Judy2

@Schizophonia ... idk. i have many thoughts on this. it's okay though.

when i'm underweight or healthy? this is the part that tends to confuse (and trigger) me.

"Imagine that you are a soul without a physical body. So you don't have any access to a body to determine whether you are safe, good enough, or a goddess. Begin to imagine how you would connect with a sense of safety, being good enough, and your inner goddess, without having a physical body as a reference point. (Dont try and figure this out with the mind, just allow yourself to be playful and feel into it." (credit and a big thank you to @Wilhelm44 :)) first of all, i feel a bit stupid for never having asked this question before. i'll take some time to feel into this and observe what comes up:) also...i've been wanting to mention here that this past week, i've heard of at least two women on YouTube who want to "get in shape" for their wedding. now, this is not uncommon; it's very much socially accepted...but it also felt a bit odd to me, hearing it like that. i understand the intention of wanting to look your best for your wedding, i'll probably start thinking in similar lines before my own wedding...but there's also something odd about it, although i currently can't find the right words to describe it.

@Schizophoniaalways:)

[Trigger Warning: graphic content related to eating disorder] i've tried this before and deleted it again, but a conversation with a user here has made me think that maybe i would like to try and share this again. this is not to promote what is in the pictures. this comes from a place of no longer wanting to let the part that expresses in the pictures take hold of my entire life. this comes from a deep understanding that this didn't lead where i wanted it to lead... and yet, it comes from a place of sometimes mourning the vulnerability and fragility i was able to show and express with my body. i don't know if this is right, but maybe i just need to (or want to) lovingly let this part express and be there, even though i don't want it to mistreat my body anymore. i never wanted to be so lonely with this; i always just wanted it to be seen. i wanted to be held, and saved, and comforted. i guess i still want that today, sometimes. and that's okay. (note: these pictures are from June/July 2020; they are not from my relapse earlier this year.) just to be clear, i do not intend on making this a thing now and sharing countless pictures of this. it just felt as though this is important for me to share, at least once. i can't say if this is a wrong impulse, if this is right, or irresponsible. - if this is against guidelines, please do let me know kindly. it's just been an ongoing desire to express and share this, i believe. i do not expect any reaction. i just wished to share. that's it. maybe i'll also come around and share some more recent pictures - but for now, i believe these should stand for themselves. i hope no one feels offended by this. as i said, there is no ulterior motive in this, no asking for pity or anything. i simply felt it necessary to express this, at least once. my apologies if this is wrong.

again, this is random...but every now and then, when i think about getting pregnant and having children, i have this feeling that i might get twins. would love to, it feels a bit fated, even though i can't really explain it....i'm very curious to find out and am so looking forward to experiencing pregnancy and motherhood ♡

~

@UnbornTao @Carl-Richardok:) thank you

i slept well good body image this morning i feel comfortable in my body; my belly is doing well. feeling motivated to keep working on my thesis today:) no appointments today so i am free to go about things in a slow, relaxed pace. i really appreciate this and this has been very much needed.

pushed past the overwhelm and resistance and worked on my thesis for a few hours this evening:) i'll keep it up tomorrow. body image is still pretty okay/good this evening:) i am hoping that i'll keep making progress with my thesis tomorrow:) as exhausted as i was after my workout this morning, i think it had a pretty decent effect on my entire body. my arms and legs feel good. also, my belly is doing fine/better than last week - i'm very glad about that.

feeling a bit of tension, self-hatred, insecurity....pressure

@Carl-Richard @UnbornTaonow i feel a bit guilty?.. or like i did something wrong. like maybe you're mad at me because i'm not doing this right.

acknowledging a painful emotion: dad said something that invalidated my perception that the noises he makes in this household are uncomfortable. it felt like a sting for a second and triggered an urge to self-harm because he wouldn't believe me that this really is uncomfortable and painful to me. i find it unfair of him that he talks as though this is nothing, as though he knows that i am the one who is being delusional here, as though i am the problem and i'm delusional for being sensitive to sounds. this is painful, it really hurts me that he doesn't want to understand this. i am not going to cut myself, but this is the type of situation that really makes me want to do it. his resistance to acknowledging my sensitivity also makes me want to make it a matter of principle, and his unwillingness to be careful to my sensitivity makes me feel extra-triggered and hurt, independent of the actual noise level. - wrote him an email to say that my emotions are real for me, and that i feel hurt when he tells me otherwise. i have a feeling that gaslighting has led me to develop quite dysfunctional patterns, so maybe it's important to point it out and correct it every time it happens. and to say "no matter what you tell me, i know that my emotions are real. and i can stand by this without needing to hurt myself to show it." (i think? i don't know) i feel stressed. how am i supposed to focus on my thesis when i have such big emotional issues to handle all day?? *stressed out.

this is random but i've been thinking that maybe i'd like to train for a half-marathon, or at least a 10km run. this is the kind of thing you gotta do when you're still young, and i'd like to be able to say that i did this at least once in my life. i'm also curious to see how far i can push my body. in a loving sort of way, to gain some confidence and see what amazing things my body can accomplish if i let it. (saying this after i couldn't do my cardio after strength training today because i was too exhausted lol. i guess i'd have to train cardio on separate days for this....so i'll probably have to wait until after the thesis...otherwise, everything's a bit too much atm. but it's nice to have that goal in mind, and to slowly work my way towards it.)

good body image:) relatively calm, stress-free mood today [negatives: still procrastinating on my thesis, because my routine is that i get up early, drive into town to go to the gym....and then once i get home i feel like i need a long break and don't have the volition or energy to be productive. ...gotta find a way to fix this somehow!]

feeling unusually neutral today. i was very tired in the morning, got to the gym nonetheless, somehow pushed through my workout, felt extremely exhausted afterwards. then i dragged myself down a few blocks to have the second session with the new therapist. so far, he doesn't really make me feel anything, he bores me a little and it mostly feels like pointless intellectual discussions with him...we'll see...i'll keep having test sessions with him but there's also another therapist whom i'll meet next week, and he might be a really good fit cause he seems to know a lot about attachment trauma and so forth (he's a systemic therapist). body image is pretty good today, my belly's doing great, and my appetite is pretty well-regulated. good:)

what do i do if i (presently) notice stressors in my environment that i can't do anything about? for example, sources of noise and chaos that i can't easily get rid of, and that keep disturbing me every day.

yes, i am trying to do this:) but it's so much easier said than done.

@Wilhelm44yup, thank you:)

had a helpful call with my counsellor overcame the initial resistance and got back to working on my thesis played the piano

this one's a bit odd, but i have noticed that every time i have a writing consultation (whether that be online or in person), i get these ASMR-like effects (tingling sensations in my brain and so forth). i've had these consultations at irregular intervals throughout the past few years and it's happened very consistently in this context, but not in other similar contexts (meeting friends, or speaking with therapists 1:1 and sitting opposite them the way i would in front of my writing consultant). this also happens independent of who my consultant is and independent of their gender. ...i find this a bit odd and don't know how to explain it to myself. maybe it's about receiving this kind of close personal attention, not sure.

@Wilhelm44 hey:) sorry, i read your message but then forgot to reply. there are a couple of things that are causing chronic stress for me: 1) mental health problems, constant worries about self-worth, body image, if everything's okay with me/if something's wrong with me 2) i am quite sensitive to noise and other triggers in my environment. in the town where i go to university, i live in a building with lots of tiny apartments and i hear people in the hallway all the time. the guy in the apartment right next to mine studies music and it's super triggering for me when he practises singing. right now i am staying at my parents' house, which is a bit quieter, but when dad is home, he can be triggering, too, because he's loud and noisy and leaves his clutter everywhere. i don't know how to strike a healthy balance between seeing that i have the power to make my environment more pleasant, and accepting that apparently, no matter where i go (run), there'll always be a couple of disturbing factors in my environment. 3) my thesis - i don't know how to manage writing it. (also related to the self-worth issue, i believe). ...that being said: i have ordered the l-theanine just now, as you recommended. i also started supplementing ashwagandha a few weeks ago, but so far, i haven't noticed much of an effect from that.

@Schizophonia ok:)

hi there:) i hope this question doesn't sound all too stupid or naive...but i've been wondering if it might be worth a try to buy a blood glucose monitor and try it out for a few days to help me get a better feel for what my body's energy needs are. while i do know a lot about nutrition, i am struggling with food for emotional reasons and have difficulty understanding my fullness and satiety cues. buying a blood glucose monitor is quite a financial investment, but perhaps it might be worth it if it helps me get a better feel for what my body needs (when, how much, which combination of macronutrients). i don't plan on becoming obsessive about it, it might just be a useful tool to assist me in becoming more intuitive about my relationship with food again, and i don't plan on needing the monitor in the long term...trying it for a few weeks, though, could help me understand a few things about my intake and how it affects my mood and energy levels throughout the day. if i see a curve on paper, i could possibly match it with my intake at different times of the day and see how this affects my subjectively felt experience as well, then draw some useful conclusions based on that. i could totally do that without a blood sugar curve, but perhaps it's useful to have one nonetheless...kind of like counting the days of my cycle because then i know where i am at with my mood, hormones, and energy levels. ...i'm curious to hear if you have any thoughts on this....if this is a silly idea or if there might be something to it:) apologies if this is stupid<3

negative/challenging: i'm still quite unproductive and don't know how to proceed with my thesis/lost motivation to keep trying only watched videos all afternoon because i felt that i had no energy/motivation to be productive it's still stressful to be around dad when he gets home from work, and he was quite noisy this evening, and he makes ugly sounds when he eats and even when he drinks water hopefulness: writing consultation and counselling tomorrow; maybe this will help and give me a new idea as to how to proceed. played the piano; it felt good.