Judy2

i've asked about this at least three times before, but never managed to fully lay this out for myself and find a satisfying answer, so here we go again:) first of all, i wonder how many hours of rest and relaxation (aside from meal times and sleep) are normal/necessary. this is confusing to me because i'm a bit extreme in how i'm either all depressed, low-energy, and feel like i need way more rest than i actually do, or hyperactive and stressing out about getting things done, so i'm unable to realistically account for the relaxation hours of the day and how i should even fill them in a useful, functional way. this dichotomy also ties in with my difficulties of balancing boredom and stress. aside from that, i'm also curious about the quality of the relaxation people typically get. does watching tv truly recharge people? probably not, but what activity/hobby does, without draining someone even further after a long day? both the quality and quantity of conscious rest and relaxation are confusing to me because my parents have never modelled this well. for example, my mum works full time, but her way of relaxing after work is just napping or low-conscious stuff like watching tv. i wonder if there are things that truly feel relaxing and like they recharge you, without having you go unconscious and basically seeking to dissociate from all of life. i feel as though many people define relaxation and rest after work as a permission slip to "go unconscious" and basically enter a state of oblivion - zoning out, taking a break from existence itself - even though this isn't truly recharging. but then i haven't really figured out how to relax in a conscious way while feeling like it increases my energy again, instead of draining it further. it sounds exhausting to be alert and present with myself all day, but i also feel super bored when trying to "relax" by doing something stupid, unconscious and useless like watching tv....but if i do something useful, it might stress me out again and not be properly relaxing. part of this confusion perhaps also stems from my ambiguous attitude toward being alive and living in the first place, and i don't even know if it's normal to "stay conscious" during all my waking hours...and if there are reenergising ways to go about this. i mean, ideally this should be the best and only way to recharge, but i don't quite know what it would look like in practice. is rest just a matter of doing an activity that's different from whatever else you're doing all day? so, for example, if your job is very social, rest after work can look like self-care and me-time, or vice versa, and if you have a desk job, physical activity is what's needed to balance things out. is rest about balancing out the kinds of activities you do throughout the day, or is there more to it? sorry if this is just a completely unnecessary rumination that would be answered more easily by simply living life and finding out what works for me. still, i would find it valuable to have some people who already set this up in their lives in a satisfactory way describe their reasoning for how much time they spend on rest and relaxation, what they do to recharge and how it's different from (or also similar to) their "productive" hours. thanks♡ and sorry if this is a stupid question.

yeah: ) but ideally, i'd want to feel obligated to stick to some person's yoga and meditation schedule they set up for me, and be in an environment with little distractions.

@Bjorn K Holmstrom i'd love to go on a yoga retreat next year, but they're all so expensive. do you know one in Europe that you would recommend?

okay, thank you:)

thank you:)

i might be wrong but i think many sleeping medications have antipsychotic effects. to quiet the mind. *not that many, but it's a thing.

yes, that's an interesting way of looking at it. i think i sort of came up with some of the values this way. especially trust, love, consciousness/awareness/presence, health and emotional regulation are values i chose because i've lived through their opposites. i don't value emotional regulation because i'm so good at it already, and i don't value trust because i'm already such a trusting person - but precisely because this is what i need more of, because i'm usually quite anxious, worried, and distrustful, and so i can see the tramsformative potential of becoming at least a tiny bit more leaned back (and emotionally regulated). is this a legitimate motivation for choosing a value?

hey, thank you for sharing. this is devastating and my love goes out to the boy's family and everyone who knew him. sometimes things happen that don't make sense in life. but i fully agree with you that we as a society must find better ways to help those who are experiencing suicidality and also set in place more preventative measures. just make sure you don't lay it all on your shoulders; this is a shared burden and maybe for now, your part in it is allowing yourself to grieve, and also to allow yourself to find happiness again. i know that this can be the harder part, but it's crucial.

@Shakazuluok:) i'm starting to have fun looking at a thing i'm doing and thinking about how many boxes (values) it checks. maybe i should lean more into this attitude. writing the values down in the form of a list is confusing, though, because it artificially breaks down something abstract into sub-components. my brain works the other way around; if anything, i learn other people's models, but i don't typically create my own.

had some weird dreams tonight and woke up again for a few hours. then i went to the gym in the morning, but had to leave early because i had a headache. the afternoon wasn't great, but i did less paperwork than yesterday. it's not like there are any deadlines atm, so i'm not missing out on anything if i take a day off? anyway, this afternoon i randomly started doing my make-up, now i'm listening to music and dancing and suddenly in a much better mood. thank God:) i'm still a bit stressed because i feel as though i need to do a better job at structuring and organising my values list (and all the sub-goals i'd like to assign to each value, for overview and inspiration), my dream journal, etc. it's all a bit of a mess and i feel as though it's always difficult to keep up with all the stuff that's going on in my head. i've also been wanting to start a new list with activities that help me relax.... atm there are almost too many ideas, too much creativity, i can't follow up on it all? but i guess that's better than being depressed, although i'm also struggling with the fact that i can't do everything as perfectly as i'd expect myself to do.

i understand that you don't want to be abused, and that your life hasn't been an easy one so far. however, it seems that change is only possible once you expand your scope of empathy and look just a tiny bit beyond your current horizon. if you don't want to be abused, why abuse others? i am not saying this to judge at all, but to point out that this is a huge learning opportunity for you.

yes, i've tried ifs before but never gone beyond identifying the conflicting parts.

do you think it's possible to fully understand why this is triggering? is it necessary to fully understand this if i want to heal?

i'm not sure. she basically says i always have her unconditional approval and i know by her actions that she's always just trying to be supportive. my parents always said i always have their approval and never pressured me about grades or anything, but then i still struggled a lot with very high expectations for myself at school, even though they basically told me to study less. i don't quite get how their saying "do less" resulted in my thinking i need to earn their approval...so idk if that's entirely it, or if it's something else.

(: i can see how growing up with autism must have been extra challenging at times. two weeks ago i visited a school for kids with special needs and there were a few autistic boys who were struggling a lot. sometimes the adults had a hard time knowing what was even wrong/what triggered their meltdowns. i almost cried along with one of them because i imagined their world must be so confusing and overwhelming.

i am not sure if this is it. it's not like it's the same phrase that upsets me every time. maybe sometimes it is, but not always.

when i was little i always thought life ended with prison and that type of thing would literally be the end of the world. it isn't. prison environments are hositle, even deadly, for sure, but generally speaking they do a good job at giving people time to think and reflect on their behaviour. if you're smart, you can use this time to help you become a better person. sometimes 10 years of being locked up are necessary for people to change tracks in life. it's still up to them, though. no one will do it for you. and even if you don't go to prison after all (i'm not sure if this has been decided yet?), this sounds like a good point in time to start reflecting more on the impact of your actions. do you feel any remorse for touching this person inappropriately? have you taken the time to empathise with their experience? have you considered apologising?

thank you. this really resonates♡ have you also struggled with feeling misunderstood and with difficulties to emotionally self-regulate?

@Hojo i'm friendly around friends and strangers, and when i get along with my parents. and when we don't get along, i turn a bit cold. but this doesn't happen that much with other people, only with family.

okay. it's just weird because i think from my family's point of view sometimes i'm super unfriendly for no reason even though they didn't do anything wrong.

@Yimpa do you just completely avoid talking about emotional/charged topics then? or only bring them up after you have already figured them out on your own?

i don't think she has any bad intentions. i'm overreacting for no reason.

@Hojo she doesn't even say anything hurtful at all. she's supportive all the time. i only feel like she's hurting me because i'm a bit weird sometimes.

i don't know why, but this makes me sad. isn't it mean if i "abandon" her? i mean i'm kind of obligated to identify with my mother. it's cruel to say she has to identify with me forever and i don't. that's completely mean toward her. and it's kind of a sad thing to say about motherhood in general.

yes i thought of this too. it's a bit like i'm bought into the idea that she has a say over who i am, and i'm very attuned to all her subliminal messaging in this regard. and maybe it's been going on for such a long time that it's not even something i have to think through consciously, i just instantaneously sense the threat. do you mean cutting the cord metaphorically speaking in some visualisation exercise or do you mean i should go no contact (which i don't think is necessary/what either of us wants)? is there a way for us to keep having the same interactions without the emotional impact simply by me thinking of it differently (might not work?), or should i also change my behaviour (how?)?