Jannes

Notes from yesterday: Following the observation that I am kinda over that meat based thing I made the logical decision to ask a friend of mine if he is at my main sexy club today. The moment I wrote the message I noticed how I hoped that he wouldn't have time but he immediately answered that he is going, so there is no way of avoiding this now. I think it's both true that I need some recovery but also that I am set up a bit better then usual from socializing the previous days and experience brings me forward. Luckily I got a two and a half of hour train ride in front of me, so I can relax a bit. I am wearing these elegant shoes. They make me look way better but they aren't comfortable to wear at all. And I also don't really feel authentic in them, partially because wearing them despite discomfort kind of implies that I value showing off over comfort. But also just discomfort just isn't cool lolz. I have got stomach aches from going today and I don't think it's really the positive ones like you get before a public performance for example, more the ones that you feel when you have inner conflict. I really only need to stay 4 hours though, then I can take the first train home, so it's not a big deal. ___ Holy crap I forgot about my nails!! They are somewhat acceptable but not the optimum for this kind of adventure, Noooo. I don't think any store is open anymore which sells nail-arrows. I kind of thought about all the other things I could do as well instead. But if I lost my commitment to my current club then I wouldn't have these ideas. Fascinating, like a picture that only comes to full effect with a certain background. I really have beautiful shoes on. There are more elegant then sexy though. With a blue belt I could really create an outfit for special occasions.

Woah, great art in this music video.

Nah, what do you expect from enlightenment? Hopefully not lol. Yeah I indeed remember some advocates here.

Interestingly though IF that is something I experience over and over again, then I cant really judge my old club in particular. Thats huge.

The female rebel gives me more of an itch then the male rebel I feel.

Luckily for my adhd appointment I didnt need to be all that sharp, it was just questions I needed to answer from childhood memory. Next time they want to do one more extensive test. I am kind of scared they do an iq test and I deliberately didnt ask. I have no idea if I would be good at it or not, but there were so so many situations in my life where I wasnt attentive to what was happening so I did stupid shit which resulted in failure which got me to confront myself with the question if I am super dumb or retarded on a deeper level. I cant fully grasp what the fear really is, its a mix of fearing that it was true all along, or maybe I also wish I was actually super intelligent and fear that this wish wont match reality.. Intelligence and iq plays as the most accepted measurement of that in society plays such a big role in how we rate our self worth and so on. I know people who built their whole identity out of having a high iq. On the other hand maybe its good to face my fear anyway. Or maybe also not because as soon as I know I might compare myself. Its like making an ethnicity test, its hard to be racist if you dont even really know what your roots are I feel.

It blows my mind how I wrote so many sentences. I am pretty tired, but I especially notice how much less functional my mind is. I got like 3 hours of sleep and a nap with some coffeine to boost me up. I hope its just the lack of recovery which makes my mind less functional and not socializing in itself which creates all this fuzz. Remote viewing can be hard in this state, I also skipped it yesterday.

What was interesting though how I saw a guy making out with a girl as a hookup yesterday. At first sight I was kind of jealous but I found it interesting to observe it from the outside. They talked, got a bit intimate, played some table tennis, kissed a bit, he rubbed his dick through his pants on her pants a bit and so on. And I was like, I am not really jealous, its just meaty without spark. I dont think this would really give me much of a dopamine spike. I think I need to experience a bit more of that myself though to get over it. I am set up perfectly in a sense. I can really get a sense of abundance, fullfill my fantasies and come down from it maybe realizing that it ultimately doesnt fullfill me. But thats a maybe, I will go in there without bias and find out whats true for me. Thats the ideal scenario. I get the sense that what I am really starving for is a deep connection with a monogamous partner, but the only way to really find out is with actual experiences. Sex is such a deep driver in our minds that wise stories wont fully convince the mind I think.

This isnt new to me at all. But after so much experience I can grasp the pattern much more clearly which brings me into a position where I can better decide what to do about it. I often felt guilty for these instances but this wasnt a good strategy. I didnt take opportunites yes, but nobody was ever really happy with that. Importantly I also wasnt happy with that because well I left empty handed in these exchanges. And with an empty stomach the next and next situation just happened. If I was just selfish from the very start I probably would have done way less damage because everyone expects you to be selfish. But I still want there to be a more true way. I also couldnt believe how I did it. But it does make sense with my new social experiences. I never try to force anything, everything I do is just spontanious and somehow I connect to people in this way and find success. It doesnt feel like doing anything, but thats exactly what you want, you want people to be authentic and not tryhard. -> that I dont tryhard doesnt mean I am less effective I also believed that a relationship is some kind of spiritual connection but its just ape shit. So of course these light but effective shots which I make unintentional can stirr up a shaky relationship. -> many relationships are shaky ape shit

I seem to repeat some of the same dynamics as in my old club though. Just in the way I socialize and look for connection I sometimes start things which I dont fully consciously intend to. In the other social spot I met a girl that somehow knew me from acting and because she is in a small acting group herself was interested to recruit me and gernerally to struck up a conversations. Shortly into the conversation her bf came around, being intimate with her in front of me to give me a sign. I just stayed unshaken with a calm poker face, she stayed unshaken and unirretated and he stayed there in the same way. It was a really weird standoff. Wedneyday I saw her again and we talked a bit. It was cool and all. Then yesterday I saw her again and she avoided eye contact a bit at first and I maybe should have taken that as a clear sign. She still greeted me though. Then a little later I was out of the table tennis round and sat by myself a bit lonely and she also got out and happened to cross my path. I looked at her, suggesting I would enjoy her company. She sat next to me and will her eyes she seemed a bit all over the place and also searching a bit, I could quite grasp what that was. We had a bit of smalltalk and she said that as a project she wanted to do an interview about my old club and if I wanted to make an interview with her. I kindly told her that other people who are more up to date with the club and the newest plays would be a better match. And at some point she left the table tennis circle because she was kicked out I think (failed to play the ball) and went to her bf, I dont know was there. A guy there kind of made an eye gesture, suggesting that something got kind of stirred up. Thats just one example of where I get into situations somehow and if I dont navigate them perfectly kind of end up as an asshole. This was just breathing for me..

I just reflected back on how spoiled I am with this social spot every thursday. Its a leftist club with lots of young girls, table tennis for something to do, charme, a ton of subcultures, crazy outfits .. basically a place where your liberal leftist lives and breathes. And I still have a ton of opportunities, being 26 is not a problem at all, but when you dont expose yourself and just live in your head, that can get to you. I even felt a bit of an interest to go out today again, this place is truly special and I feel like I can really open up. It also makes me a bit emotionally fuzzy though.

They ain't stopping

It was nice. As always I was scared to go but this time I became conscious that every time I go I am scared and it pretty much always turns out okay. So in a sense I got more comfortable with my fear. I was very chill today, sometimes just observing but also with quite a bit of talk. I really just want to be authentic. In a sense I stay in a place of not knowing, not knowing what my next impulse will be and when I commit to that sometimes I am silent but oftentimes spontanious things just arise and I follow the impulse. I also for the first time left earlier then the club closed. This is actually an archievement for me, as I never knew how to say goodbye to other people so I just stayed. I noticed how much more emotionally stable I was compared to a few months before.

Edibles is just weed baked into food. Sounds like a mature path.

@Someone here If you can do weed you can do edibles. Edibles can be a really strong psychedelic. But with psychedelics in general you should be psychologically stable, have your survival situation managed and so forth, thats up to you to judge if you are ready.

Tomorrow morning I have my 3/4 appointment for my adhd diagnosis. And in one week I have my last one. This could not make a big difference or a huge difference depending if I get a diagnosis and if so if I get theraphy and or pills which work. Its definitely a variable in my mind which would be nice to uncover. I have to bring a paper to the adhd specialist tommorow and I feel like I havent completly answered in 'favor' of adhd everywhere. I was just honest which is good of course, but some things depent on me actually having adhd for my ego and for getting student loans again. Well changing anything now would be obvious, I wrote with ink like a month ago, it would be visible that there was something edited later.

Men I really havent left my room today, despite the weather being great. I always feel bad when that happens, like I have a basic need to get out even once. The morning routine archieved at least that. Just took a nap, I kind of dont want to go to my favourite social spot which just opened again, it was just so much already yesterday, I havent really built the capacity to go out that much. With this social spot I am going out 3 times a week minimum.

It would affect the whole net of my old club if I started anything and my old club was unconsciously kind of my tribe to me, so it has emotionally quite a big grip on me and maybe I am avoiding it for that reason. That the leader of my club wouldnt answer me back after I basically told him anything, I would at least have some grounding to work with.. Well I would get feedback but I would need to get back in touch with the club first was what he hinted at. I dont want to get back in touch if nobody is giving me real talk first and the leader of the club realistically seemed like the only person who I could do that with, most other people there are too guilty themselves or too networked to be honest. The leader of the club as well, but I thought he was more mature about it.

Okay so there is one girl in the network of the old club I have a much better feeling for then for the rest. But I really dont know her well. And she is kind of in rivalry with another girl which I dont find cool. Okay so when I would make a choice I would make a choice against other people which I am afraid of as well.

I was kind of expecting to get an insight from that reflection into the core of my problems and how I would finally solve them. Well I didnt. The only step that would suddenly make a drastic difference would be to get back in touch with my old club, tanking that their treatment felt unfair to me and write a girl there to built something, a relationship or something of that sort. I have so much status in that group I could do that. There are a few candidates but for most of them I got kind of a bad feeling in one way or another. And it would be questionable if I could even really fall in love with the club again or if I would trap myself again. Generally I need to make new positive experiences to heal the past ones. And if they are to heal my deeper wounds it needs to be a deep connection. So I should be very selective who I let into my personal space and generally coming from a place of abundance is helpful.

What I find interesting that Leo explains so much explicitly. I had many of these insights myself but I wouldnt articulate them. Leo really does things differently with this explicit approach.

Spent 4 hours today to clean my apartment. I am not satisfied yet, but it does look a lot cleaner. Besides being more comfortable inviting people over, you also feel more comfortable in your place. Although idk.. this hardcore cleanness also takes some comfort away somehow.

Yeah, same problem here.

Want to clean my whole room and music just aint gonna do it for me.