Judy2

i am struggling a little when i try to share positive perspectives or experiences in this journal. maybe because my inner conflicts always seem so much more fundamental than the few decontextualised moments of joy and appreciation that almost seem structurally irrelevant. or because i feel like i'm either being silly or arrogant when i write about myself or my life in positive terms. then again, i feel just as guilty for my imbalanced, mostly pessimistic entries in here. it might not be all too apparent from the outside - i guess most of the time it looks like i'm playing word games and jumping back and forth between the same five or six dualities - but expressing some of my emotions through language can trigger emotional releases and does not necessarily keep me stuck. anyway, the point is that i feel like i should try to include some more positivity in here. i'm not quite sure how exactly (make lists?, impressionistic descriptions, note it down when i do feel good about myself in the same way that i'd do it when i feel bad about myself?) but i'll figure it out eventually. i'm just scared that i'm gonna sound selfish when one day i go like "i like my hair and my eyes" or whatever.

i am such a failure. i could be so perfect, but then i'm not. and now i really don't know what to do with myself.

there is no "real existential problem". it is Okay to feel the way i feel.

"What you have told me is quite a romance, a romance of art one might call it, and the worst of having a romance of any kind is that it leaves one so unromantic." ~ Oscar Wilde

i can be in a room full of people, and still i feel lonely inside. we can all hug twice a night to say hi and bye, and yet i am left feeling untouched, disconnected. i wish i could just say out loud how i feel, verbalise some of my thoughts as they arise. tell them that i think i'm evil, that i hate my body and hate my face. maybe someone would care, but i don't want to be inappropriate. i thought about this today, and after a while i also thought... even when i feel lonely, at least a few moments of genuine connection do occur when i'm around other people. my laughter may be a little hollow, but it can still be genuine. and when i was tearing up in that rocking chair the other night, i noticed that a friend had come over to stand behind me and he started rocking the chair for me.

"You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop." ~ Rumi

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense. The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you." ~ Rumi

@Raptorsin7 thank you♡

"Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation." ~ Rumi

i'm at my grandma's again and the fields and woods surrounding the village are pure magic. i remember 8 or 9-year-old judy sitting in the living room upstairs, grandpa's graph paper in front of her, trying to figure out what this "infinity-feeling" was all about... - Consciousness is so vast!

Life can be so deeply Romantic...and i feel like i fail to live up to that. some of the things i've seen and felt, the places i've known are simply too Good. and then i wonder how can that be? what a waste to show all this Divine Beauty to an ugly creature like me! i should either be just as perfect and beautiful as the most divinely sweet elements i've gotten to see in this lifetime - but i'm not - or someone else should see them in my place. some of the things i've had and experienced - i'm simply not good enough for them. ... this is so confusing and existentially painful. there's this infinitely profound devotion, awe and admiration for some "stories", processes and aspects of Being. and i wish all of this could stay pure. i wish i didn't have to spoil it with all the things about me that are "lesser" and not quite perfect.

i only realised this year that since i was 13 or something, i didn't really plan on having a future. my definition of success would have been to live in as much misery as possible until i'm maybe 25 or 30. i never explicitly thought about it, but maybe it was implied. explicitly i thought i wanted to heal and recover, have a family and be a good mum. i don't even know if i actually meant it, because the living in misery part was also deeply attractive to me. and now it really doesn't help when people only tell me "you're gonna get wrinkles and look old anyway". it only makes me think that i should have just died when i was 18. and it's really, really scary to think about what life i'll be living now.

every now and then i get these moments when i start tearing up, go awwww and enter moaning mode because the Love and Beauty are within reach again. but then after a microsecond i shut it off. guess it's just too unsteady, i can't allow this to happen, i'm not entirely convinced yet.

"imparadised in one another's arms" iv.506 "But silently a gentle tear let fall From either eye, and wiped them with her hair; Two other precious drops that ready stood, Each in their crystal sluice, he ere they fell Kissed as the gracious signs of sweet remorse And pious awe, that feared to have offended." v.129-135

"E ho detto a Coraline che può crescere Prendere le sue cose e poi partire Ma Coraline non vuole mangiare, no Sì, Coraline vorrebbe sparire E Coraline piange Coraline ha l'ansia Coraline vuole il mare ma ha paura dell'acqua E forse il mare è dentro di lei E ogni parola è un'ascia Un taglio sulla schiena Come una zattera che naviga in un fiume in piena E forse il fiume è dentro di lei, di lei"

i got my feedback for the presentation and i'm really happy about it lol maybe i'm evil for saying that now

in the past few days i've been feeling so deeply. i'm exhausted. i want to feel free and light and happy and beautiful? is there any chance that this is still possible for me?

i am having difficulty expressing my frustration with other people. it's so easy to express how much i hate myself. every minor mistake i make results in me thinking "i am such an evil individual, i am a bad person, i'm so evil". but when it comes to other people, i tend to do the opposite. i never, ever question their goodness and know that no matter what they do, they do it because of Love. in the past few years this has definitely spared me a lot of trouble and it usually doesn't prevent me from setting boundaries when it's necessary. but at the moment there's still an element of artificiality. ... maybe i could see the Love both in them and in myself. and maybe within that, i could express my frustration and anger, my disappointment and hurt feelings - even and especially when i am aligned with and aware of the Love that is present. i'm just really, really, really scared of this. cause it might make me look bad i guess. it might make me look less peaceful and likeable. it might be too active and engaging. it's just that these days i feel like - and this is a very limited perspective but it's still something that's there - people can practically walk all over me. not in a bad or harmful way most of the time, but ... idk. and it's really tough to say it when something isn't right. my guess is that some people would be kind of intimidated by my speaking up a bit more....hell, i would be intimidated. cause it's easy for them to like and admire me when they don't feel threatened by me. now what if i said things from a very loving, intentional place and still they'd take it the wrong way? then they'd say i'm not as peaceful and sweet and innocent as i used to be. Sorry if this is silly.

a friend's gonna call me in an hour or two and then maybe i can talk about all of it. it's just so exhausting. i don't want to have to feel all of this on my own. i'm tired. i'm so tired. why do i always have to be strong by myself? why can't anyone be there to hold space for me and let me be weak. i really, really, really need that right now. i really need someone else to be here and be strong for me, cause i'm tired of needing to look after myself just because there's no other way.

okay, i'll probably delete this later but....i have my presentation tomorrow and i have no idea how it will go. last week i had a smaller one for practice, i didn't finish and basically just started to cry at the end. my prof was really lovely and came to me after class, almost leaned in for a hug and told me not to be nervous. then today i got an email with the feedback and one of the points was "Don't say "Oh God!"" cause apparently that's what i say when i'm nervous lol. other than that i'm mostly doing fine. life is still challenging, but i do have these moments when i'm like....i'm actually glad to be alive. it's exciting. it's the natural way of Being. of course Life wants to be Alive, what else could it be? there's a lot more but it's hard to put it into words. my system is starting to relax though. sometimes my perspective on "self" and "reality" has this inquisitive, mystical touch to it. so there's no clarity yet, just a little "oh yeah, i remember" here and there.

the other day i was on a bus and there was this very insignificant but precious moment. so i was already seated, then this one guy came in and he sat a few rows at the back. we were facing each other, so we both had to make an effort to avoid some awkward staring and look out of the windows instead. then a few stops later someone else came in and they had a dog, and now the guy that was facing me started smiling and he kept smiling for at least two minutes, maybe longer.... that smile was so pure and precious, you could see the little boy in him.

i kind of wanna say "i love God"....idk, it's a weird thing to say, but this arose as a spontaneous expression. it doesn't refer to any concepts or ideas, not even a particular feeling. perhaps something more subtle, an intuition out of thin air, a secret reminder. God is so Divine, so real, and it's Here, and it's somehow within Me, I am within It. there are moments when i recognise: Consciousness is MASSIVE. like.... wooooow, Existence in Perfect Unity, and it's just so WoW! Explosive but static, there's this Hyper-Acceleration to Infinity and at the same time Perfect Stillness. i'm trying to put it into words or grasp it, cause it's just too Divine. there's this thing about Awakening that makes it so utterly Perfect, and i can't even say what it is. this Inclusivity that still manages to expand and grow beyond itself, but already is itself... this Wow Wow Wow Wow Wow, it's me, it's for Me, it's Love!!! too good to be true, but it has to be true, it's inevitable. God!