Jannes

The only question that arose today was if the intuition can be blocked because of decisions I did or stances I have. For example mayb my intuition was showing me one direction and my intellect another and I shut my intuition up to follow my intellect. What if I actively repress my intuition? Is it mandotory to redo or at least admit to myself to have went against my own intuition to get in touch with it again?

My RV-session went A LOT better then usual. Probably because it was the first major thing I did today, I didnt distract myself with Youtube as much and emotionally I felt more stable. Also my medication must have just hit. Still got most things wrong, with a few surprising hits. Could have been luck as well. But most importantly I was in a position today to improve and learn.

@Majed Why is veganism more complicated for you? If you are cooking at home anyway there isnt much difference between the effort of cooking omnivore or vegan. If you go out a lot I understand, maybe vegetarian could be a compromise. That being said acquiring some knowledge and supplementing is important of course, but you learn that once and then its not that complicated afterwards.

The pattern I want to outline here though is that when in times of need I look for attention everywhere, even with people I wouldnt go further with. Thats not cool for anyone. There arent many people I am attracted towards though.

I was acting really good at impro today. I havent quite tested how emotional I could get. Well when I was really going up I became a bit light headed which happened before as well. I cant really tell if emotions feel more or less flat though. The group asked me about the wpmi-girl afterwards. They gave me lots of support. I dont feel super in the right here though. Now she changed her profile picture though. From a relatively unattractive one to one where she wants to look beautiful in. My immediate reflex was that I maybe dont even want her that much. I have to be really honest will myself here, I need love which is why it didnt feel good when she created space. But was it really personal? Was I really interested or did I just need some love from anywhere? Well I was very honest about it before, which is why I am single.. I like her but I dont know how much. I could get head over heals into it. I dont even know if she changed her profile picture for me. I think its either that she changed direction and wants to attract another lover or she has a backlash for me.

Imagine a snail which coils in after one of its feeler hits a resistent.

Its not like I ever had a good RV session on my own, but this one went especially terribly. On most I just left the field open because nothing entered. I was so emotionally hit and unfocused all the time, realistically, nothing could have come out of it. Interestingly though it forced me into a conscious state where I faced a lot of shit though. Last time at my social spot the mario kart girl said to another girl I was kinda flirting with "You have beautiful eyes". I feels so ugly. Manipulation on a very deep/ perverted level. I am sorry to have ever flirted with people I didnt even vibe with. It causes emotional damage to everyone involved. Why dont I enjoy and give back the love that I receive? Today at university a group of girls put me into their ring because of lack of space. It was pretty nice. But its hard for me to take that.. WHY!? Well part of it is that I wouldnt have dated any of them. What I forgot is that RV itself can cause massive emotional turbulance. Facing that I might actually fail to learn it and need to find something learn can be quite a lot to take in. I put RV as a potentil career in my mind and I avoided actually trying it for exactly this reason, that I might fail and need to face all the disorientation. So seeing that I am doing quite poorly and also breaking with the wpmi-girl feels like quite a crash.

I am so coiled in, which shows in my response to other people. Gotta give myself some time to process I guess.

I feel emotionally much healthier when I am physically sitting in a university class. And I even get a lot of great thoughts. I should maybe make a list with specific examples in my journal where I felt emotionally healthy and insightful. Well I am lokking to confirm my suspicion that the general trend is that I feel better and more insightful when my survival situation is taken care off and when I am outside my room.

Not in my experience.

My father came out about half a year ago, admitting to himself that he isnt super bright. He was always playing the game of pretending to be much smarter then most people because of his mathematical skills, which he is indeed better then most people in. He put math and logical thinking on a pedastol and anything which didnt fit a simple logical structure he put at something less, so all soft sciences, intuition, what have you.. it was a huge thing for him because he had huge low self worth complexes from childhood and his dad, one of the main reasons for the complexes was great in linguistic skills but bad in logical reasoning so that edge was his way out. The ingorance towards crediting any other field with intelligence which wasnt pure logic annoyed me a lot though and I pushed back against it for probably a decade now. I was pretty shocked when at a walk half a week ago he casually dropped that he doesnt that he is that bright. He is a pensioner now so I guess a lot of survival pressure dropped. I dont think he was even conscious what a big thing he just admitted in that moment but it was a huge. And basically all that net of pretending to be smarter because of math fell off like it never existed. Today he happily joked about that he likes it when the riddle games he plays dont have a time limit. That was quite a phenomenon to witness and makes me question where I am not admitting things to myself.

I was into it back in the day but now.. Whats the point of pretending to be charismatic if it doesnt come authentically?

I think I underestimated how much the wpmi-girl lifted me up. Not feeling that good right now.

My parents visited me today. It was really nice actually, we had good talks, went out eating, did some riddles.. At the end my mom showed me some knitting tricks as well. I probably did it on level 3 or something with my right hand and it wasnt hard at all. Its much easier to learn in person.

I am practicing RV again and am already expecting to screw it up now. I spent a lot of money on it but thats always been the pattern. Thats why I am trying to hold onto as much resources as possible. Of course if thats the programming in your mind, you cant ever really fully relax because you know that sooner or later my survival will be threatened because of lack of resources. Made a break during the session again.. its only in these sessions that I become very conscious.

Beautiful. But why does it end with a cliff hanger "Experience is never direct". What the fuck is it then?

Movies seem much more healthy then most Youtube content because they can inspire you so much.

I dont need to knit to be conscious, I could be conscious right this very second. HOWEVER there are survival challenges going on always, so in a way knitting (or other similiar activities) help to channel that survival struggle into a minor/ automatic matter and so with the survival pressure taken off you can allow yourself to open up to whats beyond. At least thats how I imagine it to be. I am constantly thinking of myself knitting in peace. I am just in such a rot that its difficult to get going with things, but I think this is doable.

Just watched the movie Paterson. Its about the week of a poet in New Jersey. He is a chill guy with a healthy relationship and occasionally you hear some poets. Fantastic film. What I found interesting is that in the beginning I found it a little hard to stay conscious because it was so chill, it forced me to process a lot. Generally I realized that there are short time spans in my day where I am actually not resisting reality. Usually at walks or when I am out socializing kind of. All my ideas and inspiration and good feeling come from that. But all the beautiful moments in my life came from moments where I didnt distract myself but was full on conscious. Doesnt matter if its at the laundrette, in nature, ... so whats up with that? Why is it so hard to live that way?

Oh nice. Well I am looking more towards content, I got music on my radio player, but perhaps I pass by sometime.

I never actually watched livestreams. That might be worth checking out. With music I switched to a music station, so I rarely actually play specific songs. This is much healthier. With livestreams it might be the same. Worth trying out.

Had a long walk in the rain. Feel much better now.

I struggle a lot with being conscious and not distracting myself from just being. And I feel like all I am searching for is that, getting myself in a position where I can just stand reality as it is.

I cant fucking concentrate on my RV session at all right now. .. The reason I cant connect with any girl is because basically any girl I met was a fucking WHORE. Basically all of them would cheat. I dont want to connect with such degeneracy but then I am all alone. If someone could just explain the world to me but I feel like I willingly put myself in a stratosphere where no one else would want to go.