Sugarcoat

Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, i think it’s more about my own access to my own sexuality or something Some guys pay attention to me. It happens sometimes , it’s usually neutral to me, how I experience it. And if I do enjoy it, I go into panic mode I can be hot in my “energy”, but the raw physical appearance is the difficulty for me meeting that long list seems almost harder than meeting my idea Hahahha

hmmmm I would more say it’s about accessing my sexuality you have a very interesting point tho. It’s a new way of looking at it I haven’t really thought much about before. You might be onto something for example , I would describe myself as neurodivergent although I haven’t gotten assessed for it as a child I felt alienated from people , awkward and odd . Several people have suggested I’m autistic, and my own research has pointed to this too Perhaps something inside of me saw hotness as a way to get connected to the world? Something in my mind picked up from society, that ; it’s okay to be weird as you are, as long as you’re hot you have a place in this world. Perhaps so? Who knows

Don’t you think your girl looks hot ??????????????? is she worse than a goat or something sorry jk… or not Jokes aside i know the bar isn’t high hahahah trust me. It’s more about this painful awareness of potential. I wanna experience my peak hotness before time runs out, and I’m willing to do everything for it haha ”personal preference” what is this personal everyone is talking about. Societal conditioning is my personal desires - there’s not that much distinction between them.

I totally get your annoyance hahaha I don’t really see happiness as a goal. It’s such a diffuse term. When I want something it’s always something very specific , maybe just me? I can’t say I want to be happy, because what is happiness? An emotion? A state? What are the qualities of it? Any answer leads you to something specific - and this something specific has been this hotness I guess that I picked up from soceity as a young child and it latched onto my mind like my entire existence depended on it. It’s almost like this awareness of potential. If I was thrown into a remote island without any way to make myself hotter then yes I’d be forced to accept it and I’d be happy because it is what it is, unchangable. But in this life, in these circumstances, it’s like I have this awareness of how much more I could improve my looks and I wanna experience the ultimate peak of it, with limitations of course, I’m not talking about doing all the plastic surgery in the world hahaha. what do I want from it? Well for me it has been about my sexuality primarily I think . Sexuality has been strongly associated with hotness, that’s what society taught me early on. So I have felt like I cannot access my sexuality if I don’t experience myself as hot, so it’s like, I can accesss everything else, I can feel smart, social, funny, but sexual - this thing out of my reach that was very beautifully written. I see how you’re trying to reach me sincerely with your words. A lot of women would benefit from hearing those words

I can’t fully answer you what it’s about at its core. It’s very existential tho. I have contemplated this desire with openness, even while high on weed, tried to understand it at its roots. Have yet not understood it fully, seen it for what it is. It can sound shallow, this desire, but from my perspective, it can run just as deep as any other desire . Mindsets in general have had me running in circles. It’s almost like I’m reaching the edge of reality, this mental reality that I’ve lived in all my life. I don’t need a new mindset, I need something else well for me, soceities desire, is MY desire. What soceity thinks, is what I think. I’m a bit sceptical towards this strong distinction between what society teaches and then what you want. what are you without societal conditioning anyways? How could you separate yourself from it i agree with you that physical appearance and personality can be regarded as equal when it comes to what one values and one isn’t necessarily higher or lower. And as you say they compliment each other. Don’t really know what else to add here well. It has been more internal than external for me. This inner ideal I’ve been trying to meet. It’s independent of others opinions, even if someone expressed their attraction to my appearance, it wouldn’t have much affect on me. In contrast, some go out in the world and interact with people and try to find themselves there, for example a woman who perhaps sleeps with a lot of men to feel hot and desirable That’s more external, which is what it seems you’re referring to. Well I know where it comes from originally . This hotness obsession, society of course. But that awareness doesn’t shake nor threaten this desire, it still stands strong like nothing else. I like your last point! There was a period where I was intensely obsessed with overcoming social anxiety and reaching some ideal charisma. So yes personality can have equal of a grip on us

Thank you for your openness. yes it is scary sometimes, to desire so fully, this fear of losing control and losing ourselves in it authenticity is the best for sure the text was very deeply intimate yes I agree

I genuinely wonder what kind of pain one has to be in to want something like that

Croatian but born and live here in Sweden so thankful for living here

Yea you have a point. For me it has been more struggling to receive the love, rather than getting it at all. I understand that it could be perceived as shallow. But also I don’t differentiate much between different desires as deeper vs more shallow. I don’t necessarily think the suffering caused from let’s say the desire to become “awakened” is “higher” than my suffering to become hot, why would it? Isn’t it just the same mind creating some mental destination, at least for a lot of people, I’m not saying for all. it’s not cringy at all but you have a good point there. Well in my experience the love from within can be equally as conditional as love from outside when we hold ourselves to certain standards. But as you say yea if we just allow ourselves to experience it more unconditionally it can be very healing.

I work to change the things I’m dissatisfied with, so the satisfaction is earned.

They feel equally as exposed by this post as women ??‍♀️

The title was more for attention grab . Not that deep

@Leo Gura Your comment is equally as shallow haha i admire your content tho. No judgment here

no, I get attention from men from time to time. It was referring to my inability to enjoy this attention and express my potential attraction since I’m dissatisfied with my looks. Heck, sometimes I haven’t even WANTED to enjoy it. those are two very different things. What you’re talking about is a more external validation seeking, where you try to create a desirable sense of self through others perception of you. The one I’ve dealt with is more internal, where we hold ourselves to an internal standard that we picked up from somewhere and are constantly trying to meet. Thus creating a desirable sense of self from within our own mind i saw on your profile that you are Croatian. I am too lol!! Haha

You’re absolutely right. It’s a double edge sword, this attraction thing. I can’t say for sure which is more desirable tho. I somehow believe we all get used to where we are, so even the model gets tired of her face. But yes definitely some advantage regarding treatment from society as you say omg yes. This orange hypnosis. Sex appeal for women is so dominated by appearance it’s staggering. Men have so much more room for compensation for lack of physical attractiveness. Yes it’s definitely an energy. But then the body is a host of this energy. Now how can the host reflect this energy, as the energy doesn’t just stand alone as it’s one thing, I guess. I’m hard on my body, not myself, quite different . But you have a point there, that’s how it is for many women.

This is not purely my story tho. It’s society's story, expressing itself through me. I bet you most western young women have a sprinkle of what I articulated in their experience, but it’s more obvious and dominant in some of us, which is in some way what allows for this blunt articulation . you mention all of those qualities as if they stand in contradiction to hotness. my desire to be hot goes beyond any quality If im gonna be a spiritual cuddly meditative feminine nurturing woman etc - I want to be hot while im all those things. Im not referring to the stereotypical “hot” woman with all the associated stereotypes , just pure physical beauty in general you are talking to your mental projection of me. I can see the woman you sense that I am, but you’re sensing incorrectly . The way I express myself in the world is quite the opposite of the woman you are directing your message towards. but I agree, there are good men ofc, humans exist on a spectrum. I tend to focus on myself to become a right partner instead of trying to find one. That’s what I’ve done so far, but my body has been this one and only thing I haven’t been able to fully get under my control which disturbs me on an existential level. But despite you directing your message towards a faulty mental projection you concocted of me from reading my post, I still see your point since there are in fact many women with that mentality you are referring to. Hmmmmm….genetic drives. All I can say is that I like men with THAT energy. Although I can’t say what that is , maybe you’re right tho

Oh shit accidentally quoted myself when I wanted to edit

Hahahah. Yea I’m actually kinda surprised that others didn’t pick up on your humor , the title was enough for me and the text was lovely too actually. The reactions are screaming neurotypical for me

F*ck the haters this was amazing. Already the title had me bursting out laughing

I’m very familiar with a state of confusion, “not knowing”, feeling detached from my thoughts emotions and surroundings, and the sense of “nothing makes sense”. In a way my default state is an existential crisis, the vast majority of my life has been a mental fog , and as soon as I feel like something makes sense, my mind immediately starts to doubt it and feel like it’s artificial and I distance myself from it and automatically revert back to this familiar state of “not knowing”. Lately I’ve been sort of distancing myself from this state too and naturally started to question it. I’ve noticed how I somehow feel that this foggy detached state is more accurate and “true” than the state of feeling certain. In my head I have some idea that most people walk around feeling certain and “sucked into life” and how that is false and they are deceiving themselves. I look at people in my surroundings talking about things with passion and certainty and my mind somehow sees it as alien and mysterious and not true. “how can they be so certain”, my mind automatically thinks. I feel how this belief is starting to break down in me. Naturally these questions arise: How do I know that I can’t know anything? How do I know that uncertainty is more “real” or true than certainty? If everything is meaningless, then what is the difference between walking around feeling certain vs uncertain? Just something that has hit me lately. It’s weird because it has been so deeply ingrained in me that you have to question everything and that nothing is knowable etc but it just came to me this awareness of how these things are in some way just ideas I hold dear, and how this foggy mental state I’ve been in so much is in a sense my own version of certainty. It’s like my own security blanket that I hold onto.

Perhaps you could. I don’t do what I wrote about anymore, but you’re right. I’ve been way too independent and detached for so long I need some input from others I think

Two years ago I wrote a post here titled “"Spirituality" fell away spontaneously” . It’s about how my spiritual worldview collapsed. Basically I was meditating for around two years and during winter break in last year of high school I wanted to take it to another level so I did it for upwards 3 hours a day , and one night I very quickly became aware of how I was using spirituality as some emotional crutch and I quit it all cold turkey because it was “all in my head”. Fast forward a couple of weeks ago, from my own research online I find science articles talking about how diaphragmic breathing could help abdominal distension because the diaphragm is linked to it. I’ve been struggling with distension for my whole life and it has been bothering me aesthetically so I start doing this very intense diaphragmic breathing daily upwards an hour. It has helped my distension yes a bit, but oh my lord I genuinely feel like my entire world has been turned upside down but in a good way. It wasn’t my intention with it I’m not sure if it’s the breathwork but I started to reflect on it and I can’t see any other reason. the past weeks have been one of the most dramatic internally for me in my life. Ive had several moments of these “insights” into my own personal psychology where I feel this release of tension in my whole being, as if my entire way of relating to reality has somewhat shifted or something. Aspects of the very core of my belief system and psychology has unraveled before my eyes and I’ve switched between crying in great sadness to deep brain fog to feeling like this release in me and internal shift. Even the very reason for doing the practice (to improve my looks) has been challenged. For example, few days ago I was walking outside and I was in this mental fog (a very familiar state for me) and suddenly I just became aware and distanced myself from this mental pattern of mine and oh lord it felt like being showered in love in a way. Two nights ago, idk what that was but I was in my room stretching and I entered this state of flow or whatever: and when I tell you it was the most present and connected I’ve felt in my entire life ever ever, I was lowkey in shock. It was the state of flow that I’ve been fantasizing about in my life, I felt like it was one of the first times I was actually living in the present. There was no mental fog, and I felt like my room was sort of an extension of me and I felt safe in my own skin and everyhing was cozy and mysterious . I don’t really mind the explanation behind this, whether it’s spiritual or it can be explained scientifically using the brain. It doesn’t really matter all I know is that whatever is going on internally in me is amazing, I’m in awe yet also terrified. I know it can sound very dramatic, and over exaggerated, and perhaps it is at times. but this is just how it feels from my perspective no matter if it fits some objective standard of “profound” so to conclude, from my personal experience active intense breathwork is more effective that traditional meditation where you just passively observe.

Exactly

@michaelcycle00 thank you!!! I just felt this urge to share my experience and I’m very glad you liked it and I really hope you find some benefits if you try! I used to do sitting meditation before where I would close my eyes and simply observe my breath without actively breathing. And while I do think it affected me, I feel this has been more intense internally. now I do upwards of 3 20 min sessions each day of diaphragmic breathing instead. I do them at different times during the day. As I said the purpose was to help with abdominal distension as I’ve read studies talking about the diaphragms involvement in abdominal distension (abdomino phrenic dyssynergia) and I do notice major improvement there, and other physical differences. I feel my core engaging more in everyday life and it feels lighter to breathe. I alternate between three versions. 1. Stand up straight. Pelvic floor aligned. One hand on stomach one on chest. Stare blankly out of my window. One major difference for me was that I used to do belly breathing my but then I found this video below where he explained how you wanna expand the ribs to the sides instead. This feels veryyyyy different. So when I breathe in I try to bring my breath straight down so my ribs expand to the side so I’m not only expanding belly forward. I inhale through my nose as deep I can without raising chest (this alone can take around upwards of 15 sek), then I exhale as hard as I can through mouth feeling my abdominals engaging. I do it in this slightly over exaggerated way where my breath becomes shaky at the exhale which might not be necessary. link ( skip to 2.46 - 3.47 where he talks about the belly breathing) 2. Then another version. I do the same thing but on the floor staring at the roof with my knees on my couch like the attached image at the end (hands in the same way as before) 3. then I do this

I’ve always been very very introverted and had a vivid imagination and rich inner world. From the outside my life looks pretty dull since I’ve not done much in terms of external experience. I don’t socialize much and spend most of my time alone. But I still feel like I’ve lived a very rich life so far because so much has happened in my head, so many beliefs have formed and collapsed, insights about this and that, shifts in perspective/perception etc I’m deeply fascinated by the mind and how it works. A lot of the time I look forward to my next insight/shift in perspective and wonder and try to predict what it’s going to be. I gain a deep sense of satisfaction when something clicks in my head, nothing beats the feeling of a permanent shift in perspective for me. Sometimes I walk around in a deep mental fog zoned out for days looking for answers and finally something clicks in my head and I bawl my eyes out for hours feeling showered in love. (Here I’m referring to insights relating to something I’m struggling with at the time, random insights don’t move me that much lol) I’ve never felt normal since most people seem more outwardly oriented based on my observations and what they talk about, but maybe that’s just in my own head too lol. On a more negative note (as this positive feeling yesterday has lowkey passed, as it always does) I’m so obsessed with changing myself. It’s to a point that I’m so discontent with myself that I actively chose not to engage with people and especially date because I feel I wanna fix my flaws first. I’ve tried dating two times and it didn’t feel right so I turned inward instead and have been isolating myself. I feel like I’m the female version of those men deep in forums talking about looksmaxing etc. I’m haunted by this negative self image and I’m chasing some better self image in this super obsessive way every day. “Balanced” and “healthy “ people point out things to me and in my mind I’m like f*ck that let me be a neurotic mess pls. End of vent