Judy2

@meta_male:). i'm actually not sure if they're a bit too real/triggering atm....so if anyone feels bothered, please let me know and i'll remove them. most of the time i struggle with censoring myself and deleting a lot of posts, but things and perspectives have become so chaotic lately that i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

really missing my "safe space". it's actually quite a big, fundamental topic that i will need to discuss in therapy. the vulnerability i feel when exposed to other people's moods, permeated by their impulses.... it's intense. i feel like they can cut right through me. so much so that ironically, cutting my own skin feels like a relief. feels bearable. tolerable. gentle.

so there's no centre, no rules, no stability.... absolutely nothing "real" to hold onto...but i still have to pretend like there is? even if it means engaging in dysfunctional behaviour from time to time....apparently that's the only thing that can ground me, for now. at least for where i'm at. i don't really see any alternatives right now. need a bit of dysfunction to keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me grounded.... a bit of self-harm here, a bit of dieting there. otherwise there'd be chaos and i'd be completely, utterly lost and unsteady.

might not have borderline after all, but some other kind of combined/mixed personality disorder.

my urge to fully live from a state of infantile immaturity and lack of responsibility is astounding, too. it's amazing how burdened one can be by one's own existence.

feeling incredibly existentially overwhelmed, anxious, and troubled again. and scared. overwhelmed. spoke with an emergency psychologist and he had the most calming presence ever. it's astounding. walking through the woods now. the woods are astounding, too. i'm a mess, i'm scared, i'm troubled.

right now there's some clarity that the belief in "people" is false. i'm not a person, and those "people" out there are a belief that appears and disappears from time to time. no wonder i'm struggling so hard when trying to make sense of myself as a person. the whole thing is completely backwards and antithetical to direct experience. there's no person in my direct experience....there's Life, there's Me, occasionally engaging, toying with, and getting frustrated by, a concept of a person that i have created. no wonder i'm despairing every time i try to make sense of myself as a person....i'm simply not a person. (not writing this from a place of psychological dissociation....i think. just from observing direct experience. and i'm writing it down cause it might help when i'm overthinking too much.) ...i'm a bit scared that you guys think i'm crazy by now.

some more thoughts i've been having lately... it's weird how central of a role mental illness has played in my life. i don't even know why, i feel like nothing bad has happened to justify this, and the fact itself is a bit weird...but this is just what it's always been like....a trippy reality to be thrust into, for sure. a strange world i find myself in. thinking "i am sick, and it's not my fault" in the woods today resulted in another abrupt outburst of tears, until i walked on casually. i keep thinking how much of an autonomous, self-responsibile child i was. my mother would have been there to parent and support me, but i actively resisted that...nowadays, i wish so badly for something (or someone) to relieve me of all responsibility, of every minute decision. the other day, shortly before i entered another dissociative episode, i remember going to the shops and thinking how i'm a type of person who's just very lost....so lost that i want others to get real close, get so close they suffocate me and burn my skin....which is usually something i end up complaining about, too. you really can't have it right with me.

feeling slight embarrassment for being such a drama queen these days

from what i observe, the dissociation is what happens in moments when the overwhelment is so intense that my entire perceptive field gets a crack. like, i worry so much about what i need to do with myself, and that i carry the heavy burden of self-responsibility and needing to make wise decisions and needing to know what i do with myself, where i'm going....so much so that i completely stop feeling like myself. it's a stress-response, my ego goes into hiding. an early sign is when i start biting my cheek or chewing on my lips.

so i guess it's more of a physiological thing. i think i'm pretty much burnt out and the stress of having to take care of and make decisions for myself, having to know what to do with myself....has somehow reached its all-time peak, so much so that something inside me just cracked...and here i am, and i don't know where this is leading. which is fine....just trying to describe it. it's just literally that i feel a bit high, like i'm not fully sober. feeling dizzy, and my perception is a little different from what it's usually like.

...and dissociation isn't just another mental health symptom along with the array of other stuff i've got to discuss. it's a whole different dimension, it structurally impacts my view on everything else, it distorts the way space and thoughts flow.

dissociating again this morning. i feel dizzy, low blood pressure, mentally confused. my doctor doesn't seem to understand that i'm not just talking about emotions and thoughts, but that my entire state is different from what it usually is. i just don't feel sober anymore these days. i feel like i'm constantly tripping without having consumed any substances.

i just want to be loved, and have people who give me hugs and take care of me and who tell me i'm cute, and feel cute about myself yes, that primal. i just want to be happy and safe and feel good about myself. yesterday i wore one of my favourite dresses and felt good in it and received some compliments, too. today i wore my pale pink coat and it felt nice and elegant. and i'm doing my embroidery, acting like a fairy. only i'm a bit nuts while doing that.... but still, a woman at the café tonight told me i look like from out of a fairytale. my head's a bit too nerdy for that, it seems. i think i am good and cute and beautiful....and i just want to live that while feeling safe, and steady. God forbid, functional? but i'm still very much conflicted about "health". Gosh. feels better to be taken care of and loved and nurtured and cuddled and parented when i'm weak, and sick, and starving. when i feel as unstable as i do now....which is why i want my parents NOW... i'll have to figure that out in the days and weeks to come.

i'm scared and still very much confused

as unsafe and unstable as i am in any other part of the world, i'm just as unstable and unsafe here. i don't see any reason why, out of all places, i should choose this one to suddenly change my behaviour and change who i am. especially knowing that this is a temporary resort and they'll abandon me again after a few weeks, pretending like they care what happens after, when they are in fact utterly indifferent. that's why i dislike therapists. they pretend to care how i feel, but it's just because it's their job. they don't really care; it's all ingenuine. so, speaking of choosing "the right" place, out of all unstable places at my disposal ... to get vulnerable, get naked... then i might as well do it at my parents'.... that sounds a lot more spiritually sound, when i look at my entire life story and how significant it is that i have been avoiding that place for years. and it's weird but my entire system is screaming "i want my mommy! i want my daddy!"

i'm feeling a bit negative about the treatment team, too...because they pretend like they understand the scope of what i'm going through. they pretend like they comprehend the complexity of my situation....when in fact they don't.

i see nothing but instability wherever i turn my gaze absolute instability and nothing to hold onto this past week has had me feeling utterly ambivalent about the whole treatment situation here, and my perspective keeps hovering between doubt being part of the treatment experience, or a legitimate perception and what's gonna win over. i genuinely don't know which one it is. i keep thinking that i want to go home and visit my parents i haven't been home in 5 years, it's about time i don't know anything else, but i know that to be true.

~

maybe i'm just weird and derealised....i don't know if this is good, or bad, or if this state is supposed to show me anything....if there's anything to see or discover here. or if i'm just acting super weird. ....i don't know. guess it doesn't matter.

and i'm not quite sure how this structural perceptive shift is supposed to relate to the contents (my mental health, psychological problems, emotions, thoughts, identity...), i.e. the most central issues in my life.

trying to ground myself again for now:) being grounded feels nice and steady, too, whenever i return to it.

i'm a little scared i might be losing my mind

but even the confused self has no choice but to be, it seems. to exist. maybe i am going crazy though.

maybe i'm just delirious, or confused.