Judy2

eternally stagnant and everything

can you accept the guilt and the resistance? allow it to unfold as it is?

hey....i appreciate the time and effort you put into being there for your dad. i also acknowledge that you feel quite overwhelmed. i wonder if there is any chance you could get support in the home? maybe just for one hour a day, so that you can focus on your own goals. it might also help improve the relationship between you and your dad by removing some of the tension. if it's not possible to employ someone professionally, maybe it would be an idea to reach out to your siblings and describe the situation. just because you're single, doesn't mean you're the only one responsibile for helping your dad. maybe you can reach an agreement to split the hours more evenly.

probably:)

@Nivsch i have difficulty getting clear on the exact percentages, and i tend to get distracted by surface level stuff or the occasional shadow coming up.

okay, thanks for pointing that out! i wouldn't know where exactly to situate myself on the spiral anyway. feels like i'm all over the place

not sure if i'd be comfortable sharing that with him.... i'm a total gatekeeper when it comes to my parents

this last week, i feel love and an odd sense of appreciation for the apartment i've been living in for the past five and a half years. as much as i felt unsafe about the location, lost, situated in the middle of nowhere, in some unknown city i didn't really form a great relationship with....this tiny room of mine has been a safe place - a prison and an uncomfortable comfort zone where i felt utterly unsafe most of the time, but yes, also a safe place - for so long. i'm sad to be moving on, but also know it's right...and i'm glad i can conclude this chapter with a sliver of appreciation, despite everything. makes it even more emotional to remember that i came here, 61 lbs, dying, and despite the odds, i lived, God wanted me to live, i wanted me to live. i hardly think about this anymore, but my time here in this city started under quite precarious physical, mental, and emotional circumstances, followed by my first awakening experience. it's also how i met one of my best friends here in this town, and soon i'll be handing her my goodbye letter. it feels heavy. although i've been wanting to leave for so long, now i almost wish i could stay longer. perhaps that's the best time to be leaving though....otherwise i'd just get stuck in a rut again and feel contemptuous about this place, as i have before. i'm happy to be leaving with love and gratitude, even though my time here has been tough 99% of the time. i'll still look back and see Love:) thank God♡

@TruthFreedomok then i misunderstood:)

@Leo Gura ok thank you:)

@Leo Gurado you think my stage orange dad would resonate with it? he's a physicist and i've tried talking to him about mystical interpretations of scientific theory, but he shut down. i wonder if spiral dynamics would open his mind or if he'd dismiss it.

ideally, i'd like to find an affordable place to go in January next year. a Vipassana retreat might be a bit too hardcore, but perhaps someone can recommend a retreat that's a bit more accessible? could also be fitness or yoga related.

@Lord of Darknessi felt that the disrespectful tone of the message distracted from the argument you were trying to make, so i reported it. don't know what happened to the comment after that.

i am concerned that it might be too much, too destabilising. but then again, what good is "stability" when it's really just being stuck and avoidant? i hate how much of an extremist i am in life. i've never known equilibrium. i'm scared of myself. i always mess things up and make stupid decisions that i end up regretting, that end up hurting me.

i am experiencing fear and concern about the next few months....how i'll spend them in limbo, not knowing what's next, before settling somewhere new. i was so eager to leave this place, but now i feel sad - and scared, most of all. i know it's right, necessary, and long overdue to force myself into this position of needing to reevaluate my life's set-up, rather than blindly staying stuck all day. i've been so desperate for change, for so long. but i'm still sad and scared. which is okay.

do you have a therapist? even if enlightenment occurs, schizophrenia can still be difficult to navigate and it may be helpful to have some support. ...saying this as someone who has experienced very spiritual degrees of dissociation as a stress-response:) i think one doesn't necessarily exclude the other, but mental illness isn't as easily transcended as we tend to wish. even after awakening, it's still a good idea to continue receiving professional support if it's accessible to you:)

yes this resonates. i think it's a good point that being human is relatively complex and takes awareness to navigate well. the last paragraph also makes sense, but for me it's still difficult to grasp. how can i enable this shift in my attitude, and, more importantly, how can i make it last for longer intervals? whenever i experience this, it's brief and very fickle.

@UnbornTao okay, i understand what you're saying and imo it makes perfect sense that you're recommending to be more present and grounded in reality. i just feel a bit stupid and ashamed now, given that i'm so delusional and weird. past present and future maybe i'm a little too honest sometimes. just dumping all my ugliness here for the world to see....i am sorry.

i feel glad that i see this, at least for now. feels important. what a pity i keep forgetting this...but i suppose that's also a part of it.

in the past few days, i've been thinking every now and then that it would feel liberating to be more conscious in day-to-day life of the fact that all the things i identify with and acquire in life, all the things that weigh me down or that i'm anxious about, won't accompany me to my grave. there's nothing good nor bad that will stick with me forever. none of these things are my "essence". and i don't need to wait until i die to be aware of this. if i keep reminding myself of this, it'll probably make my life a lot easier. or maybe at least a little bit. because most of my life struggles, most of my suffering, stir from all this mental attachment and anxiety over the things i am, i am not, i have, i may not get, i am anxious to keep, anxious to exorcise and keep away from me, etc., etc., etc. academic degrees and what not. i want to be free, want to be light, most of all. i am free, i am light (:

that reminds me of Ralston's book again probably a stupid comparison, but sometimes i get lost craving some sort of war or apocalypse, which is pretty much the polar opposite of all the comfort i commonly cling to. my life would be easier, in a way, if there was more challenge in it. i'd have more structure and know what to do if there was this sense of constant physiological urgency. it would also strip me off all the things i get so hung up about that truly don't matter as much as i think they do. in a sense, i'd connect so much more with myself and think less about all the imaginary things i've acquired after my birth that i will never take with me in death, anyway. maybe that idea is liberating, and maybe i'd feel better about myself if my life was harder. less inadequate and self-conscious. lighter. i find it interesting to ask what exact elements of "the apocalypse" i'm missing in every day life. the sense of adventure, the "freedom" and lack of attachment, being required to rely more on social connection...? of course i'd be the first to say i hate it and in the past i always said i'd wanna die and not even try to survive in such a scenario just to save myself all the hustle... but it's still valuable to think about this, i find. maybe it tells me something about my present needs, and some of the changes i need to make to my life, more so than relying on external pressure (e.g. a real apocalypse) forcing me to adapt my attitude....maybe i can gain some of the benefits of living in the apocalypse without needing to let it come to that lol. (maybe that's a bit like making changes before cancer or whatever forces you to do that.) my brother is a lot different. running ultra-marathons and stuff. i'm trying to be more like him in that regard. at least a little bit. sorry for all the rambling:)

@NewKidOnTheBlock ok:)

@NewKidOnTheBlock for some reason, i find short term leaps easier than long term consistency with small steps. at least that's what i tell myself. i like going to the gym because the machines give me a bit of security. when i do the motion unassisted, i'm scared i might do something wrong. i have a weird relationship with my body so it feels as though the machines have lowered the bar to start exercising. besides, going to the gym consistently is a good socialising opportunity for me (just to see a few familiar faces every other day, because i don't have many other consistent appointments in my schedule).

@Schizophonia oopsie completely off topic, but i seriously don't get why you like Freud so much. (i hope that's Freud in the gif?) i'm generally quite open-minded when it comes to psychological theory, but he's a bit bonkers. i don't get the whole thing about incest and why prohibition is such a big deal. i mean i do get it in House of the Dragon lol...but i don't get it when it's presented as such a foundational principle that might be the core of all dysfunction in relationship dynamics.

@UnbornTao i think avoidance is my middle name at this point, so yes...