Jannes

My drawings werent terrible, it could be worse for starting out .. I still had the mind of a child though ..

Not sure what this is and I didnt know it back then either, only that I suffered quite a lot.

Drawings from like 4-5 years ago when I started drawing on my iPad. The drawings arent pretty but they convey a certain message. My spirit was trapped from survival pressures.

RV insights of today I noticed how the RV changed my mind. In some situation I noticed how my thinking mind was cleared up with my intuition. Not sure what the exact situation was but I just noticed a restructuring of my mind in that instance. It felt very nice and freeing actually. The RV sessions are really a supercharged meditation in a sense, because I constantly need to be on point. I think I really I valuee exclusivity/ commitment a lot I already made progress not falling for my minds first thought in RV. When I tried to get an input my first vision was often like a point with cracks around it, like a bullet hitting glass because thats like the first picture that comes to mind when the pen hits the surface of the paper. I didnt get that at all anymore.

I hate to do into conflict with adhd because I dont have the tools (dopamine) to regulate the negative emotions that will automatically arise from conflict.

I always wonder if its the lack of dopamine drive which makes me "morally superior" or something else. Basically I dont know if I would be just as bad if I had more dopamine in my system and only learned not to be because the lack thereoff. But then I dont know if I AM my dopamine which creates my psyche or not.

Was at my doctor for adhd medication today. She gave me the instruction to do a higher dose. Completly forgot to ask for other medications. Didnt take my doese today as well because I wanted to nap afterwards. Oh well, thats probably why. I also notice how my filters get much weaker.

I am growing pretty uncomfortable with providing space for all the people at my social place. Especially when it comes to hugs. Half the people I hug I never consciously opened up towards and a few just brute forced their way in and the more I let them in the more other people want to get in as well. I can't even tell how that happened. Well I think just my survival instincts weren't sharp in some key moments and now I am paying for it. As a result though, I am not really at flow. It hurts your confidence a lot when your boundaries are violated. ... Yeah I think that was the reason why I was contemplating, I wanted to know, why I wasn't at flow. Well I also didn't risk anything. I got into flow when I was gaming. But with all the people around me already, I don't know if I even want to open up to new people. ______ All I really care about is being true to myself.

You are in there for ideological reasons. Thats interesting, have you tested everything? B12, Omega3 included? Yeah when you eat whole foods, that reduces the amount of things you need to supplement quite a lot.

For the mariokart and chill girl I feel bad. She was super duper cool but I am just not emotionally ready for casual sex it seems. I really crave love/ romance. I almost feel as though I have to spent some time with her at least, simply because she was so cool. If not I feel like I am following some pattern of taking love away from people.

The trend of me not feeling myself socially continues. I wasnt super in it today. In the end I had a big adhd flashback where I couldnt decide how to handle the goodbye, where I wanted to hug a few people maybe, but not others. It was a complete overload which led to me standing there for 15min without a task which was akward as hell. I also noticed that I was a bit over the wpmi-girl. Talked to another girl I talked to before and she seems cool. I dont even know why I reserve so much for the wpmi-girl. Well she was very supportive at the beginning.

I made a big change with my haircut right now. I knew how to cut the sides, around the ear and the pony somewhat, but at the top I let the hair just grow and it fell to the sides. I didnt really know if I liked it or not and if I should cut it or not, but I grew more and more uncomfortable with my haircut. Something looked off. I cut small pieces for almost an hour. Not much hair is falling over the sides now and it looks much better. There is still a lot to learn. I also cut around my ear a little bit too far. I thought it would maybe look better but it doesnt. So I made a fade from 6mm to 10mm again to hide it a bit. Its really a journey to just get one haircut done.

It seems that the bulk of the improvement you make is placing yourself in an environement which is beneficial for your consciousness. Being at home watching youtube vs being out in nature or the library itself is probably making the biggest difference. Nietzsche said that he only valued what he wrote in his trips in the mountains.

My daily dose of unintentional insights from the RV session: I have such a need to talk about what happened in my old theatre club. There was a chance on monday. .. The RV session went decently well. I think it was slightly better yesterday. The obvious difference was that I took my medication around half an hour before the session today and right before the session yesterday. So I had a boost in the session today. What is most important seems to be being fresh though.

@Mihael Keehl Sounds like a bold choice but also awesome! How long have you stayed there?

Going to the gym at least..

I do feel significant social anxiety and emotional unease again. I guess its a mixture of the medications loosing their affect in combination with having an unproductive day so far. I was in a prime position to do something to do but instead just binged on youtube. I really have to admit to myself that I am not really in control of how much youtube I want to watch. A complete ban is the best thing for me to do.

The only question that arose today was if the intuition can be blocked because of decisions I did or stances I have. For example mayb my intuition was showing me one direction and my intellect another and I shut my intuition up to follow my intellect. What if I actively repress my intuition? Is it mandotory to redo or at least admit to myself to have went against my own intuition to get in touch with it again?

My RV-session went A LOT better then usual. Probably because it was the first major thing I did today, I didnt distract myself with Youtube as much and emotionally I felt more stable. Also my medication must have just hit. Still got most things wrong, with a few surprising hits. Could have been luck as well. But most importantly I was in a position today to improve and learn.

@Majed Why is veganism more complicated for you? If you are cooking at home anyway there isnt much difference between the effort of cooking omnivore or vegan. If you go out a lot I understand, maybe vegetarian could be a compromise. That being said acquiring some knowledge and supplementing is important of course, but you learn that once and then its not that complicated afterwards.

The pattern I want to outline here though is that when in times of need I look for attention everywhere, even with people I wouldnt go further with. Thats not cool for anyone. There arent many people I am attracted towards though.

I was acting really good at impro today. I havent quite tested how emotional I could get. Well when I was really going up I became a bit light headed which happened before as well. I cant really tell if emotions feel more or less flat though. The group asked me about the wpmi-girl afterwards. They gave me lots of support. I dont feel super in the right here though. Now she changed her profile picture though. From a relatively unattractive one to one where she wants to look beautiful in. My immediate reflex was that I maybe dont even want her that much. I have to be really honest will myself here, I need love which is why it didnt feel good when she created space. But was it really personal? Was I really interested or did I just need some love from anywhere? Well I was very honest about it before, which is why I am single.. I like her but I dont know how much. I could get head over heals into it. I dont even know if she changed her profile picture for me. I think its either that she changed direction and wants to attract another lover or she has a backlash for me.

Imagine a snail which coils in after one of its feeler hits a resistent.

Its not like I ever had a good RV session on my own, but this one went especially terribly. On most I just left the field open because nothing entered. I was so emotionally hit and unfocused all the time, realistically, nothing could have come out of it. Interestingly though it forced me into a conscious state where I faced a lot of shit though. Last time at my social spot the mario kart girl said to another girl I was kinda flirting with "You have beautiful eyes". I feels so ugly. Manipulation on a very deep/ perverted level. I am sorry to have ever flirted with people I didnt even vibe with. It causes emotional damage to everyone involved. Why dont I enjoy and give back the love that I receive? Today at university a group of girls put me into their ring because of lack of space. It was pretty nice. But its hard for me to take that.. WHY!? Well part of it is that I wouldnt have dated any of them. What I forgot is that RV itself can cause massive emotional turbulance. Facing that I might actually fail to learn it and need to find something learn can be quite a lot to take in. I put RV as a potentil career in my mind and I avoided actually trying it for exactly this reason, that I might fail and need to face all the disorientation. So seeing that I am doing quite poorly and also breaking with the wpmi-girl feels like quite a crash.

I am so coiled in, which shows in my response to other people. Gotta give myself some time to process I guess.