Jannes

I kind of feel like a bitch for not using the opportunities, for example getting closer when I sat next to her. I dont want other people to see me as insecure or incompetent. But really that was a trap in the old theatre club. Well I had other reasons for not sleeping around there as well but here there arent as many reasons. But because she put so much into it, I kind of held her on the level of a gf material but she wasnt my type so that created confusion. Dont want to hookup with someone I emotionally invested so much into it, that could feel bad. THATS IT, THATS AN IMPORTANT POINT

Well she wants to get intimate obviously. But as a whole, she also introduced me to some of her friends. Still think that she is poly.

So isnt that a huge deal that he isnt a leftist, an immigrant, transgender or whatever the right wing demonizes???

I really want to feel myself. I usually dont. I might have to prioritize that more. ... I still dont really know what the agenda of that girl is and I probably overthink it..

Made a long walk. The best thing I could have done for myself probably. I was such an emotional mess. I was laying on a bench at the sea, watching my city from the other site while it became dark and all the light light up. Having a really authentic connection with one person and sitting on the bench together there, thats what my soul craves. I hoped that I would have a clear direction afterwards, but no..

I NEED MORE CONSCIOUSNESS

Or maybe this actually feels like a loss for him and he cant deal with emotions so he is distracting himself. Just speculating.

If I want to write her, I dont want to wait too long though as then this seems to heavy. I just dont want to mess anything up, most things dont need to be said, they are already clear.

I kind of blocked some inner growth distracting myself with Youtube. I think if I went through all of that very consciously, I could have maybe created a different situation.

... The answer is self care right now.

I dont get it.

The fact that nothing worked out ever pretty much implies that I am the problem. But its not like I am not trying hard.. There is an insight I am missing I think.

My inner storm is calming a bit. But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

This sounded better when I was emotionally unstable in the morning.

Had this rational thought before I woke up. Unconsciously I have all this desires and traumas that I unconsciously express. Then people act upon that, but consciously I dont even want to take the response my unconscious system has created because it isnt fully in lign with my unconscious.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you.

It could have been love bombing. But I dont want to justify my own stupidity when in reality she was actually extremely emotionally generous. I AM SO CONFUSED!!

There was a guys friend of the girl who put a lot into it. He kind of stared at me twice. Once like three weeks ago when the girl put a lot into it out of the blue and today as well when we seemed more distant. Especially today. Well it is how it is, I am not able to take this kind of closeness and she isnt really my type gf wise. But she built such a great vibe, on my own I play lower level games.

A disappointing evening. For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. The artist girl didnt come today. I am friends with a girl there and she told me that the artist girl seems to have a bf. I really didnt expect that as she asked for my phone number. I want to go back in the ring goddamnit.

I was doing some research on K-Pop-Boy-bands as I found the phenomena of very feminine men very interesting. And I stumbled across this video. Never watched anything like it, a bit overdramatic but wholesome at the same time. Let em be.

I was so productive, it doesnt make any fucking sense.

I was avoiding 1 on 1 body doubling sessions for some reason. Just started one again.