tlowedajuicemayne

My facilitator told me to take three deep breaths, in out, in out, in out, focusing on the exhale. When I exhaled the third breath, he put the vape to my lips and I inhaled. This time, I told myself that I would inhale until he pulled the vape away. I told myself that I wouldn’t stop, no matter how scarred I was, I would just keep on inhaling. The inhale was warm and tasted like plastic. It was sharp on my lungs but not so much that I couldn’t handle it. I laid back on the matt, closed my eyes and waited for the come up to happen. It came on almost instantly, the deepest wave I’d ever felt came over me. I clenched my hands to the floor to try and hold on, but something called me to go deeper. I knew that it was pointless to struggle so I relaxed as the experienced took me away. I listened to the music as I went deeper and deeper. I recall thinking ‘he really dosed me this time.’ It felt a lot like being pulled into a deep underwater place. I could hear the music around me and that kept me feeling alright for a second or two but I began to lose sight of that as the current pulled me deeper. Before long I couldn’t feel my body, I couldn’t hear thoughts anymore, and I was just shooting far away into this place. My attention moved to this peace that I was feeling which outlasted the passing away of everything. I kept my attention on this peace as I fell apart. I repeated to myself as a part would fall away “I’m okay”, while I kept my attention on this peace that was making itself more and more visible. Another part of me would fall away and I would have a small freakout but then I would put my attention on this pervasive peace and it wouldn’t matter anymore. This place I was going into felt ancient, but alive. I recall a point where the experience felt tribal and it freaked me out a little. I was also freaked out by the fact that absolute reality was happening and that I was being, but then I was pulled away from all that too. Before I knew it, I was gone. I was completely and totally gone. It was then that I realized this peace was none other than myself. “I’m okay” I said softly as I became one with this peace. I don't know how long I was like this. It felt like forever. I then began to come back out of the experience. It felt like I was being birthed through a birth canal of some sort. As I came back into my body my first thought was ‘how the hell am I going to live after all this?’ but I remembered my shaman telling me that thinking during this experience isn’t necessary, that it just complicates things. That I had my whole life to contemplate what to do with this experience, that I should simply let it be while it was happening. I moved my arms and wiggled my toes. I began to laugh the hardest laugh I ever laughed as I realized that I was truly okay. Not ‘me’ as a personal self but ‘Me’ as Reality, God, whatever you want to call it. I am okay. I laughed so hard! Then, I cried with my whole soul. 30 years I’ve wandered in existence feeling like something was wrong with me. I felt as though I had to become wise, become successful, be better, make money, have sex, etc. to fill this hole within me. My whole life up to this point was built on an insecurity that I didn’t even know I had. I mourned for all the years I’d wandered in darkness. I cried for all the years that I had forgotten I was Absolute Infinity. I then laughed as it was the most brilliant realization I’d ever had. I laughed for how fooled I was, how far I’d come despite being fooled, and I even laughed for no reason at all. I processed a lot of feelings on the mat. I left a lot behind. I left the most fundamental insecurity I had on the mat and walked away from it forever. Now I see a clear distinction between my authentic self and my domesticated self. I want to live in alignment with my authentic self and I know that the next move to make is to start to take my life apart, piece by piece and rebuild it from this new place. For the last 8 years or so I’ve been in countless meditation retreats, I’ve sat thousands of hours, all the time wondering what all this is for, what reality is. So here’s the quick version for any of you who are also wondering- It doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t matter what purpose you give it, it doesn’t matter what you do within it, none of it matters. You are okay, You are worth it, you are whole and complete, you are perfect and amazing. That amazing place within me, where my absolute true nature is visible, is also within you. Should you take 5MEO DMT yourself and go all the way or sit on a cushion for 30 years, you will see this same Truth for yourself. You don’t need to go sit for 30 years at a monastery, you don’t need to be nice, or good, or anything. You are always right here, as yourself. There is nothing to attain, nothing to get, nothing to want, nothing to do. You are worthy of it all. You are beyond it all. With love.

To get confidence you have to go do a thing. If you wanna be confident with women, go get good with women. If you wanna be confident in your work, go get really good at your work. There is no other way. Those who came the funk always get exposed.

Not a lot about this out yet as it just happened a few hours ago. I'll post the video below. What are your thoughts on this?

After taking a few LSD trips I didn't feel the desire to achieve any real wealth. I put my work down and focused exclusively on spirituality for many years. Now I'm at the point where I realize that I need to make money and achieve wealth but it's not coming from a place of emptiness or angst. It's coming from a place of peace. The wealth will come when it does, I don't really need it. I guess I'm saying all this to reassure you that things come full circle. Psychedelics may put you off the path to materialistic wealth for a while but as long as you don't become a basement dweller you'll come out alright in the end. It's more about you and your attitude to develop and grow no matter what that counts.

This video is an absolute masterpiece and I'm so grateful to you for making it. How you articulate the Truths here is a true work of art. Thank you!

@Thought Art yeah I've also had a few of those "duuh" moments or "oh yeah" moments as well. I wonder if it's not so much about the realization and more about the method of accomplishing it? After all it's me. Why am I terrified of myself? I'm a loving being.

Thanks to DMT I can access God consciousness while smoking marijuana but when I drop my body and become infinite, it's terrifying to me. When I see how my mind is imagining others, I feel terrified. Does this ever stop being so damn scary? Thanks

@Leo Gura have you managed to attain any level of realization in your daily life? Or do you also fall back into delusion soon after?

@Leo Gura are you aware of a way to stay in that level of consciousness as a baseline? I can have God realization on marijuana but I always come back to my regular waking state a few days later. What gives?

Zen koans are great to practice. I've been practicing Mu for three years or so and it's changed my life. I highly recommend working with a teacher while you practice as koans are not an intellectual exercise.

Awesome trip report. Cheers friend

After a kensho my teacher stopped using these words for a while. It didn't do much and he reverted back some time later. I'm sure there's merit in it but I think not being attached to the meanings is more important than bypassing the use of the word.

It takes a long time. If you want a boost, try a microdose of your psychedelic of choice before hand. The real process takes many years. Striving only makes it take longer.

This is a poetic sort of reflection on how my koan practice has evolved since starting three years ago. Each time you come back to the present moment, you go a little deeper.At first it's subtle but later it becomes more potent. The realization that form is free of thought, that you are free of thought, reveals itself. Then what is it? If it is not what I think it is, then what is it really? You turn and listen, but not with your ears only. You listen with all your senses, for a reply. What is it? Listen. A wonder reveals itself, thickening each time you listen. You realize that you are made out of it. The mystery you keep returning to, its your skin and bones. It is your feelings and thoughts. It is everything. Except your thoughts about it. And simultaneously, it is those too. What is it? Mu. It is mu. Mu. mu. mu. what is it? Listen. Mu. Listen. It is infinity! No, Mu. It is God! mu (no) It is being! mu. It is alien! It is beautiful! mu. Well then what is mu? Mu. Listen. Mu. Listen. It is - mu. Oh I know what it- Mu. Mu. Mu. Special state of consciousness appears. It is that! Mu (no) return. Mu. I get horny. Ooh I should have sex with my girlfriend. Mu. Not it. Mu. Mu. Mu becomes primary, the flow of events become secondary. Mu. Mu. Mu. Work and sleep. Mu. Crave and avert. Mu What is it? Deep feeling of mystery. Mu. (Disregarding it) Mu.