Esilda

Back here . One step back... I need to work on my validation and approval seeking tendencies. Question to me, how is my lack of confidence related to my need for validation? How is it at all sustainable for me to maintain my confidence if I need the approval of other people? I feel like I'm at square one though at the same time I know I'm not, I've made a lot of progress with this journal it just seems that I have more work than I realised.

@mandyjw

I feel so embarrassed with my journal right now. I feel like deleting everything, i can't get myself to write

I feel my ego opening wide open right now. That consciousness of life and death is seeing right through me. I feel her...

Thank you soooo much for the encouragement . I'll be taking notes on your videos from now on I quite like them , if you want to share anymore tips say for presentation and how you talk about topics I would be grateful absolutely zero pressure here though .

This is so difficult for me right now... I've fallen into a kind of depression as I have so many emotions here that I'm still figuring out how to process... I just have to keep writing, writing, writing and writing them all out... Aunt Mary, I will do all of my memories of you justice.

Aunt Mary, although I never got to appreciate you until I was an adult you brought so much structure to our family network that without there would have been so much more conflict in the family lineage. Your cheerfulness, unyielding positivity and warmth. Your family get together's that forced us all to reconsider our differences if for just an evening were by far my favourite memories of being in our dysfunctional family. Now that you're gone, the separation that created our mess is left for its inevitable chaos, we have no one to bring us together anymore and I'm not so sure people respect me enough in our family for me to play that role yet because of my age and where I am in in life. Things are going to fall apart even more and I'm really worried for the family as a whole, through your example though I will remember your infectious laugh through the toughest of times. Continuing...

Have been spending time grieving due to the death of a loved one for a little while now. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to open myself back up to this journal. I hope people don't mind me saying that I'd like this journal to be relatively quiet until I'm done processing my experiences on my grieving process. Thank you so much for your understanding everyone in advance .

I've never done psychedelics, I come from a pretty conservative background and my social circle mainly consists of academics and people with relatively professional jobs where there interest in the hard stuff doesn't really include too much beyond anything that is alcoholic and cigarette based or maybe they just haven't told me. It's possible they just see me as this geeky person and I'm not in the "in" of other stuff they might do because they know about my background and activities. I'm just probably being self conscious at the moment though. I wouldn't even know where to get psychedelics though I am interested. To answer the question, isn't that just about survival? Love for some people would be opposite for their sense of survival......What are you thinking?

I agree that people can mis-interpret and go overboard, what have been your personal experiences with this?

What science are you using?

You're so much more independently minded than me what an inspiration! I never really thought about starting a channel until now I think it would be real boost to my confidence , even just a place to practice my talking . I'd like to take on less of a follower role but I struggle with the speaking confidence with other people. You're so articulate and you say your ideas really well! (plus obviously no script!) Would you describe yourself as enlightened? That's just a really striking statement to me, "playing a person" . I really enjoyed reading your response thx for taking the time to write it and checking out your latest video now!

I just want my world to make sense and right now... It just doesn't... Finding my way .......

I've been doing meals on wheels once a week for a while and I've just never thought about journalling about my experiences until now . This gives me the opportunity to feel into the subject more generally too, wondering what role I might play in other forms of selflessness and even forms of activism .

@RickyFitts

@RickyFitts I'm still in grieving mode (a family member has recently passed away)... I'm not so sure when I'm going to get the motivation to start doing this more. I just feel a bit weak. I'm going to have to figure out a way to start getting my wheels in motion more. I'm just.. Stuck at the moment.

I have to run outside more often as well, we have beautiful landscapes that aren't too far away I'm just so used to running on a treadmill Wow that's insightful . I'm not especially chatty at the moment... I've never thought about starting a YouTube channel, I don't think I'm wise enough yet. What was your biggest motivator for starting and what drives you these days?

These are just thoughts rattling around in my brain in all honesty I feel this massive massive urge to make a difference and I'm feeling I'm just trying to sort out how to do that right now. Maybe I'm not really ready for the transition. Maybe this should just be about me trying to figure everything out all of my feelings here and feel into where my intuition can take me. Yes I feel this is what this is. I have to create the feeling space for everything first before everything is going to feel real to me in my heart.

@RickyFitts I'm giong to start taking my entries more seriously now though. I really want to start making a positive impact in all ways possible with my words if I'm to really become a woman that other women can look to in a positive way

Things I need to work on: procrastination social anxiety Adding to later.

@Revolutionary Think That's fantastic , keep us updated with your progress if you like!

To myself, There's so many people around the world that are less fortunate than me in so many different ways, what are qualities I need to change within myself to become the person that reflects a world that they still want to be a part of in their lowest of lows? How can I become an example for those around me as a woman more? I'm stepping out of my codependence and into a world of interdependence where the world meets me and I meet the world.

@mandyjw Do you meditate? You have such a peaceful demeanour that I'd like to emulate, like much, much centered than me at least on camera. I've now just started doing Wim Hof and I find that this helps me a lot.

@RickyFitts @SLuxy Trying for tonight... a busy work day .

STAAAAAARTING NOW!!! FEEEEELING GOOD GOOD GOOD MOOOOOOOOOOD I’ve learned soooo much from my experiences with meals on wheels. I always knew going in that I would gain more than simply making someone a meal and handing it to them and feeling good about myself, I just never knew in what directions it would go. I’ve learned to step into the life of others much more than I ever planned for and live life from other peoples perspectives much, much better. I’ve always been drawn to help people but before meals on wheels I never really spent much more time wondering about the experiences of other people for much longer than the relationship I had with them and definitely not people that are way outside my social circle. I even went on a 6 day water fast just to get to know what it was like not to have much food and I think it was even my 4th or 5th day where I did a meals on wheels for people and it was especially then I was able to connect more in a down to earth way with them. It’s an environment where everyone is just so kind to one another. We start everyone out on a good note by connecting on the act that we’re all here to be there for one another and that creates an atmosphere that brings out the warm and fuzzies. We get some people looking for a meal that sometimes get grouchy though the more experience you get the more you realise it just comes from where they are in life so we have a lot of tolerance because most of the time it doesn’t last long and everyone is pretty good anyway. I’ve been a part of a lot of different duties, I’ve been a part of recruitment, making and handing meals, deliveries, shopping, providing information for counselling, preparing the area and training new recruits (its not too complicated). I feel like I want to keep going at least until the end of this year, for me though its provided a major shift in my horizons to what I believe is now possible and how I can contribute to my local community and just the world as a whole. …. I have to go to bed now… I get really nervous about first entries so to be honest I’m just happy to move to the next day and start the next entry