Judy2

it feels counterintuitive to be "tearing down" my apartment; all the decor i've arranged so delicately over the years. destruction. all i can do now is trust that i have it in me to find a new place - rebuild - and make it even better and prettier than it's been here...cause i know i wasn't happy here (even though the nostalgia is kicking in now. at least for my room, if not for this city). anyway: i'll be able to rearrange and decorate my things nicely once i get a new place... wherever that shall be. i have faith. i know that change is scary, but it's also exactly what i've been asking for for years. now it's on me to make good change happen...ugh. i feel scared that i won't manage, that i can't make improvements happen. but i will:) it's not like there's anything else to do anyway. so i'll figure it out eventually.

i think it goes away on its own, whether you fight it or not. maybe you fighting it is even prolonging the paralysis:)

Beauty in the past few weeks, i have been thinking that i would like to work on developing a more loving (less conflicted) relationship with Beauty (conceptually, my own beauty, other people's beauty). i noticed that for many years, i have almost exclusively been thinking of beauty through a lens of comparison, jealousy, and lack; in terms of binaries (pretty - ugly, okay - not okay, worthy - unworthy, ideal - gross). people have told me to simply stop caring about beauty altogether, but this doesn't seem reasonable either. instead, i'd like to develop a more loving approach that doesn't focus as much on lack, as it does on the constant opportunity to create and enhance beauty wherever and however i wish.

~

i don't do anything other than waiting and letting it happen. there's still some anxiety when i'm in paralysis, so it helps to remind myself of what's going on and that it'll be over in a few seconds. so maybe i do do something, by simply trying to relax into it?

happens to me most often with afternoon naps, and sometimes it goes hand in hand with some kind of astral awareness of my sleeping body in bed before waking up and experiencing the paralysis.

ok:)

"I’m resisting and getting annoyed with the whole situation … I feel guilty" "things are the way they are for a reason, perhaps there’s a lesson here." -> does this not apply to your own emotions, too? Notice also that there's an implied "should" here...you "should" be more accepting and allow the situation to unfold as it is. Maybe the "should" itself is implicated in creating the resistance? i don't think there's any alternative. you would like to accept and stop resisting, but only without the guilt and resistance in the picture. since you can't get rid of them, though, i think the only option is to accept them, too (on top of everything else). which is not to say you should abdicate your power to make changes for the better where possible. practically speaking, a combination of both change and acceptance may be necessary here.

@Jannes @Leo Gura Does Ken Wilber also have a book on Spiral Dynamics or is all of his work online?

@Beans i don't think i do, but i might have some degrees of neurodivergence. maybe ADD.

@SimpleGuythe basal metabolic rate (the energy your body requires just to stay alive while resting, e.g. for brain function etc., without accounting for movement) changes after weight loss. if you lose weight and end up weighing 50kg instead of 70kg, your BMR is going to be a bit lower and vice versa ...of course other factors such as exercise and the fact that it takes more energy to metabolise protein compared to carbs must be taken into account to calculate the overall caloric need, though. so it's possible to lose weight and still up your energy needs just by being more active or eating more protein, having more muscle mass (this still counts toward the BMR), drinking more water, etc. so the same amount of calories can put you in a deficit for some time, and gradually it can assimilate your maintenance intake (your BMR+other calories burnt through exercise etc.), as your body weight decreases, which is when you would stop losing and start maintaining weight with the same amount of calories. but it's true that an ongoing energy deficit will inevitably lead to weight loss. for OP's height, 53kg is still in the "healthy" range, but the very lower end of it. not saying it should be the goal, especially because it might be difficult for him to maintain, as most people don't "naturally" fall in that part of the range. i think @koops's suggestion is the best so far.

@Daniel Balan oh wow, thank you!

eternally stagnant and everything

can you accept the guilt and the resistance? allow it to unfold as it is?

hey....i appreciate the time and effort you put into being there for your dad. i also acknowledge that you feel quite overwhelmed. i wonder if there is any chance you could get support in the home? maybe just for one hour a day, so that you can focus on your own goals. it might also help improve the relationship between you and your dad by removing some of the tension. if it's not possible to employ someone professionally, maybe it would be an idea to reach out to your siblings and describe the situation. just because you're single, doesn't mean you're the only one responsibile for helping your dad. maybe you can reach an agreement to split the hours more evenly.

probably:)

@Nivsch i have difficulty getting clear on the exact percentages, and i tend to get distracted by surface level stuff or the occasional shadow coming up.

okay, thanks for pointing that out! i wouldn't know where exactly to situate myself on the spiral anyway. feels like i'm all over the place

not sure if i'd be comfortable sharing that with him.... i'm a total gatekeeper when it comes to my parents

this last week, i feel love and an odd sense of appreciation for the apartment i've been living in for the past five and a half years. as much as i felt unsafe about the location, lost, situated in the middle of nowhere, in some unknown city i didn't really form a great relationship with....this tiny room of mine has been a safe place - a prison and an uncomfortable comfort zone where i felt utterly unsafe most of the time, but yes, also a safe place - for so long. i'm sad to be moving on, but also know it's right...and i'm glad i can conclude this chapter with a sliver of appreciation, despite everything. makes it even more emotional to remember that i came here, 61 lbs, dying, and despite the odds, i lived, God wanted me to live, i wanted me to live. i hardly think about this anymore, but my time here in this city started under quite precarious physical, mental, and emotional circumstances, followed by my first awakening experience. it's also how i met one of my best friends here in this town, and soon i'll be handing her my goodbye letter. it feels heavy. although i've been wanting to leave for so long, now i almost wish i could stay longer. perhaps that's the best time to be leaving though....otherwise i'd just get stuck in a rut again and feel contemptuous about this place, as i have before. i'm happy to be leaving with love and gratitude, even though my time here has been tough 99% of the time. i'll still look back and see Love:) thank God♡

@TruthFreedomok then i misunderstood:)

@Leo Gura ok thank you:)

@Leo Gurado you think my stage orange dad would resonate with it? he's a physicist and i've tried talking to him about mystical interpretations of scientific theory, but he shut down. i wonder if spiral dynamics would open his mind or if he'd dismiss it.

ideally, i'd like to find an affordable place to go in January next year. a Vipassana retreat might be a bit too hardcore, but perhaps someone can recommend a retreat that's a bit more accessible? could also be fitness or yoga related.

@Lord of Darknessi felt that the disrespectful tone of the message distracted from the argument you were trying to make, so i reported it. don't know what happened to the comment after that.