Judy2

i like using stevia as a sugar substitute. the powdered version works well for baking because it has the same volume as sugar. - any thoughts on this?

i've been wanting to share this point here....that sometimes, i'm obviously anxious when things are bad, but i'm also - very oddly - quite anxious when things that i know are usually bad (or a source of major discomfort and self-rejection) are suddenly "good". good body image, most prominently. because there's so much pressure still, knowing that the not-having it is such a huge source of suffering and self-hatred....but when it's finally good, i'm feeling anxious, clingy, paranoid, wondering how long it will last, knowing it can only last for so long. i wonder if anybody on this planet relates to this - any of the women with an ed history who've gone through phases of perceiving themselves to look good while feeling miserable, or feeling better but looking worse and feeling bad about that....or some other combination of the above. i wonder if i'm alone with that. i guess that's why seeing my own underweight body last year was such a huge trigger. because it felt so good even though i know it's not a good life when i try to maintain it....and this is still such a huge source of sadness, sometimes. and i feel alone with that. i also feel quite stupid for not choosing it and not living it when i feel the trigger - cause living out that triggered fantasy would be the greatest way of honouring it - but then it also consumes my entire life, and my life will be only that, and nothing more. ....and this is all a bit too meta but while writing this, i got triggered by some stuff (the writing and some other things), paused, thought it's not worth doing something stupid over, got triggered some more, felt too many things, couldn't cool down, did one of the things that are not good for me in the long-term. but this is where online honesty has to end because i can't share that openly...not sure how to balance this with writing about the solutions i try to find. (it's also difficult to balance being honest and expressing an authentic part of me with sounding too much like i'm supporting or promoting harmful behaviours, or showing them off in some sort of fetishistic manner,..which is not my intention!)

body image today is comparatively good, anxiety moderate.

did you want to comment in the pre-workout thread, or is this related to the sensitivities i described here? i eat 1-2 eggs a day, but not for breakfast. usually post-workout.

yes, eating or slurping sounds are pretty bad. i don't think i have autism... maybe ADD, but i don't know where to have that tested atm. people also keep talking about hypersensitivity and i wonder if there are other neurodivergence categories that would fit me better.

is that referring to the last part (reducing contact)?

@Natasha Tori Maru that's really nice to hear, thank you♡

i've got a question because i usually work out in the mornings and some of the nutrition advice that i've seen online conflicts in this regard. on the one hand, it's advised to consume around 30g of carbs (preferably simple rather than complex) to fuel the workout, which makes sense to me. on the other hand, women specifically are advised to get around 15g of protein within an hour of waking for hormonal reasons, and carbs in the morning may set you up for more of a blood sugar roller coaster later in the day. as i (currently) don't want to have my full breakfast before i work out and prefer to eat more after i am finished, i wonder what the macros of an ideal pre-workout snack, which is simultaneously my first 'meal'/snack of the day, should look like. so far i've been focussing more on carbs but idk if that is really beneficial or not.

i don't know how, but i'm suddenly feeling good this evening? still a little anxious, and the anxiety will keep coming...but i'm also feeling a bit of enthusiasm or something? or maybe relief because i got some things sorted for the weeks to come, and now there's a bit more space for the excitement to shine through (which i didn't even know existed at this point, with all the stress to cover it up)...i'm leaving on sunday and starting my first placement on monday. anyway, i randomly polished my nails and now they're nice and shimmery. reflecting the light really nicely. i also played the piano earlier while wearing my white cardigan with the black details on the sleeves. this put me into a bit of a poetic mood for a few seconds, as it had before, when it made me think how, as in life, melodies on the piano are played by combining black and white keys. fittingly, i also bought that cardigan about a year ago when i was in hospital and on my last day, i was sat there in that sweater with everybody, playing chess.... on a black and white board. what a vibe. people like to say "it's not black and white". well, it is. it's black AND white...and also red. and yellow. and green. and blue. and violet. and on and on. with a bit of glitter, too. i used to enjoy saying that as a little girl (the glitter part was really important).

@Natasha Tori Maru thank you for sharing:)

yes, i googled it and it's called misokinesia, which is related to misophonia. but it definitely gets worse with certain groups of people. i don't feel good about myself when i'm so mean and unfriendly around family. usually i'm trying to be very friendly and polite, but around them i just can't cause i feel so much disgust and pressure. maybe the only solution is to reduce my interactions with them again, but idk if that is me being impulsive and reactionary or realistic.

i keep thinking about - and sometimes stressing about - my career prospects. my latest idea is that i might want to study nutrition, but then i started stressing about how complicated it will be to apply, etc. idk if it's okay to stop thinking about something once i start stressing about it. that seems like a recipe for procrastination... but maybe it's enough for today and i can continue tomorrow.

i think it's okay to be frustrated at this for some time....but after a while it can flip and even partial love is seen as Love? so you can start to appreciate the beauty of gestures that you recognise as "immature" or "temporary"in their development, too. for example, if you watch a movie that's very stage blue and it celebrates forms of love that are a bit limited and conservative....once you get to the other stages and watch that movie again, it can be disheartening. but then you can also reach a point where you look back and appreciate the love and beauty and see that it "counts" regardless.

@Eskilon yes i've thought about this before. i don't have the perfect answer but i guess if you're wise and open-minded, this conflict is resolved (at least partially) with age and life-experience (?).

@PsychedelicEagle okay thank you for explaining.

i agree on the first one, but the second point i'm still figuring out tbh:)

okay:) just out of curiosity, are you vegetarian or vegan? do you have any implicit guidelines when selecting your meals, e.g. by focussing on whole foods or cutting out particular food groups?

i don't know....personally, i don't like eating late at night, either. from what i've seen online and discussed with my dietitian, eating in the morning isn't a bad idea because it counteracts the natural cortisol response after waking up. but nutrition is always so confusing because there are so many conflicting messages out there and even nutritionists keep contradicting each other. so who knows....

... feels so much better now that i have a word for it.

i did some research and this is called misokinesia. along with my misophonia, it's an expression of a more general sensory processing sensitivity. potentially related to autism or ADD...but i don't think i'm autistic. would like to have this checked professionally but appointments probably aren't easily available.

had a nice time at the gym this morning and body image was better than in the days before. i can already see my arms and legs getting a bit more toned again, which is encouraging and what i had hoped for. other than that, i just needed a lot of rest today, but now i'm starting to worry about the future again. the close future and the more distant one, my body, my job, whether i'll feel okay, what will become of me.... anxious. but i'll do my best and it'll be okay.

feeling anxious ... nervous because in February i'll be in an unknown city for an internship and i'm worried about the environment and how i'll manage to eat, because that's always hard on me. i know it's important for my cv and just in general that i expose myself to more stuff in life, but i feel bad thinking of how it'll be too much, and i feel guilty for trying to eat enough when everything else is chaos so i shouldn't be able to. and if i eat enough, at least i should cut my arm to compensate for the guilt. i also seriously wonder how all those people online can go on diets without getting anxious when travelling or around family. how they can do all the fitness nutrition blabla stuff without getting sucked into an eating disorder, because some things they talk about seem that way but then somehow they manage to act normal and relaxed when eating outside and away from home. i don't get how they do it. (seriously triggered by all the content i consume but i feel like it's wrong of me to be triggered by it, but i still am and i feel stupid. i'm also stupid because i keep watching all those videos but i can't help it because i'm forcing myself to 'face it', i guess. these videos probably aren't made for people with the kind of past that i have....but still it's such a struggle. i feel so stupid for trying to be healthy and i hate myself.) i also don't want to be healthy around my family but i want to feel good but around my family i just can't; they're too much (billions of triggers from the moment i wake up to the second i fall asleep at night, and sometimes waking up in the middle of the night from noise). so the conclusion is the same as when i turned 18: i can't be around them, i hate them, i just want to get rid of them. ....feeling triggered it's weird to be a little older and wiser and to know for myself that i want to be well and healthy, but around family i just can't, i have to be self-destructive to keep safe. puts me in such a weird place, weird conflict. and i also don't want to "betray" my 18 year old self who had become very good at reacting to this environment....i don't wanna lessen the validity of all that she went through by acting less affected than she did when she was here....because she was quite affected, quite deeply, and i don't want to negate that because it was SO real for me - and the triggers are the exact same in their intensity now, if not worse. and i hate how my parents always think of me as the broken one in need of fixing, and if i stopped my behaviours they'd think it's all good, and never stop to question their side of things. which they never do anyway.

that's pretty amazing. i used to be really scared of squids and octopuses, but over time this has turned into fascination.

been experiencing more dysregulation and resulting behaviours today, as i have been for the past week. i'm trying to lean into self-compassion even though that doesn't reduce the external triggers. and i guess the dysregulation is definitely something that has me feeling lonely, especially when i feel i can't openly discuss it with the people around me....so sometimes i want to come here and blurt it all out (which i'm holding back on rn, at least when it comes to the details of the triggers and behaviours). ...i'm thinking that i'd like to buy myself a beautiful physical notebook again and take more private notes to process these everyday challenges. sorry for all the notes on "dysregulation" these days - don't know how else to call it, but maybe this word has been too excessive in here. watching a documentary with my brother now. i love him very much. also been playing the piano and embroidering today, which has been nice and helpful.

i'm wondering again if this journal is too self-centred (probably) and if there are privacy concerns here, given that i have this weird, oddly personal online journal with a not-so-anonymous profile. don't really know how it could be different though. - i just wonder how selfish it is of me to have a journal to only talk about myself (my emotions, struggles, experiences), but then again, that's also kind of the nature of a diary? besides, i'm also hoping that sometimes there's a spark of relatability in here, or that my honesty can be inspiring? at least at times. not always. nowhere near always. i also wonder if it feels off to you that i always blurt out "i feel x" and "now i feel y and z". it probably comes across as immature or needy. that's not my intention - it's mostly an attempt at self-regulation to even just label what's going on for me. but maybe the intention doesn't matter and it's still immature and needy...not sure.