Sugarcoat

Well maybe because they don’t see how it matters because they view the problem as more psychological and independent of my appearance. I see my potential in my mind very clearly. And then I see how I look, the contrast shines so clear to me. The details aren’t relevant imo. well a better question would be what can the ideal in my mind experience that I can’t . Everything in a way

That’s the part I’m trying to get to can’t u tell

Desiring can be fun

Totally resonate, lately I’ve been naturally drawn to dance a lot. It’s like a new way of approaching life

A lot of people train in this mechanical ego driven way so disconnected from the body. That’s why we see so many injuries I guess . Working out can’t compensate for a lack of open connection to the body so they will still need those other stuff to feel okay

We’re trying to feel grounded somehow I guess?

You have a point def. I find some women I see have this femininity in they way they express themselves that brings their looks up . I care about all of that too. Almost subconsciously practicing lol it can even be silly how it’s done sometimes. But then the looks has been this missing frustrating painful peace of the puzzle of this ultimate feminity ughhhhhh people get very offended when you point out underlying tendencies or something , as you say . As if it isn’t obvious to them already

True that. For me it has more been centered around my sexuality, so other things are pretty chill (intellect etc)

The “no personal” about this for me has been realizing how my body and biology wants this as much as me so it’s not purely my desire. So yea there is zero resentment in my post just a burst of authentic expression that is maybe lost in the wording The fact that looks fade just makes the sense of rush stronger rather than bringing relief lol

some of us feel so dead we’d love to be a part of this game of survival

That’s cute <3 im very glad you have peace in yourself you can have all the self esteem in the world and still have problems with the state of your body, as a separate object from you almost just saying

You def have a point. I see how there is suffering in all sides of it but I want to share this essence with my body as a desirable vessel for it….

Ofc they can. It’s more about the state of my body being undesirable thus I experience it a as a hindrance to my enjoyment of those things. trevligt

Lovely that you know what you want I guess

I know a lot of women do. Thanks tho I can’t for fucks sake quote you on this phone , gotta get a computer damn. But I’ll reply here. First I’m sorry you went through all of that. Your experience describes what little me has always fantasized about and experienced would be the answer to my problems : how no matter how shitty things are, if I’m just hot I’d be doing okay somehow. Not primarily in terms of others perception because some people would still see the problems, but more for my own well being. Like a protective shield. But you prove that it doesn’t work im actually more curious about how you where able to suffer so deeply, I’m genuinely curious because for all my life I’ve lived this detached existence where all my suffering is subtle and I’m almost incapable of suffering deeply. But this is a certain suffering too, a more subtle ever persistent icky ness about life. you bring up different angles one could come from with this conditioning. It’s like the same thing fundamentally this hotness thing but it expresses itself differently in different girls with different bodies and brains. The girl in the video, me and you, all valid experiences - pretty much the same thing deep down as you mention - this struggle with femininity as neurodivergent women. Relate relate. No diagnosis YET but there is no doubt really I like that you mention. Someone had to say it. It’s funny how people here talk as if I’m some average woman on the street with some shallow tendency. Not an inch of my being says normal. Not only do I sense it myself, but even other people , including people with for example autism themselves, have suggested that I’m neurodivergent (autism mentioned most). From my own research and experience too, there is something going on here. I’m not just the average girl with a little neurotic tendency to obsess over her appearance. It’s almost offensive somehow when people make it to be like that. Tell that to the little 12 yo girl who rubbed her lips aggressively with a towel everyday until they could bleed to make them look bigger. Or who crashed her phone to pieces because she was sad about her nose .”you’re just shallow” lol Regarding plastic surgery. I had rhinoplasty last year actually . It was an extremely desperate decision, I couldn’t stand my nose . thank you for your oppennes. It can be like that, some of us feel like we have this sexiness and femininity and coolness we have cultivated within ourselves over the years but it pains us how this body isn’t desirable to us to be able to “own” it and express it.

Aww thanks. It is a journey to find this athlete in you. For me, this athleticism was constrained by my mind/ego. As it is for a lot of women, as in, the body has a desire to move and be healthy, but because of this conditioning, we develop eating disorders and other shit that takes all the joy out of this movement and turns it into this rigid thing so we’re all together on this journey with our athleticism in a way.

I fit into your description of a person who is independent of others reactions. It’s a different experience yet similar fundamentally. Instead of being bound to others perception, you have your own mental perception you picked up from somewhere that you are bound to San are trying to meet. Maybe a parallel to this experience of feeling “less radiant” in your case to my case, sometimes when I’ve gotten closer to this ideal mental image, I’ve felt less “radiant” as you say. So I think I can see what you’re trying to say somehow. I don’t know what causes this difference between being more bound to others perception vs your own inner (same suffering tho). Maybe natural temperament or personality (I’ve always been extremely introverted) I’m glad you’ve become aware of this and are perhaps able to work through it.

true. It is the strongest conditioning for women at least in the west I think. It is so strong that even the women who work hard to “accept themselves” instead of obeying it like me struggle. this relaxation into our body - it’s something I’ve experienced as a gradual thing that settles as I’ve gotten older, more and more each year. So you’re right, it does get better. True that, most women are struggling with this in a way . That’s why my post isn’t personal per se as some of the replies are making it to be, there is a sprinkle of this more or less in most women especially young ones. My being is perhaps more open aware and sensitive to this conditioning as is thus able to articulate it so bluntly “it is always better to not be bound”. I agree with you here. Women have tried it, to live from their appearance, how miserable doesn’t that show itself to be Yet, some of us struggle with the opposite in a way. I don’t even dare to feel sexy when I think I look good. Because it’s too dangerous. What if I enjoy it, then suddenly it switches and I think I look terrible again and now I’m suffering that, since I bound myself to the state of my body. So you end up living detached from the body, which is a kind of pain in itself. yes yes

Plumbing?

Well originally it came from society as it influenced me as a child. My “character” was perhaps extra aware and sensitive to it. Then as we grow older we have a choice in how we relate to this conditioning, so you have a point there. Some of us see the answers to our problem in adapting to it rather than fighting it, we WANT to obey it. Crazy right? I rarely rarely complain about it, 99% of the time I’ve worked for it instead. This post was a burst of authentic expression, not really negative per se just a rawness.

You said it yourself. The awareness made it a blessing . That’s the key I think

Cringe is fundamental to my existence hagagag why are you seeeing right through me that sounds scary tho

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Shocking how you pin point it so precisely

Dear music Thank you for allowing me to leave my body To detach from it so fully I forget it even exists To escape from the disturbing vast mystery that it is To not have to see all its flaws , but to instead see the mental projection of how I would want it to be All with the support of you, dear music It’s not possible without you It’s not the same Without you I suddenly feel everything All the sensations , all the asymmetries, the heaviness in my limbs, the tension in my muscles , the pressures , the warmth and the cold All these things which I feel so fully It overwhelms me Clouds my perception But you clear it all out, dear music You allow me to go into you fully , so that all I sense is you, and nothing else You bring me that smoothness I’m trying so hard to create by my seemingly futile effort Why try so hard When all I need to do is to put on my headphones and click on play and there you are Taking me in with open arms Coddling me like a little baby Who cannot even sense its body You take me back to that place Allowing me fully into your space Dear music

Yea I agree and sometimes this happens not by choice