Jannes

I screwed something up with the tea, it definitely wasnt as strong as usual. "Wahrhaftig zu sein ist wie ein Flughörnchen in das Auge des Sturms zu springen, Sich nicht für Wahrheit zu interessieren ist den Sturm mitzunehmen." I literally thought about situations that happened in my old theatre club, what the hell. I keep underestimating how much grip this still has on me. I guess I am still grapling if I want to give it a second shot. I enjoyed thinking about spiritual topics but I lost my focus relatively fast unfortunately. I really only want to be the way I was before I felt like I needed to be different. I was perfect as a child. Its interesting that from all the people I experienced a connection with was with this incerdibly emotiolly sick dude from the adhd-self-help-group up to the point where he expressed that he felt a connection. Yeah its really really hard for me to let people close to me. Thats something I have to learn. I had to put my attention on the things currently going on. The situation with the girl who put a lot into it for example. Its a whole mess when I look at it from this higher POV. She really put a lot in but I am just not capable of going along.

I psychologically recovered a shitton. Maybe I should open up about my fears sometimes. Its just when I present myself in this way I can seem a bit crazy/ emotionally unstable .. which I am .. but that could move people away ..

Yeah ... They were all perfectly fine, even being more close and nice to me then usual. My fucking brain and trauma men .. No wonder that I cant open up when I unconsciously expect to get stabbed when I fall out of line even just a bit.

Almost fell asleep twice in a 20min meditation session. Wonder if I am just tired from waking up earlier, or if there is lots of emotional stirring that makes me sleepy.

Maybe right wing parties just need to be put in power for some time so people can feel how their leadership negatively effects them.

Whats up with these super realistic Pokemon fakes, there seem to be so many of them.

No one asked for impro theatre in the group as usual yesterday. My adhd brain creates a stroy about my friend and his gf somehow having to do with not wanting to do it today or wanting to leave me out. I have to recognize that this is my adhd brain spiraling out of control, there is probably another mundane reason for it.

I am tempted to really blame myself as I did before. But then I realized that this wont move me forward, instead it will get me into needing emotional support which creates even more misunderstanding. Its true that whenever I socialize I create heartbreak for other people just by existing seemingly. Can I take more responsibility? Hows my ego playing into all of that? I think if I just had a partner then a lot of misunderstanding of me sending wrong signals because I need some kind of intimacy would go away. But I have all of these second thoughts about all of the options I have.

The EKG didnt work for me a second time, no signal. The worker there has no idea why as it works for all the other patience. Its probably a combination of me being relatively skinny, having a low pulse and maybe other factors which make it difficult. Have another appointment tomorrow at a later time. Will I roll back into bed immediately or wait a bit .. ?

I am wondering how the dynamic with my friend and his gf who wanted to smash with me is turning out now. It would have been awesome to go along with the ride and maybe get closer to both of them, but if I dont want to smash, I dont want to smash.

Trying to solve everything with untreated adhd is epic, with medications I could just numb myself and do fine but I would never reach the epic emotional peaks as I could without medications.

Well maybe because of it even. I have seen so many girls attatching even harder to a guy when he goes for other girls.

Well in a way I already kind of did when I asked her if she could open her ears if any of the single girls are single. But then some gestures are just going a bit too far, of her seemingly looking for any kind of connection..

So with the girl I am kind of friends with and whom seemed to be getting closer last time, I could have set a boundary earlier. And then maybe I could have put more in as well..?

Am I just scared of letting go of control?

I had a match on an dating site once and on the profile of the girl it said she is asexual. But then I was like, nah, thats also not what I want. ... Then does anything I brabble about even make any sense.. ?

A walk is always good. I have to get up early tomorrow for the EKG. Thought about how I can create connections a lot. So generally I prefer women as friends but the problem is always that they want to smash or develop feelings. Which is why I very much enjoy the company of the artists girl because she has neither interest. So realistically a connection with a girl could work in these scenarios: in an actual relationship, f+, or with a lesbian gf. A male friendship could work more easily but I am just not easily comfortable around males. ... Also I noticed that when I am the one who is actively approaching then I feel more comfortable building up a connection because I am in power. Yeah ...

He implies that the left got Kirk killed which has not been proven as its an ungoing investigation but then uses that to demonize the left as a whole. Complete black and white thinking, the right lives in objective reality and has absolute truth, the left lives in fantasy world and has no truth. Where do you even begin with critiquing such a worldview .. ?

The thing is I would like to actually cry right now, but I feel kind of numb as well, my emotions arent that sharp. Part of that is that I maybe dont accept them. When I really sit with my emotions I experience them sharper and find relief in whatever they are. But because of adhd I have problems feeling and working through them. The answer is kind of coregulating emotions but I dont have someone for that and 1 on 1 body doubling with strangers doesnt really work for that I think .. although that would be interesting to study ..

I cant make a hot bath, but I could watch something that actually interests me. ... Its normal that you have down phases after ups. But also I think about potentially loosing some key connections which in itself isnt great but also in a broader sense makes me question myself and my shortcomings .. I think what I need the most would be someone I can really share some deep stuff with, a comfort person. I have maybe such a person in mind.

I feel like a crybaby right now. I deserve a rest kinda, but because I watched so much youtube the last couple of days, I dont really see a way to make things even more comfortable for me. ... 💡 A hot bath with an capturing audio story would be so nice.

There was just a premiere at my old theatre club yesterday. It was kind of a good moment to go back but I just honestly didnt feel like it. But thats also a bit of a sign I didnt really want to sent as well.