Judy2

took me a while to figure this out, but i have just realised that stress levels are especially hard to manage when they stay high even after the trigger (work, family, noise, etc.) has been removed. i recognise how certain situations put me under increased stress, so it's easy to tell myself that things will be better as soon as i get home and have some me-time, alone, on my own, without obligations. which is generally true, but then it's even more dysregulating when i find that i am finally on my own and still, i can't quite seem to cool down, can't switch gears. even when i am left alone, i'm not okay and i can't manage my own system (emotions, bodily sensations) that well.

Day 5 the first few hours of the workday were better again, and maybe i didn't do my boss justice by saying i don't like him.... but nope, still don't like him, at least not as a boss, because he sucks at communicating what he wants me to do. so naturally, at some point i started counting down the minutes again. at least i'm halfway done with this place now....i wonder if i can still fake it well enough, or if everybody has figured out by now that i'm not that happy with the work environment. for one, because it's hard to connect to my boss's vision for the exposition he's trying to set up. and also because i don't think it's important, meaningful, or serious enough. i don't even mind tedious work. i do mind work where it's not clear what i'm expected to do, and it looks like my boss doesn't check tasks for clarity before handing them to me....and also isn't really answering my follow-up questions that well. apparently, not meaningful enough isn't good either, because it feels dull and boring and pointless. it doesn't draw me in enough to commit to the job and try my absolute best. anyway, this afternoon i'll try my best to relax and do better than yesterday. read my book. then on the weekend, i'll finally be able to go to the gym.

... i did all the wrong things again to deal with my stress levels. would appreciate some therapeutic support at this point, but it's hard to find. a common argument is they reject me because i'm too sick, so i need more therapy, but that's how i miss out on even the smallest amount of therapy and end up having none.

....feeling agitated.

i continue worrying about career prospects, what education and job opportunities i'll have this year.... i'm trying to turn this uncertainty into something more positive though - curiosity, excitement, trust, faith? i know there are lots of opportunities out there....which is quite overwhelming....but in turn, it could also mean that one way or another, i'll find something that'll make me feel fulfilled. currently debating my odds of being accepted for education in nutrition/psychology .... i'll figure it out. it's okay and i can relax. it'll be okay, i'll find something.

Day 4 not so good again. i don't like my boss. he's not very specific about the tasks he wants me to do, isn't specific when i ask questions, either...then acts disappointed when something doesn't work the way he'd envisioned it. he sent me to a copy shop and gave unclear instructions about what he wanted printed and how. i walked through the cold, got there, dealt with unwelcoming shop owners for an hour, and knew i had to make some decisions without getting detailed feedback, but i also didn't want to return empty-handed....stressful. then i came back and my boss wasn't happy. i know in the past i would have made this failure about my self-worth....i don't take it seriously now, but i am upset with my boss and kind of think it's his fault he's not giving clearer instructions. that makes it really hard for me to do what he wants. so i don't necessarily feel bad about myself right now....just bad for myself, and a little frustrated and unhappy at work. whatev....i'll be gone by the end of next week, so i really don't care as long as i get a nice entry for my cv. and that's only fair if i spent 50 hours working for him for free, dealing with nasty shop owners and tediously drawing up excel sheets and everything.

Day 3 today was better. finally managed to sleep through, i'm starting to like the book that my mum gave me for Christmas, and the workday passed more quickly without as much fatigue or exhaustion. coke light helped. at the office, i did a lot of excel/word/power point type of work and inbetween that participated in a meeting, which was pretty chill for me and just interesting to watch. i've been thinking more about how a job can feel Zen, and that i generally associate this feeling of relaxation with a lack of seriousness, importance, urgency, or anxiety about a given task. the opposite of how i felt at university on most days. "life purpose" sounds quite dutiful and serious, though. so i don't know how to feel Zen, relaxed, and soft while also doing something meaningful in life - that's a bit of a contradiction i'm still trying to reconcile for myself. as soon as something becomes meaningful, it simultaneously becomes something to be anxious about - yet, to be fulfilled, i want both meaning and a sense of being light and safe and free....safe, most of all. like everything's sorted and the rest is just extra, playful, with no pressure. yet also meaningful....no idea where to find that combo, or how to manifest it; if this is to be found in the task, or the attitude with which i approach a task. ...or maybe this polarity is not even meant to be transcended, but to be embraced as a constant hovering between seriousness and playfulness...

you could also try miso paste

hard to tell what this was. generally speaking, i'd point out that a mystical experience isn't necessarily perceptual/visual. it's not about what happens inside your perceptual bubble, but how this bubble is made sense of/conceived of/how the Self relates to this bubble. your age doesn't matter.

what about meal prepping it in advance (and freezing it)?

Day 2 sleep was less than ideal again. so was work. energy's low as i don't feel comfortable eating at the office, and the way to work and back takes 1 hour in each direction... tasks at work were meh, too. lots of copy and paste, etc. felt quite exhausted and eager to get home. it's also raining. and my parents didn't warn me about this, maybe they didn't know either, but i'm having suspicions that my host may have a drinking problem - which isn't really affecting me, but it does leave a hint of discomfort, for sure. anyway, one more negative: i don't think i'll make it to the gym on weekdays because that'd also be a 45 min drive in each direction (that can't be combined with the way to work)....and i don't have the nerve for that after the workday. will catch up with my training on the weekend. not because i don't want to work out after work, i'd love to, but because travelling to an unknown gym in an unknown part of an unknown town by unknown means of transportation in unknown weather conditions would add 2 more unsafe hours to my already pretty damn unsafe day. now i'm just trying to feel safe, maybe read a book and watch some YouTube videos....staying in and doing all the stuff to feel safe and comfy, when the rest of the day is filled with danger and discomfort. something like that. ... i find it hard to ground myself right now. hence why i am writing all this - it's a lot going on for me, for sure, and i am having trouble switching modes to just being and relaxing... but i guess now's finally the much desired time for that? still hard to switch modes.

Internship Day One at the Cultural Office i didn't have a good night's sleep as i lay awake for a few hours, but felt relatively good when i got up this morning. had enough time to get ready and then my parents' friend drove me into town by car. i got to the Cultural Office on foot, was introduced to everybody and shown around. got my own laptop and a password, but it took us quite some time to deal with technical difficulties. after that was fixed, i was given some documents to work on - copy and paste, re-size, look for grammar or vocabulary mistakes, try printing them and finding the right format. everybody's nice but the secretary told me it's a job where you have to sit a lot and i should think about whether that's for me. feeling somewhat uncomfortable and unsafe now. i tried to have lunch but couldn't because i couldn't find a place to be alone and i tried to feel into it but felt too uncomfortable to eat. i'll be staying until 2 pm and then i can drive back home - which is, at least, a lot safer than here. ...sat in the tram now and i'm feeling drained, overstimulated, socially depleted. had to smile and do small talk for way too many hours today. ... probably not my dream job or dream office, but i assume i'll make it through the next two weeks being present enough to enjoy some aspects of this nonetheless.

if i can quiet the struggles around food and anxiety.... now i'm actually excited for the days to come, getting to know the new city and everything. it'll be good. feeling this enthusiastic is so alien to me.

....i do feel unsafe, unstable....because it's so new, unknown, forbidden to me to try to plan on eating enough when i'm travelling, somewhere new, doing something new. that's such a weird combo, to aim for balance in that kind of environment....rather than trying to restrict, which is a much clearer direction than finding the middle ground between too little and too much. but it has to be this way and apparently, i need to practice this. i know that every time i failed to do this, i felt sad and dreamt of the moment when i finally could feed myself well despite external uncertainties.....so apparently now's the time that i'm finally "allowed" to do the meal prep while away from home, somewhere scary. not really allowed, even, maybe i'm not allowed to...but i guess it just makes sense, cause i know the consequences for me - mentally and physically - that arise when my eating gets out of hand and overly chaotic. i'm trying to be good to myself and eat regularly, because i know rationally that i'll be better off this way, even though it's not how i normally function outside of my self-proclaimed safe spaces. so maybe it's still not allowed and it still feels bad, but regardless, i understand why it makes sense to prioritise meal times. (by the way, strength training is also one of the reasons i'm starting to see why it's not good to go through random phases of restriction....if i want to keep working out, i should keep eating enough, too. everything else would do more harm than good.

there's some anxiety and a sense of unsafety, for sure. there always is when i'm in a new, unknown environment. but i'm getting along well with the hosts and trying my best to make this a good experience....exploring the new cities and everything. it's tempting for me to restrict when things are like this, but i also know it's not good for me and it usually backfires later - so despite the anxiety, i'm trying to be a bit rigorous about feeding myself well and regularly. i told myself what to meal-prep in advance, so that i don't have to overthink it now that the emotions are kicking in unpredictably. breakfast and lunch for tomorrow are sorted...after work i may try to find a gym, and then i can figure out dinner when i get home. ....so i can go to sleep with a good feeling, overall, and things may be well. when i am calm, sometimes i tell myself i love myself...weird. maybe i do this to reinforce or underline the calmness, which is always such a rare experience for me.

Internship Craze - Day Zero some counsellor a few months ago told me i hadn't done enough placements for my cv yet (i hadn't done a single one at that point), so somehow i ended up here, aiming to do a six week streak of three two-week placements in a row. this afternoon, i got to the station and drove to the big city next to the smaller city where i'll be tackling placement number one starting tomorrow. by the time i arrived, my apathy from the hours prior had subsided (i had been stuck in freeze mode being barely responsive)....felt some excitement when driving into the city, and listened to music as i took the tram to get to my accommodation. now i'm staying in one of my parents' friend's attic. ate some tofu and i'm HOPING to feel safe and stabilise here soon.

i'm hurting a bit and feeling bad because of how destabilising the weeks since christmas have been for me. i don't like how the unstable environment has made my eating and meal structure equally unstable, and has been harmful to my psyche and body....don't know if it will get any easier from here, but i'm hoping that my accommodations during the two work placements this month will provide enough safety to help me get back on track in terms of routines and stability. hard to think of that right now, cause i'm despairing a little.

this view and emotion is not permanent. it'll keep on shifting.

i think everybody's moved on from Tinder and dating apps in general for quite a while. it's also not really your fault that you're not doing well on there - that's pretty much built into the system. you can find videos explaining that on YouTube.

i don't know...i feel like i should have been more intentional with the journal. be clearer from the start on what i am actually trying to accomplish here.... instead, i'm just winging it and figuring it out as i go.

it can go both ways. for some people, excessively exercising can be a dysfunctional behaviour when trying to regulate themselves. that being said, for most people, it isn't, and most of us would benefit from exercising more. in that case, exercise is also nice because it offers both more immediate and long-term benefits for emotional regulation: it can be implemented as a routine for general stability, and as a spontaneous skill in moments of crisis (running around the block, doing a few squats, running up and down the stairs to deal with an immediate emotional trigger or stressful situation).

gluten isn't bad for you unless you have celiac disease....i think that's the scientific consensus these days, at least. if you have a good blender, you can make your own hazelnut butter:)

i like using stevia as a sugar substitute. the powdered version works well for baking because it has the same volume as sugar. - any thoughts on this?

i've been wanting to share this point here....that sometimes, i'm obviously anxious when things are bad, but i'm also - very oddly - quite anxious when things that i know are usually bad (or a source of major discomfort and self-rejection) are suddenly "good". good body image, most prominently. because there's so much pressure still, knowing that the not-having it is such a huge source of suffering and self-hatred....but when it's finally good, i'm feeling anxious, clingy, paranoid, wondering how long it will last, knowing it can only last for so long. i wonder if anybody on this planet relates to this - any of the women with an ed history who've gone through phases of perceiving themselves to look good while feeling miserable, or feeling better but looking worse and feeling bad about that....or some other combination of the above. i wonder if i'm alone with that. i guess that's why seeing my own underweight body last year was such a huge trigger. because it felt so good even though i know it's not a good life when i try to maintain it....and this is still such a huge source of sadness, sometimes. and i feel alone with that. i also feel quite stupid for not choosing it and not living it when i feel the trigger - cause living out that triggered fantasy would be the greatest way of honouring it - but then it also consumes my entire life, and my life will be only that, and nothing more. ....and this is all a bit too meta but while writing this, i got triggered by some stuff (the writing and some other things), paused, thought it's not worth doing something stupid over, got triggered some more, felt too many things, couldn't cool down, did one of the things that are not good for me in the long-term. but this is where online honesty has to end because i can't share that openly...not sure how to balance this with writing about the solutions i try to find. (it's also difficult to balance being honest and expressing an authentic part of me with sounding too much like i'm supporting or promoting harmful behaviours, or showing them off in some sort of fetishistic manner,..which is not my intention!)

body image today is comparatively good, anxiety moderate.