Jannes

I am sorry for anyone who personally has problems with AI. But I think in the bigger picture a few suicides might be a good thing even if that sounds heartless. Thats how society gets a wake up call. The consciousness about these suicides can in some way help create be more conscious about the importance of connection.

Everybody in the word can use it and most do, so of course in such high numbers there will be a few messed up cases.

I overslept a lot today. It all feel like a lot today. And interestingly I checked off all or most of the delayed tasks which I wanted to do, I am now in territory, where I have to decide what I want to do next. Scary stuff.

Its becoming really boring tbh. We sent ourselves like two or three voice message how our day went and stuff. Yesterday she didnt sent anything as an initiative and so I didnt respond the whole day. Honestly I feel basically zero connection to her. I think it would have worked if I was thinking that this would get me in bed with her somehow, or if I had any motive other then that. Or maybe we really dont fit together and this just honestly showed that. Or maybe men simply need sexual love first. Not sure.

Its interesting how I throw so many other socializing strategies which I collected here before out the window. Two major shifts happened, I left the theatre club and spoke my truth about why and I feel more competent through body doubling. That seems to give me the real fundation I was looking for.

At my social spot thing were all over the place this time. The girl I had such an akward conversation with distanced herself a little bit, like she didnt look out to greet me. But we still chit chat a little. Her friend looked at me in a critiquing way last time, today he even made a nice gesture towards me, bad sign, I am delusional lol. Then I saw a girl again which I am kind of friends with. Basically I felt lonely as fuck and looked for any kind of connection and we stayed longer playing table tennis together and were cool. I think she was looking for a hookup saying she just broke up with her bf and saying she is still young and so forth. It kind of registered but I was to emotionally unstable to act on it. I think she thought I might have very little experience. Fast forward to today we still see ourselves often because we have similiar social spots and for some reason she was really nice to me. Looking for ways to make a conversation going and when she said goodbye there was even a sense of manly rage mixed in there. So my best guess is that she picked up on me being openly flirty/ Fuckboy-ish and reinterpreted the situation from before. Even if it was self serving, the attention I got felt really good and gave me an immediate boost. Didnt know that this is what I wanted even.

Its not quite as easy it seems. Well it is but I do have to collective some more study points, especially in the second compartment. Which makes it not a no brainer anymore. This literally got me question everything, even if a social job where I work with people is even something I want.

I was wondering why kewl people in movies fascinate me so much, when it is more about pretending then anything else. Probably because I was always an outsider and never got it so I might crave some of it. Maybe I am trying to act it out even.

Not sure where to go at the moment but my best guess is that I will do a philosophy bachelor next and I have got some exams in philosophy coming up which I can impute into this degree. It feels to actually plan to change my degree, I thought so many times to do it and didnt which entranced me a little. It does feel a little surreal to change these degrees now. Randomly I want to change my hairstyle now. Its all connected somehow.

Implicit sources of information In academic philosophy I learned most in the lectures at the beginning in examples or glosses, which were about the stuff I would later learn supposedly. But the real gems were at the very beginning. I find it ineresting when sources like big companies drop little glosses in the form of art or presentation, there is so much implicit information you can study. Like the background photo on the newest iPhone. The apps that they use convey a certain way of living in that you should be stylish, social, keep in touch and distract yourself with the newest hits. Of course you shouldnt really deduce details out of it, but when you can catch the vibe roughy, that can be very valueable for sensemaking.

Thanks.

NOOOOO https://www.actualized.org/insights/best-bushcraft-part-4

I did 10 body doubling sessions by now. It seems like certain groups often come together, like you can really find your peers. I had a group of lots of young people which was cool. I run on free trial atm, after that its 20 dollar a month after student discount. Thats pretty damn expensive, but this goes so well atm, I dont want to stop making this a habit. On the other hand, the more I invest into this provider the more familiar I get with it and find connections, when I could instead to that with a different provider already. I have to say, the current one really is perfect, there is pretty much no complain I could have about it.

I had an informational talk today about a master degree at my university. I am in big luck, I study math and philosophy as a teacher atm and I can switch to a relatively easy bachelors philophy degree and as long as I stay at my university there are two masters each 4 semesters that I can add onto them. There is one big concern I have to deeply contemplate for the next days and weeks. Only psychologists are allowed to work on trauma and bad experiences. Only a psychologist is allowed to "open the wound" and process it, as only the psychologist is professionally trained to close it again. All the other therepautic jobs: ergotherapist, social worker, educator ... they dont go as deep. Its their job to give practical help. The women who gave me the information gave the following example: if a child has problems with sexual abuse for example, its the job of the qualified social worker or whatever other person in that field to get that kid out there asap and help the kid feel good about its day. Its not the job and not even allowed to talk with the kid about it, only a trained psychologist is allowed to do so. Its great that this point came up so soon. I dont know how to feel about it, I have to think about it for some time.

Watched the whole damn video. Its a bad temptation if there is a whole entertaining video which isnt blocked by my protective mechanisms. oh well. https://www.actualized.org/insights/best-bushcraft-part-3

I am a bit hyped about acting again. Damnit, its not a job to earn bread with. But it very much plays into my strenghts which is intuitively understand people deeply and then expressing that with strong emotions which I have.

Yesterday we went eating afterwards. Saw I girl that I got the number from and texted but who didnt text back. She smiled at me. We sat near to each other back to back seperated by a column. We had quite some conversations in the group. At some point I said that societies that value honor seem to me less developed. This struck controvery across the board immediately. This is a stage green place through and through so they all think everybody is equal and there is no hierarchy, so that seems backwards to them. I think the girl which number I got noticed too. I have a problem shutting my mouth though. There was also a girl at another desk and we exchanged some eye contact but not one real catch or smile. It seemed like she was interested and I was as well but I was mentally fatigued and it seemed like such a crowded and sober place, like a stage, that I didnt approach. I also thought when everybody noticed I would built a reputation as a Fuckboy fast. But of course afterwards you wished you did it anyways like always. Still a bit upset with myself about that one. I also thought that I might have had the guts for these approaches because I had no other choice because I was all alone. Now in this group I might trade some of it. Which I dont want to do, I want to maintain my balls.

I had wild wild dreams today. For some reason I woke up pretty early like I did the last couple of days. Which I usually never do. But I need my sleep so I tried to get some more and then I had all the wild dreams. So much painful experiences from my past just clashed on me, like how much earlier I could have lived life, if I wasnt so sensitive and hurt, in my dream I was half joking, maybe when I roll out of bad and fall, then maybe the pain will wake me up or give me the strengh to end this. I like to mix in goofiness when suffering, which connects to my LP wow. After two hours it got a lot better. Its clear that I am processing a lot right now. This was always the experience before, all of this shit came up when I just wanted to do some practical task. So I am assuming at least one of two things is happening, because of body doubling I actually get into the present moment and into a certain headspace which is curative by itself, or by getting shit done I finally dont feel like a looser to myself.

I am chatting with a girl for weeks now over a dating app. Its really interesting purely getting to know somebody before sex. Not sure where this is going, but I am in for the experience.

Did about two hours of work today until impro theatre started. Online body doubling still works. At impro theatre today I had massive energy, I can imagine why my mind was sometimes a bit destabilized in acting as I can put so much emotions into it in huge energy bursts.

On karma Karma is a real thing. Depending on your behaviour, you get karma for it for practical reasons, like people wanting to support or work with you, or not, even though it’s pretty messy in the real world. The more selfishly you act, the more pushback you get. However, you don’t know the whole picture of who you are or all your evil ways. So as you become more and more conscious of yourself as a devil, the karmic pushback becomes more transparent or subsides altogether when you let go of certain behaviours.

Had a dream today in my childs room where insane wind pressed against the windows. I tried to close them with all my power but it almost wasnt enough. An interpreation for the dream could be that there is a lot of pressure from the outside which touches or pressures me to the core to the extend that it may feel too much. In the morning I felt a new feeling of confidence spread in my chest. I feel like on some level I might have felt that I didnt deserve relationships or hook ups, because I am not even in alignment with what I want to do and now that I am, I may feel like I deserve it now, or at least asking for it seems more natural.

Made a walk to get some movement and to relax. As my mind did I had the most f*cked up hilarious thoughts again. So its about being relaxed enough for this to come up. When I give myself enough breaks besides work then I wont loose this side of myself.

Wasnt this kind of what america tended to be before Trump and still is to a good extent? (Of course not perfect) It will take some time before stage green.