Jannes

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I think everything I wrote so far made a ton of sense. I am highly creative and emotional but also spiritual so I dont just want to give people ice cream to get over their problems I want to give them something spiritual. Some parts in the thread were about thinking how you could create spiritual content. Like maybe you can create things which are just so beautiful like Apple Products, or style that this can remind you of spirituality indirectly.

I recently read through some school letters from my myself in first or second grade. I seemed to like drawing and was always highly creative. Still one of my most beautiful memories was when I was in my room fully emersed in my own creativity. Thats what I like about acting probably so much, this expression actually comes from high creativity and Fi. Just that it destabilizes my mind a bit.

So when I decide to switch degrees from teaching to philosophy (and education) bachelor as an intermedium degree I might loose some options. A philosophy and education degree isnt worth a whole lot.

One of the great things about teaching was that you could do it part time and then focus on spirituality when out of school. Not sure if other social jobs allow for that to the same extend. The other thing is that I think about practical technical jobs more as those dont distract me from spirituality. This wouldnt be a pro teaching argument though. But with add I have a motivation problem as well, so I would probably be pretty bad at technical jobs because none of them really interest me I think. So social jobs might still be my best bet. But honestly I have a hard time imagining which social job in particular I would find interesting, but I am so interested in human psychology there will likely be some. As an INFP I have Fi , which is introverted feeling as my primary mode of operating so I probably feel good in many social job areas.

This is probably the weird thing for my mind. Atm its not just about practically getting things done as I seem capable of that now, but dreaming about what future I want to have. I did the latter by default to the point that it distracted me, now I have to consciously allow that.

Watched these today. Its interesting how being out in the wild can change your personality. The first one was acting and being funny weird at some points. Societal pressure makes you normal in some ways, so when that pressure is off mixed in with thrill from adventuring you are free to be more weird and wild. I also really liked the dramatic scene where he was just about to shoot the pig but then decided to not shoot it as he saw it was a mother pig even though he was hungry.

I didnt sent any message today anymore. I just dont think I am authentically interested. It is how it is. Or maybe I am but this was not the way so far.

Maybe I am still processing that I am actually in a position to change my life right now. I am also not sure how I want to go about my dating life. Having balls and talking to lots of girls is great and I want to keep that up but what about sex and relationships. I want to keep things conscious, so open book game only. But how do I find opportunities for it, do I actually (NOT in theory) want them? As an INFP this can be a trap, as INFP types love the idea of human connection but not really the reality. Just heard that as a phrase but it hits home. Well there are definitely quite a few situations where casual sex was on the table and I was in for it or where romance was on the table and I was in for it. Its just important for me to stay grounded in what I want. And be content with myself so I dont look for others to fill a void like when I was emotionally unstable. Basic stuff, but an important insight when you have it yourself and not just read about it.

I listen to Apple Music Radio sometimes and then Chill Music. Sometimes its great, oftentimes it sucks though, so I have to find another radio for that.

Havent done a lot today. Felt mostly confused with no direction. Some of the shame and unconfidence came up because I am not in touch with what I want in life, as I work in no direction. Maybe this is a good time to meditate and get my unconscious processing. This freaking song also did some damage, I listened to it I dont know how many times by now. It doesnt have a lot of earwig potential, not that I like it really anymore but somehow there is always still some dopamine to squeeze out of. Note: I also did some radio for this exact reason, most songs arent as stimulative as they arent super my type and when one is super my type it goes by. I am thinking how I can explain and articulate how a song I can have on repeat is bad and distracting.. -- Well, the first time you get a big dopamine spike and you listen to the song again and again wanting the same spike but each time it is lower so you get just a bit of dopamine mixed in with quite a lot of suffering actually which is quite interesting. edit: removed the song

My mind wondered into contemplating what masculinity is especially in my earlier trips.

I am sorry for anyone who personally has problems with AI. But I think in the bigger picture a few suicides might be a good thing even if that sounds heartless. Thats how society gets a wake up call. The consciousness about these suicides can in some way help create be more conscious about the importance of connection.

Everybody in the word can use it and most do, so of course in such high numbers there will be a few messed up cases.

I overslept a lot today. It all feel like a lot today. And interestingly I checked off all or most of the delayed tasks which I wanted to do, I am now in territory, where I have to decide what I want to do next. Scary stuff.

Its becoming really boring tbh. We sent ourselves like two or three voice message how our day went and stuff. Yesterday she didnt sent anything as an initiative and so I didnt respond the whole day. Honestly I feel basically zero connection to her. I think it would have worked if I was thinking that this would get me in bed with her somehow, or if I had any motive other then that. Or maybe we really dont fit together and this just honestly showed that. Or maybe men simply need sexual love first. Not sure.

Its interesting how I throw so many other socializing strategies which I collected here before out the window. Two major shifts happened, I left the theatre club and spoke my truth about why and I feel more competent through body doubling. That seems to give me the real fundation I was looking for.

At my social spot thing were all over the place this time. The girl I had such an akward conversation with distanced herself a little bit, like she didnt look out to greet me. But we still chit chat a little. Her friend looked at me in a critiquing way last time, today he even made a nice gesture towards me, bad sign, I am delusional lol. Then I saw a girl again which I am kind of friends with. Basically I felt lonely as fuck and looked for any kind of connection and we stayed longer playing table tennis together and were cool. I think she was looking for a hookup saying she just broke up with her bf and saying she is still young and so forth. It kind of registered but I was to emotionally unstable to act on it. I think she thought I might have very little experience. Fast forward to today we still see ourselves often because we have similiar social spots and for some reason she was really nice to me. Looking for ways to make a conversation going and when she said goodbye there was even a sense of manly rage mixed in there. So my best guess is that she picked up on me being openly flirty/ Fuckboy-ish and reinterpreted the situation from before. Even if it was self serving, the attention I got felt really good and gave me an immediate boost. Didnt know that this is what I wanted even.

Its not quite as easy it seems. Well it is but I do have to collective some more study points, especially in the second compartment. Which makes it not a no brainer anymore. This literally got me question everything, even if a social job where I work with people is even something I want.

I was wondering why kewl people in movies fascinate me so much, when it is more about pretending then anything else. Probably because I was always an outsider and never got it so I might crave some of it. Maybe I am trying to act it out even.

Not sure where to go at the moment but my best guess is that I will do a philosophy bachelor next and I have got some exams in philosophy coming up which I can impute into this degree. It feels to actually plan to change my degree, I thought so many times to do it and didnt which entranced me a little. It does feel a little surreal to change these degrees now. Randomly I want to change my hairstyle now. Its all connected somehow.

Implicit sources of information In academic philosophy I learned most in the lectures at the beginning in examples or glosses, which were about the stuff I would later learn supposedly. But the real gems were at the very beginning. I find it ineresting when sources like big companies drop little glosses in the form of art or presentation, there is so much implicit information you can study. Like the background photo on the newest iPhone. The apps that they use convey a certain way of living in that you should be stylish, social, keep in touch and distract yourself with the newest hits. Of course you shouldnt really deduce details out of it, but when you can catch the vibe roughy, that can be very valueable for sensemaking.

Thanks.

NOOOOO https://www.actualized.org/insights/best-bushcraft-part-4

I did 10 body doubling sessions by now. It seems like certain groups often come together, like you can really find your peers. I had a group of lots of young people which was cool. I run on free trial atm, after that its 20 dollar a month after student discount. Thats pretty damn expensive, but this goes so well atm, I dont want to stop making this a habit. On the other hand, the more I invest into this provider the more familiar I get with it and find connections, when I could instead to that with a different provider already. I have to say, the current one really is perfect, there is pretty much no complain I could have about it.