Jannes

A girl in our group had her birthday at midnight. I was the only one who didnt congratulate. I am also probably one of the few who didnt know her as well but still. I was looking for any authentic impulse but I just couldnt find one, I felt empty. When I dreamed today I thought about a girl who is friends of the lovebomber girl -- thats how I am gonna call her now, the lovebomber girl, even though she didnt technically did lovebombing all the way. Anyway so I dreamed that she, the friend of the lovebomber girl, would play into a football team and was kind of underrated but was actually a pretty good player. Not sure how that came about but she did some attempts of building some connection which seemed pretty genuine which I value a lot.

Ah men, I feel weird. A bit burned out emotionally.

The one girl who wasnt really my type is now the gf of the guy who went to the festival with me. I cant believe that, he is very good looking, extroverted, fun to be around and now takes her as her gf. Basically the same with his ex who broke up with him and who he still has feelings for. Its a trip. Especially because I feel inferior to him in many ways.

Such a long chill evening. Not at Berlin though. Microdosed a bit which got me thinking. I am trying to be cool and it creates a lot of suffering.. why am I doing that? Duh I dont feel like I am okay how I am. I cant really initiate any cool vibes. Woah that is something I noticed and struggled with for more then a decade though.. maybe thats why I tried pick up.. I can point to whats missing and it feels like a blockade in my belly chakra. Well that naturally desolves in the right environement. I am perfectly okay how I am, I could always find people. Its not that I didnt have success with women before, its just that I couldnt make choices that felt good to me. I spent time with all these people but I never felt like I got warm socially until the very end, when only 3 of us were left. That was so nice though, made the whole evening worth it.

I had three workouts relatively close to each other. I look buff holy shit. Well there are levels of course, but I am very satisfied, nothing needs to be added there for my taste. Only the legs maybe. I can call myself very lucky for my physique.

Plan is to go out and party with a few friends in Berlin today and likely tomorrow. This is a perfect opportunity to let go of complacency. Although not sure if its as good as going out alone. I noticed back then when I went out once and had to basically make all the approaches myself then this would help with socializing for the rest of the week. But also I have learned that I can connect to people by just being myself, not pretending anything. There is truth in both. Maybe I just need to talk to more people I am interested in, in a way of just being myself. Yeah. What am I missing though.. confidence I guess.

Saw a few eyes from girls who seemed to notice that as well. This is so annoying. I am not sure what the game is that is being played here, as I am too involved in it. I would like to not think about it, but when I just relax into it, other people take advantage of it. Thats what it feels like at least. Too selfish to see clearly.

From the old theatre club this one guys gf looked unrecognizable she lost so much weight even though she looked great before. Not sure if he put pressure on her, but he is a player. Maybe I shouldnt let myself get pressure by people with no moral code -- but a moral highground doesnt improve my survival situation, it can only help me not wanting to survive in an egoistical manner that much.

The old theatre club was in a sense a highly compedetive place because everybody was free to pretend there. Maybe thats why this haunts me so much or maybe just in general a club of course includes comparison. ... There is a lot of freedom in having little status because with high status you feel like you need to protect it. But also low status itself isnt protective.

Didnt sleep that peacefully today. There is still a bit of strain that I hold.

Okay thats not actually true but I really dont feel that much in a social state. It was a lot though, gym before with another guy, then the social for like 5 hours including meeting the people from the old theatre spot again. I realize that many of the people there dont really want to hang out with me, I was going for a hug and they started with a handshake. Something similiar happened a few days ago. I was so emotionally unstable, of course it was hard to connect to me, but I am only now really capable of accepting where I stood or moreso embody it. If they dont want it I am not desperate, thats it. But that is emotionally really though. Hence why I might be a bit low now. Actually with one guy it might be a bit different. At one point he seemed to want to built some dynamic up, but it was so random. He is also pretty young though. I dont know I need to ground myself in something solid again. At the beginning of the week I was in such a social state from partying in a group where I felt accepted in that I even liked talking to doctors on the phone for some socializing haha. What I really miss though is one person I can share some deep things with.

An element of confidence in socializing is by having many people with whom you have good connection with. It mirrors how the unconscious mind functions.

Because of adhd I often miss small details and comments which could lead to small talk and more. Wow!

I am feeling scared for some reason.. AFTERWARDS!?!?!?!?

So this night today got me thinking a lot. I was unhappy today from an ego perspective. I noticed the past couple of times how I got more and more complacent. The people around me are a result of that. Its not like they are toxic people but I could aim higher. This one girl also gets a little cheeky, she acts to be close to me I think to get a thrill out of it which is a bit annoying. But its not like I am bound to here, I would just need to go to different people. For some people I created space though which also plays into it. Also saw three of the people of my old theatre club today. And it brought this whole vibe of back then again. I had a low status position there and I just play right into it again. That and I also feel pressure to basically be cool. They had a little smirk when they saw that girl being a little close to me which triggered me. I shouldnt give a fuck about it but I do. At some point to get out of my usual routine I made a short discovery round which made me feel like I am in control again and increased my vibe. Generally I want to be more proactive simply because I enjoy the experience more this way myself. The moments before the summer break when I was really feeling myself was when I was very active. Also saw the one girl who showered me with love the last time. She looked more attractive today pushing over the edge. She left early because of work but told me she would stay longer next time so she would be there for me. I liked that with her as well but again she was way more active then me. Which makes sense because I am usually not that active. Really what I am contemplating is what I have to do to grow my confidence.

At least you can turn off smartphones, so you arent literally 100% glued to it. I dont feel the vibe, but I will be interested to hear of other peoples experience with it.

I seemed to have saved that or at least made it okay again. I dont have access to all my trauma of course but I can learn to identify it and then when I notice that it comes up choose to take a strategy to go about it, like waiting until the storm is over, otherwise it will pull me in.

I was kinda scared to go today. Quite a lot of social situations needed handling and I wasnt really feeling it as I was pretty isolated the last couple of days. But this turned into one of the best social evenings yet. ____ Some observations. There were a few attractive new girls there and I didnt want to approach them yet, as I hadnt reached a social state yet. They werent immediately picked on though, this isnt a hardcore environement, a hot girl can just chill there on here own for a while. But one guy approached this one girl. He was the guy who already got a girl another time where I felt a little jealous. He definitely got some pick up energy. Felt jealous again. He had his girl there though, but she seemed to accept, they likely have a poly thing going on. Another girl wanted to hear my story about the girls there. I told her the story. It was weird, I usually only open up to people close to me or to randos haha. Afterwards I felt much more comfortable at the social place interestingly. The artist girl has a boyfriend. I find it likely that she wanted to test the waters a little at least but she does have a lot of friends, including male friends.

What is weird is that I wasnt really interested in sex recently even though my mind was constantly planning around it. I didnt actually feel horny. But now recently it came back a bit. I think it has to do with opening up more socially. I read somewhere that for women they need a safe space and emotional stability to open up, maybe its the same for me.

Just had a tiny Déjà vu. Understood. My mind has a tendency to get side tracked because of neurodivergency, I try to be mindful of that as this is not the first time. However the story of how he got rid of the gun seems weird and that has to be said.

This guy seems to have found the bullet in the recording which couldnt have come from a shot from the front but from the side as the guy in the other video says. Time stamped it for ya.

I really need to test adhd medication. All I need is an EKG first. Its too late to call anybody, when I sleep to midday I dont get to work in time.

I just noticed yesterday how much adhd I actually have. At impro acting we needed to follow the plot closely in a game and I could maybe follow for 2 seconds.

Socializing really does feel satisfying to me. Not sure how far this will go but lots of happy emotions emerged from connecting to people recently.

I am at the process of changing my studies atm. In moments like this there is always a lot of stirring going on. I felt bad for not taking on math for example. Right now I feel strong emotions towards acting, well not acting in particular, acting in theatre. Even in spaces where we do act, I think I am often the one who takes it most serious. I am still in the process of opening up. I might just find my talent a little to late. Welp as a hobby the theatre is always open.