Sugarcoat

I understand. For a human it’s a lot to stomach that even torture is “infinite love”

It’s ok For absolute majority suffering ends when we die Some even say enlightenment isn’t end to suffering So who knows The guy in the video I sent about mindfulness and pain has at least transcended the physical. But he had to go through a lot to get to that point I don’t know if Buddha achieved it in his life

So the awareness the person has is the same as reality altogether?

I can kinda relate. I have experienced flow of energy upwards in my body up to my skull like a release. Also a lot of energy felt flowing during sleep paralysis. Also having visions of the crown chakra.

Yes I understand. Enlightenment won’t necessarily lead to an understanding of the brain/mind (maybe they are relative concepts) Thanks for your answer! I resonate with what you write here on the forum, you seem genuine In my own life, I kinda have noticed how it’s my mind that creates or at least contributes to my sense of self. And it seems it’s the brain that produces the mind. And how it’s like also an energetic structure And I relate so much to what you say about the energetic tension! I have not experienced a ~total~ loss of self, but I have experienced a gradual weakening of the self, a kind of dissolution of some of the layers to it. And the softer it got, the less tension in the body and mind, it’s actually crazy! I felt it like energetic knots, particularly in abdomen for example. I do feel though that my brain/mind still does this activity of upholding the self, why it does that, must be just how it’s designed to do, idk If enlightenment is to do with the brain, then things that could rewire the brain such as meditation and psychedelics maybe can increase the likely hood of the self dropping…. Just my 2 cents

Thanks

It was before the partial loss of self

Well since you’re asking.. It sounds weird even for a forum like this but I experienced a gradual loss of self to the point of ending up almost without a center and I’d like my self back lol A normal person could have a negative self image but but I’d be content with a neutral one

Ok cool because you write very elaborate

I feel disconnected but not lost. I don’t know what your definition of “doing nothing” is. I am currently on vacation with family and I feel the same as when I am at home in my room alone I tend to be detached like that. It’s both a curse and a blessing The only thing I’ve found that has significant affect on my psyche is very intense cardio so I plan on doing that more when I get home (if I follow up on this plan, it can be hard to motivate myself to do it sometimes) Also psychedelics ofc. I have done only little bit of that but it’s risky at the moment, my parents caught me once and I live with them I have done meditation in the past consistently, about 1 hour a day, it wasn’t enough to produce mystical experience for me except maybe once, nowadays I don’t feel strong enough desire to awaken to get me to do that in large amounts. But that could be something that could affect my psyche if I did it

Same I was worse maybe a year ago

If I felt like I existed like a normal person

I thought so too Well I am liberated from most needs. I dont have need for any particular self image. I dont have need for relationships. I dont have need to fit in or approval. The only fear I have is something like getting tortured. And maybe if I’m gonna take a psychedelic I’d be scared of having a bad trip if I take large dose So I’m free from most desires and fears. When my self was in the process of dissolving, my life would feel richer sometimes . But it was when I reached almost the end (meaning almost no center left) that reality started to become empty. Imagine that it feels like you’re reaching the end of reality. Like you’re almost at a point where everything seems empty It’s missing the fullnesss, richness, love aspect . That how it was for me If my self dissolved 100% maybe I would experience the richness and aliveness But for me having almost no self felt like dead reality

Are you asking that because you wanna help me?

I have transcended most desires. But new different desires haven’t arisen . I am simply devoid of most desires

I bet psychoanalysis doesn’t deal with the effect of excessive self dissolution on the brain

Basically you’re normal. Most people are pretty focused outside themselves. I am not like that. I don’t immerse myself in anything outside myself. I am immersed in my own internal experience, my inner world. The outer world doesn’t grab my attention. I’m disengaged from it I wanna do psychedelics. I feel it’s one of the very few things that affect me Other outside circumstances don’t affect me. I feel the same on vacation as at home. I feel the same every season of the year. I feel the same no matter who I am with, even if I like the person.

@Xonas Pitfall Do you write your posts yourself or use ai?

I find I am okay with not having great reason to live so that’s something I got down I feel odd anywhere I go so I can relate to that! Great that you’ve went in a positive direction!

Repression makes it sound like something is actively holding something down, caused by some belief “this is not moral” “this isn’t pure” (if you’re religious for example) or “this is taboo”. I don’t have anything like that. I don’t have a belief or self image I try to protect, (like being stoic, when I say I’m stoic I’m not attached to that image, it’s just descriptive of how I am nowadays) But sure if your definition of repression includes what I deal with then yes it could be that

Repressed is not the same as unconscious phenomena . Unconscious simply means going on in the background, not in conscious experience. Repressed means it’s some mechanism holding it back. In my case it’s that I experience a disconnect from my self , my inner life, so it’s like it’s not being able to “reach me” like the pathways in the brain have been sewered. It’s not the same as repressed

It’s not unbearable as of yet luckily

When I tried 5 Meo dmt (small dose) I experienced a kind of emptiness/nothingness. There was not really anything positive about it But I am open to the fact that it might have been the dose I took so I could have different experience if I tried again and yes it’s something I’d like to try I am not self less. It’s just that I have a very small self because most of it dissolved for me In my past : I could get attached to a crush I had, since my self almost dissolved I don’t get attached to anyone anymore I used to be attached to looking a certain way. I am not attached to my appearance anymore, that disappeared when my self started to dissolve I used to have social anxiety and I was attached to having a confident, charming self image. Now that’s all gone I used to have as a child chronic existential anxiety, that’s all gone Instead of all of this, which disappeared when I dissolved layers to my self: now different problems arose I barely feel I exist That creates a kind of emptiness Its almost like walking around in a constant void (almost, not completely because I’m not completely gone) It is like everything is a bit hollow and lacks richness Makes sense? If my sense of self was 100% dissolved maybe this problem would resolve Thats amazing you found a reason! Yes it could be worse after death so better stay here so long we can somehow handle it

I feel my condition is due to brain wiring so I’d have to rewire brain to change it

Bipolar sounds so tough! Ive never fit in either! I have always been very quiet i have no attempts either! I think its because I haven’t reached my absolute limit yet Stress can be tough! Luckily I don’t have a lot of that. What I have instead is this severe emptiness, dpdr(kinda), and slight constant depression It’s definitely hard to keep going sometimes!