Jannes

I am super confused with what this evening even was. It was kind of a fever dream literally. I think the wpmi-girl wants me to be genuinely interested in her and is hurt when I am not. .. The medicinet is wearing off. It was amazing on monday but was kind of shit afterwards .. mmh ..

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I think the wpmi-girl just wants to feel saught-after and in power and I am not giving her that feeling. This might be why she is constantly chatting with other guys to get that sense back.

That went horribly. Well she said she was okay with talking but it was all a little weird. She came a little later and then first chatted with some other people outside before greeting me. We had a nice chat. Another girl I had a difficult dynamic with also came after quite some time. I flirted with her quite a lot before but didnt want anything romantic so I stopped and then she didnt come for some time. For some reason she seemed super interested and into flirting with me. Well we catched eyes once and shortly afterwards the wpmi-girl went outside for a break. Not sure if she catched that. She seemed a bit distant. And then at some point she decided to go. I asked if we dont want to talk anymore and she said she doenst has capacity for it today. I prepared myself emotionally so much and then just didnt need to do it. For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then.

I think this is a little detail which is worth gold examining. I recently walked through the streets and saw a girl with hair which looked a bit like this at the neck, it was just a little shorter. It kind of looked like the tail of a rat on her. I cant be 100% sure, but she seemed like a leftist. And then this got me thinking, wearing hair which looks like a rat tail takes a lot of openmindedness, because loving rats is against humans survival agenda. But I guess exactly that made it all the more interesting, I absolutely loved it. Then I put the dots together, when you see development as widening your circle of love to more and more different things and the transcendence of ones own narrow survival agenda and when you see leftists as higher on this spectrum, this haircut makes perfect sense as a manifestation of these truths.

A person who expresses these traits is likely a leftist but many leftist look very normal.

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though.

Yeah. So you are saying you trained with shit technique? What exercises did you do?

Feeling kind of sick. It was the same before when I was "microdosing" medicinet. There is just so much more energy and emotional processing that my system may be overloaded a bit.

I was so horny when I was sleeping today. Thought about a girl where I rejected sex before for complex reasons but I have so much desire to sleep with her actually.

Controlled back strength training can be very beneficial for back health, have you done any exercises wrong?

Brain-rot has its own category of how it feels like I just noticed:

With medicinet I am a lot more capable of giving strong responses/ verbal comebacks in conflict situations but I loose my pokerface. You can actually catch me. Without medication I have a pokerface but I am not capable of strong responses/ verbal comebacks in conflict situations.

I am afraid that I become dependent of medicinet. The sort of confidence I had yesterday, all the jokes I easily accessed .. I cant really replicate that without medication I think. But also I am not sure if medicinet numbs my brain, that could be the case as well.

I experienced a short moment of spiritual joy. When I looked out of the window into nature I experienced everything so raw, it had a profound beauty to it that cant be put into words. I rememebered that this was part of my everyday reality when I was younger.

Couldnt sleep that well. I woke up and had a good one hour break with a snack and some youtube until I got calm enough to sleep again. Thats a possible side effect of medicinet unfortunately. I experienced the same thing with body doubling though, so maybe its just because I tackled so many things yesterday that my system couldnt fully relax.

People already did this as soon as dating apps were a thing, havent heard of anyone selling the technology though. Yeah it is unethical because this information will get out and people will have less trust in dating apps in general, ruining the experience for anyone. Imagine building a connection with someone on this App but then being cautious that it might be a trick and holding back. Also a guy who is bad at texting probably wont just be great at chatting at the date, which will be confusing for the women.

Chatted with her bf who is a friend of mine today. He spoke about their sex life and that they opened up once at festival times. The rules however were that no one they knew was allowed and that that person should never be seen again. WTF This girl is kind of the highest anker of morality I could find Well, he also spoke about that she was way less experienced sexually than him, so maybe thats what I am offering, an exciting adventure to explore sexuality.

I thought the effect wasnt that strong of medicinet but at impro acting today and socializing I owned. It did make a huge difference.

Had my first day at university in the semester again. Seems very chill so far. Made a new contact and another girl I also saw asked to hang out. I wonder if she is poly or just very comfortable with me. Its like making connection is effortless. Interestingly with this girl I was more able to form a bond or be comfortable then with the wpmi-girl. I think its simply a power dynamic thing, she is younger then the wpmi-girl. I also think I am just lacking experience with the wpmi-girl. She may open up a dynamic which I cant see and would need to learn first to appreciate.

I havent thought about that I can use my medicinet to learn other stuff like kniting. Usually I dont have the calm to learn something new but I can use medicinet to do that and then I have something to do to process my emotions without the medication. That might be a plan.

🍄 - Day It wasnt really that insightful though. What I find interesting about that is that the one time I was at the festival with this girl eating chocolate, I was way more interested in deep contemplation. I guess my survival situation was handled for in that moment .. ...

She wasnt quite my type physically. The last couple of times she looked better though. Not sure if she did something with her looks or if I think she looks better because I am invested.

Here is the evildoer.

This situation however did open my mind to new possibilities. I just didnt really know how to get something like this done, so in all honesty I am more interested in casual sex with multiple people then I admit to myself because I fear that I fuck up. Not sure how to go about the wpmi-girl now ..