sure how to go about this, but i'd like to share or point to the perspective that i was dealing with throughout the past few days. ...................................................................... i'm actually very much anti-hippie, anti-connection, anti-intimacy i admire the idea of it, but then i wouldn't be able to face it i don't wanna be vulnerable i don't wanna be open (i don't wanna die) i don't wanna be loved! i don't want anyone to tell me that i'm worthy or good enough i don't want to believe that i'm enough or deserving i don't want to feel i don't want the love and the cuddles and the i love yous i don't want all these nice, loving people talking to me i don't wanna be a part of this i'm not beautiful enough for it anyway and i'm definitely not beautiful enough to be beautiful i don't wanna heal, i don't wanna be moved here it'd hurt too bad ...................................................................... I DON'T WANNA BE A PART OF THIS, EXISTENTIALLY! i don't want all the good beautiful things cause i'm too evil and horrible i am Unlovable and Undeserving, and that is actually safe and good for now. ...................................................................... ...................................................................... i'm aware how passive aggressive this sounds and then i feel kind of guilty for being the evil kid again that resists recovery. but tbh it feels good to admit to this. it feels good to admit that i'm not entirely ready. Love is too deadly and unsafe for me at this point. and there's no pressure to stop resisting. it's okay that for now i am still very much attached to the "i wish i could starve myself to death and energetically withdraw from reality" kind of psychology. i don't want to let it go - for now it's still the most loving and beautiful perspective in my eyes, for me personally. it feels kind of noble and cute, though we all know there's nothing cute about it (or at least it's questionable and ambiguous). ...................................................................... as i said, i still very much appreciated some moments. on sunday morning a friend's friend and i were stroking one of the dogs there and later he offered to stroke my back. after a while we switched and i started stroking his back, neck and arms. i enjoyed moving my hands in soft motions and in the end he asked if he could lean against me. we sat like that for a few minutes and it felt nice to be so nurturing, i guess. and on the car ride back home i had the other dog sat on my lap for like 2 hours. so beautiful and cute! she seemed to like me and every now and then she licked my thighs and hands. ♡

this is a weird thing to say but...just now i randomly watched a video that i recorded of myself when i was 17, and i was so cute! i'd share it here but i do say some weird stuff in it so it's best to keep it to myself. the way i moved my eyes while talking and my facial expressions and everything. now i feel bad cause she's gone and i rarely appreciated her. i don't know if i'll get another chance at being so cute and pretty in a stable way that i can then call my permanent identity or whatever. in a way where i see it, i like it, and i'm not afraid of losing it 24/7. i still feel like the anorexic me was almost perfect. with the catch that i was quite unhealthy trying to maintain that identity. i wouldn't wanna go back, but it sucks that now i'm "healthy" at the expense of something so utterly beautiful. apologies if this is inappropriate or egotistical or ...i guess it is somewhat egotistical but even that has its place.

guilt. this morning i woke up feeling a lot of tension. at first, i thought it was the usual anxiety, but then i realised that actually it was guilt. when i was actively eating disordered, guilt was always among the first emotions that kicked in after i started eating more, moving less, or doing anything else that was outside of my comfort zone. cause it's Wrong! it means DANGER, and my system knows this. like any other emotion, guilt is there "to protect". kind of lame.....and at the same time, it works! it makes it a hundred times more unattractive to step outside my comfort zone, "love myself", "accept myself", and so forth. now i wasn't expecting to be dealing with this emotion today, mostly because i'm operating in an entirely different context these days...or maybe not. it's still "recovery". and while being sick has definitely lost its thrill now that i am in my twenties and i'm the only one suffering here, it's still utterly scary to try and grow beyond myself. again, my system actually very deeply believes it to be unsafe. and so all it can do is make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable emotions to prevent me from doing something stupid. i feel overwhelmed, unsteady and decentred. i don't know what to think anymore and if it's bad to keep working on having more positive perspectives on myself. there's so much tension and my throat is tight, my eyes are watery. kind of stupid how emotional all of this has to be. though perhaps i should enjoy it, at least i'm never bored. but it's okay. i think i can get past this. i've done it many times. i choose Love. it's as simple as that. ...and then i feel guilty for making it seem like i'm so convinced of this, so positive and strong in my undertakings. so"self-confident", the boring kid that's "pro self-love" because that's all she can do when the reality is that she's just Ugly... God, it hurts. it's a lot. i guess it can help to write about this though, and really explain the emotional dilemma i find myself in, so that it won't go unheard or unappreciated.

i know that this doesn't seem to make much sense, but as i re-read this i had to cry because....something about this is so incredibly, INCREDIBLY loving and merciful.

...................................................................... i feel so much - and that's okay. it's fine that these days my primary purpose seems to be to hold myself together, and to allow myself to feel bad at times. once again it occurred to me how there can be something strangely appeasing in embracing and appreciating this experience. i've said it a million times before - that i should simply feel how i feel - but living it is a different story. i'm work in progress, and first and foremost i can Be, without pretending like the valid time of my life is only yet to come; it's not. i've been through a lot and every second of it was cherished. i may be hurting and struggling, i may be in tears and pain, i may beg for a way out where there is none...and yet every second of it is cherished. and i don't need anyone to understand. i don't need anyone to validate what i'm doing here. there is no ulterior motive; this is it. ......................................................................

i feel so confused and overwhelmed.

it's weird how i can be trapped in a state of unbearable, crippling anxiety... only to feel super soothed and calm a few hours later - completely confident that everything's alright. ...until the game starts all over again.

Lewis Capaldi is the best. there's so much emotion and intensity in his voice. gets me every time. https://open.spotify.com/track/6H7fWtwEUHVfTyZD7zeG4w?si=3WJ_68JpRfOoRslJ9lz4RQ&utm_source=copy-link

i want to cry.

there's so much Love:)

i get these moments where for some reason, as soon as i relax and allow my mind to stop overthinking so vehemently.... ....there's ....something that i can't quite put my finger on. Being, i guess. and i just want to stare at anything. i want to stare, because i'm so in Love with it. everything that is, is! (like Wow, that's Insane!) and the simple fact that it is what it is- or rather, it is that it is - makes it unshakably, undoubtedly beautiful. these words mean nothing, they make no sense at all. but thank God that it's true! ... my thoughts can only go "aaaaaaaw". and then i lose it again.

i feel like i'm the weirdest person ever and i'm just. so. cringe. my body is tense and i feel like i should apologise for every word i've ever said. "no matter what i say or do, it's always wrong. and surely people think i'm crazy."

i use words to express myself. in this journal, in the piles of private journals that i've filled throughout the years and just in general. and yet, what i'm trying to say is always beyond the words that i use. sometimes i wish i could simply copy and paste the energies, vibes and emotions that i feel. ...also to find them again when i lost sight of them. but i'm afraid that's not possible, and maybe it's for the best. to simply be. (whole). i guess my point here is simply... i use a lot of dumb, empty, repetitive words in this journal. they mean virtually nothing. nonetheless, typing them can have a strong energetic impact on me. and perhaps reading them (or anything else) also affects you as a reader, in one way or another, and always as needed. though this is not for me to decide.

i like my hair. when the lighting is right, it can look slightly golden. it goes past my waist and looks cute when i wear it in two plaits. i like my eyes. they are deep and strong and pure. i like the set of earrings i am wearing right now. they are very simplistic but pretty and i inherited them from my grandma. i like that i am softer than i think i am. i love that i can feel this deeply. emotions are so beautiful. i love my friends. i love music. i love it when i see strangers smile at each other, or when people look after each other. it is just so lovely and precious to see how people show love.

now that is a lie. i simply like feeling sexy when i'm "angry". and then i think i must seem so desperate and cheap, like i'm the biggest wannabe ever.

i talked to a friend the other night and he said that it would help me to express anger. then just before i woke up this morning i had a thought, and the thoughts i have on waking up tend to be...idk, useful? accurate? i'm trying to make this sound sexy now, otherwise i'm gonna feel like a bad person. "if ___, i'll slap you in the face. i'm not good at slapping people, so it wouldn't hurt too bad. but you'd understand the gesture."

* i feel exhausted and i'm really not doing well. there can be moments when i feel like i've finally resolved it all and then 20 minutes later i don't even know anymore how to make it through the rest of the day. if i could do something to make it stop, i would. but it seems like there's nothing to be done here. i don't want to go on living like this, not for another day or month, let alone another year. and then i feel guilty for saying it as it is, or for being a burden on my friends. i'm aware that it's not helping anyone when all i do is spread negativity, also in this journal. at least i'm being real about it and i'm not hiding, so maybe that's worth something. but who knows.

for some reason, this doesn't compute so well. that we can suffer this badly, and it's simply no one's fault. it's not my fault or your fault, nor is it anybody else's. we don't want to accept this. maybe because it's easier to have someone to blame. or because it's yet another subtle way to avoid "what is".

https://open.spotify.com/track/1R7F8kYZxOe1VcGCC4eYfE?si=i9cR6PMgRZudh2JqAX6mAg&utm_source=copy-link

i have this thing where i express something positive and then my head starts screaming "you're a liar!" and when i say out loud what i dream of or desire, i feel like things are automatically less likely to go well somehow stupid me. i wish i could make it stop.