Jannes

I want to sit there, lost in thought, looking at this beautiful sight, when she sees me, sits next to me without saying a word and enjoys the sight with me for the next 3 hours until it gets dark.

I already nailed socializing last friday evening. I wonder if I reached these states before and what had stopped me then.

I need some kind of structure, goals, things to work towards besides socializing despite socializing being maybe the most important thing to do for me right now.

I dont know how to talk about my observation in my old theatre club especially, that girls will just cheat and lie to get you, when you have enough status or give them enough emotional stimulus. Its like I am on the top of the mountain here and need to explain things myself without getting anyones support.

That time at my social spot when this girl asked me for my number, after I walked off I made a funny devil gesture to a girl I am friends with and who witnessed what was going on. Interestingly enough another girl introduced herself to me shortly afterwards as well. Maybe its just the positive vibe that I gave off, or maybe she liked it that I took it lightly and seemed to not look for something long term. In my old theatre club I felt like I could never cross that bridge, being openly interested in casual hookups and people being okay with it. Well they acted like they were.. -- wait yeah, they acted like they were.. Well I guess its more that I perceived walls that didnt really exist in that way?

I screwed something up with the tea, it definitely wasnt as strong as usual. "Wahrhaftig zu sein ist wie ein Flughörnchen in das Auge des Sturms zu springen, Sich nicht für Wahrheit zu interessieren ist den Sturm mitzunehmen." I literally thought about situations that happened in my old theatre club, what the hell. I keep underestimating how much grip this still has on me. I guess I am still grapling if I want to give it a second shot. I enjoyed thinking about spiritual topics but I lost my focus relatively fast unfortunately. I really only want to be the way I was before I felt like I needed to be different. I was perfect as a child. Its interesting that from all the people I experienced a connection with was with this incerdibly emotiolly sick dude from the adhd-self-help-group up to the point where he expressed that he felt a connection. Yeah its really really hard for me to let people close to me. Thats something I have to learn. I had to put my attention on the things currently going on. The situation with the girl who put a lot into it for example. Its a whole mess when I look at it from this higher POV. She really put a lot in but I am just not capable of going along.

I psychologically recovered a shitton. Maybe I should open up about my fears sometimes. Its just when I present myself in this way I can seem a bit crazy/ emotionally unstable .. which I am .. but that could move people away ..

Yeah ... They were all perfectly fine, even being more close and nice to me then usual. My fucking brain and trauma men .. No wonder that I cant open up when I unconsciously expect to get stabbed when I fall out of line even just a bit.

Almost fell asleep twice in a 20min meditation session. Wonder if I am just tired from waking up earlier, or if there is lots of emotional stirring that makes me sleepy.

Maybe right wing parties just need to be put in power for some time so people can feel how their leadership negatively effects them.

Whats up with these super realistic Pokemon fakes, there seem to be so many of them.

No one asked for impro theatre in the group as usual yesterday. My adhd brain creates a stroy about my friend and his gf somehow having to do with not wanting to do it today or wanting to leave me out. I have to recognize that this is my adhd brain spiraling out of control, there is probably another mundane reason for it.

I am tempted to really blame myself as I did before. But then I realized that this wont move me forward, instead it will get me into needing emotional support which creates even more misunderstanding. Its true that whenever I socialize I create heartbreak for other people just by existing seemingly. Can I take more responsibility? Hows my ego playing into all of that? I think if I just had a partner then a lot of misunderstanding of me sending wrong signals because I need some kind of intimacy would go away. But I have all of these second thoughts about all of the options I have.

The EKG didnt work for me a second time, no signal. The worker there has no idea why as it works for all the other patience. Its probably a combination of me being relatively skinny, having a low pulse and maybe other factors which make it difficult. Have another appointment tomorrow at a later time. Will I roll back into bed immediately or wait a bit .. ?

I am wondering how the dynamic with my friend and his gf who wanted to smash with me is turning out now. It would have been awesome to go along with the ride and maybe get closer to both of them, but if I dont want to smash, I dont want to smash.

Trying to solve everything with untreated adhd is epic, with medications I could just numb myself and do fine but I would never reach the epic emotional peaks as I could without medications.

Well maybe because of it even. I have seen so many girls attatching even harder to a guy when he goes for other girls.

Well in a way I already kind of did when I asked her if she could open her ears if any of the single girls are single. But then some gestures are just going a bit too far, of her seemingly looking for any kind of connection..

So with the girl I am kind of friends with and whom seemed to be getting closer last time, I could have set a boundary earlier. And then maybe I could have put more in as well..?

Am I just scared of letting go of control?

I had a match on an dating site once and on the profile of the girl it said she is asexual. But then I was like, nah, thats also not what I want. ... Then does anything I brabble about even make any sense.. ?

A walk is always good. I have to get up early tomorrow for the EKG. Thought about how I can create connections a lot. So generally I prefer women as friends but the problem is always that they want to smash or develop feelings. Which is why I very much enjoy the company of the artists girl because she has neither interest. So realistically a connection with a girl could work in these scenarios: in an actual relationship, f+, or with a lesbian gf. A male friendship could work more easily but I am just not easily comfortable around males. ... Also I noticed that when I am the one who is actively approaching then I feel more comfortable building up a connection because I am in power. Yeah ...