Jannes

Asked a female friend who hosted the party casually if she and her supposed bf are in a monogamous relationship and she said no, they have an open relationship. OMG! ...

The second medicinet pill broke my brain, I was super hyper active adhd. It was actually pretty nice at impro acting but just too much afterwards. That was about 4 hours after I took the second pill though.

I was just flying through my RV - session today. 21min, I never had less then 30min before. Also just two mini breaks I think where I wrote down a sentence or two about something I needed to get off my mind. Already was in university and stuff today, so this wasnt the first thing in the morning and I had a big meal followed with a second dose of medication before doing the RV session. I felt relatively sharp though. Not sure how all this affects my ability to RV. .. I expected a dip in performance today, first because I would likely expect to be better which would ruin my results and second because it was likely just a lucky hit. But it was pretty okay, I would say almost on par with my results yesterday. Maybe I did improve a bit.

Well his doctor in philosophy was literally about defending idealism, seems hard to get even more sympathetic then that. My point is just that with this in mind, maybe his positions doesnt seem like progress anymore but more like a position he already held.

One of my seminars is cancelled tomorror. The slop is insane, I have so little commitments. Which is great, speeds up my RV-progress if that ever leads to something.

When I came back from a walk today I maybe saw a women from my old theatre club in her car. Not that I ever had a close connection to her, but I pretty much atomatically waved to her just so she could hopefully see me in her back mirror. It was a bit much but I didnt think much of it until now. It seems that this group still simply overwhelms me. I am tempted to too many survival goodies with this group. I think this is really the reason why its so hard to either part ways or find a new beginning. I cant completely block off internally because of all the benefits but I also cant go there because my mind would be swept away by the group think. And also no one, not even the leader would want to voluntarily talk with me about the club outside of the club because then I could threaten it.

Contemplation about Mewtwo From memory I really liked the first Pokemon-Movie. Uncharicteristically for Pokemon, this one has a lot of depth to it. After Mewtwo broke out of the evil scientists lab my own plot for contemplation opened up for me though. Could Mewtwo, or any other being for that matter, which never received love in the traditional sense, learn what Love is? When I think of it, its part of the theme of many books and novels. Think of the clone troopers from Star Wars or Grenouille from the perfume as epic examples, not to omit countless other stories of personal tragedy. When you dont experience any love from others, pushing towards doing the "right thing", if that concept ever magically occured for some reason, would be a dry push. If Mewtwo ever learned to love on its own, it would need to come from a divine source and would be on a higher level then all the other loving we do. It would be existential love in its finest form.

I said vegetables in this context as a symbolic placeholder for foods which contain minerals and good stuff that you need. I do believe that basically all veggies are healthy but I dont want to open that discussion. And I didnt say sugar is unhealthy, I made a more nuanced point.

The first time you do something new and scary you are in a very rare situation. Your opening new original pathways and you are allowing life to unfold. That automatically brings you more closely in contact with reality, with being genuine. Thats maybe the best way I could describe it.

The problem with sugar is not that it is inherently unhealthy but that it doesnt provide health benefits. Its a missed opportunity. And you can easily eat too much of it, which leads to overweight, which leads to ton of health benefits. So basically a naturally skinny person eating a ton of veggies and healthy foods can also eat ice cream every day and be close to optimal health.

Haha

Remote Viewing. I do formal training to learn it with a coach and all that..

If I am a bit generous I got more then 50% correct in this RV session!!! Not enough to convince me its real, it could have been luck as there are many things on the picture of my target today though but still likely my best RV - session on my own yet. Also no single Pokemon AOL, just a small break seems to be healthy. Its really interesting watching my current associations as it tells a lot about where my mind currently is.

Wow, no major breaks during my RV - session today. Which was the goal anyway, but a bit strange that it happened. I had a few thoughts about the girl, yesterday and the relationship between thinking and my ability to remote view though.

I think this is very telling about my current socializing spot. There is still much growth to do.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a boner, dreaming about banging her. Then jerked off to her. I dont even know whats going on. Well.. I made the discovery before that when I feel socially at peace, which I was when socializing with two friends I was a bit closer with yesterday, I feel much more at ease going for sex. That in combination with that girl I have obvious affection for seemingly resulted in this. I think the lesson here is that its not that I have a low sex drive, but that I have emotional blockades. Which might explain why I still have this player mindset oftentimes despite seemingly falsely assuming I am mostly above sex.

Beginner luck is a thing. My first approach was also very successful. It was in a train and the girl drove to another city where she lived so I didnt ask for her number. But I created a ton of interest from what I remember, simply because my approach was so genuine.

Dont Contemplation and Meditation just archieve different things? If you want peace of mind Meditation is superior. If you seriously want to understand reality Contemplation is superior. For understanding reality some type of spiritual practice, psychedelics or sober technique, is necessary though while for just having a more peaceful mind the right technique is enough without much understanding. Thats how I understood it, correct me where I am wrong.

If you play these games and you overcome the thirst you wont enjoy the sex as much afterwards.

The dynamic with her bf is interesting. One time he made the comment that as a white men its weird to speak of surpression. So obviously a leftie but I feel the whole rhetoric is so sub and conform. And at another point she kind of bullied him, saying that he is so funny in a sarcastic and even a bit offensive way. So she seems to be in control. When I first talked to her thats also the role she seemed to play. Well.. the reality seems to be that I have a weakness for that kind of people or at least sexual attraction.

I was a bit sceptical at first, but oh, did that mixup feel good. I was there with a few friends I know closer though. At one point one said that he really appreciates me for being dead honest and authentic to which another one agreed to. Good to get that feedback. Knew another girl from chit chatting before as well. Gosh, I dont know what it is, but I feel super attracted to her. I kind of have a sexual blockade but with her I would do it right away. She has a bf though. She seems authentically interested though, also giving off a few subtle signs with the most obvious one asking me if I want the last gulp of her grapefruit beer as she couldnt finish it. I have to be careful to not drive into the next mess right away -- unless she is poly or something.

Going to a house party now. Its good that I breath some fresh air after being in the same socializing routine for weeks now.

If I would just be able to control myself without medication I would really reach incredible heights.

There was a situation with another girl at the social club which whom I flirted to much basically and I feared I couldnt create a boundary. I feel like the last time she naturally got it. When I dont spread my awareness and flirting all over the place but in a controlled manner with the help of medication everything is clear.

I didnt think about my old friend at all for the last week, Wow. Medication really is a survival button, filtering only what is important for survival for me now. In a sense I always wanted to have that voice, even without medication, but not necessarily step into its shoes.