Jannes

So much happened yesterday, I was too tired to write it all down though. So the girl I am friends with greeted me in a slightly invasive way yesterday, slightly touching my sides when I didnt see her and had my back turned towards her. Pretty much the exact same dynamic as two or three weeks ago happened where this much closeness felt weird because she kinda made it look like we are in a relationship and I felt bad for not talking about this and making a boundary. It felt really bad, like I didnt really want to be super friendly anymore because I felt like people were just using me. I saw the girl whom I exchanged numbers with again. It was kind of a weird vibe, she clearly seemed interested, I was reading that right the last time, I wasnt in such a good state though. Later I asked her if we wanted to play mario kart though. At the second map or so she put her head on my shoulder and I put mine on hers. That was 100% experience, I was in this situation before and didnt know what to do, but its pretty simple. I asked if she is up for another cup of mario kart and she said no but we could play mario kart at her place. It doesnt get much clearer then that. Immediately afterwards I felt such a boost and all my sense of weirdness was gone. Thats a perfect parallel to politics, if your survival is threatened all your animal instincts kick in. If you are situated better, you come up with more conscious politics. Thats exactly the reason why right wingers should get support with their survival situation to get more conscious on their own. Had a talk with the girl who talked about the wpmi-girl with me afterwards. She also asked me if we wanted to do karaoke before which felt kind of weird. I see her kind of as a therapist I want a professional close-distant relationship with.. anyway we got talking which was okay but also not super juicy. Afterwards she talked about the scenery of fall and generally introduced a romantic-ish vibe. Goddamit it felt like she was one person I could get some kind of support from for some reason but ofc she seems to sense an opportunity as well.

I read a good chunk of the mysterie method like two years ago. It felt like grossly immoral, immature shit. But some bits were gold of information. For example he wrote that when you do enough pick up and you have so much experience, that at some point you read social dynamics so easily you can basically see in the future. I sort of imagine that like a video game where you learn patterns and act accordingly. People are not as limited as a programmed enemy but they are predictable when they are attatched.

I feel like I am grossly misinterprating this, but whats been said has been said. I think its more that people are surprised that I can give something back..

At my thursday social spot I am chatting with some actual actors and people who are studying to become actors which is very interesting. I did notice how acting wasnt really healthy for my psyche. But later in the night one of the acting girls there did some kind of mobilty rolls across the room. This triggered me so hard. I love expressing myself and being free so so much. This really is a huge value of mine, no wonder that I was so incredibly attatched to my old theatre club, my love for expression is no joke.

The wpmi-girl was also there. We chatted a bit, also talked to some friends of her. Also a girl I chatted up like half a year ago briefly. I actually really enjoyed that so that was interesting. I then talked to a few other people and she left at some point. Its kind of getting ridiculous at this point, I am holding much emotional space for her so I should just start something or let it go to be free again.

Gosh I hate survival. I made some friends there, including a bit of a chubby girl and a trans person. They are both super supportive to me, but it seems obvious to me that this is because they are more like outsiders. Its nuts, today I got to eat rice from her when I was hungry. Then I had a little toy and gave it to her to play with and she seemed so so happy about it. She constantly asked me to hold it for the moment when she couldnt while we were playing table tennis to show everyone that I gave her a toy to play with seemingly. Also in the same moment the trans person asked if he could get a taste of a new drink I just ordered. I suddenly got looks from all around the club. Its not a huge deal for me to be friends, but when I am basically the only one not acting like an animal, its like its something special or weird.

I see .. You talked about how weed blew you away way more then 5meo though which is a very different experience from most people. I dont know about this chemical but if its openly availabe and if you are one of a few people who discovered it, it would suggest that most people wont experience the same effect. So maybe ask a few people on their experience beforehand.

People will react differently to drugs. How can you be sure that this chemical will have the desired effect on everyone and not just you?

Saw her again and its a super high vibe, I think she really wants me in her friend group. Maybe because I was a bit distanced. Also saw her bf. Was a pretty cool evening. Had a chat afterwards with a girl who is the gf of a friend of mine and who I know a bit longer know. A really good chat actually, the vibe just matches.

Saw her again today at the spot and she seemed more distanced now. I tried to get a conversation going but felt really akward. Not sure what it is, I just think that she was able to put so much attention and closeness into it and that I didnt want to screw it up completly overwhelmed me. I really experienced myself at a low there.

I had a perfect first meet with this new girl and we walked home together. I didnt go for a hug at the goodbye which was critical for me. I personally couldnt let her that close already, so I did what felt right for me and not what would be expected perhaps. She already wrote back -- she didnt open her status to me though. Interesting she seems to mirror my energy 1 to 1.

Was at a introduction talk for my new studies today. I listed with one ear closed kinda, I didnt really want to be there, I generally didnt want to think about my future and for some reason becoming a teacher seems more attractive. But it also wasnt a huge deal, I got a bit more warm with it as I sat there. Already chatted up a girl who is also new there. This is really a chance to meet new people. All of this really got me to work through the situation with my wpmi-girl. I overthink it like crazy. You usually smile at each other and when you get a good vibe you smash.

Everything else.

I met this girl I saw on my social spot again. She is a first semester. Whats interesting about them is that they are serious about bonding with new people. They are new to the city and everything.. I just saw here, chatted a bit and she firmly held me there. I am slippery like an eel.

Finally took the time to learn how to insert images again. Took me some failed attempts. I like the arstyle in Neon Genesis Evangeleon and that loose blue shirt. Great style.

I never really appreciated the intensity with how Family Guy and other shows are scripted. This is coming from an intense place. I could do that.

I am just about to pay for a remote viewing course. In high stake situations like this your psyche is capable of opening up a lot. Only now do I remember all the other options I have, for example finding a RV partner on the Discord server. Completly forgot about that, only this situation brought it to light.

I tell myself that I kind of struggle with making female platonic friends. Which is partly true. But also regular friendships arent that stimulating, so the female friends I am with who want more are the ones that are more stimulating but also give me the experience that I cant have platonic friendships. What am I going to do about that?

So that girl I talked to gave a reply to a message I texted her before last wednesday. There is so much happening. On the one hand worlds clash together, I needed to eplain her what poly meant last time, so me casually talking about getting a number, maybe being interested in something casual with the girl .. isnt something that seems to compute with her world. On the other hand she seems to really grap me by my bullshit which I want to be defensive about. She also has the opinion that I am interested in her from her observation and I have no idea myself. ...

Yeah. Welcome on my journal btw.

I am curious. I didnt like my old medicinet medication that much but I am only allowed to get that one because its cheaper. I will be more interested to try the other medications when I am allowed to but still this new medicinet has a new formula with a fast and slow acting part, so that will be interesting.

Got my adhd medication finally! Lets see when I use them.

Impro theatre was great today, we were only 3 people in total but it was really nice. I felt really safe there. I often have problems with improvizing but I came up with with a new approach I use in smalltalk, where I try to make something out of the last word, or observe something in the environement which I then use. It worked great. My mind isnt powerful enough to come up with something out of thin air, but just a little inspiration is enough.

I cant get my adolescence back really. Saw a young couple yesterday. The intense emotions that come up when you are young and all that, thats something I am not getting back. Even though I can still call myself lucky, looking relatively good and having the chance to get some of that back, I feel like I deserve to moan a little to get it out.

Went to bed so early that after 8 hours of decent sleep I woke up to the same time I went to bed yesterday. I just kind of felt tired and sniffed my chance to turn my sleep routine around and it somehow worked. ... I dreamt about school a lot, especially a classmate I didnt have much of a connection with but who somehow appeared sometimes in my dreams and we were cool here.