Judy2

i feel as though the erratic posting pattern indicates you might want to seek professional help, after all:) even if you're experiencing awakening. there's no shame in that. if you're God and everyone's You, let God help you🙏🏻 just to help you calm down a bit, stabilise, and clear up your mind. when i had my first awakening, it was very real, but also deeply confusing. sometimes awakening and mental overload go hand in hand, and it's wise to recognise this and give yourself some space to cool down. wish you all the best and take care♡

does something along the lines of emotional mastery/awareness count as a value? as in, being in touch with my emotions and letting them guide me? and being relaxed and grounded while i let myself experience emotions fully? if not, is there another value this could be a part of?

i notice that i am still struggling a lot with the values assessment section in the life purpose course. don't really know what's getting in the way...probably the good old perfectionism, or a general sense of insecurity. i wish someone could tell me the answers, or that i could compare my results to some kind of answer key.

i haven't mentioned this yet, but during my 3-month break from the forum, my grandmother died. she'd been in a coma for over 15 years already, so aside from a hint of sadness, i mostly felt relief that she'd finally made it. i don't know what keeps a person stuck in limbo for so long, but it must have been something significant holding her back, and i'm proud, if anything, that she finally managed to let go. death is also renewal and rebirth - direly needed for someone who's been stuck in a vegetative state for so long, since the time i was still in primary school. my age has more than doubled since she got sick. it's good that she finally had the strength to move on, to whatever comes next for her. i'm sharing this now because i randomly remembered that a few months ago, i had had a dream about her suddenly waking up, and how i'm trying to come to see her. it must have been a few weeks before her death. i guess her waking up has always been a subconscious dream of mine, after all these years. don't know why....i guess it would have been cool. a bit of a miracle, perhaps. it would have made me feel safe, for some reason.

i think Freud and all the people trying to make sense of him deserve a place in Leo's part two on deconstructing rationality, cause this is really pushing the limits of reason.

for example some scholar's reading of Butler's reading of Lacan's reading of Freud said that.

@Husseinisdoingfine i think it's an unlikely scenario that they would become completely open-minded overnight though.

@Schizophonia ah ok. then the interpretation of the interpretation of the interpretation said that.

@Schizophonia idk. this part is interesting to me personally, because i know that Freud's theory basically equates mental illness with the feminine and mental health with the masculine. having been affected strongly by mental illness, i do wonder if this is really true and if there are ways for the feminine to be feminine and still mentally healthy. i hope so, and i hope that Freud missed something when theorising the feminine as inherently mad, hysterical, and pathological. i guess women can be that and we are probably naturally predisposed to experiencing more negative affect. but that's not all of what we are. i hope there are ways to be sensitive and emotional, yet resilient and grounded at the same time.

relatively good mood this morning. packed all my things and i'm headed back home to my own place. before leaving to catch my train, i started decluttering my parents' attic. they have very weird hoarding tendencies, which is probably one of the reasons they need me lol. they just can't get a hang of their own stuff. it's still in the "normal" territory, i'd say, but borders on being pathological. my parents' materialism is suffocating. they complain about their clutter, yet insist on amassing nonsensical material gifts; board games and books and everything.

@Joshe okay, that's very helpful.

got it:)

yes that makes sense. thank you, Leo. for everything:)

@UnbornTao but i thought the idea is also that many of my current values are potentially inauthentic or toxic? like safety, comfort, and wanting to be liked/approved of? and if my child was on the line, for example, i'd gladly give up my personal safety and comfort....so do i have to think through all sorts of moral dilemmas to rank the values and get clear on my priorities? but i guess it can't hurt to think about this: there are probably still many authentic values that are already a part of my life, i just need to be more conscious when i spend time on them/when they "move" me. 😇 thank you

would you like to go?

@Hojo ok:)

and with truth/consciousness/love/... it's really hard to say if these should be grouped as one value or as individual values, and if i should pick just one of them or several.

yeah, i like that:) but then i don't get why so many people interpret others' interpretations of someone else's interpretation, and what their point is in doing that.

it gets a bit wacky in Lacan's reading because there it goes that women are the phallus and men have the phallus, because women serve as the "dialectical confirmation of [masculinity]". which i guess is true, but then Butler criticises how this view still originates in a matrix based on masculine desire alone and dismisses the idea of a preexisting feminine structure. which is as much as i can parrot from my university lectures; it's not like i understand the implications or if there'd be any alternative.

can you write this on a sticky note/regular note, tape it on your fridge, and look at it every morning? maybe have an additional note pad at hand and every time you get an insight as to how the pursuit of the above could look like, you write it down and try to follow up on it? might make a huge difference to simply get started moving toward what it is you want. also, what stands out is the word "should". maybe inquire into where these shoulds come from and how they contrast with what it is that you WANT? saying this as someone who has a rough time knowing this myself...but i think by now i understand the value of asking this question in the first place, even if it still takes time to figure out the details.

have you read Lacan and Rivière? this reminds me of their reading of Freud. maybe i'm simply too dumb to understand any of them though

internship at a school for children with special educational needs - insights and conclusion this week was quite insightful. the teachers are a lot stricter than i thought they'd be, but apparently this is necessary to set a certain frame that enables relaxed and educative interactions in the first place. i noticed vast differences between the different age groups in how they handle their respective mental conditions. the first graders are a lot more erratic than the older ones. at this school, it's 85-90% training in life skills and relationship/social skills, and 5-10% teaching....with some variation. i suppose that many children can improve, be helped, and grow up to be functioning adults. many won't improve and will grow up to be adults with huge financial, social, and mental problems. some of them will grow up to have personality disorders or other ongoing issues, i estimate. it's still a valuable job, though, and it's reassuring to know that in my country, at least some kids with special needs are receiving specialised support and are taken good care of. their environments at home and at this school are probably still traumatising (because inappropriate/insufficient) in many cases, but lots of people are making quite an effort to help them deal with their unique challenges. the teachers at this school are also doing a lot besides teaching individual subjects like math, reading and writing. they are educators, practically behavioural therapists. they visit other "normal" schools to observe children, write reports, have diagnostic interviews with them, talk to parents several times a term to figure out individualised support plans, and are in touch with other governmental bodies and social services in some instances. quite interesting, and i do see the value in this field of work. if i had to work this job, i'd come to terms with it and know i'd be doing good in the world. that being said, at this point i don't feel that it's a perfect match to unite my strengths, passions, and abilities, or that it would bring about optimal fulfilment. and you probably have to be very psyched about this job in order to prevent getting burnt out.

@Never_give_up have you ever considered doing a therapy specifically for people with autism? a helpful skill that comes to mind is learning how to balance your need for independence/autonomy and your need for connection and support. everybody has both needs, but some people may have more of one than the other, so it's helpful to get to know yourself and where you fall on this spectrum. perhaps a first step would be to simply recognise if what you experience in a given situation is a need for connection and support or autonomy and independence. it would be a mistake to get rid of all support systems altogether. instead, you may want to notice what situations have you needing support more than others, recognise the patterns, and be realistic about what you can and cannot (and want to/don't want to) accomplish on your own. slowly taking more responsibility by taking small steps is also a good idea. no need to overwhelm yourself; just do one new thing at a time. you could also look up tutorials/start attending courses that teach basic life skills like cooking.

internship at my mum's school* - day 5 stressful morning due to some triggering interactions with my mum (at home and also on our way to school). when we arrived, the principal informed us that a former students' grandfather (his primary caregiver) had been found dead, potentially murdered. noting this down because it illustrates the element of gang violence/criminality/abusive environments that many of the students at this school are exposed to....so no wonder they're "being difficult". spent the day with the second graders, then the first graders. the last two lessons were quite exhausting as the kids were screaming a lot. the autistic first grader was still very cute though, and i wish i knew more about autism. after school, mum dropped me off in town to run an errand. later, i came home sobbing. my emotional instability skyrockets when i'm stressed, around family, or not eating well. unfortunately these are usually all related, so things get exponentially worse under such circumstances. i feel sorry for mum that she has to witness these abnormalities at times. trying to relax now, as this seems to be very much needed.