Jannes

I am three episodes into the Ahsoka Series on Disney+. I really enjoy it, it seems more serious then what I would have expected. The acting is also pretty good, there is a bit of this artificial warrior energy at some points but despite that its pretty good, they especially catch interpersonal situations with pure body language without explicitly talking about them. What is also interesting how much my mind works through stuff when my attention is fully absorbed into something. I think its actually a good idea to FULLY distract myself sometimes, when all I do is listen to soft music sometimes, it might not fully be enough.

Froth 1 on 1 body doubling session started.

I kind of had that romantic idea of myself for years now of waking up early and going jogging first thing in the morning. Thats it. The rest of the day can be whatever, but it likely wont be whatever, because I already had such a great start.

When body doubling works so great maybe guided meditation or guided yoga where I actually do the thing with other people works well for me. I go to the gym and they offer a few yoga courses a day..

My friend wrote back saying he misses the vibe of the festival, is in the cinema and afterwards at a social spot. It kind of sounded like an invitation which overwhelmed me even further. I was hesitant for more two hours or so until finally sending the message I already wrote which entailed asking if I know any of the people who he is with at the social spot, leaning into the opportunity a bit but also expressing the feeling that this is a bit of an unknown territory for me. Then I felt like I needed to meditate, didnt get anywhere after an hour, then got just a little closer to a relaxed state. That could be for a ton of reasons though. I really feel like a scared b*tch, not gonna lie. But also on this one possibility actually lies a way bigger fish, as I lean into this possibility more I unconsciously stirr up my relationship to the old club, distancing myself, calling them a bunch of idiots. This is why I was so scared of leaving the club, it gave me some kind of social connecion. I think I sometimes overrate my own social confidence. Well it can be very high in certain situations, but it is highly nerfed by traumatic experiences which arent yet healed. Healing them = Gigachad.

It worked again magically. This is insane.

When I ask myself "Who am I" I do experience a sense of "I". "I" feels a certain familiar way. But sure when I put concentrated awareness onto it, it looses its substance but only when I do that.

Direct experience.

An experience.

I think I need both more experience in remote viewing and direct experience of asking the godhead to make any comparison, this speculation is pretty pointless.

I am jumping in circles from doing online body doubling again. 1 on 1 is kind of scary, but thats also why it is so effective probably. Anyway I just started my third 1 on 1 session, hope to get important stuff done.

From god consciousness!?

Perfect. Well I dont know shit but intuitively this makes sense.

My friend who invited me to the festival just asked how I am doing. Damnit I cant find the quote, somewhere here I wrote that I sometimes push people back who come to close to me. The difference between taking the quote from the past and writing my feeling down about it is that the later is more of a reaction and could have less interprative value, but maybe more actual value. Anyway this overwhelms be a bit. Guess I just write back while I breath slowly.

Yesterday I slightly screwed up. I wanted to leave at some point but I always dont know how to, like who should I hug or give a fist bump or what, its too much grey area. So I stayed as usual. At the end I was alone with 3 other guys and that openly talked about chilling a bit outside and I was kind of integrated but also not completly, my social battery was low and I was looking for any sign that they wouldnt want me in. So because I left so late it was pretty obvious that I rejected their offer to chill, one guy even asked me if I didnt have any time or if I am uninderested to chill with them.

Realistically I probably dont need to cut every week but I learn much faster with higher frequency and because my haircut is still mostly in tact after a week its also easier to not mess up.

Second haircut ever completed. Not only did it already feel much easier, I also understod much more what was happening, how the way I cut affected my haircut and so on.

My neighboors are doing some construction work. It makes me constantly irritable holy f*ck.

Socializing wasnt fun today. My fear was relatively small and subsided fast but I just really wasnt in the mood, all this intense socializing the previous days still need recovery.

Its time to go to my weekly social spot now. I dont want to and I am kind of scared but I am going anyway, this is important.

Elon Musk is a role model of mine in a very narrow way. No I dont like his fascist tendencies, his big ego and narcissism. What I deeply appreciate about him though is that he has so much talent and genius despite being very bad with words publicly. I sometimes struggle with great good articulation on the forum, my writing ability isnt all that great and it takes me a lot of time to write a few lines sometimes, especially if I am not 100% emotionally there. The problem is that your ability to articulate yourself is almost always on the forefront, just great articulation alone can carry you a lot. So I like to see someone who isnt good at articulation still succeed. That being said I sometimes have my moments where my articulation is actually very strong, especially in deep one on one conversations but thats relatively rare.

I took this very serious this morning and asked chatgpt for advice. It is about staying conscious about these emotions, not avoiding them, but leaning into them while relaxing and breathing slowly. I managed to really process quite a lot to the point that most of this unconscious emotionally charged mess was gone and with some light music and a chill attitude I got some things done today completly without body doubling. Maybe because of the remote viewing exercises I probably do soon I realized the importance of getting into a relaxed and concentrated state.

My horniness also increased.

I kind of had that romantical thought of myself that my confidence wouldnt increase from the hookup as my 'soul simply starved for depth'. But I notice that my confidence indeed increased. Well that it didnt explode might be a sign of high development. But that it increased to a significant degree means that I didnt fully integrate that I had all these options before. Well there is a undefined path from potential and actually making it happen.