Jannes

I feel like I need to do lots of foreplay to compensate for my rather average size but that is emotionally more intense then just straight banging I feel like. Meh. Also I am just not that used to it anymore.

What the hell was this evening.. So I went to the social spot and a lot happened at once, table tennis, dart, karaoke, mario kart ... it was a great spot. Saw the artist girl there, she wore a neon tango visible above her joggers. I was kind of questioning for whom I built interest there, it seemed like she is the kind of girl who fishes for attention and I am just one of the people who fell for it. But she was indeed really cool so far, cant judge her for anything so far, it would be ungrateful even. I am puzzled a bit. There is this girl I am kind of friends with and who is often around me and she went for a hug this time. Its difficult because she is often so close to me that it kind of seems like she is my gf which is bad when I want to game. And recently it also felt like she got a bit attatched and demanded a bit of closeness. She seemed kind of hurt today when she was on her own and I didnt get as close to her as she probably wanted. It was emotionally pretty though, I needed to really face what my value were, empathy kicked in a lot. Then there was this group of girls I wanted to approach the whole time but I was too scared. Then finally a window opened. Two of them were playing mario kart and the coach besides them was open. So I sat there and watched them play which wasnt weird at all. Afterwards I even joined their group for a game. One girl I built some eye contact with left. I talked mostly with a guy who sat besides me and couldnt find a way to talk to the other girls without making it obvious I was using the guy to built up my state. I left the spot but I tried. And I FINALLY REACHED STATE. So it seems like reaching state is just about facing your fears. I was in such a flow state afterwards. From that place I talked to a girl who was friends with the artist girl and she straight up asked for my number. Damn .. And then this girl who is the girlfriend of my friend told me they were doing poly for the weekend. The girl even asked me if I came today on WhatsApp. But I didnt speak about the elepfant in the room. I didnt want to have sex with her and I was searching for reasons why, for example because I would feel weird getting between them, I am not emtionally stable enough (even though I would smash with other people so she would see that lie ..). It was a little weird especially she literally told me she was on a mission today to hookup. But my flow state tanked a lot and I stayed in a high state all throughout the night. In the end she even asked me directly if we want to smash. I didnt get it though because I thought she was referring to someone else. She sayed "would you?" and because she was just speaking to another guy I said the yeah guy with the red glasses looks sexy, as I thought she was asking me if that guy is acceptable for a hookup as she may needed social confirmation. But I think she actually asked me. This is weird as hell now. From my current state its not a big deal but maybe tomorrow.

I watched way too much youtube the last couple of days. Woke up and the first thing I did is connect to the dopamine line by waching some youtube. Hard to even walk the trash out without it. Well thats also partially because of adhd and that happened before but at least I got through the day somehow without watching so much before. I guess like any other drug it helps to disract me from the emotions I experience atm, which are overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy which I internalized and am confronting right now and so on.

Just looked through my old drawing App on my iPad from like 4-5 years ago. It jist captures some fragments which are interesting though, I still struggled with some of the same problems, especially finding a group I feel comfortable in seemed like one of the top priorities. No surprise that I committed so hard to my old theatre club. What was different was that I seemed much more horny and now I feel kind of uncomfortabe with sex even.

Back then I was able to feel romantic attraction simply from a girl looking good. Now when a girl looks good and has a cool personality I feel some romance. Romance is just the satisfaction you experience for someone who helps your survival agenda in a certain areas. Probably sexual and emotional yeah.

If you already gave him everything, there is nothing he can gain really. You would just win in a second date. You speak of him as the only guy who you ever felt instantly attracted to but then compare him to the average guy who wouldnt need more then sex to be satisfied. If this is a significant power imbalance in his favor maybe its the most mature thing for him to end things, in the end he also looks to get more out of it and if he already got everything things could get toxic. Telling you that he doesnt want to see you again or ghosting you are pretty hard reactions he doesnt owe you I feel like. I dont know how the situation really played out but I dont feel like he owes you playing the bad/ immoral person in this situation. You just approve him more and more everytime you ask him.

The machine for EKGs at my doctor got repaired so I can get it on monday finally to then get medication.

Now this has a very unique flavour to it. I am lacking words to describe whatever the fuck this is. Its like blatently obvious and self aware bullshit embedded into the disguise of such professionalism, realness and maturity.

What is interesting is that usually I like to analyze all the social dynamics happening but I get less and less interested in that. Well things are pretty obvious and for the ones that arent, thinking endlessly about them doesnt really help.

Its such a survival pot this social spot on thursday, so many people at once, combined with having weird connections with some of them there. Its hard to get at ease there. And when some people leave many of the attractive girls arent there anymore and I feel exhausted. That girl that put so much in didnt come today. This was one of the reasons why I felt unease coming today, I really couldnt take all this closeness so fast, even though I really enjoyed being around here. On the other hand its nice being around the artist girl. These are so many dinamycs which are emotionally pretty though for me. Tomorrow is play time at the social spot on wednesday, wohoo ...

I have lots of mixed emotions going to my social spot today as I will meet like 3 people at least where the relation is kind of weird. I really feel how I pressure myself and how that is weighing on me. The way is through ofc.

Just watched an old video of myself commentating video games. I have weird emotions about it. I definitely wasnt happy in that time period. It all seems a little forced. Its still the same but not as much. Because of adhd I experience things very intensily and have a sort of humor that not everybody can relate to. And I am also sensitive and stuff. Maybe thats why I never really opened my core and why I want to open up to some other adhd people.

Great social evening today. Guess the lesson is to isolate yourself in your room for two days and watch pokemon videos to boost your social skils. I had so much energy from taking a pause though, maybe thats the right lesson.

I enjoy time on my own right now. I feel like even though a natural balance takes place in that I naturally need some time off after socializing a lot or need connection after long isolation its also true that the more I socialize the more I crave it and the more I am on my own the more I crave that. I feel like I exercised a lot last week, had a good rest now to the point of getting comfortable and now I dont want to get back into exercising.

Any updates?

Notes yesterday before bed: Felt some "psi-energy" going into bed. Then saw interesting colors. A color plate of powerful colors with black around. Energetically charged in a way. Then some woo/magic sort of energy. Ravens, vodoo and this sort of vibe. Power but not in a nice way. While this was going on I processed the story about my old club and a story about a girl in the beginning in particular. And I felt powerful.

I feel like this triggers some inner discomfort in me. Not sure when I ever reached this level but it does seem rare.

We often try out all kind of things to fix something. Yet for some reason I never committed to a relationship.

All the social skills I want to have exist on a level I am not comfortable with -- where letting people close to me is normal and opening up sacred parts of myself as well. The key to getting more comfortably socially is by opening up and healing. Pick up is a strategy to avoid that inner process. I will articulate why another time..

The reason I am confused over socializing is because I grapple with an invisible force, my bad experiences in the past. ... Was my goal with pick up to defeat this shadow from the past .. ?

Maybe I could write a book mentioning all the things that cant be put into words.

Been really tired for the last two days. Just a lot of processing is happening I think.