Judy2

i'm into embroidery now:) it's quite enjoyable and actually kind of addictive. a friend got me interested in it and i figured it'd be a suitable alternative to help me reduce my screen time. it's rather calming, even meditative, and i get a nice end result that looks pretty. other than that i guess i'm still struggling with loneliness. i don't have any classes left except for Portuguese and French, and the remaining work i'm expected to do now (papers, thesis) has to be done alone. i'm trying to reach out to people but my friends don't seem to have a lot of time. it's generally quite dull and depressing being on my own all the time and i feel like i could really use someone to talk to more regularly.

sometimes it seems to me like everybody else is perfectly happy, and i'm not. my life's a mess, and maybe i'll never get there.

today i spoke to my professor and asked her to be the supervisor for my BA thesis. she's been very sweet and suggested i have a look at Edgar Allan Poe's short stories since i'd expressed my interest in doing a psychoanalytical reading. when i started reading "The Tell-Tale Heart", i began to wonder if this is such a good idea. the entire process of writing a thesis is already intimidating in of itself, and it would add yet another layer of anxiety if i had to write about horror stories...but okay, we'll have to see. after that my ocd got twice as bad and i guess it generally was a long and exhausting day. i'm currently getting started with another Portuguese class and i'm also taking a French class - apparently i'm already a C1 in French, which is hard to believe. it's a shame to see how many credits i could get for taking all these classes when i no longer need them on paper...but i want to keep practising anyway and i suppose i need something to keep me sane and grounded this term...

in the morning and around noon i was doing fine, but later today the anxiety came back and i can't quite let go of it now. i suppose the difficult part is to be fully aware that people will die, i'll die, i'll get hurt, i'll get my heart broken, there'll be moments when i'll feel scared and ashamed and worried, there'll be conflicts, tragedy, death, loss and sadness....to be fully aware that all of these things are a part of life, while allowing myself to feel joy and happiness, to feel light and at ease, too. but how can i feel joy and love, knowing that pain and sadness are inevitable? how could i possibly relax and let things be simple when i KNOW how hard and complicated everything can be? i don't know how to stop looking at the dark side of things all the time, because looking away won't make them go away, and if i know there's a chance i'll get hurt, i want to be prepared....i don't want any bad surprises, i'd rather expect the worst at all times. it feels like i must grieve now, and maybe i'll never stop, and maybe i'll never truly live, because Life will hurt me, again and again....and i'm here now, i'm exposed, i'm vulnerable. ...and i care about you now, and i really wish i didn't because already, my heart is breaking. it pains me to love, open up and be vulnerable when i know i'll get hurt, again and again. how am i supposed to be calm then, and enjoy the good things....when i know it'll all end in pain? if it all has to end sooner or later, why live? why love? why be? why care? why be vulnerable, why get close, open up, if i know that sooner or later we'll have to say goodbye and maybe i'll bleed to death, because you stabbed me, and maybe i'll break?

it's hard to stop being anxious right now. i would like to, but it feels like there are all sorts of objective reasons to be concerned and worried, and there's not a thing i can do to fix any of it. everything's wrong with me, and i'll always get hurt. ....and it's like Life is this endless tragedy. every morning i wake up to the same old drama, i'm never quite comfortable, always tense and worried. everything's so heavy, all the time. can't things be simple and easy for once?

i just want to disappear right now because no matter what i do, it's wrong, and i'm always the problem.

i have a profile picture on WhatsApp now:) sounds so simple but for me it's a big deal. i haven't had one in three years and at first i took it down again because the longer i was looking at it, the more imperfections i noticed.

i've been feeling embarrassed about my posts again, so i deleted some now, technically there are lots of things i could write about, but it's all so much that i don't know where to begin and where to end. yesterday i was feeling rather sad, today mostly just tired. i went for an evening walk with a friend and we talked about what's going on in his personal life. if i think about it now, i feel sort of honoured that he opened up to me like that even though he was feeling shy about it. somehow i never get the chance to be particularly vulnerable around him, but perhaps that isn't so bad because i'm able to be more receptive, calm and compassionate then...actually i'm sort of happy to see how i say all the right things and ask all the right questions. i felt the same way a few months ago, when he talked to me about how he calls a particular phase in his childhood the nazi-phase. he's a history student, so for him that's the most fitting label he can use to demonise his hurt inner child...and still he's so drawn to history as a subject...i don't know, i think it's peculiar and have been wanting to share this at some point. he really is a very kind, respectful person...sometimes too kind and polite, i feel. (...)

(:

today i went to see As You Like It at the Globe:)

i'm trying to be positive and excited, but i'm also rather terrified. it's been a long day and i was going to share a more detailed report...about how huge the airport was, that this was my first time flying on my own and my first time having to switch planes in a random city, that i've been concerned and worried about so many things, and overall just anxious. sometimes i'm calmer and then i realise again how crazy insane and unsafe this is... i thought the flight might be the hardest part, but maybe the next few days will be just as challenging? i didn't want this to be "a challenge" though...hm... now i'm in my air bnb, glad i remembered to bring my night light from home so that i can feel a tiny bit safer when i go to bed. my flat mates are making too much noise though...i dislike that. i really hope the next few days will be easier.

so today's the day, i'll get on the plane this evening. for the past few hours, and probably days, i've been feeling super anxious, stressed, nervous. i hate myself, i want to cry.

thank you:) i hope you're doing well!

i don't. i'm freaking out right now and don't know if i'll manage to let go of the anxious feelings. there's just so much uncertainty and i can never get rid of it. i really wish i could.

? does it sound too basic?

i had a rough day yesterday, but i'm really trying to let that go and see that it's all okay. this morning i woke up feeling quite excited about my upcoming trip to London:) i have already booked my flights and a room in a shared air bnb, and i'm really hoping to have a good time! it's true that i'm still having mixed feelings about it, but i'll try and focus on how exciting this will be. i've got a list of things i'd like to do and places i'd like to visit, and if i'm lucky my flat mates will be open to spending some time together as well.

in many regards i'm probably doing better than i did at the beginning of the year, but i'm still struggling. in the past few days a lot of negativity towards myself has built up again. i feel quite alone with this, i feel like no one sees or understands me. which is kind of painful. i feel like i'm ugly, fat, inferior, not good enough, not pretty enough.

my professor sent a mean reply to an email and now i feel a little bad about myself. last week i was surprised to get a very sympathetic, kind reply from him, but today he basically used very formal language to tell me "shut up and stop asking such stupid questions, bitch!" i'm generally very scared of him, because his temper seems unpredictable, and i suppose his expectations are very high.

it would be much more fun to feel all these crazy deep emotions if i was at least sure about my self-worth and personal safety throughout all of it. if that was settled and no longer up for debate, i think i'd honestly appreciate and enjoy the presence of all of my emotions so much more. if only i could feel all these emotions without needing to buy into the stories that are attached to them. if only i never had to believe even for a second that i'm unworthy or ugly or unsafe. if only i could just know i'm cute even though i'm having a meltdown. even though i'm lying on the floor and making weird noises. one of my favourite spiritual teachers talks about this quite a lot: feeling the emotion without believing the thoughts and stories. it's difficult for me to get this, but sometimes i do get it. i just don't know if that's really an option. to feel scared and sad and all sorts of things, but still know i'm cute. especially since i know that believing the stories is in fact also an option, so how do i know for sure that they're not true? and isn't the purpose of emotions to make you believe the stories, to keep you safe? sounds kind of suicidal then to desensitize myself to the degree that i'll no longer even be able to feel alarmed when things are obviously wrong...

i've had a pretty intense mental breakdown around noon, mostly because i'm hormonal and there are so many emotions, but i don't have the time to simply be and feel because i have to finish the longest term paper ever and there's so much pressure. so it's like i can't even afford to look after my emotions. it's all too much and right now i don't even know what to do or how to deal with any of it. i'm a complete mess. my neighbours heard me crying and now they'll just think i'm crazy. embarrassing. i wish somebody could hold me i wish someone could sit here next to me and stay with me, while allowing me to stay in bed and keep crying until i'm done i wish i had time to calm down, but i don't even have that. i'm expected to keep working, but maybe i can't, but maybe i have to. it's all pretty incoherent in my head so this post won't be coherent either. just stream of consciousness i guess. i can always delete it later.

do you want to be dysfunctional? or is this so upsetting to you because you don't want to be dysfunctional at all, but you see that it is still rewarded in certain contexts, by certain women? as a woman sometimes i get "rewarded" for being "dysfunctional", too. i've repeatedly been told (exclusively by men) that it's cute how i apologise a lot or stop speaking mid-sentence because i'm so insecure. knowing this makes it harder for me to stop being insecure, because i'm scared that people will think i'm no longer as cute then. perhaps you are struggling with something similar? ultimately the point should be that you don't want to be dysfunctional, cause in the end it's always you who is suffering the direct consequences. that is, if i am to assume that you used the word "dysfunctional" in its literal sense.