Jannes

Well for one its simply the adhd mind in its natural state, it cant regulate that easily, intensity and creativity in expression is natural. So in a way its like breathing.

I am running around my room again going through intense acting scenes. Wanting to actually open myself enough to really go through them. Maybe with a microdose. I want to do this intense acting until I black out. Why do I have this desire or romanticizing of it so badly?

Whats interesting is that there is a spiritual component to socializing. When I am in flow I dont (over-)think. Its mysterious how anything can come out of me in that state at all, I am like a black box but the most amazing socializing and also expressive ideas happen in exactly this state. It also has something animalistic though. I guess multiple things happen at once when you take thought out, in some ways it brings you closer to truth, in other way you get further away from it. .. Yesterday I became conscious how much of an ape I actually am. It was comical how much of an ape I am and how much I deny it.

Genetics plays a big role in it and some of these guys are forced into it. Generally skipping sleep is bad advice, it makes you less productive the whole day so there is no net increase to your productivity.

I felt pretty insecure at impro acting today. A friend of mine told me afterwards though that I seemed more awake and confident, interesting. Two people in the group seemed to want to tease me today just a little though. I told my friend that I would be in Berlin and he probably shared that. The girl there seemed interested and is in an Open relationship so maybe there she got the message that I wouldnt be interested. Well she and my friend actually didnt explcitly stop to farewell me today which was the biggest thing. Its not a huge deal but I dont have many strong fundamentals, so I feel a light shake pretty strongly.

These pictures are quite haunting indeed. But I always felt like Biden wanted to present himself as a family men because thats an important demographic to target even though he didnt have the soft skills to pull it off and it ended in this. But maybe he is molesting idk.

I have so much confidence today its incredible. Just the momentum of the weekend. I made the same experience earlier as well. Although its not all confidence, moreso a commitment into a performative state which is different. It means fear doesnt hold me back but it still exists.

Wanted to do so university work but binged on 4 hours of South Park instead. No sense of discipline. Can still get almost 6 hours of sleep today. Crashed a bit.

Great share!

Some thoughts while doing RV: Finding a way to limit my Laptop during RV. In reality I only need the RV number so I could create a frozen turkey in my Cold turkey App. Only my smartphone would be left as a distraction.. only you know if you did good or not by using first order principles, dont look around what others tell you RV reminds me of how people in Berlin approach which is way more open and committed instead of reserved like in my city. Well I feel like I am too reserved in RV so that serves as an analogy. I am doing "I-am-ness" meditation while RV practice basically because when I am in myself, I view myself and not the target so I constantly have to get rid of viewing myself.

Slept 11 hours today. Didnt even have time to take Elvanse today because I need to go to bed relatively early again. Took a small dose of medicinet instead which will be interesting how it compares. It was definitely the right decision to get back and get some rest today, I would have been fried if I didnt do that. Didnt stock up on veggies though which sucks, my system craves some healthy foods to restock on vitamins and stuff.

Yesterday I saw two women in their 30s in the train. They radiated so much character in their appearence, how they dressed etc. Youth is not just lost physically but also in spirit. Well not for them. And they looked pretty attractive. My brain kind of filtered them out because they were out of my age range but in this instance I made it conscious and could tell that when I would be in my 30s to 40s they wouldnt be bad options at all. The door would open for me to perceive them as attractive. Aging isnt all bad.

Need sleep.

Oh! And cruicially I got socializing done without medication! Maybe for RV now hmm..

I was contemplating what was missing about why I wasnt making social progress and I guess I found a key?

I have to say, even though its only been 2 days, I was surprisingly happy to get back into my apartment. Home sweet home. True privacy. Now that I got and already 1.5 hours have past I get bored of it though, would switch to the hostel back again probably.

The women with the first guy is probably like "what can I say next time something like this happens". You dont expect shit like this.

About the old theatre club, I am starting to feel more what I already knew many months ago which is that specific things happened in important moments which massively shaped and formed my experience in the club. I love most of the people there, I love theatre and I hate to have just left like that but some things were just too much.

Wrote a girl I met about a year ago and had once pretty intimate (not sex) encounter with and I had mixed emotions about it, it was pretty intense so it was a bit much. But it opened the opportunity for a place to sleep and a friend to chill with which would be wonderful. She wrote back actually saying that its nice to hear from me, asking how I am and that she is unfortunately not in Berlin this weekend. Idk what to make out of it, this can become something cool or not. I dont even really know how she looks like, its been so long. Thats one spot to stay though. Have another friend as well. And well the hostel of course which is a reliable backup.

I feel pretty great. Especially in the end this evening I felt like I un-lulled myself. I felt in my power. I only have my seminar next wednesday and then only seminars on monday! So I can stay in Berlin most of the time and make insane social progress. I only need to balance that with my RV practice. I also didnt do my practice today, but thats okay, I did pre work for one day. I ran around like a bit of a zombie today but I saw so much. And the confident no-bullshit attitude was also super cool.

You never have true privacy though. Not sure how much I need this. Just wanted to complain but the guy who just sat on the same table as me (even though there are plenty of free ones, my setup is just cool) just offered me chicken. If I werent vegetarian damnit. But I very much appreciate it regardless.

Just checked out and hanging at the chill area now. So the hostel is nice. I came back at 3pm yesterday though, open my bin and some guy histerically was like "NO SOUND, NO SOUND, DEDEDEDEDE GOOD NIGHT". It seemed like he had mental illness. Sorry for the invonvenience but MY TOOTHBRUSH WAS LOCKED AWAY. I am terrible. I slept terribly though, the pillow was way to big and generally I cant relax at other places fast. Maybe thats something you can train. But other then that the people are chill, you get warm shower and you get what you pay for. There are lots to optimize as well, like bringing the right snacks. .. The socializing part went bad though. Found the spot after some search and it seems like a very different culture, more agressive and stuff. Most guys at the table tennis spot are older and in the chill area I didnt approach anyone because it were all groups intensely talking to each other and I took some rounds. Three girls sat next to me at the very beginning asking if you have to bring your own table tennis bat. It started good small talk immediately but I played one or two rounds and the girls were immediately bombarbed from all angles. Comparing that to the amount of leeway I get in my small city is insane, there are more chances here but the meta is more brutal as well. No wonder some people with a bit of game dominate at my social spots. So when I sat next to the one girl after two rounds she just farted in my direction. Well I cant be sure be she was leaning over to the other side with a nice relaxed posture to get some gas out. Its been some time since I ever smelled a fart in public at all. Cant help but psychoanalyze it. I had such an easy opportunity at the beginning and took it so naturally, maybe it was a gesture of "hey, wake up to Berlin things are nasty out here." Or people hide less there.

Just got to the hostel. Its so exciting. There is a certain warmness to people here as well. Had to pay extra for castle and keys but thats a first time mistake. I am packing my things and will search for the table tennis spot. Gotta turn of my Laptop. I dont even have social media and yet my first thought is that I should capture the magic here instead of inhaling it. Lets live a little now.

I thought I could get some time for university work I am just busy with reflecting and booking. For me time in the train is mostly productive, especially if the train drives right to the destination.

You can only pay with credit card on the first site I wanted to order. Luckily Paypal works on the other one. Its about 20 Euros, so really not that much. I just imagine travelling in Hostels Non-Stop. I mean with Ear-Plugs you can get good sleep but I guess you could never fully relax. Well its my first Hostel ever, so lets see. Also havent found the Table tennis place yet, but I know the general direction and will ask people then.