Jannes

Had my first introduction session for my Remote Viewing training today. Went okay-ish. My trainer said my concentration/ focus is fine, however I take to much time when I describe the essence that I view so that my mind takes over. Which is true, I struggle to articulate the essence I view through my intuition. He said however that this is a natural process, that the mind needs to learn to take the intuition as soon as it comes. Will have 30 sessions of training on my own until the next training session comes. It feels good to have something to work towards, finding my own motivation would be hard.

I feel like almost everything I built without medication socially is bullshit. I kind of need to start from the buttom. Which is no problem though with my new skills. However when I dont take my medication anymore maybe the exact same thing will happen, that I feel that everything I built then was bullshit. I am still at a low dose though, so it shouldnt be that drastic. WAIT, its already pretty drastic..

I wrote the wpmi-girl yesterday evening how her weekend was going (setting up to ask for a walk which she offered last time) However shortly after she didnt reply I noticed that I kind of hoped that she wouldnt reply because I wouldnt really know what to say at the walk. I am not that emotionally invested into her, its just that I kind of already acted like and hold space for something special and this variable needs to be grounded with reality. There is potential to form this into some other thing, I just dont like this variable. But also I feel like I am responsible here. If she would just not respond, then this variable would at least manifest itself and I would have a clear direction.

Went for a little night walk outside. I dont even know what I am doing flirting with everyone. I am just interested in a relationship with one girl. I dont even care about sex really, so there is like no reason why I would chase that.

Goddammit, I just managed to get a new trainings partner girl. I wanted to get clear with the wpmi-girl first though.

Because I just realize how much more I am able to manipulate.

When I dont have dopamine in my system to bullshit, also raw truth remains ( ? ).

Whats weird is that I constantly expect to be unliked for my new medicated behaviour. I dont really have the same sensitivity as before I feel.

I feel like without medication I often gave hints to people that they should make the initiative. With medicinet I realize how much initiative I suddenly take. An issue before was that I didnt even feel like I invested anything into another person, now when I take the initiative this feels way more healthy. Also because I take the initiative more there is more and clearer choosing on my end what I want.

I feel like with medicinet I am more prone to get addicted to youtube and become lazy. Or I just notice more that I already am. I feel pretty sick from my minds point of view, like consuming a ton of junk. I think if I have the talk with the wpmi-girl then a lot of pressure will be lifted which hopefully will make my youtube addiction more managable. Didnt make process with kitting unfortunately today, it kind of sucks learning it from video.

World between worlds I love the world between worlds in Star Wars. I wonder what the source of the inspiration for creating such a place was. "This mystical realm connects all of time and space, creating a conduit between the living and the dead. Those who control this plane would possess mastery over all of existence, but gaining access has proved an unexpected challenge." ―Darth Sidious Interestingly enough Remote Viewer describe the source from which they view in basically the same way. (Without the artistic expression of course)

Looked through an old discord chat with him. He posted this in the chat sometime ago. What I find interesting about it this intense drama catches me so hard. Especially from the last of us, I would love to inhale all the drama and pain and suffering. What is that all about, I thought thats something bad and to avoid .. ? I think it also makes you conscious of how much you love things.

This is the exact dynamic which explains how I quit the friendship with my old friend. I was in a relatively strong survival situation and was very idealistic to help him. When my survival situation was really really compromised I broke up the friendship to get a boost which I had given away for free. I still think most days about it, its plaguing me. I broke up the friendship in such a painful manner. I want to write something but most of what I wrote was just true, too harsh to digest though. But I dont know how I could correct this, because I couldnt take all my words back without lying.

The basics are - Something to clean your face with - Something to moisture your skin - UV and UVA sun protection I am also using retinal, with the scientific promise, that it will pay dividents in the long rode. Its basically the light version of Tretinoin which I may check out though.

Back then I loved this scene from Wolfenstein. Thats a proper bad guy.

Because I am so sensitive because of adhd, I can craft a much more clean version of love then many other people. On the other hand Trump has adhd so ...

I read a bit in the RV book and there is a section where they try to express what the source of information for the remote viewer may be and the description pretty much perfetctly matches what this artistically expresses.

When love is scarce I like this artistic expression in the Midnight Gospel of a dark and unforgiving planet. Well, pretty much any artistic genre ever intuitively grasped this and could express it artistically if it needed to. But whats really being expressed there? When love is scarce, consciousness turns into night mode. The rules change. One is lucky to get the little sweet stuff from a fruit packed full of spikes and protective mechanisms and not get tricked by it in the process. Because love is such a scarce resource, everyone needs to protect the little love they have and find more and more clever ways to get it from everyone else. The second picture here, which is on Leos Blog, expresses the oppsite. Ones own survival agenda is given up. Its hard to imagine but it likely creates a flourishing, orgasmic, unburdend kind of place. Development of society/ consciousness at large can be mapped into a spectrum of these two expressions of love — from pure egoism to transcendence of ones survival agenda.

One of my very first axioms let's say of how I wanted to conduct my life was to pretend like I am the worst and get all the negative shit from that and behind it all act good without anyone knowing and without any of the benefits. The goal being it was to do something good for its own sake and not letting anyone take that away from me -- letting other people tell me how well I did and giving me benefits for it and then making it about the benefits instead of something I did for its own sake. .. I was very idealistic back then

Cap on levels of consciousness When you look at much of what humanity created in terms of humor, beauty, love it seems that at some point there is kind of a cap to it. I often ask myself if there is a higher quality of beauty, humor, love and intelligence out there that we as humans could experience and what that would be like. But a higher form would seemingly only be accessible from a higher state of consciousness. And maybe the current state of conscious experience most of us experience is a hard block for higher forms to enter, because higher or lower forms of consciousness wouldnt be understood. Moreover maybe the highest form of beauty for this given consciousness can only be found within this level of consciousness itself, because higher or lower forms wouldnt be understood. And exactly for that reason, only from a certain state of consciousness can certain ways of love be found. It couldnt be discovered from below or above.

But when I still appreciated her emotional side but then say it wasnt personal for me at all, thats a double standard.

I am not even sure if she wanted a relationship or just a short emotionally charged short time thing. Just because its emotional doesnt mean its long term. My short term experiences were always pretty straight forward and meaty, I am just lacking experience in this realm.

There are two things which I dont like about it. One is that it feels like she kind of has strong ideas and concepts about me which arent the real thing. It kind of felt like she interacted with an idea of me she had in her mind instead of the real me. The other thing is that it kind of creates a power inbalance. If she already has me "figured out" so to say and knows what the right buttons are. Its all about me, I dont really know her though. I only got fluff from her. She has never shown her teeth, any insecurities, nothing. She also seems to be way ahead in terms of social skills, relationship maturity etc. so that creates an even bigger gap. Her interest seemed real though despite me overfeeling slight inauthenticities because of adhd. Will see what this talk will bring about.

I am realizing that basically every social connection I have is in some way abusive. Even with the "low status" folks who I am more comfortable around, they try to gain the most possible. And thats simply because I couldnt set boundaries because conflict overwhelms me. What I wonder is, is it just that my actual egoic side is less pronounced or just less visible? And how do I go about it, because I think its just not possible to face conflict with adhd. I could either stay on medication forever, or I could find ways to be happy on my own or close to. When I learn to knittng for example to process my emotions and go to bars on my own to socialize but never to fully connect with people, or MAYBE find other adhd-folks to chill with when they play in the same league .. hmm ..

Because with medication accepting closeness, regulating excitement and fear from people who I hold in high regard, the perspective of a girlfriend actually become much more realistic. Didnt expect that.