Jannes

The talk with the leader of the club I had a a few weeks ago had an incredible impact on me. Its so important for me to talk about my problems. Part of my healing process will definitely include people I talk to on a regular basis.

Behind all the social problems I talk about there is a deeper layer. I am just incredibly hurt. Yesterday I had a short moment where I was conscious enough to see that usually I am not conscious about the hurt that I feel because I couldn’t take it all at once it would destroy me. I need a place to heal. A few years ago when socialization went okay and I just moshroomed a few days before (which was usally very healing) I suddenly had a moment when driving on my bike where I was suddenly hit by an emotional moment of like "maybe I can start trusting people again". I thought it was a little weird and odd because it wasnt compatible with how I thought about myself and my problems. A week ago I experienced the same subtle thing though where everything went well and I was like maybe I can start trusting people again. It seems that this is a deeper more hidden layer that I cant access right now. And it makes perfect sense with everything I experienced since childhood. And it explains why the moment of connection to other people can feel so unbearable because the unconscious is fighting it at least thats one explanation. All the other things I mention can be partial truths as well but they are all a lower order of problem then this deep sense of hurt and rejection I cant access right now. And I have a sense that socialization becomes a lot more effortless when this is tackled. Just a few days ago connecting to people felt that much better/ even effortless and I was confused myself.

I think its an important perspective. The whole video is one constant gold vein with how informative it is and at 29:30 he talks about how ego death experiences are important for healing.

Its not the first time I heard it and I also experienced it myself to a certain degree. Its usually a big revelation because it is so against what traditional gender roles taught us. And often its this confusion thing of "well I kind of need to take that chance because its the manly thing to do but it kinda feels bad wtf". Key points: - Women can be super unhinged. (just like men) - Some guys dont get it and say its a coping fantasy. - What I heard sometimes: Some women can be indrecibly toxic when they dont get what they want because sexual rejection hurts their ego more then mens and they want to save their social status.

Interestingly though that brought me into a very conscious state in this self help session today. I could literally activate parts of my brain through focus and played with it. I made kind of wave movements which felt stimulating.

Through tax, reduction of policing and new economic impulses germany earns around 4-5 billion euros a year for legalizing weed: (sorry the source is german) https://de.statista.com/statistik/daten/studie/1277599/umfrage/steueraufkommen-und-einsparungen-durch-eine-cannabislegalisierung-in-deutschland/ Big campaigns which do education work cost around 50-100 million euros a year. So you can put 2% of the profits from legalizing weed into these campaigns which might balance out the effect of legalization and you end up with lots of extra cash for free basically.

Today in the self help group the girl I talked so often about came again. It was a 6 week pause since I saw her. Actually the combinaion of the talk with the leader, the good situation yesterday and relatively little stress right now I actually felt pretty emotionally balanced which is a complete contrast to a few weeks ago. And I realized that I bonded or started to bond with that person out of desperation. So that was weird. II needed to rewire that from my new state. If I bond I dont want to bond out of desperation but from a healthy state of not neediness and then from that you can look for support. Well I was so emotionally out of touch that this wasnt possible.

This feels a little embarrassing. I did some Impro acting in a new group today and there is this guy who works in a Kinder garden. When we did a scene together today I was in a moment where I didn’t know what to do next, a bit of an emotional overload and I think he had an eye for that and just said that’s not so important and changed the direction and I immediately lived up. I felt a deep sense of comfort all throughout the day. I basically need people who help me when my emotions or triggers get out of control because I don’t have enough dopamine in my system to do it myself. And immediately I will feel a deep sense of comfort and everything will work magically. That’s what it seems like. But in a sense it’s just love. I think I haven’t gotten love in some way. I was way better at self love years ago as well.

Weed consumption increased by like 20% in cannada after legalization, you gotta do your research sir: https://health-infobase.canada.ca/cannabis/data-exploration.html#fig2Wrapper While that is an increase the weed is cleaner and the extra tax money you get from selling cannabis legally and the savings from police work can be put into prevention work.

Well I asked chatgpt about it and summarized it roughly. Manufacturing is already highly illegal and they do it anyway so why would you expect a change?

If their views are too different they wont get anything done. Here in germanys last election we had parties which didnt agree with each other so progress was difficult. A key question I asked myself though was if that would be a bad thing. Trump does lots of things which are hurtful, Biden did many things which were helpful, if they both were in office and blocked each other then maybe on average it would be similiarly good. Or maybe it would be better because it would create stability. Or maybe worse because the population doesnt see any change so it isnt educated. Well if the pendulum doesnt swing back and forth a little some things would maybe never happen. For example healthcare. And then this progress is hard to pull out of peoples hands once they tasted it. Maybe even phases with lots of change and then stability phases would be best.

Yeah data suggests that in general the effects are positive, consumption stays roughly the same but the police gets relief, the weed is clean, selling weed legally boosts the economy, but prevention work is important. All in all its mostly a good thing. I remember years ago when I smoked weed sometimes when it was illegal. I remember how much I didnt give a fuck, it made it all the more exciting walking through the streets with a joint. And it wasnt like it was hard to get when you had some friends.

AI replaced many of my doctors and advisors and might replace my therapist. All fields which require lots of qualification. I thought that many jobs will be replaced, but I didnt expect that AI could even replace some social work as well, so the fields which stay open are quite few. Social societies will probably remain adamant for quite some time that humans are neccessary for some jobs, but in the long run I think most will be replaced. From what I know High level mathematics is something AI cant do well and with that maybe some other things which require advanced reasoning and also genuine ingenuity and creativity as well. But these are just a few fields. And just for getting by, securing that survival is handled, AI will cover almost everything. If societies divided wealth fairly that is. So the question arises how can a jobless person which provides no value to the world at large be happy? I think its important to look at categories of people in society who already dont work and live happily doing so which would include: elderly, disabled people, long term unemployed, nomads, very wealthy people. You can of course create artificial work, many people might need that for their mental health. Which really makes me think of the little society in Jim Knopf. In one season they collect gold, in the next they hide it. So nothing is gained of course but they always have something to do. Jim says at the end of the epidose that they might be happy living that way. Maybe we need that kind of job as well where the ciycles are just much more complex so that it isnt obvious that the work doesnt reach a higher goal. Well lets see how things will work out, I am not throwing my career away like that.

Oh wow I just remembered this part of my past self. I think over my lifetime I sometimes remembered that and then my memory closed again. Back when I was in like third grade I had this tendency to never ever say that a thing is like this or that I always answered with at least I think or guess so. Partly because of my adhd which made it hard to know what was going on but also because I came to the realization that I never ever completely knew something for a fact, there could always be errors in perception, bad information source, etc. I had come to this realization and it had a strong emotional weight for me, it was an authentic expression of who I was when I didnt fool myself into saying I knew something when I didnt. So people said that I should be more decisive and even said that whenever I said that I made a sentence and added "at least I believe so" or something similiar they said to each other that you can take that last part of the sentence out. But for me it was natural. I thought that we could all just adapt our language in such a way that we always said I think before a sentence. I thought a lot about why I thought so differently about the world and remembered that besides my adhd I also made some actual mystiqual experiences where were just undoubtetly true / a higher form of true even though at this age I still could only remember them vaguely. So I compared that to all the other things and they didnt have that undoubtetly true quality to them so it made sense for me to look at them like guesses but for a person who didnt make that super true experieces these guesses are likely the most true thing there is for them.

Key new insights about my problems: So with ad(h)d you have more awareness then other with the cost that you can regulate it less. This created certain problems for me that others dont face. In the social context for example I can see all the little signs of interest even from people way below or above my current status. This makes it problematic for me to settle in. I think most people will think of themselves as having a certain status and act from that framework, meaning they will be happy to have friends and romantic partners fitted for their status and their consciousness will hide interest from people below or above. For me this isnt the case as much. Even when I feel like a nobody I can still see that people way above my perceived status can be interested, which made it difficult for me to settle, because I wanted to settle with the best option that was available for me and I am conscious that people with high status have interest yet at the same time I dont feel worthy for them. And I dont want to use a person in the middle ground as a spoungeboard to help me feel better about myself so that I can reach the high apples. I have had plenty of people where I felt emotional interest in that moment and which suited my sense of self worth but I didnt go with it because I knew that I could do much better. And interestingly its also very hard to get emotional support because of it. Because with my perceived low status people will automatically be somewhat corrupt, wanting to support me sure but not to the extend that I would outgrow them. Yet I know my potential.

I had a big talk with the leader of the association I am in. I was to scared to do this talk basically for years. So this was a huge moment. I also dont have the best connection to the leader which made it difficult. I talked about many of my social problems in my association, there are still many things I havent touched on which would be too much but I shared a good bunch. Dont know how to feel about it now, I am a little scared of the consequences. But I feel a lot of emotional clearity.

Reminds me that I have to change the loose chain on my bike.

I find deeply deluted people fascinating. I always try to understanding how their mind bended that way. But I guess you somewhat connect to your massage therapist because of the touch which might take away some healthy distance.

I think something like this is weird to do like a practical routine but maybe the kind of person who is very logical and routinely needs exactly that. Pure dance can be a lot of fun, if you dont learn to get any enjoyment out of it you wont become good at it. I did a lot of free dancing in clubs and often at home. Maybe like 80 hours in total, hard to tell. Well you learn to get more and more comfortable in pure dance and you put more emotions into it. So you grow to enjoy it more. Some tipps are valueable, like dance with your soul not with your mind.

A water filter station is more expensive then that but it might even be overkill especially in countries with decent drinking water. Sad that it doesnt say how much percent of the heavy metals it filters out.

This shit has potential for a song, just take the intro:

@Leo Gura But you said it would be amazing. What did you have in mind?

Leo said he is directing a video game as he has full time emplyeses working on a video game for him. A few years ago he also once said to Razard that he wants to do a movie about infinity to which razard replied that he knew that Leo would want to do that. How the f do I remember these things...

Okay I see. Would recognizing oneself in the mirror count as being conscious of identity?