Judy2

a lot of stress and a lot of emotion lately....

i don't know if it's right that i'm dealing with this all on my own. maybe i shouldn't, maybe there should be some kind of support, someone guiding me. maybe that would be legitimate. (maybe it's evil that i'm trying to cope with this all on my own? maybe i should be too weak to succeed, should be more of a victim, should be sicker...) i don't know it's a lot

i'm still the same girl who's got no idea what she's doing or where she's going no idea if this is right, but i'll just come to terms with that, and allow myself to feel ...is that the way to handle that? not sure. how the hell would i know. ...just living... ...Gosh, i'm scared of Life. terrified. terrified of being alive. but here i am.

i don't know....i'm a mess. i'm scared.

maybe it's stupid to go, maybe it's unwise but i want it anyway i have to do everything on my own anyway, so i'll do this on my own. okay?

GOSH i'm SCARED and everything is so COMPLEX but this. is. right. aaah. and it'll be REAL, of course. and we all know i'm scared of Reality. but i want this. OH God. ...been wondering, too, if i'll dissociate when i get there. i might. if so, i know how to deal with that now. or i might indeed stay sober. i don't know which one will be worse. they're equally terrifying. God, i wish i could AVOID this forever. but i can't escape Reality anyway...one version of Reality, i'll have to live. (interpret, interpret, interpret, be anxious!, make sure it's the right one!) i can't have Perfection, i can't know what'll happen ...but i know i want this. i'm imperfect, maybe i'm even ugly maybe i'm too weak and broken to make everything "go right" but i want this ....ah, ah, ah... like i said, those feels i was talking about

maybe if i go back for some wrong reason, out of a wrong, impure motivation, out of the wrong context i'll "ruin the story" my beautiful life story that i am so anxious to protect, so anxious to write "right", so anxious to control, to "make it go right", to make sure i'll make it out of the story as the beautiful, virtuous heroine. make it out looking good, so i should be anxious and make sure nothing goes wrong (interpret, interpret, interpret). i really shouldn't mess this up. ...I DON'T CARE. i want to go back. my heart wants me to go. because i have a soul, i may be harsh and cold at times but Gosh i care about my home and my parents (and my brother!) and that beautiful house, that beautiful village where i spent so many years of my life. i want to go back...simply because i can...and may. out of all the things in the world, i know i want this. so i'll just go and get it.

i don't know if this makes sense, or if it has to make sense i'm scared i'm terrified but i'll just do this and see what happens and give myself some time to feel through all the things i'll feel i'm ready hit me

...i think? i'm still scared. but i don't care. out of all the things that i don't know, i do know that a return to my hometown, the place where i grew up, where i spent my childhood, where my parents live, my brother lives! ...would be meaningful, would be something that i want, and all else is something i'll figure out later.

i wanted to preface this by saying that "emotionally, i'm a mess"...but that's what i say all the time, nothing new about that. i made the decision that i'll be visiting my parents next week. i haven't been at their house, let alone near my hometown, in five long years. and MY HEART IS TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD GO now, i don't know if this is right. i don't know if my motivation is right...it's shades of grey, as usual. but all the whiteness and blackness of my Soul is telling me that i should go, that i want to go, that i need to go... that i'm terrified, but if people do want me being decisive, and if making mistakes is okay, if perfection isn't required ...i should go. simply because i want to. for all the wrong reasons, and for all the right reasons, too. i'm done analysing if this is "healthy me" or "sick me" wanting this. i want this. i'm scared, and circumstances aren't ideal...they never were in five years, of course. it's brave that i want to go regardless, i think. and i'll be a mess, going back. i'll feel all the feelings being back. i'm prepared for that. i want that. i'm brave, and i am strong. and i'll be happy, coming back after all those years.

@meta_male thank you:)

@meta_male yeah idk if it's right that i feel a desire to share those pictures. maybe that's just a very toxic, disordered part of me that wants them to be seen.

guess the ones with my face on it look a bit more friendly, at least a tiny bit less ostensibly disordered a tiny bit more like there's an actual girl, an actual soul living in there which is what i wanted to be seen all along and maybe i'd want it to be seen now but i can't really find an appropriate place to share those pictures...so i'll have to contend myself for now, maybe try again later

okay let's try (edit: tried, deleted)

balance, not black and white but shades of grey, that's scary that's groundless chaos unknown territory ...anarchy, like i said where do i hold onto? is there anything my hands could grasp? or is it all just free-fall forever

if i'm honest, this is pretty good. maybe i should be proud of myself, it's taken long enough to get to this point. it's just weird that these realisations come in spirals. they're truthful, but then i go on to see and feel that it still matters what i'll be like as a person (if i'm likeable, if people think i'm smart, and pretty, and all those kinds of things), and i'll still have to worry about that in the future, at least to some extent. so there'll be a balancing act, which sounds kind of exhausting.

if i get up and try, i'll stumble, i'll be clumsy, i'll fall

i want to be good, and beautiful, and happy i am small i feel tiny

what if i'm bad at trying, what if i do things wrong, what if i mess things up then it's all MY fault

which is what i've been doing all along just sometimes with a tad too much stubbornness a tad too much stubbornness, and perfectionism. wanting to get it all right 100% of the time, because if i don't, i'd be exposed, i'd realise what i just realised, that i can't know and don't know, and that i'm clueless, and that all i can do is try. try my best, based on a hunch. every second of every day. with no clue where any of it is leading. hell, that's scary. but i guess it's more true than pretending i could know, or "figure things out", "decipher where things are supposed to lead". i can't, i don't. all i can do is try, and then live with the consequences. ouch.

i'm here and i don't have a clue what i'm doing or where any of this is leading...and that's okay. guess this is the point where i should still, heavy-heartedly, try and promise to myself to take good care of myself and to *try*, again and again, to act in my own best interest like long-term and stuff ...oh

those past few years, i have created so much anxiety for myself because of this expectation that I. NEED. TO KNOW.. WHAT'S RIGHT. i can't know i don't know there's no way to know there's no way to understand or predict or plan or philosophise, predestine, foresee, forecast all the things that are going to happen and what they mean and what they'll say about me and who i am and who i was and who i'll become and if i'm good, if i was ever destined to be good or appropriate or acceptable all those worries are so pointless, they don't lead anywhere, i'm done Life is chaos Anarchy i accept that. i accept that i am ignorant and alone and helpless, clueless in my decisions, in my actions, in my attempts to "make things right" i'm blind and clueless and small, anything but omniscient, i can't know everything, i don't have the vision or power to control everything can't even control or construct myself or who i'll be, i'm powerless...or at least not all-powerful which is fine

...i wrote the above post almost like i'm grounded and well-reflected, but the truth is i've had one of the messiest days again. pretty stressful especially around noon and in the afternoon... oh well. and apparently i'm expected to make decisions now and what not. i could freak out, but the truth is i don't even care anymore. it's not like any of it makes a difference anyway. i'll come out alive and well, somehow, eventually. things have gotten so chaotic and i have no clue what i'm doing anymore, or what i'm gonna do... so much so that at this point i'm just rolling with it, no longer see the point in expending energy to worry. it's pointless anyway, i never have any clue what i'm doing (or what i should do or where any of this is leading/ is "supposed" or "destined" to lead), so i might as well stop pretending i do, or will, and just decide things on a hunch, there's no planning things anyway, it seems. there's no logicking and rationalising, no knowing....just a bunch of hunches, second after second. it's a lie anyway, a lie they're trying to make me believe, that there could be a point when i would make a true, definitive, official, right decision, and that would be it. it's just a bunch of hunches, second to second, a bunch of instincts, not knowing, a giant mess. i've come to terms with this, i accept this now. there's nothing guiding me anyway, nothing but my own cluelessness. that's okay. there's no knowing what comes next. i'm free, i'm relieved from the stress of trying so hard to know, needing to know, needing to understand or predict, when it's all futile. i accept that it's futile, accept that i can't know, that i'm clueless and ignorant in all those decisions i make, and that's okay. i can't always know what's right or good, i'm giving up on that expectation, i am released.

first of all, i apologise for all the excess. had a bit too much caffeine before all those entries yesterday, in case anyone was wondering. there's another point, another perspective i've been wanting to add to the table because i feel like it nicely rounds off this discussion. in recent weeks i've come to observe that when i witness "problem behaviour" in others nowadays, it no longer spikes my jealousy or makes me triggered in any way. instead, it makes it easier to see the absurdity of all those behaviours (specifically thinking of self-harm and cutting here, and also restrictive eating/being underweight). when i know someone engaged in self-harm, i just want to say i'm sorry you had to do that to yourself. yes, i understand that you were under so much pressure, but girl, it's sad you had to do that to yourself. and when i see someone who's underweight (either in real life or in a photo), my reaction can either be that i see their lack of health (like everybody else) and even think they'd look better being healthy...or sometimes i do see that beauty that i would also find appealing about being underweight myself. what i don't necessarily see is "oh they're so innocent"...it's not the first thing that would occur to me. but yeah, in some cases, from some angles, my brain still thinks looking skinny and sick is beautiful. it's an instantaneous recognition...and i wonder if healthy people would see this too, if you showed them the right picture from the right angle. perhaps yes. anyway, what's progress, too, is that these days i can also look at people who have healthy bmis and envy the stability, the groundedness that comes with being in the "normal" bmi range. might have mentioned this before? 16 year old me would have never thought in those lines....18 year old me would have just envied them for all the food they could eat, but not necessarily for their health and well-being.

i know these thoughts probably don't make sense to anyone, but they're so utterly, utterly real and true to me me, me, me the me reflected in the mirror who is writing these lines, about her conflict, while looking a certain way, which is part of the conflict....and on and on. Life is so so much, so strangeloopy, and so messy. sorry if this is too chaotic, sorry if this is too much, sorry if i'm too much here.