Judy2

@Grateful Dead i noticed that, too. might explain why i find this so difficult. making decisions is THE WORST.

@Rishabh Rcongrats:) sounds like you did a good job!

@Davinothat sounds great! yeah, i should definitely also schedule another appointment with my professor.

@kbonethank you:) and i guess i can see where you're coming from:)

@UnbornTaookay i will check that out:) thank you!

@kboneidk...i remember having a lot of fun during a seminar a few years ago where i learned how to prepare more engaging presentations. plus individual slides are easier to shove around and my psychological blockages aren't as intense this way. if i take too many notes on paper, i'll force myself to copy those word by word later on and waste a lot of time doing that. been there...

So i figured i'll prepare a power point presentation with the goal of giving a 40 minute introductory talk to my mum. That way, I'll have to put things in a comprehensive order and if I record and then transcribe the talk, I'll probably get a good 20 pages out of that and that'll be a good foundation to work with. Then I can add in some more quotes from secondary sources as I move along. ....something like that. thank you:) i'll do that, too. unfortunately, yes. i am working on that...

@kboneI've already got about 200 pages of notes (all very incoherent though) and need to hand in a maximum of 50 in the end. The major difficulty lies in organising it all, also because the secondary literature includes a mixture of "big-picture" insights, as well as some very specific "small-picture" level type of information and interpretations. Somehow that's very confusing to me because I don't know how to prioritise these things/if I should just select things at random. Also, editing a 200 page-long document is extremely difficult because my memory is not sufficient to remember all the tiny bits I could potentially include or move around. That also makes it difficult to temporarily delete stuff because it will probably get lost forever, even though it's useful (even juicy/brilliant - stuff that will look good if it makes it into the final version) information. I tried to work around that by having a "discarded" file, but that file itself is probably a 100 pages long and too much to memorise, so I don't have a good overview and lose sight of all the information I could potentially include....so it becomes difficult to decide where to include it, if my memory is too limited to look at all the information all at once.

@kbonethank you so much:) i'll take some time to keep trying and come back if i run into any more problems.

i'm really trying but neither of these strategies seem to work

i paused the project for a couple of weeks, but am trying to get back into it again and could use some advice to help me trouble-shoot as i identify all of the problems i am having during the process....which is why i am turning to this thread again. the amount of notes i am facing again is completely overwhelming and i'm not sure how to approach this now. would you say it's best to work my way down, i.e. take the 200 pages and start cutting things out? or should i start a completely new document and write things from scratch, based on what i remember? and then select the best quotes, essentially in order to "decorate" my own summaries? i've tried both strategies before and given up on both of them as things got too overwhelming... so i'm really not sure which approach is going to be worth another try.

like, maybe i do want other people, but i want people who just 'get me'. who know exactly what i need and how to interact with me. how to talk to me, comfort me, and take care of me. talking in extremes again: someone who knows me better than i know myself, who knows what i need more than i would know myself. basically someone who can read my mind, decipher every emotion, ... and so on.

paradoxically, after a long day of stress, overstimultion, being surrounded by too many human beings, and missing my peace and quiet (along with a good dose of social isolation...) ...i also feel re-emerge this desire to be held, cuddled, squeezed. haven't really felt that in months.

@meta_male ok:)

continuing today's psychoanalysis and putting things together... ... again: apparently, you just can't have it right with me. i want people to tell me what to do and take zero responsibility for myself. i want to stop existing as a real entity, have someone or something else reabsorb me, and explain to me what to do with myself, because i've got no clue. yet, i feel so hurt and threatened by their mere presence (maybe like nothing they offer is good enough for me?) i want to be CHOKED, because i feel so cold on my own, but then i quickly start complaining about the heat. i know i don't do well in isolation - but i seem to hate company. (..."i hate you - don't leave me.")

@meta_male it's a little bit concerning to me that it's always when i'm being explicitly toxic or sharing about dysfunctional patterns that people start complimenting me on my authenticity

...admittedly, it's also quite an immature (though desperate) way of saying "hey, look, i am hurting in this environment" i could also just say that with words, without writing it down on my skin. it'd be less impressive, but perhaps more functional long-term.

@meta_male:). i'm actually not sure if they're a bit too real/triggering atm....so if anyone feels bothered, please let me know and i'll remove them. most of the time i struggle with censoring myself and deleting a lot of posts, but things and perspectives have become so chaotic lately that i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

really missing my "safe space". it's actually quite a big, fundamental topic that i will need to discuss in therapy. the vulnerability i feel when exposed to other people's moods, permeated by their impulses.... it's intense. i feel like they can cut right through me. so much so that ironically, cutting my own skin feels like a relief. feels bearable. tolerable. gentle.

so there's no centre, no rules, no stability.... absolutely nothing "real" to hold onto...but i still have to pretend like there is? even if it means engaging in dysfunctional behaviour from time to time....apparently that's the only thing that can ground me, for now. at least for where i'm at. i don't really see any alternatives right now. need a bit of dysfunction to keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me grounded.... a bit of self-harm here, a bit of dieting there. otherwise there'd be chaos and i'd be completely, utterly lost and unsteady.

might not have borderline after all, but some other kind of combined/mixed personality disorder.

my urge to fully live from a state of infantile immaturity and lack of responsibility is astounding, too. it's amazing how burdened one can be by one's own existence.

feeling incredibly existentially overwhelmed, anxious, and troubled again. and scared. overwhelmed. spoke with an emergency psychologist and he had the most calming presence ever. it's astounding. walking through the woods now. the woods are astounding, too. i'm a mess, i'm scared, i'm troubled.

right now there's some clarity that the belief in "people" is false. i'm not a person, and those "people" out there are a belief that appears and disappears from time to time. no wonder i'm struggling so hard when trying to make sense of myself as a person. the whole thing is completely backwards and antithetical to direct experience. there's no person in my direct experience....there's Life, there's Me, occasionally engaging, toying with, and getting frustrated by, a concept of a person that i have created. no wonder i'm despairing every time i try to make sense of myself as a person....i'm simply not a person. (not writing this from a place of psychological dissociation....i think. just from observing direct experience. and i'm writing it down cause it might help when i'm overthinking too much.) ...i'm a bit scared that you guys think i'm crazy by now.

some more thoughts i've been having lately... it's weird how central of a role mental illness has played in my life. i don't even know why, i feel like nothing bad has happened to justify this, and the fact itself is a bit weird...but this is just what it's always been like....a trippy reality to be thrust into, for sure. a strange world i find myself in. thinking "i am sick, and it's not my fault" in the woods today resulted in another abrupt outburst of tears, until i walked on casually. i keep thinking how much of an autonomous, self-responsibile child i was. my mother would have been there to parent and support me, but i actively resisted that...nowadays, i wish so badly for something (or someone) to relieve me of all responsibility, of every minute decision. the other day, shortly before i entered another dissociative episode, i remember going to the shops and thinking how i'm a type of person who's just very lost....so lost that i want others to get real close, get so close they suffocate me and burn my skin....which is usually something i end up complaining about, too. you really can't have it right with me.