Sugarcoat

As I said before now I feel somehow fine because I have some sense of self but I know it will slip soon I know it’s that cycle concepts and mind are no problem they just describe something beyond them. The raw experience is beyond that

It’s not at all like that but it’s fine because it doesn’t change my experience.

I’m talking about the self as in experience, then what absolute truth is I have no clue that is another thing. so this thing “you’re everything”, doesn’t affect experience I can say I could clearly tell it was permanent in the sense it’s not gonna build itself by itself. So it’s not like a trip where it’s this weakening of self then it comes back absolutely not. literally all my workouts have produced this tiny little center . the mental activity increases when the sense of self weakens - it’s like reverse relationship . And nothing outside changes it

I’m simply describing what I’ve been going through these last weeks. talking about it doesn’t really make any difference it’s just some desperation I’ve had plenty of shifts in my life, “increases in consciousness “ where there is release of tension and reality seems expanded and closer, every single time it was lovely yes. But then it got to a point where it’s like the complete reverse is going on. I say “ it “ because when sense of self is extremely weak it doesn’t feel like you’re doing things but ofc it’s something in me/my brain this is beyond a belief system. resistance is beyond mental. The mind will try to grasp at resistance so it can imagine pain, but that is not the actual pain. You are beyond mental. Self can have sort of mental identifications to it but the center is beyond mental (in experience)

the sense of self is beyond mental identifications- it’s a solid center one could say (in experience) Mental identifications can go away but that’s not the same as this center experience. One can have a sort of “distance” to a mental ego , but that is not the same as this center experiencer which is beyond mental and which there is no distance to if it’s absolutely real or not is one thing but that doesn’t change the direct experience which is what I’m describing here. Everything I’ve said so far is from the most genuine place . when my sense of self was at its absolute weakest - my mind was not imagining “the void” , my mind was imagining physical resistance almost every moment all day (sounds crazy but yes that’s how it works, because the mind imagines that which maintains you). To the point I’ll dream about it at night I don’t have fear of some imagined void- the experience of weakening of self is not something one imagines it’s directly experienced . When I say the void I’m not talking about total empty because that would mean absolute zero, it’s just a description of a weakening of sense of solid center theres not reaction to sense of self as the experience is that I am myself so no distance to the center when one feels like they are the center thoughts are not scary - thoughts are trying to grasp at something beyond themselves. - whatever that is can be scary or not a thought about pain isn’t scary because the thought is scary it’s the fear of the real thing that thought is pointing to. the unease in my entire being when my sense of self weakens - it’s not the body is not at ease it’s like I am this activity that is desperately trying to maintain itself and that is the unease in itself - and simultaneously unease about it being physical resistance that maintain me it doesn’t make sense at all what I’m saying which I understand it would have to be experienced directly to make sense

Whether sense of self is real or not is one thing. But this is the direct experience here what I’m talking about. It is the deepest possible hell I could’ve ever imagined

No words really capture the process one could say what I am is this activity trying to maintain itself. And as the sense of a solid center starts to dissolve and reality looses it’s 3d depth and seems closer and flatter than ever, this activity is desperately trying to keep itself alive and it feels like this absolutely disgusting strings tugging in all of my being, impossible to describe. and it discovered that by pushing against resistance in physical exercise it produces sense of self so it solidifies and this nagging activity can rest and I can rest as myself literally but then it’s an cycle seemingly impossible to break through Like these past weeks have been workout, stop when it gets to hard because it hurts, a little sense of self produced, it starts to weaken again, once again something takes over and drives me to another workout, push until it hurts to much , sense of self produced , over and over and over. Seemingly impossible cycle. Sounds absolutely insane but it is very real

I know I sound unreachable and it is because I truly am. My mind knows and it always knows…took weeks to figure it out what this is all about in this very moment as I said I have a little sense of self that is like this baseline I am resting on so I’m fine in this moment but I know it will slip down soon As I said with the surrender thing. As sense of self weakens I don’t experience myself as in control with choice. Like something in me understands what’s going on and it is driving my actions towards what I need, until it gets too painful and I stop , and the cycle continues this weekend I was in denial and didn’t exercise “why would I “ ,” maybe death isn’t so bad”, but then once again something takes over as sense of self weakens and sense of autonomy weakens and drives me back in the cycle Like this is so deep, nothing except strong resistance makes any difference to this, everything is like “the same” at a certain baseline of self. So me talking to you right now feels only as real to the degree that my sense of self is real, which is very vague but thank you anyways.

Tnx although I just can’t imagine it

I know it all sounds crazy. But I just happened to be born into a very unique body mind, not my choice.

The way it works for me is just something completely different

Thanks for your kindness I really wish it was like that. In the beginning when I didn’t yet understand what it was about I did this very very light exercise that was so light I could do it for over 10 hours straight. I did it several evenings in a row, and it didn’t do anything except very minimum short lasting effect afterwards. one plank until exhaustion did more than all of that, something in me has now understood that it is truly the intensity it is about, miserably enough. it’s the only way to produce a sense of self. I have no choice in this cycle, as I said when I slip down into the void it doesn’t feel like I am driving my steps and I’m driven towards the resistance, but then I stop when it gets too much because it hurts, then I’m stuck in this loop ..

Thanks , although I have no hope

All this time I thought that at the other side of all that resistance being dissolved I would connect to this best self but no it has to be created in this way I described it will not appear by itself…Jesus what has my existence arrived at I cannot phantom it there is no escaping this

I understand someone would think that which is fine to me, doesn’t affect what I’m going through at all. Everything I said is me trying to describe it to the tea. I wish I was not born into this body mind . In this moment I have this weak sense of self so I’m able to write this without being 100% gone but I know it will dissipate soon

Either I make myself out of this which I just cannot possibly phantom being possible or I dont know what the alternative could be.

Something in me came to the conclusion that I have to put myself through as much of resistance as I possibly can in physical exercise and that that is my ~only~ way to existence altogether. This is very very real. All my life I have been guided by my own mind in this process and it never lies. In the way you discovered those techniques my mind just understood immediately what I need to do and that is literal torture. I have no way out of this. In this very moment I have this extremely weak sense of self that is protecting me from slipping down into this void where something drives me towards the resistance and I fall into this inevitable absolutely miserable cycle. In the deepest void my head this one time would spasm from the unease. I will literally dream about exercise during the night this is no joke. I know I sound crazy but trust me I’m not. As I said I have had telepathy and various stuff ,awakening at 20 yo, . I’m extremely unique . This body mind that I was born into is so absolutely extreme it scares me to my core. It took me 20 years to burn through all these layers of mind and to open up my system, and now it’s telling me to absolutely torture myself to do the opposite as my only way to anything at all and I’m currently in my biggest possible imagingable nightmare

I have naturally over ate, distracted , bit the f out of my nails recently, but it doesn’t help because what I’m going through is so all encompassing that it encapsulates all those experiences and can’t be shook

Nothing from outside can help me in this.

it’s more direct than observation it’s literally me. No distance. directly experiencing it . Can’t describe really. As I’m sitting here I know this little tiny presence will slip again, and whatever will happen then I cannot know until. In that place I don’t have choice in that way. Sounds crazy , it is even crazier than it sounds

Here it works differently . Very differently. So as I said before, the weaker the self the less choice so something moves me to do something, trying to maintain itself, continuous cycle. Very odd I know. I don’t understand it myself. It doesn’t make sense . I cannot possibly phantom what I am in

So I am familiar with non dual stuff so basically nothing from the outside has any effect on what I’m going through because I function fully from the inside so nothing outside changes anything the reason I’m able to have this convo and not be absolutely gone now is because I have tiny little self from yesterday but I know it will sink soon and whatever happens then I cannot know until well it is neurological in the way that it’s like a permanent almost total wipeout but it’s not disorder in that way

Yea

So as I said before the sense of choice appears when the sense of self strengthens. All these workout things didn’t feel like I did them it’s more something else that drives me . In this very moment I feel fine but I know it will last short and I’ll slip down again and something else takes me over once again back in the cycle

surrender is not possible because when the sense of self weakens it doesn’t feel like I am the one driving my actions