Jannes

Whats up with these super realistic Pokemon fakes, there seem to be so many of them.

No one asked for impro theatre in the group as usual yesterday. My adhd brain creates a stroy about my friend and his gf somehow having to do with not wanting to do it today or wanting to leave me out. I have to recognize that this is my adhd brain spiraling out of control, there is probably another mundane reason for it.

I am tempted to really blame myself as I did before. But then I realized that this wont move me forward, instead it will get me into needing emotional support which creates even more misunderstanding. Its true that whenever I socialize I create heartbreak for other people just by existing seemingly. Can I take more responsibility? Hows my ego playing into all of that? I think if I just had a partner then a lot of misunderstanding of me sending wrong signals because I need some kind of intimacy would go away. But I have all of these second thoughts about all of the options I have.

The EKG didnt work for me a second time, no signal. The worker there has no idea why as it works for all the other patience. Its probably a combination of me being relatively skinny, having a low pulse and maybe other factors which make it difficult. Have another appointment tomorrow at a later time. Will I roll back into bed immediately or wait a bit .. ?

I am wondering how the dynamic with my friend and his gf who wanted to smash with me is turning out now. It would have been awesome to go along with the ride and maybe get closer to both of them, but if I dont want to smash, I dont want to smash.

Trying to solve everything with untreated adhd is epic, with medications I could just numb myself and do fine but I would never reach the epic emotional peaks as I could without medications.

Well maybe because of it even. I have seen so many girls attatching even harder to a guy when he goes for other girls.

Well in a way I already kind of did when I asked her if she could open her ears if any of the single girls are single. But then some gestures are just going a bit too far, of her seemingly looking for any kind of connection..

So with the girl I am kind of friends with and whom seemed to be getting closer last time, I could have set a boundary earlier. And then maybe I could have put more in as well..?

Am I just scared of letting go of control?

I had a match on an dating site once and on the profile of the girl it said she is asexual. But then I was like, nah, thats also not what I want. ... Then does anything I brabble about even make any sense.. ?

A walk is always good. I have to get up early tomorrow for the EKG. Thought about how I can create connections a lot. So generally I prefer women as friends but the problem is always that they want to smash or develop feelings. Which is why I very much enjoy the company of the artists girl because she has neither interest. So realistically a connection with a girl could work in these scenarios: in an actual relationship, f+, or with a lesbian gf. A male friendship could work more easily but I am just not easily comfortable around males. ... Also I noticed that when I am the one who is actively approaching then I feel more comfortable building up a connection because I am in power. Yeah ...

He implies that the left got Kirk killed which has not been proven as its an ungoing investigation but then uses that to demonize the left as a whole. Complete black and white thinking, the right lives in objective reality and has absolute truth, the left lives in fantasy world and has no truth. Where do you even begin with critiquing such a worldview .. ?

The thing is I would like to actually cry right now, but I feel kind of numb as well, my emotions arent that sharp. Part of that is that I maybe dont accept them. When I really sit with my emotions I experience them sharper and find relief in whatever they are. But because of adhd I have problems feeling and working through them. The answer is kind of coregulating emotions but I dont have someone for that and 1 on 1 body doubling with strangers doesnt really work for that I think .. although that would be interesting to study ..

I cant make a hot bath, but I could watch something that actually interests me. ... Its normal that you have down phases after ups. But also I think about potentially loosing some key connections which in itself isnt great but also in a broader sense makes me question myself and my shortcomings .. I think what I need the most would be someone I can really share some deep stuff with, a comfort person. I have maybe such a person in mind.

I feel like a crybaby right now. I deserve a rest kinda, but because I watched so much youtube the last couple of days, I dont really see a way to make things even more comfortable for me. ... 💡 A hot bath with an capturing audio story would be so nice.

There was just a premiere at my old theatre club yesterday. It was kind of a good moment to go back but I just honestly didnt feel like it. But thats also a bit of a sign I didnt really want to sent as well.

Oh wow, I didnt realize how many options Headspace offered for uniquely tailored meditation. I really like the semi guided timer meditation, the dude reminds me every 4 mins or so to get on track which is perfect. I felt so not in my body starting the meditation, just somewhere else in another stratosphere or sunken somewhere in low in my body, it was really weird. Then I felt this chi like energy again. At this point I experienced it so often I can recognize it though its weird and alien. Tried to play with it a little, what its properties are and how to bend it and so forth and I felt like I got the hang of it a little, by letting go of it I seemed to increase its power to insanse level and compressed and hardened it yet when I did nothing it took on all kinds of different shapes on its own, so I really have no idea what my impact was. I only know that I started it somehow with meditation.

I dont know how to feel around the artist girl. Yesterday it was awesome as it felt like she had such a high vibe and was inviting me openly in her world a little bit. Today I felt a bit like one of many suckers who orbits around her. I really dont feel in my power today is the thing, so yeah thats how the dynamic changes depending of where I stand.

Everything is chemistry. Every thing that manifests is made out of a chemistry of things around them. Yet every thing is also responsible for creating every other thing in this chemical process.

I am sooo tired, I didnt even notice. I thought that getting enough sleep would need to be enough especially because I chilled most of the time yesterday and today as well but no. The girl asked me if I go to the club with her today, obviously asking to smash as she was very transparent about it but I dont want to. It sucks for her, sucks for our relationship, sucks for future possibilites but thats how it is. I kind of thought about her being part of my closer friend zone potentially, but this probably wont happen now. Its unhealthy but I am kind of prepared to let people go very fast now, I dont attatch pretty much anymore. I am just a little scared that I wont have anybody. Well the connections with male friends are constantly deepening but just much slower because I would prefer female friends. Whats true remains..

I sometimes had little bursts of crazy energy I remember a few years ago. Where I felt in touch with myself but it was so much crazyness and so far away from who I was that I coulnt express that really. This artist girl is kind of the manifestation of who I wanted to be. This place is perfect atm.

If there is one thing I couldnt do its rapping I think. I sometimes saw myself in this scene in particular, I would just stand there overwhelmed. But there is a lesson I took away, for Eminem to be invincible to his last opponent he needed to own all of his weaknesses. I know everything he's 'bout to say against me I am white, I am a fucking bum I do live in a trailer with my mom My boy Future is an Uncle Tom I do got a dumb friend named Cheddar Bob Who shoots himself in his leg with his own gun I did get jumped by all six of you chumps And Wink did fuck my girl I'm still standin' here screaming, "Fuck the Free World!"

What a cool dude. It also helps that he is good looking.

I feel like I need to do lots of foreplay to compensate for my rather average size but that is emotionally more intense then just straight banging I feel like. Meh. Also I am just not that used to it anymore.