Jannes

I am really not feeling that good. Not sure if its the wpmi-girl or the old theatre club but I am griefing a bit.

You are so goddamn honest sometimes.. I wonder if empathy is the only thing which keeps your behaviour in check if you throw moral concepts out the window.

The wpmi-girl really had the social dynamics figured out. She had insane support around her. After she turned harsh towards me, she got feminine support all around her, massage, hugs and all that. It seemed like she completly filled up. I dont think I ever witnessed such a strong display before. Damn I am really having a hard time articulating myself, I guess thats from the gaming today.

Didnt go to my old theatre club and I dont know how to feel about it. Played 3 hours of Pkmn Showdown, which I was madly addicted to before -- a usual pattern in avoidance for me. Interestingly afterwards I was so stimulated I was swinging back into wanting to go, but it was a little late then.

You wouldnt see a moral problem with that?

@Majed Good job men! When you wonder why so few people have inner peace, look back at this.

And yesterday I think I had kind of a bad dream, I was running in the area of some train station but it was moreso a walkway. It was really dark, pretty much completly blank. I think I was running because I expected sommeone to chase me. It wasnt literally a bad dream in that I awakened in a shock, but it wasnt really a comfortable dream. Afterwards I needed to pee and seeing myself in the mirror seemed scary -- typical nightmare-ish aftermath.

I had a dream today where I found a shitton of sweets at home in some compartment. I think I am really having difficulties refilling on love.

Today is a big celebration at my old theatre club. I am ringing with myself again if I should go or not. There is so much in the air, without any talk to ground it which sucks. And I also dont know who comes. So much lost love.

So I asked her how her weekend was and not directly when we wanted to talk to give her the chance to ask. So she replied and offered to talk on wednesday at a spot. Then 3 hours later she wrote that she forgot she had karaoke with a friend but maybe we find time. I guessed that she wanted to avoid the talk and said that its no problem, we can talk another time I would be at another spot then. So today I saw her again, greeted her and she made it really obvious that she didnt want to see me. She stood up very slowly and was very unenthusiastic in her voice and immediately sat back down without talking or giving me any attention. It was so weird. I was a bit hurt and seemed to seem sad on the surface. So later she said that I looked said and if I wanted to talk but suggested that I maybe wouldnt want to, doing a complete switcheroo. That was a very short interaction and then she left at some point without saying goodbye. So nothing was ever talked about.

With medication and the ability to basically have some power, many things dont seem so drastic anymore because I can deal with them and maybe I also do more, not sure. Welp and probably because I set boundaries automatically shit doesnt even happen to me.

I notice however that I am always in these survival games looking who might be interested and who is not. That really drains me and doesnt make me happy.

I feel really good. Life really doesnt feel like constant suffering when you have friends you see when you go out, games and all of that.

Socializing went super well today. I even got back into playing good table tennis and I also had more control in what I was doing. I could connect with people I previously struggled with because holding the connection felt overwhelming. I didnt have quite the same crazy energy as usual but I felt really good. At the very end some struggles I had before actually came back where I didnt know whom to say goodbye and at which point so I stood there for some time.

What is problematic is that after years of not getting shit done I am trying to learn something mysterious which made even be a scam and it will take months to even see result. It may be of benefit to learn knitting on the side as well because that could give me a small victory, motivation and a sense getting things done.

Its important to built a bond with the teacher it says in the book .. Well its not like he is a wrong person or anything but I struggle to get onto the same wave frequency as him, the chemistry seems to be organically a bit off. Stefan Franke would have been better perhaps but so much more expensive. Welp the chemistry can still improve with him.

Second RV session for today. It didnt go well judging from the result. I thought I finally got it at some points and I was exactly dead wrong in these moments. My remote viewing training said that it is normal to have a massive dip in performance after the first session and it takes months to get good. Well I never even had a peak really. Well maybe 5 years back with Stefan Franke was probably my strongest performance. I would like to test how chatgpt would stack up to see if the few things I got right would match the average luck one would statistically get with zero skills and just guessing.

I am weirdly closely in touch with myself right now.

Did my first RV session with my new protocol. Got almost everything wrong and it wasnt that fun. Just a sober analysis. Good that medication helps with stamina.

The way how my adhd-self, and my medicated adhd-self are in contact is through truth. Because I cared about truth without medication, I understood all the dynamics happening which are now just proven and made more clearly through direct experience.

Whats painful is that I think I deeply value deep connections/ relationships and I pissed away a decade of opportunities. That may just be too painful to look at. Welp its not like I didnt put in effort. Some of my most beautiful experiences actually came from opening up and supporting other people. Like with my ex f+ whom I supported when she had a pick up or another girl who I visited at a theatre show. Being there for other people might be something deeply important to me. But when I am taken advantage of so often, that value has no way of manifesting healthily.

@meta_male Do you still have social circles?

She says she forgot karaoke with a friend beforehand but maybe has time despite it.. Well I think she is uncomfortable with a talk so I slithered out of the situation tomorrow. This situation never should have happened in a way, because either I would be to sensitive to even bring up a serious talk (pre medication) , or I would be stable enough so such a misunderstanding wouldnt have happened. I am not even sure if she was looking for something serious or just a short romance but I feel like she expected to be more in charge of it all. Or maybe she fears rejection from my end. Its just sad that there was so much energy in the room which never manifested itself in any way. I do have some kind of emotional attatchment to her, I am definitely not unbothered with how this is going.. If I do built romantic interest however I have the chance to show it.