Sugarcoat

If you’re worried about other lifetimes it’s because you’re not suffering enough in this one

Merry Christmas u too

Ok this made me laugh a little

This April 20th, the same day as a total solar eclipse I had a permanent spiritual awakening Ever since then, I would have these shifts and releases every single day It was an exciting process mostly but I had no idea that it was accumulating into an almost total wipeout of myself About a month ago pretty much all resistance in me was dissolved and it was like I started to melt into my environment. Reality and everyone lost almost all its 3D and realness. This was not temporary. This was permanently going in a certain direction. it was horrible Then from nowhere something in me was like “you have to push yourself”. So I started to do these little workout things. After pushing my body I noticed how there would arise a little sense of self Basically something in me figured out that when you push against resistance in physical training , it produces sense of self and thus all of reality as a consequence . And the intensity of the resistance is exactly proportionate to this sense of self so more resistance more sense of self. It’s very difficult for me to explain this. But ever since then I’ve been stuck in this cycle day in day out . Where I work out and it produces a little sense of self, then it starts to melt again and I have to go back again even harder. Yesterday for example I did three of David goggings live workouts in a row. It was hard. But I still feel almost non existent. It’s hard for me to explain my “pov” . But it’s like I’m almost headless and have to be constantly maintained. It sickens me to my stomach. My mind cannot possibly grasp what I’m going through. Basically , if I don’t absolutely torture myself- I will never reach reality. Im stuck in this cycle, this walking dead thing. And my ~only~ way out is a seemingly endless mountain of resistance. It is not possible to “surrender” to this. It doesn’t work like that. When my sense of self weakens even more it doesn’t feel like I’m the one driving my steps to do what I do. I am in such deep hell my mind cannot phantom it. I try to comfort myself with the idea of suicide as a possibility if it gets absolutely unbearable, but it doesn’t work because my ability to grasp that idea is dependent on the vague sense of self produced. When I was deepest in the void such an idea is so vague it brings no relief. To make myself clear. I am not crazy. Some context I’m 20 years old woman, been doing good all my life in school and all, work full time , fully functional like everyone else from outside perspective. Lived a very odd existence from my pov. Have had telepathy several times, as I said spiritual awakening etc. All of that came to me without much effort, but the one thing that doesn’t come without effort is literally all of reality. I believe few if any humans in history have gone through this. My mind cannot grasp this, it’s absolutely impossible. It tries and it sickens me to my core. As I’m writing this my sense of self is so extremely weak and it’s like I’m standing on a thin line. Don’t know why I am even posting when nothing barely feels real. Desperation

Thnx❤️

Nobody understands the exercise thing and that is fine. I wish it wasn’t like that for example David goggings calls it “callousing the mind” it’s a very real thing that happens and I experience it directly in my workouts the harder you go - there’s this “hardening” that happens in your brain. then it’s like the sense of self rests in this and has a solid foundation. So it’s building back a sense of self something in me figured this out so as my sense of self starts to dissolve to extremely degrees - these thoughts about exercise intensify to like almost every second - it’s like my brain showing me what I need to preserve myself. It’s not me creating those thoughts it’s not “I want to keep myself alive” it’s like this self preservation thing, I’m walking into my workouts almost fully headless literally. Like something deeper in me drives me towards it eventually. Like a continuous cycle. It’s not like this crazy idea I came up with “let’s exercise”, it’s this physiological thing that works a certain way, and my brain knows it does so it’s trying to preserve me I can’t surrender to dissolving - it sounds lovely if that was possible, but I’m not the one doing the resistance to dissolving it happens automatically, and this self preservation takes over.

Mental illness would be like a condition idk imagine walking around and you are almost headless , but not 100%, but almost. Everything you’re looking at is extremely close, and there’s an extremely vague sense of anyone looking at all It’s not going to bounce back by itself. This is not some temporary thing, it has been moving in this direction for years after then something very deep in my brain figured out that by pushing against resistance in physical exercise, it creates this robustness in the brain literally, and the sense of self can build itself back. And the harder the exercise the more robustness is built . It’s like a neurological process so as my sense of self weakens, what happens is that flashing before my eyes are these constant images of physical exercise . And as my sense of autonomy goes down, something eventually drives me towards it as this self-preservation act. Then I do it until it hurts, and this tiny self is produced in me. But it’s so weak, and starts to dissolve again. When it starts to dissolve, there’s this automatic hellish “resistance” to dissolving that goes on automatically, it’s nobody doing it it’s just being done, but I’m sort of “living it”. And the cycle goes repeats itself and the only way out, something in me figured is absolutely torterous physical exercise to extremely intense degrees to create enough robustness so the sense of self has a solid foundation to rest on or being stuck in this cycle forever going back and forth in this middle ground as I’m writing this there’s this tiny self; but as I’ve said a 100 times I just know it will start to dissolve and then something knows how to build it up again and it’s like I’m driven to the exercise . i know it sounds crazy, but the sort of weakened state, it’s absolutely utterly something else than what I’ve ever experienced it’s like a “reverse reality”, like everything you’re looking at is completely flat and 2d and it stays like that- the only only thing having any effect is physical resistance. So it’s like absolute hell in both directions. An absolute nightmare and I have this underlying terror of slipping into the cycle again

Nothing from the outside affects my experience , and all I’m saying is coming from the inside and my own description and nothing can really change that, but tnx anyways. I’m just interacting. but it has truly been hellish these last weeks, and whatever self I have now, I just know in some days I can’t tell how long it will weaken and hell is back again Somwone Mentioned the woman you mentioned. People have different experiences and mine is that nothing from the outside really changes mine so no info really unfortunately…

Yea it is being allowed because it’s happening automatically , but its not really me allowing it because it’s not like I could ~not~ allow it . It’s just happening like this automatic mechanism, and I am intimately entangled with it. Almost like I am the resistance so intimate. It just is suffering in itself this “effort” of it trying to maintain itself and I’m sort of living that . Surrender sounds absolutely lovely, but for some reason it doesn’t play out like that when I start to dissolve what happens instead is that something in me figured that strenuous physical exercise creates this “robustness” in the brain I don’t know how it works exactly but then the sense of self can stabilize in this and it stops this painful “activity of having to maintain itself” . So it’s this very very twisted hellish cycle of being driven to exercise but then stopping when it gets to hard etc then sense of self starts to dissolve again. Basically the only way out is tortureous exercise to create a robust foundation for the self to rest on, or being in this cycle for infinity. Like in this moment I feel I could dissolve any time, and what happens then I can’t know it’s like something else takes over because I lose autonomy It sounds bat shit crazy. But it’s actually quite simple in theory it’s this cycle of self trying to maintain itself and build itself . And when I weaken it’s like something deeper in me drives my behavior so I can’t say in this moment “I won’t do that” because I won’t really be there to make a choice.

everything I say comes from inside me

. When I start to weaken the resistance is not this thing separate from me that I have a relationship to and can welcome or not, it is more intimate than that, my being is entangled with this resistance like I am the resistance in a way , it’s not like some sensation in the body one can relate to . It is being allowed because it is happening helplessly. It just is suffering in itself

I’ve explained it many times now

It sounds crazy but i just sense how this vague self sooner or later will start to weaken again and then it’s like something deeper in this vessel takes over . And it’s not a matter of letting or not letting because I’m barely there to do anything at all

Nothing I can do about the process of dissolving? The thing is, describing this cycle the last weeks, when my sense of self weakens my sense of autonomy goes down, so it’s like something in me drives me to physical resistance automatically to try to maintain and build me up. How crazy as it sounds. It’s a very twisted cycle. then some sense of self is produced from exercise like right now it’s like I am this very vague baseline resting on itself but I don’t know how long it will hold itself up , and then back again in the cycle. Like it’s a very odd thing. What I’m describing about these last weeks as twisted as it sounds is just my description but it’s like this loop of attempt at self maintenance . The choice to let or not let something pass requires a self with autonomy, as I said as it weakens its like I don’t have that autonomy do decide to do this or that because I’m barely there

I could write more but I’ve written so much but it doesn’t really apply to this in my experience

From the most genuine place I am talking about the self which there is not really a relationship to because you are yourself. The kind of suffering when it weakens is different than you fearing something outside yourself

This is not about health related it’s about self and self only,

I’m equally if not more in disbelief about this than you. It’s not me who is crazy or weird, this vessel I was born into is just something else. And it has been like that my entire life.

it has been a process since I was a child. when I was a child. My experience of myself was that I was very far back in my skull and the outside world seemed extremely distant. then it was like this dense mind took a hold of me then slowly but surely all these layers of my mind dissolved and with each release it was like I moved “forward” and it’s like the distance between you and outside world lessen leading up to maybe a few weeks ago when it was like I was almost completely headless,( still is in this moment but very vague sense of me) like there’s almost nobody looking out the eyes. And then it’s like this pulling like it’s trying to hold itself and pull itself back. And it doesn’t feel like a choice. Then the exercise thing started so its a result of a lifelong process of change in this vessel.

Ofc that is possible. What can I say more than what I’ve already said?

That’s probably the best analogy I’ve come up with so far about why it’s hellish to be in this process of dissolving Imagine that you are a fire - you are suffering because you are burning yourself. But you can’t make the choice to stop burning yourself , because you literally are the fire the self is kind of this “activity” and it’s trying to keep itself alive. When it starts to dissolve it will fight even harder than before to keep itself alive - and that is hellish. It’s like strings pulling in all your being - but you are those strings so it’s choiceless

it’s not the sinking that feels like hell. It’s this sort of activity of trying to desperately pull back from sinking that is hell . And it’s not experienced as a choice like I’m the one doing that activity , it’s happening automatically and I am living it. Im not talking about self as in mental identities like I’m smart, im pretty , im nice etc, im talking about the solid center, when that starts to dissolve it doesn’t feel like I’m fighting to keep it alive, it just happens automatically by itself but it feels like hell. Like if you were a fire - you’re not committing the action of burning yourself because you are the very itself fire so it’s not experienced as a choice like “I could surrender” but it’s still hell

The interpretation doesn’t affect what I’m going through and have been going through it doesn’t hurt to interpret and talk about it. No problem in all this conceptualizing As I said I’m just interacting as myself with reality before I sink back down

That is okay. I understand all the responses I get and what people mean but it is not what I mean. And that is okay because it doesn’t change my experience unfortunately

It’s not closeminded ness it’s that it doesn’t describe my experience. I’m not here to convince anyone or argue, I don’t mind who responds or doesn’t . it’s a bit more tragic than that I’m just enjoying this little sense of self I have now produced and interacting with others as it, while I can before it starts to weaken again. i believe Jim Newman is perhaps the only one who would understand what I’m talking about based on all the “teachers” I’ve heard (although he talks about non duality so not really, but the way he talks about the self has some similarity) Me insisting on it being more fundamental is because I am precisely talking about the sense of center self. Isn’t is the most fundamental thing? And how it can change, the suffering connected to that, and resistance. Those are all words, but the experience of it is very real in experience .