Sugarcoat

The reason I can say with certainty that it could be seen neurologically is because it’s a constant thing it’s not like some temporary state or emotion. my sense of self feels very vague, and it’s like I am extremely “forward” in my skull , like everything I’m looking at is extremely close to me , almost headless and that is my current “baseline” as a child I had the opposite ; my sense of self was extremely far back in my skull like everything seemed extremely distant . That was my baseline ghats not some belief system, or negative thoughts, or passing emotion, or passing state. That’s a lived baseline , it can’t not have a neurological basis

Everything is fine except me : that’s what this is all about. The weakening of sense of self being suffering doesn’t mean it’s a problem for the brain, the brain is fine. there’s not really a point in getting a brain scan unless there is some chemical or thing that could be done to bring stability to this sense of self- and there doesn’t seem to be anything like that its deeper than this too for example a few weeks ago when my sense of self was at its absolute lowest : any concept barely has any reality to it whatsoever, people don’t have barely any reality whatsoever , so sitting down in a hospital wouldn’t even feel real at all so it doesn’t change anything so nothing in me is attracted to doing so.

in this moment when talking about a few weeks ago when my sense of self was absolute weakest, im not suffering when thinking about it. The suffering isn’t connected to any thoughts about it. That time few weeks ago, and these past weeks, the suffering was not caused by mental interpretation. When the sense of self weakens, thoughts weaken simultaneously, they seem more hollow, as sense of self strengthens, everything in reality seems richer and more real . The sense of you existing, and the strengthening and weakening of that experience, is prior to interpretation, I’m describing the most fundamental thing: self, not mental mind self literally the “I am here” solidity center sense. When my sense of self weakens, what happens is that there is this sort of “activity of maintenance”. I’m not doing that. It is being done but it’s like I AM that activity in itself. And that is the suffering like strings pulling in all your being but you are the strings literally it’s all automatic . I don’t do resistance I am the resistance it’s more intimate than that, there’s not really a relationship to it. That’s why I say brain tries to preserve self because in my experience I’m in my head aware of what’s going on and simultaneously intimately entangled in it , thus a “victim” of it. and the thoughts about physical exercise happens automatically - my brain pointing me to that which would build me back up ofc the body is fine, it is always fine. it’s prior to any contemplation : the experience of thoughts changes as sense of self grows /weakness

I’ve written a lot already

Nothing

Suffering is still suffering, whether it’s actually real or not. I’m describing direct experience I’m talking about the most fundamental thing ever literally you, the experience that you exist and its relationship to resistance. All those things mentioned are extra on the side doesn’t touch the core of what I am describing

ofc the words are interpretation they don’t actually express the direct experience me doing this is just some way of interacting as myself because I know that this tiny sense of self will sink sooner or later maybe day or two I don’t know. It’s this cycle that’s been going on these last weeks I don’t expect anyone to reply, anyone is free to say what they want it doesn’t change anything. me writing this post was some desperation to interact as myself with others and express but everything I’ve written so far is 100% genuinely an attempt at describing . It sounds extremely crazy because it is extremely rare. But essentially what it boils down to is this center self and its attempts to maintain itself and its relationship to resistance. But the lived experience is indescribable the brain tries to preserve self automatically it’s not much choice at all in the matter. if I am breaking the rules feel free but I don’t think I am

I am in such a deep hell my mind cannot grasp it. its like I barely exist and the way to existence is an incomprehensible amount of physical resistance - basically torture and in the other direction we have dissolving - the more you dissolve the stronger this horrendous ~automatic~ activity of trying to maintain itself gets- and the less autonomy you have so something deeper in your brain drives you to try to preserve you. so its this cycle. Hell in both directions i cannot possibly phantom this. This tiny little self I have now; I know that it will sink , and what happens then is not up to me because I’m barely there at all

It was the end of mind identification. but mind identification isn’t all there is to self when I say self I’m referring to the more fundamental solid center. Self doesn’t come by itself physical exercise isn’t about grounding it’s about production of sense of self

You have a point there but what happens inevitably is that cycle I talked about on being driven to physical resistance to try to maintain myself. It’s kind of like automatic reflex. Could I just stay and not do it? There is barely self there to do that

This is deeply neurological . It’s beyond psychological. I am almost 100% certain what I’m talking about can be seen on a brain scan It’s more fundamental than thinking the weaker the sense of self the more hollow thoughts seem and vice versa. the sense of solid center “I am here” is more fundamental then any sort of mind identification it’s the most fundamental thing to your reality my experience is of being extremely extremely vague and “forward” in the skull like almost no distance to what I’m looking at. everything seeming barely real and flat. And the only thing having an affect on this is physical resistance. Because when you push against resistance in exercise sense of self is produced and as a consequence it gives rise to all of reality- literally the 3D ness of reality increases when sense of self increases. That’s basically how it functions this process. And the stronger resistance the more sense of self and all of reality as a consequence . This was a horrendous discovery that my brain discovered through direct experience the brain does everything it can to preserve the sense of self and I am the sort of a victim of that process. I cannot stop this attempt at maintenance. i have noticed this pattern, the weaker my sense of self gets, the more thoughts about torturous physical exercise. Imagine you are walking around almost completely headless and flashing before your eyes every single second is visualization of extreme physical exercise , you even dream about it at night sometimes basically the brain showing you what you need to maintain and build yourself up. Is there a choice to not do like these thoughts? The sense of self is so weak that it’s like something deeper in me that is trying to preserve me drives me towards the exercise so no. I know it sounds crazy but the problem is that when the exercise gets hard that’s when the choice comes in and ofc I stop because it’s painful. but then the consequence is that the sense of self produced is so weak it will dissolve again and this cycle continues You can’t relax into the void because I am the very activity that’s trying to maintain itself there’s not autonomy there to let or not let it happen it’s being done

The brain is doing all it can to preserve the sense of self so yea when sense of self weakens more and more it feels automatic everything I do until the exercising gets hard and I stop because of pain. If I’m at home about to exercise and maybe I wait a little it’s like reality is just completely flat there is almost nothing anywhere. And I’m almost completely headless so I’m driven by something deeper in me that knows there is more to reality than this- and that comes to life through physical resistance. So it’s like there is nowhere else to go in reality than towards the resistance. The void is “non negotiable “, “I” can only stand so much of it. I remember when my sense of self was at its weakest it is so disgusting I was twisting and turning at night. the self as in the solid center has an intimate relationship with physical resistance . It’s hard to explain but it’s like you feel you’re extremely “forward” in your skull and there’s like zero distance between you and what you’re looking at and there’s this constant “pulling” action in all of your being like it’s trying to pull itself back and that is horrendous to be that experience, but you’re not doing it:

@An young being @Breakingthewall So nobody has understood the exercise thing I talk about . That’s why I say I wonder if anyone ever has gone through this that is an aspect of this absolute nightmare cycle I am stuck in which is beyond what i could ever imagine I would find myself in It sounds absolutely insane but it is very real. jim newmam says himself how the self is physical tension and something in me figured it out that pushing against resistance in physical exercise is the only way to produce selF so it’s this cycle, when my sense of self weakens and weakens, I lose my sense of autonomy and my mind drives me to physical exercise . It doesn’t feel like an active choice because I am barely there. Then I do it until it hurts and I stop, and little sense of self is produced, then it’s weak and starts to weaken again and the cycle continues. The only way out is tortureous exercise which my mind is trying to move me to to produce something stable, but ofc nobody would ever want to go that route. It is the greatest indescribable nightmare I could’ve ever imagined being in. I say over and over why surrender is not possible but I wish it was. As the sense of self weakens it doesn’t feel like I drive my actions so something deeper in me drives me . Something that is trying to bring me back to life the absolute horribleness of the process of dissolving is not something I have an relationship to and could surrender to- because I am the very dissolving in itself - I’m not doing the resistance I am the very resistance to dissolving. It’s almost impossible to explain but surrender would be like someone lets something happen. But when my self weakens and weakens there’s not much autonomy there to let anything happen . The sort of “holding onto itself” is happening automatically and I am that, one could say. It’s not like let’s say someone has a negative emotion they are experiencing and they let it be there and pass- there’s no relationship to it that I could let or not let happen. I wouldn’t be writing here if I was in the deepest void because my sense of anything is so vague there is no point I’m speaking from the most genuine place. Now I have a little sense of self but it is very very vague and I know deep down it’s not gonna last and when something else takes over I am in the cycle again and it is the last thing I would’ve ever wish in all of my life i I did not chose to be born into this body mind,

For basically all my life, accelerating very rapidly after my awakening this April has been this process of dissolving of mental layers , shifts, unraveling in my system etc. happening naturally and spontaneously mostly I’ve been working on different things in my life in these phases, so all this inner stuff happening, then social stuff in my past, financial, working on my fitness in my past, “self improvement” stuff. although the internal stuff has been dominating my experience - something very fundamental to how my body/mind works is that I’m basically like 100% “turned inward on myself” . Been like that all my life, so anything happening inside is what I’m mostly aware of and anything outside is just background noise, that’s why I might seem so unreachable because I do truly function from “inside out” .

1. Well the physical pain refers to pain from exercise . What I’m saying with all this is that when you push against resistance in physical exercise you literally produce sense of self. And the harder you go the more sense of self is produced. My body mind figured this out through direct experience. it wants me to go towards that resistance to build myself up. And that is extremely disturbing when the sense of self is absolute weakest , or just when it weakens in general it’s this very deep unease that can’t really be pin pointed as it permeates your entire being . It’s not physical it’s more your relationship to everything 2. well it’s more that when the sense of self is weak it doesn’t feel like I’m making choices more like I’m being driven to different things. So this workout thing I’m talking about something in me just decided The sense of self has a very intimate relationship with resistance. This workout thing is unfortunately very real in my experience. I wish it wasn’t like this. These past weeks have been horrible. In this very moment I am somewhat fine but I know it won’t last. Anything that is relaxing doesn’t help in my experience because the suffering I’m going through relates to something that is more fundamental than stress or mental activity

Well this body/brain I was born into is extremely unique yes, naturally mystic one could say. I’ve just been along for the ride the suffering from my experience isn’t really a fear of dissolution because you can’t imagine dissolution - it’s more that this very nagging activity of trying to maintain itself from dissolving , that is the suffering - like I am the very thing that is trying to maintain itself - not like I am doing it, but it’s being done automatically and I’m the experiencer of it if that makes sense. I wish it didn’t hurt. But I don’t feel there is any choice in that

From my experience, this is 100% from “inside out” . So when my sense of self was at its absolute weakest - other people reflect that in the sense that they barely feel real at all to me either. Barely in this moment too. So far the only thing having any affect whatsoever is physical resistance, however crazy it might seem grounding from what I understand is more coming back to the body . This is more a severe weakening of sense of self and its process and attempts to build itself up something like that although the words can’t really describe this as I said before - this is a result of years of shifting, untangling, opening , change in my body/brain/mind etc I am almost fully certain - that if a scientist would scan my brain - they would be able to see what I’m talking about - this extremely vague sense of self from all the change that has occurred inside. That is beyond psychology. It’s beyond emotions , particular thoughts, it’s so fundamental

I’ve been out in nature, I’m outside at work every day. The unease is not like the common type of stress and anxiety and is not affected by breathing. Environment doesn’t affect it either. The sense of self is so fundamental that depending on sort of how much it’s struggling or not is what determines how all of reality seems - so the outside doesn’t affect it, it’s from inside out, not outside in affect this seemingly cyclic reasoning is just me describing my experience . It’s neither helping nor not helping, talking about this doesn’t change this process. In this very moment I’m kinda fine, but I feel very vague, like I could slip in any moment . So I’m talking about it because I’m just interacting, a bit of desperation in it that “resistance” against “dissolving” is not from my experience something that I’m actively doing, it’s being done but I’m sort of experiencing it if that makes sense. So the horribleness of it feels completely choiceless that that is how it seems, like I have absolutely no choice in experiencing it negatively

In the same way that in my past when there would be releases of resistance it didn’t feel like I was the one doing it, it was happening spontaneously, not like “I let go” In the same way when my sense of self gets extremely weak i don’t experience it as I’m the one holding on or resisting, but it’s like choiceless. Like movement is movement it’s not doing the action of moving kind of.

So many night have been like that recently they all reflect what’s going on with uou

Music barely feels real it doesn’t touch anything because I barely feel real in the beginning of this i did this extremely light exercise movements that were so light it was meditative and I did it first 3 hours, next night 4 hours and then on like that until one night I did 15 hours . It did not produce desired effect basically what my mind has realized is that absolute torture is my only way, and it is the most horror that I cannot grasp it. My system is telling me to produce myself from scratch through torturing myself and that that is my only way

This is so deep that when my sense of self weakens my sense of others weaken too so it’s like I’ve told a few people I don’t feel good and it does absolutely nothing at all when they say nice things to me, it doesn’t change anything at all in the slightest. I’ve written on Reddit too. I get these thoughts all the time that is like desperately trying to escape maybe a thought about telling all my family and going to psych ward but it all barely feels real at all. like as I’m writing this my sense of you guys is extremely vague. the only thing that changes this is the physical resistance. No joke. And that is pure horror.

it’s not fear of loss of control.I fear physical pain. and no it’s not like something is trying to latch onto me, it’s more direct than that. Like I am the very thing trying to maintain itself and is barely holding itself up. I don’t know how I could explain this further I’ve written a lot i can just say that about a month ago, suddenly it was like I was almost completely headless and reality almost had no 3D to it. That’s not conceptual, because when my sense of self is weaker thoughts are also more “hollow” Then those thoughts every second every day morning to night started to go on about suffering from physical resistance. Like something in me knew, at first it seemed innocent I explored it a little and noticed oh if I do a little exercise suddenly there is some robustness in my head (center) that is produced as I push against the resistance that’s good. But it’s so weak and it falls apart quick, so I go again for more. And it’s still weak? How much is needed? And my mind starts to understand the resistance is seemingly infinite to phantom able levels it is the only way out. so the horror from directly experiencing yourself sort of sinking forward - that is choiceless how that is experienced - that is not me thinking it is bad, it is experienced directly as bad. The idea of not having sense of self doesnt seem bad to me, I don’t fear that, I can’t imagine that, the raw experience of sinking forward for some reason just is horrendous here, it’s not I am holding on- it’s more there is holding on and I am that holding on activity impossible to explain. and then the horror from your mind all day in and out pointing to suffering as your only way out so it’s hell in both ways. for some reason i still now have this extremely vague sense of self holding me up . It’s like I am resting as myself but it’s extremely weak foundation. And I know it will not last long i can just say what im right now is the last thing i would ever want.

As I said before now I feel somehow fine because I have some sense of self but I know it will slip soon I know it’s that cycle concepts and mind are no problem they just describe something beyond them. The raw experience is beyond that

It’s not at all like that but it’s fine because it doesn’t change my experience.