eTorro

Hello everyone! Well, well, well. I was truly unconscious when I started to meditate. I didn't know what meditation was, so I made a vow to do it daily for the rest of my life. I couldn't say I wanted or desired to meditate, but because others talked about the benefits of it, I did it anyway, FORCEFULLY. After two years, I plunged into the dark night of the soul. I became suicidal. I had other severe mental-health issues, making me realize I was burnt out, feeling like an 80-year-old all the time. Couldn't get out of bed or be disciplined. Even buying groceries felt heavy. I was asking myself: "Why am I doing this? I don't want to be spiritual at all. There's no appeal for it." But I kept surrendering stuff, and that includes sex. I'm now a 33-year-old virgin, but it doesn't bother me at all since I made peace with the fact that I might remain a virgin due to my moral convictions (I believe in sex only after marriage, and that a good medium for kids is essential for a healthy society). In other words, I am okay with it after awakening (I wasn't OK with it before, but when the ego is gone, there's no need...); you get the idea. It was so difficult to meditate and let go—my chaotic ego wanted only worldly stuff. It was hell and really painful; it kept coming up, over and over again. I didn't really want spirituality. But somehow, I persevered, and I was hardcore on spirituality daily. I had to force it to the point of crashing, but I did it anyway. Kept letting go, again and again, forcefully. Only after six years of hardcore spirituality, my ego began to loosen. The painfully intense cravings for the world began to fade away. Now, I'm stunned that I was able to do this, despite not wanting to be spiritual at all, and since it had no appeal to me. But I see the benefits: I healed my toxic shame, social anxiety, the painful self-conscious feeling among peers, and other addictions. Not to mention the blissful states of awareness that are so peaceful... Some people say, "Why pursue spirituality when you are not really interested in it?" That might be true, but even if you have zero interest in it, you can still pursue it forcefully. Now, the thing is, I hadn't done what the ego craves, and I managed to transcend it through spiritual work despite not being interested in spirituality. Is that a wrong thing? Because I healed, and now I see no point in doing ego-stuff. I just rest in awareness most of the time. Is that wrong?

I agree. I experienced some heavy things, but I wasn't scared of any. I faced all the sh*t. I was letting go of it until my mind calmed down. If anyone struggles with the dark side of meditation, ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THERE IS A WAY OUT. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. KEEP LETTING GO, RELAX, AND KEEP IN MIND THAT THE HEAVY STUFF WILL PASS. YOUR MIND WILL RESET ITSELF. DON'T BELIEVE THE ONES WHO SAY THAT THERE IS NO WAY OUT. HEALING IS ACHIEVABLE, NO MATTER HOW DARK IT SEEMS OR FEELS.

Right now, I have no wounds whatsoever. It felt painful before awakening to my true nature and during the process. But those were healed as awareness crept in—I could sense how the pain subsided. I did not have to heal myself—the higher level of consciousness did that for me. And I remember how much pain I was in before starting to meditate: Toxic shame, insecurity, no discipline whatsoever, and unable to keep a basic job. I was addicted to social media, junk food, weed, and so forth. All that had to go away, or my life would have been ruined. While it is true that I sacrificed my ego and other forms of pleasure, that doesn't mean I lost something. Because the bliss of awareness is much more enjoyable than anything in the world or of the ego. I'm not saying that all people should do what I did; I am only saying that force was necessary sometimes, and that it's no easy game to overcome the ego. And the way I see it now is that it's not a tragedy or something bad that happened to me. I see it as a little bit of ego an struggle. That's it. And that's true, Elliott. For some people, because they struggle with heavy mental health issues, they will experience horrible side effects as a result of meditating. But they can be transcended and eventually healed. I went through that because I come from both families with harsh intergenerational trauma. My grandfather committed suicide.

But there are benefits to being way more conscious. You forgive everyone, including the ones who 'harmed' you at some point in your life or scammed you. There's no condemnation of people. I kept forgiving. I do not judge. I do not impose myself on people. So? Why am I wrong? I don't plan to hurt people because I don't want to be a Zen devil.

Because a burden was lifted off your shoulders, and life is way easier, and there's no resistance to work or whatever you do.

I understand what you mean, but without using painful force, how could I have stayed on the spiritual path and reached higher levels of awareness? Without applying harsh force, I would have remained a miserable ego, addicted to the world, pleasure, sex, materialism, money, and other delusions. I was heavily into that, by the way. My ego was into that, and I was into that before I had an awakening. So I had to use force against my will to reach higher levels of consciousness.

I had no idea why, and I can't answer that. I kept doing it blindfolded... But now, when I notice the difference between a hyperactive ego and a blissful state of mind that goes beyond it, I realize that awakening is worth it. It's such a tragedy that most people never experience the light of awareness. And I fully understand why: It's almost impossible to awaken to your true nature without wanting that or having a goal in mind. Most people never will.

It was difficult because my ego was hyperactive in resisting me doing the spiritual work. And I didn't want to transcend the ego that much. So I had to force myself to do what I didn't want to do—letting go of cravings, money, desire, sexuality, and all worldly stuff. I did spiritual work knowing clearly it wasn't for me (not only was my ego strongly against it—I myself was too); that's why it was so harsh. I basically did it with zero interest in the truth. I almost cracked psychologically. I even became suicidal. I can't explain the darkness—it was horrific. But hey! It's still possible to awaken, even though spirituality isn't for you, simply because you want the world or ego stuff so badly. I kept doing it against my will and against my ego. I forced, pushed, and continued daily despite not wanting to. That was the key.

Okay. That's fair.

I need to train myself—or the mind—to accept that one day I will be dead. Life on planet Earth is beautiful. The body is beautiful. A tree is beautiful. A breath of fresh air is precious. How can we all go beyond those and accept death as it takes us? How, @Leo Gura?

Hi. I was watching this video: And I realized that Leo would do us a favor by releasing it. I went through dark stuff after awakening but there are ego-leftovers. MANY. So... Only as a reminder.

A growing, deeply concerning narrative is emerging from Donald Trump and several of his senior officials regarding Greenland. What is being framed publicly as a matter of “national security” increasingly resembles something far more troubling: a willingness to override international law, national sovereignty, and ethical restraint in pursuit of strategic and economic gain. Greenland is not an unclaimed territory. It is part of the Kingdom of Denmark, a sovereign state and a NATO ally. More importantly, Greenland belongs to its people. International law is unequivocal on this matter. The UN Charter explicitly prohibits the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of any state. Any attempt—explicit or implied—to annex, coerce, or militarily seize Greenland would constitute a clear violation of these principles. The security argument does not hold up under scrutiny. The United States already maintains a military presence in Greenland, and both Denmark and Greenland have repeatedly stated they are open to cooperation on legitimate security concerns. There is no evidence supporting claims that Greenland is “surrounded” or imminently threatened by foreign adversaries. When security rhetoric is detached from facts, it becomes propaganda rather than policy. What does make sense, however, is the economic subtext. As climate change accelerates ice melt, Greenland is becoming more accessible to vast reserves of rare earth elements and strategic minerals—resources critical for future technologies, energy systems, and global economic dominance. This reframes the issue not as defense, but as extraction. Not protection, but control. History offers a clear warning here. The logic being used echoes 19th- and early 20th-century imperialism: powerful states claiming moral or security justifications to dominate weaker or smaller ones for resources. That mindset has led repeatedly to war, instability, and long-term global trauma. The modern international system was designed specifically to prevent this pattern from repeating. There is also a deeper, more philosophical issue at play—one especially relevant to a community like Actualized.org. Conscious leadership requires recognizing that might does not equal right. True strength is not the ability to impose one’s will, but the discipline to respect boundaries, sovereignty, and collective agreements even when power allows otherwise. A world where major powers openly threaten annexation is not a more secure world—it is a less conscious one. If NATO members begin treating each other as potential targets rather than partners, the entire foundation of post-war global stability erodes. International law only works if it is upheld consistently, not selectively. Once exceptions are made for “strong” countries, the system collapses into raw power dynamics. Greenland is not a chess piece. It is not a commodity. It is a home, a culture, and a sovereign territory governed by law and consent. Any future that involves coercion rather than cooperation is not progress—it is regression. This moment deserves serious reflection, not tribal politics. Because if international norms fall here, they fall everywhere.

Hello everyone! I'm still battling a daemon: my food addiction. I'm not obese or overweight, but I love eating, and I know I'm eating more than I should. If I try to stop it, it gets stronger; the craving becomes powerful, leaving me with the impression that I'm missing out if I don't eat. Sometimes I have no need for food—but that doesn't last long. Anyone battling this? It's tough.

Yes. I was "playing" toxic at work by ignoring women. I was testing them. I was so indifferent to them. And paradoxically, they all flock to me. Why? Being toxic stimulates their emotions, challenging their self-image, and how much they are worth. I think women get so much attention from men nowadays that if they stumble upon one that's indifferent to them, they immediately think that the guy is worth considering. Toxic men or attractive men aren't better than non-attractive men. Women are always finding that out. Relying on chemistry and emotions solely is wrong.

Hi. After years of consciousness work, I got to a point of clarity. I call it 'mind mastery.' I deconstructed lots of neurosis; anger, impatience, and whatever is of the ego. I saw Leo's Instagram reel about mastering your mind. Now that I have more clarity, I realized that I don't have to play the game of finances that much. I have family members who do just that, and they're very judgmental. If you're not making money, they secretly see you as incapable or not bright. They judge based on financial success. A family member told me to make money. They've been following me for years, and they sense that my values system changed. They notice I'm not longer hyper-active and insecure. They notice the level of calmness. But a thought has been torturing me: "Even though you become conscious, healthy, and strong, they won't respect you if you're not making money." And that's true. I sensed their judgement towards me. This is not a condemnation on my part, but I want to ask how should I deal with it. Because it does happen. Everything is seen through the lens of money, especially if you have business people in the family. To them, you're not worthy of respect if you're not forcing yourself to make money. But I don't care about money that much at the level of clarity. Thoughts?

We can't blame family members even if they're mean or too judgmental. That's the truth. We can use various people to teach ourselves how not to be. If they are abusive—some family members are bullies—we can train ourselves not to react and continue to remain calm no matter what. Keeping our cool under pressure is a form of mind training that leads to mastery of mind.

I agree. If you're not speaking from an ego point of view, there's no judgment. Nothing bothers you whatsoever.

That's not an issue for me. The only disappointment is that they think of themselves as better human beings. And they look at you with an air of superiority. They're family members, and that's puzzling to me. Just because you don't want to become a millionaire, that doesn't mean you are an inferior human being, or less capable than them, or less intelligent. That's what I don't get—what's wrong with people? And it is with others, too—people who come to the workplace and own businesses have that attitude, where they think of themselves as better human beings. You can sense that by the way they interact with you and with other people in their class. They treat human beings differently. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised; perhaps that's the modern world?

Because I wasn't able to concentrate—I had a scattered mind, and when I was trying to read a paragraph, I was getting hyperactive. The moment I started to read a sentence, frustration bubbled up to the point of becoming extremely hyperactive. It's that type of inner mental pain where your body starts to blush and overheat. In other words, I couldn't focus at all. Reading was mentally painful—so mentally painful. Also, I couldn't write. I was almost illiterate. I had so many issues that I can't describe them all. Social anxiety, awkwardness, lack of energy, depression, and other issues. I had to go through "mental fire" to purge all that crap. I had to force myself to focus, let go, and continue to surrender emotions, feelings, negative thoughts, neurotic patterns, shame, sadness, and so forth. It took me five years to notice a bit of progress, and I kept going. After seven years, I got the point of being able to write, read books, not lose my cool at my job, and basically be at ease with myself among people. I had many barriers, and it's almost difficult to explain because it was really intense—for example, people couldn't tolerate my awkwardness and my self-consciousness issues; it made them so uncomfortable. Just my presence made them uncomfortable. I had to solve a lot of crap. That is because I'm coming from a family of alcoholics and depressed mothers. Abandonment issues, trauma, violence, and so forth. But I don't see myself as a victim. I had to overcome lots of crap. Also, I had sleep apnea from an early age, and I was mouth brething. I never got into deep-sleep phases, so I was always tired, but tired to the point of being exhausted. I thought it was normal. So I had to pursue spirituality and awakening, and deconstruct all that neurotic, suicidal pain.

I'm working. I have a nine-to-five job. I have a piece of bread on the table and I don't struggle when it comes to paying the bills. I'm not a burden because I'm taking care of myself. I never ask for free money or anything free. I earn stuff. I'm living a simple life. That's an issue for my family members in the sense that they judge me for not striving to make six figures. What's wrong with that? Only asking. It's not an issue if I can't afford going on a vacation. I simply enjoy a peaceful life. If I were to go for a business, or anything, that would take an enormous amount of time, huge stress, and it would not be fulfilling. I'd rather have a job that I enjoy rather than burning myself out just to make millions. And family members don't appreciate that. That's why I'm asking. The spiritual path is not appreciated.

Hello. I see people on TV everywhere. They seem highly developed intellectually. They appear intellectually bright. They can express themselves concisely. You can easily understand what they said. Why can't I do the same? Why can't I express myself freely? Why can they do it so easily while I cannot? I feel like my mind is murky. What would solve this issue for me? What do I need to do to achieve that level of articulating understanding? Thanks, guys. Thanks in advance. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Yes, but the issue is that I do not memorize concepts. That said, when I'm making a YouTube video or film for the sake of testing my skills, words come up, but a deep insecurity lies beneath, in the sense that I'm not a master of the skill. Even though I do it right, I don't feel like I'm mastering it, and I'm confident in it. Why?

But can't you give us a link, please?

I'm incoherent. Sometimes it's easier, and sometimes words just won't come. Murky mind? Or maybe I did not memorize enough or contemplate enough for a deeper understanding. I'm the only one who can figure that out, and I WILL.

Damn! You bombed here. Deeper understanding is the key. Thanks.