Judy2

i've had a very productive day so far - for once. but for some reason i'm feeling a little unsteady. or sentimental, i guess. sometimes i just don't know what to think or what to believe. and so i'm lost and scared. which is fine.

now i'm very emotional and a little upset or something. cause i feel like no one understands how MASSIVE it is to give up yourself and have the courage to stick around when it would be so much easier to leave. it's so massive that i have no words for it. but from the outside it's this unspectacular little thing where "it can't have been that bad if you survived and you're healthy now", and no one cares about the intensity of the whole experience. sorry if i upset anyone now and make it sound like i demand external acknowledgement or whatever. that's not what this is. i'm just personally at a loss when i think of how huge all of this is. and i'm at a loss when i don't know how to communicate it or make it seen, make it count.

this afternoon i called my mum because i was told that it would be helpful to inquire a little into her pregnancy with me, my birth story and early childhood years. it was helpful and also healing in many ways - to hear about her emotions and how much she cared about me. how she was trying to stand up for me when dad didn't really care to. it made me cry, in a good way. but then she started talking about my experience from age 13-17 (should have been 18 anyway) as if i'm doing completely fine now. and that hurts. while i try to keep a lot of things from her because i don't want her to worry about me...it hurts that she fails to see that i'm not fine, that i'm actually still struggling a lot. and it hurts to see that, although she should know better by now, apparently she'd take my situation a whole lot more seriously if i was still underweight. ouch.

https://youtu.be/xqy7Gqgu1BU

i've been doing a little better in the past few days, but i still get stuck in endless loops where i come up with all these reasons why i'm a bad person. i'm so cringe, i'm so ugly, i'm so bad i'm so incompetent, i'm so childish and this is so uncomfortable. ...trying to let it go though.

@Something Funny that's great, i'm happy for you:) and thank you for your suggestion. i'll keep this option in mind.

@Something Funny i've done lsd, maybe 15 times or so. at the moment i'm hesitant about tripping though cause i'm scared that my anxiety is gonna be too intense. my sensitivity is very high so even a microdose can feel like a full trip.

i love these moments when Life feels like a novel to me

maybe i'm too broken now to allow people to love me. that now maybe when someone's there, i simply cannot take it. in some twisted, toxic way ...it feels even better to know that someone would be there to love me, but i won't let them. when before, no one was there and i thought i needed and wanted it so badly.

i am this silly little paradox that i just can't seem to resolve.

@Something Funny that's nice of you. yes, i will make it somehow. i'm just a little exhausted at this point.

why did i survive an eating disorder just to go through all the things i'm going through now? i'm in a state of crisis and don't know what to do or what will happen next

i went for a short run this morning and was feeling kind of okay. even sat down to study a little, but maybe i can't take it. i don't know if i can, i'm really trying, but maybe i can't i'm just scared that it's only gonna get worse if i slow down, it's gonna take even longer to get my degree and i'll be stuck for even longer in this town i don't know what to do i feel like i have to hold myself together to prevent it all from getting worse i never slow down. i don't do slow. i'm so overwhelmed with the situation and don't know how to deal with it

today has been really intense. like, really, really, really intense. i do feel like writing helps though. not the mindless 15 pages at a time kind of writing, but the more deliberate approach i can take. sorry if it's bad quality, but it helps. even if i write some really depressing stuff....i feel like it can transform the pain into art. i can read the words out loud and after a while i am more detached, i'm telling someone else's story...i guess?

@Something Funny thanks, i'll try:)

quite frankly, i feel lost. i'm trying not to sink too deeply into this feeling, cause i'm afraid it would swallow me whole. there are things i could do, i've got assignments to work on....but then i get so overwhelmed cause i don't know what to do, when, in what order, where, how....and i feel so lost, so insecure, no matter what i do or where i go. i wish someone could give me gentle orders. wash your face, put on some make-up and pick a nice outfit, go outside, it will make you feel better. i wish i had more appointments just to have a reason to go outside more often, be busy, do something in life. i feel hopeless. like all this time i keep reaching out, keep looking for solutions and still there's no way to move on to something better. and i feel so incredibly alone.

i think God hates me lol

....the hair is fine, but my face RUINS it all. i wish they could have cut that off as well.

today i finally had my hair cut and now my self-esteem is 15 centimetres shorter than it was before. .... too short! oh well, it's gonna grow back. i hope.

i went to see one of my professors during his office hours so that we could discuss the details of my term paper. he said he's sick of reading papers on feminism in Jane Eyre - which is understandable - so what he's gonna get from me is, he's gonna get a psychoanalytical reading of domestic spaces in The Picture of Dorian Gray.... i'm gonna make his heart melt lol. (sorry if i sound like a bitch... feels good sometimes, and it's good that i can be somewhat optimistic about the paper.)