Jannes

I started listening to Goethes and Nietzsche as an audio book and quit very fast because you need full attention to follow so it wasnt a good fit as something I could casually listen to in the gym but that would maybe make it a great fit for the one book in the bunker.

Or do I stay in the bunker relatively shortly ?

That would be a very specialized book for this purpose. Like I might love to read a book about an adventure once but that wouldnt make it a good fit as the one book for the bunker, not because its bad but because its not intended to be read multiple times. A person kept sane in a prison where he was isolated because he managed to steal a book about chess rules and played chess in his head all day long. So a book that gives you something to work on could be good. Maybe a very long and complicated book as well where it takes you years to decode every single detail.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/biology-is-god

Pointers to God Whether you follow a particular religion or see yourself as “spiritual but not religious,” let’s put our differences aside for a moment. Can't we all agree that whatever each of us calls the highest truth—THIS is pointing towards IT?

'Moral people' are profoundly disconnected from spirituality.

When I intuitively contemplate about reality I catch myself relying on certain profound quotes or pictures for their richness quite often. So why not put all of these important pieces into one picture as a new piece of art.

Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion (c. 1944) by Francis Bacon Description (GPT 4o): This triptych presents three distorted, part-human, part-animal figures against a flat, burnt orange background. Each panel isolates a creature contorted in anguish, echoing mythological Furies and symbolizing raw emotional states—rage, despair, and suffering. Painted in the aftermath of World War II, the work reflects Bacon’s bleak view of the human condition. The figures are unsettling and grotesque, merging flesh and furniture in a surreal, nightmarish vision. _____________________________ I love myself some good art. While this picture is aimed to capture the emotions after World War II, it feels very much applicable to everyday people as well. Most countries arent in immediate risk of war but survival and unconscious ways of going about it are still going on in every domain at every moment. We justify our unconscious ways until the day we die, but if we were stopped in our tracks while we were still going strong, forced to confront all truth about ourselves all at once, thats the ugly face we would reveal. Thats what we are without spirituality.

You could tax companies for using AI so that the wealth generated by AI can get transferred into UBI. I would agree that it probably wont lead to a 1 to 1 transfer because of corruption, but maybe enough for basic goods.

My emotional system is constantly overloaded. I need to find ways to balance me to do anything.

Okay thats a fair point.

A nature jungle gym kind of destroys the flow for me. Like when you live a primitive life in the jungle, thats your gym. If you live an unnatural life then a modern pretty gym is great as well. But whats this in between - its way worse then an actual gym and makes his jungle home less naturally aesthetic.

I feel very clear in my head now. I feel SO ready to do psychedelics again, its absurd. I needed to talk about all of this in the club so badly... I do feel bad however and think of the consequences that I might create by revealing all this. Its quite a net which could turn against me.

The leader of the club replied back a couple days later and asked some questions. Then so much shit which was stirred up inside me came up and I gave a very long voice message describing parts of my experience but in a raw way. At first I was anxious getting this out. Then I felt super authentic and confident. Still have some doubt mixed in but I generally feel really good about it... this doesnt capture the emotional weight AT ALL but I am to tired to describe it in detail right now.

I sometimes suck at certain communication rules. If I want something, I dont know how to ask for it. I am either overly nice or straight forward and the letter comes off as egocentric. I feel like most people have dipped into the water enough to develop some strategies, I havent to the same degree.

Thats what I mean. Rats are highly intelligent, breaking that rats neck must have caused a lot of pain. Actually I just read about it, the method seems to be pretty intelligent, you knock the rat out and when you break its neck you disconnect the spinal cord to the brain which creates a very fast death. The small motions dont nessecarily mean that the rat is still conscious, it can be the body reacting, like a chicken that this runs after its head is cut off. So if executed perfectly this creates relatively little harm but its hard to tell from the outside if it is executed perfectly.

Damn wouldnt there be better ways to kill the rat? He doesnt even knock the rat out and then breaks its kneck with brute force. The way he does it looks professional and clean but I think it could be done better. Otherwise it looks very interesting even though it wouldnt eat it.

I kind of learn to express myself through this blog.

Weirdly comforting:

I hear that as an INFP a graphic designer would be a great job. I havent really looked into that. I did a little bit of photoshop back in the day, thats all. I always had a tough time learning the program. Because I was emotionally in a bad state I didnt have the calm to do it, because learning requires a certain degree of calmness, which is why acting often worked out for me, I finally had a place where I could express myself creatively. But I have so many ideas in general for example on my blog without a medium in which I can express my ideas in, so learning to be a graphic designer could do both, it could earn me money and a lot of ways to express myself creatively aka living my life purpose. It takes about 1-2 years to become good at graphic design and with the help of Leos tipps, I know how to make a great portfolio. When I was in an emotionally better state, as a kid I loved this game though. There are probably tutorials online with which you can have a similiar experience learning the programms of a graphic designer.

The path to becoming an ergo therapist is just a little longer as getting my teachers degree. The teachers degree is a lot higher of an degree and could give me more options all around, which is important because with adhd you easily get bored from a job and want to change. As an ergo therapist I work in the right direction already though. I have to compare the options these jobs open for me. And working as a teacher might not be ideal but a very strong backup option for when I want to change carrers and want to make good money for few hours of work.

I remember that I had a friend who had a ton of self worth problems stemming etc. from a bad childhood and I worked a lot for him. It felt incredible, honestly I thought at some point that I just need to replicate that at the future and I basically dont have to work anymore because I like it so much. However it just didnt really work out, I spent so much love but nothing really changed and I was running out of love myself, I thought I had infinite fuel but I didnt. That depressed me a little. And I also had my own problems and so it came to an end at some point. But this is basically still what I do all the time. If I learn to get my own needs met, maybe this can be work for me. I am basically thinking that my work needs to be closely tied to the field of a social worker who works on helping people with emotioal problems, trauma, etc. Its just not clear to me what my exact taste would be. Maybe hardcore trauma would just be too much for me for example. And also much of my inventions and ideas come from this point, helping people with art though instead of directly. So in my life I either want to do direct social work and do my art in my free time, or do creative work as a job and at least have plenty of friends I can be the free psychiatrist for.

I wrote the leader of my club a text message that I want to leave the club a few days ago. He hasnt replied yet. I thought about it for more then a year now and writing the message itself took me about 6 hours with weeks beforehand. The club was the biggest heartbreak I ever had, I committed so deeply so breaking from it created panik in me. It was almost perfect, a place where I could find out who I am, almost. But there was just such an accumulation of bullshit I experienced there, it just doesnt feel right anymore. After I wrote the text message I felt pretty vulnerable, like I dont have my group to protect me anymore. It was interesting the evening after that I dreamed pretty vividly, I remember taking LSD in the dream. I am clearing up and might be more open to psychedelics again. Made a tour yesterday to clear my head. I almost went back into writing the leader of the club that he should forget about the message and that I will be back. I will face a pretty harsh reality where I dont have the club as a supporting group (even though it was toxic there) while also not having many other options. It might all be because I felt the support of my student friend that I had the confidence to leave the club, but I cant rely on that. I notice however how making new connections with other people feels a little more organic and natural, like my primate brain adapts to the new survival situation.