Jannes

Maybe he got an ego backlash so he lives fully embraces the mortal self now.

Okay so she writes that the party was great but doesn't comment on me saying that the walk made me hungry on which she could have replied that she is hungry as well. I think I was to subtle.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

The name Gobliss isn't taken yet. A mixture of Goblin and Bliss.. meh

Thinking about some companies name while I wait for a possible response. Eh I put too much into it it feels like. Anyway I only found 3 companies with Goblin in there. I want a sorta weird name for my companie. I am really bad at finding names though. Will need to work with chatgpt for that.

The party is over, steps are initiated. I hope I fail so I can get some rest and sleep.

The hot girl wrote me back that she is still there!!! I didn't check properly. Well I could tell her that I am getting hungry and we could meet to get a snack. The party should be over any minute now. Why the hell is my mind working so sharply when I just want to get to sleep..

After carefully selecting my outfit so I wouldn't look like a afd voter I got to the place at around 3 am. The floor was only open for about 30 more mins and my friend was already gone. What a waste of time. Although the spot is cool. I didn't stay there for longer then a minute but I will keep the place in mind for the future.

The adhd mind can grow till you are 30 in the decision making region. Thank god

Okay so she writes it's cool there, the music is good. I don't feel the dancing part. The thing is that she kinda wanted to cheat with me on multiple occasions. That I am cool with her pretty much hurts my integrity. Well the only reason I would go is because of her friend. Which could be a lure. When I flirted with another girl before her she didn't seem cool with it so there is little reason to believe that she brought her friend for me. too much thinking

I needed an hour to transform my inner state lol. From enjoying swimming in my inner pain and sorrow to going into fight mode.

That's never how it's going for me, I usually stay the whole night then and that means I am fucked up for tomorrow. And it signals I am needy when I jump at the first opportunity. (to the girl) I wrote her and asked how it's going atm. No reply after 10 mins yet, will see.

If somehow all the girls know each other and she is now interested cause the other girl makes that WhatsApp pic I am going mad. I haven't decided on anything yet but I am becoming increasingly sleepy. It's probably dumb to pass this chance.

I feel a lot of emotions right. I kinda want to coil in and sleep. A friend of mine just told me she was going to a party evening. I am not feeling it at all. Now she says she is bringing a friend with her which I want to bang and who probably has the same interest. This is such an awkward energy shift. I really committed to being a sad fuck right now, what the hell men. I don't know what to do.

So the other thing.. A letter arrived. .. It almost seems like a blue and red pill are presented to me now.

I dont really know what to make out of it.

Couple of important things are going on right now. For one, a member of the old theatre club changed her WhatsApp picture a few days ago. Its pretty hilarious, she has a bloody nose and a nipper in her hand. Basically someone who goes crazy for love in over the top anime style. Next to her another girl from the old theatre club holding up a nub as one of her eyes. I have seen the outfit of the second ones a couple of times. And the message was pretty clear. She was very toxic to me and I was so emotionally unstable that I was kinda helples. At one point when she did make up she was like I could clock off your eye so easily.. Well, when I left the theatre club without saying goodbye, maybe there was some internal pushback and that was a good low milestone to symbolically express that she was sorry. In this way another girl also expressed some of it. And now this .. my anger dates back years ago towards her but thats symbolically such a big commitment.

Thats a mythical fantasy that never was. Nature is a piece of shit. That we survived till today doesnt mean me thrived. We could have just barely scraped by. That is not to say all modern inventions are good, there is plenty of shit in the foods industry.

I feel like shit, low energy and anxiety to leave the house. Not sure where it is from actually. I made so much social progress last week that its pretty humbling to crash like that, I thought I was going through the roof in the weeks to come. I think it is a combination of needing rest, the situation with the girl I have romantic interest in, a ton of Netflix yesterday and that I hid away yesterday because of my skin treatment which triggered lots of old patterns of insecurity of when I had very bad skin.. maybe I am going through the roof at some point after all.

NO, I didnt listen to anyone, I paid for an omega3 test before the experiment and after the experiment to see if very large omega3 intake of plants convert into enough EPA and DHA and they dont, my levels were to low despite optimizing everything. I consumed like 10-20g of flax seed fat every day. You loosen scientific authority where it doesnt fit your worldview. When it fits your worldview its suddenly valid science.

I have it in roller coasters. Whenever it goes down very fast. I dont fear anything intellectually but my anus goes crazy. Or my root chakra. Something like this.

"Where in the devils mind are you?"

Plant omega 3 doesnt have EPA and DHA, it needs to be converted first. And the conversion is really bad. I tried it. For a long time span I had a perfect 1 to 1 omega 3 to omega 6 ratio which I archieved with lots of flax seed and flax seed oil. Did a test for omega 3 and I very low on EPA and DHA. That needs to be supplemented.

I dreamed about an old friend of mine today. I think my current social progress triggers me a lot. This reminds me a lot of when I was thinking about my progress in the gym. There were so many phases which didnt really do shit for me and so I had a very though time to quantify when progress even happened and for how long. Its the same with socializing, so many shitty phases with kinda progress, steps back and forth and so on. I probably learned a lot even when things went shitty. I think much of the progress would show if I was simly more healed and confident.