Jannes

I am an overthinker, but what am I overthinking here?

No, but thats a good point.

Kind of right? We are not isolated things, someone walking implies a ground to walk on. One could realise he could walk without a ground in vacuum, but if he didnt find ground to walk on, except that one ground he was given to him then whats the point? But when even one ground for his feet exists whatsoever it means there is generally a possibility to manifest this dynamic in a similiar way again. I hope that made some sense, I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. She isnt a training object for me to get to insights though, she will move on or get resentful if I treat her that way and then I will draw the wrong conclusions from that as well. But I get it, to a certain extend this is the way to go and likely even wanted. Its a balancing act. Thanks you for your input so far 🫶 .

I was never in a relationship before but I had a pretty deep f+ a year ago and this dynamic happened as well. But it was particularily psychotic. Thats interesting. I am gonna try to observe my mind on that one, if I dismiss seemingly healthy individuals for example and gravitate for not so healthy ones. Super true, but gosh thats one hell of a difficult conversation to have. My mind already went through so many possible ways to approach this. But that seems like something you just dont have power over, whatever happens happens.

I woke up to an unholy time today. Things are getting out of control.

The later. I thought about it as well as it didnt seem normal but I didnt want to condemn anything that isnt there. As I said she also seems to know me through friends and seems socially very competent and because I was a bit passive maybe she just wanted to do a bombastic start. I havent come to any conclusions yet. Yes I have a bit or maybe even strong of an avoidant attatchment style. And intrusion of her puts it well, she put so much in it brought me to new heights but I felt reliant on her. I once needed some time off to produce my own love again which felt way better because it brought me back into power. Because of adhd its hard for me to set boundaries because conflict overwhelms me which is why I got exploited a lot in my life. Not sure if its anyone in particular.

Yeah and its clever of them to act that way. Power leads to corruption, if in the power dynamic he has the upper hand, some kind of toxic behaviour will likely come out of it. If he never had the powers he could never abuse them.

I talk to many women, she opens up way faster and more intensely then other women. It just nukes my fragile system. But I also enjoy the short ride until I am fried. The pussy way worked well for me so far. Women are generally faster in reading you, so if you pretend you often just seem immature and you dont really grow at the core. And if you didnt overcome those challenges? Of course I am at the same page that you should show that you are not giving in and are ready to tackle those challenges. I talked to a female friend about this situation in particular and it helps a lot but doenst solve the problem with this dynamic. I also agree that you should be cautious with how you talk about problems you have, not because being emotional backfires, but because telling her that you are a trainwreck in some way can be a little much. With opening up I mean being emotionally open around her, getting in a giving and taking dynamic. Telling her my problems is just a part of it I am also very catious with of course.

I am possibly just not ready for a relationship.

True, that was like Dr. Mikes main appeal that he is the actual smart guy compared to the other wannabees. Maybe there is an explanation for it though, or maybe he could show in other ways that he is in fact knowledgable. He could do a second phd if he wanted.

Didnt really want this to be true as much of Dr.Mikes advice seemed very solid and probably is on its own but this eats a lot from his authority and his arrogance is literally on record.

Showed up on my youtube also. This will make waves in the fitness realm, Coach Greg and the likes will use the opportunity to give themselves back authority.

An insightful evening. So that girl who put lots into it came again and immediately went to me for a hug. The vibe was immediately on for about a minute. Then we went to play table tennis and it was just so full I couldnt really get the vibe going. The girl whom I talked about it was also there and observed the whole thing. She said that I look very interested and seem happy and she also seems very interested. But I really dont feel too much. Mostly just overwhelm. I notice that its important for me and I dont want to screw it up but I dont really feel emotions towards her. Her observation was also that she doenst really know a distance, she has no problem getting close to people. This is like the opposite of whats possible for me, too much closeness and I feel overwhelmed easily. Maybe that explains it, the first moment we met I was still pretty open and then I closed rapidly. She went to a different place and said I could come if I wanted. I wasnt really sure about that place though so she said she would tell me how it is there. She didnt text though. I sent her a picture of the game we were playing at our spot. That seemed to change a lot in me. I was finally invested and checked my messages every 20 minutes. Also thought about what she might be doing and with whom.. But I also seemed to open up a bit more. And maybe most importantly I felt understood by the girl who talked to me. The artist girl was also there. She definitely was a bit more distant on a subtle level. I feel like I overreacted slightly yesterday. Interestingly though if she didnt didnt distant herself subtly today I wouldnt have questioned myself at all and would have felt like I was right. We arent all perfect, moreso we are opportunist and the like and dont even notice it about ourselves so some things need to be put into place with power gestures.

What if I fear that when I finally built a connection that I will react to it through a trauma response which means that I would push back or something and that this will break up the connection and that I cant deal with THAT. I had a childish relationship in school once. And at one point I dont even know what happened but I pushed her back, I couldnt take the closeness anymore. Afterwards she distanced herself a lot and I didnt even know what happened and why. Only through retrospection later did I remember my response. Thats kind of what I fear maybe.

You can reach high social states by stealing love from other people. When I approach a bunch of people who might be interested in more but dont take that road but just go to the next person you can start to float.

I am becoming a lot hornier. When I become emotionally more healthy I become hornier. So there is a natural balance accuring, because not commiting and fucking around does not help with emotional health. Maybe I only ever wanted to become emotionally healthy to use it to fuck around. I am a devil.

She even took a hair out of my face. What a lovely gesture ..

I recently made happiness gains but through socializing not through spirituality. Being at a bar full of people you vibe with can feel so rewarding. This is my level now. I am looking forward to exhausting this though and going for the real gold.

I felt a bit hollow in the end though. Couldnt really find anything deep in me.

Even the girl who seemed like she was interested but who I only want to be friends with seemed super happy to see me. Men I worry so much about some things.. For a short moment I thought I realized a new quality of feeling connected, a sense of peace even. It subsided relatively quickly though and I was still good but not to the same extend. I cant really articulate but I felt like I changed a bit, like I got so used to socializing, a new quality was emerging. Talked to one of the girls who was new there. I was a bit nervous though which I didnt expect coming from a social mood. .. The artist girl was also there. I greeted her and she was super open but then turned away ignoring me like she always did actually and this time I just went away. She made a bit of a power gesture later grabbing me casually on the shoulder when she needed a pad to grap something, it had a light sexual touch to it. Generally I was just a bit more distant. I talked to a female friend about her two days ago and she told me she seems to have some daddy issues and needs attention and stuff but also that she seems to have a big heart. Maybe that was why I changed my mind a bit. But its all right, will be interested how this will evolve moving forward.

Blackpill is such a vibe killer, dont even want it in my system.

Eww ... I could train my neck and face muscles I guess but that would be ackward.

I dont like the blackpill vibe but there is probably some helpful advice in this:

This one girl I dont even really know offered to talk to me about my situation and I asked her for advice again. This feels so good. Its one of the key components for getting more comfortable socially.