Jannes

I can almost do that when I am really conscious and that feels by far the healthiest. The more force you have to put in (physical and heavy porn) the less conscious and healthy on the mind it is.

this has a very short introduction:

What is sad about any kind of content is that the viewer is only conscious enough to appreciate so much of it. I think there is so much beautiful content made with divine creativity but you cant ultimately get to that state by the content alone, maybe you see a glimmer..

The meditation music ended so I took a short break to write all of my thoughts down, but now its hard to get back into it. I also need more meditation material. Finding the right material is hard because I want something guided but at the same time I never now how long I want to meditate. Maybe I should look for meditations starts which give instruction for the first 20 mins or so but then go for 3 hours. When you consciously think about problems with the intention of solving them you can actually solve them wow.

Thinking about a moment at the Fusion two weeks ago. The people there definitely welcomed me and were probably offended a little that I didnt take the chance, it just didnt click in my mind fast enough. I think I have to be as conscious about these situations as possible. When I contextualize the situation very consciously and feed this into my unconscious then I might change patterns. _________ Socializing is super light. I still make it a bit too much of a heavy thing.

Part of the reasons its hard for me to find friends is because I am not interested in most people and I am sure people feel it. I couldnt see that because I needed help for regulating my emotions. Now that I feel more grounded I am more able to see this dynamic.

There is my conscious mind thinking about stuff and then there is all the underlying stuff which I especially notice in my dreams. I should put some more attention to it. So I was thinking about this situation a lot in my dreams, or basically if I want to have sex or not with her. She isnt really my type but she honestly has great character so I was debating this a bit. You should only do what feels right in the end.. and it feels like I do have some sexual blockades. Its hard for me to make male friends and I realize that the few femals friends I had kind of thought I couldnt game or didnt have that much experience. When you act like a gamer you loose some comforts. I always wanted a lesbian female friend.. Or I have to maximize my fuckboy energy and then I can hang out with the girls I cant get peacefully.

Yeah I was right, I am coming in contact with my authentic self. I remember I felt like crying a bit.

I felt very strange the whole day. I fixed my printer but that was it, I mostly distracted myself. I craved a certain nostalgic distraction though and digged deep... I felt pretty tired and I kind of overwhelmed but I couldnt really point out what it was exactly, maybe just unconscious processes, I felt like I needed to meditate but waited for it till night. Now I did a bit of that and my whole experience flipped. I feel like all the process from the last couple of weeks accumulated and brought me to face more of my inner self. As I meditated I let go of some resistances and blockades. I just had experienced some weird energy again. Its really tight and strong energy and I can kind of move it around. I dont quite now how to control, how to increase or decrease or not, how to create or not loose it. But I felt this energy occasionally when I meditated since I started like 8 years ago. And I could never really explain it. Today I put it on my 'third eye', cause I didnt know what else to do with it until it vanished at some point. It seems I have a natural connection to this energy, so I should figure out what it is, how to control it and what to do with it.

Golf is one of the few sports where you dont need to be super physically athletic. Maybe his 'I dont give a shit' mentality gave him the calm to play golf well in high stakes situation.

When I change my degrees I might not get (free) student loans anymore, this is something I am calculating now.

i NEEDED to get back into body doubling work today. I noticed how I was avoiding it, how I was avoiding change, slacked off, numbing myself. I became very emotional a few moments ago for some reason. On adhd medication I always very easily become sick, now that I am productive without the medication I also feel like I could more easily become sick. Just that it makes you more productive means that your system is stressed more.

Nothing works today, I couldnt pay for Flow Club or anything else and I cant get on body doubling Discord server because Discord doesnt sent me a SMS for some reason. So I do some recorded body doubling, surprisingly it works.

When I was productive the day before I feel more awake after sleep as when I dont. Not sure what it is but it is probably my mind naturally getting back to work instead of resting. I wondered why I have such little control in trips, and thats partly because I dont control most of my daily life as well. When I do the body doubling sessions though I can work and I take that mentality with me throughout the day. I took a few days break now. Not sure if its an ego backlash as I do need to make quite a lot of important decisions right now so I might need that time to process. But I want to get into the habit again. My beginner trial on FlowClub ended so I need to pay my first 20 dollars for the first month. Long term I am looking for a free version, but this doesnt feel like the time when I want to switch as I want to make it a habit -- although thats what I wanted to say yesterday, but idk I feel adventurous today, will see.

I have only ever done shaven and stubbles with my beard and I think light stubbles suit me well. I would like to test a light version of the balboo. https://hairstylecamp.com/balbo-beard-styles/

I wonder if my biggest strengh and weakness is empathy.

'Who am I' inquiry https://www.actualized.org/insights/nisagardatta-on-self-inquiry I did quite some "Who am I" inquiry for a week or more like 3 years ago. All in all I experienced one beautiful glimpse (not an awakening) and some early serious signs that this was working. I was at a train station and saw a guy who looked similar to me maybe 15 meter away walking along and for a moment it felt like I was walking there. That shocked me for a moment and I needed to remind myself that, "I am standing here, he is standing over there, I move my feet, he moves his feet." After this experience many other instances followed where I felt like I was another person who looked similiar to me. I bet thats just the beginning, when I deconstruct even more, then I might identify with other people and objects in the same way. Thats how serious deconstructing your ego self is, it radically transforms your experience of reality. So that was fascinating. As I just reminded myself of this exercise again and just asked my mind the question "Who am I" just once, it felt like I triggered some trauma. And I remembered the picture of how my mind tried to defend itself back then. It presented an idealized version of myself and asked me "Why do you want to kill me, I am so beautiful." Like this anime girl. This was crazy stuff.

@Davino But from what I have heard, sober mystical experiences can alter your baseline state of consciousness. Basically what happened to Frank Yang, he doesn't do a lot of meditation exercises anymore. So in this sense if you get this vertical peak it will effect your horizontel development as well.

I had a good social opportunity which I missed today. I was so tired the last couple of days, probably because of all the inner processes.

I texted the leader of the club back more then a week ago.. I was silent for about a month after leaving the club because my survival situation changed so much, I wasnt clear anymore what was true. Hasnt wrote me back yet.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/a-toothy-couch Had a philosophical conversation with a picture of old Johnny Depp yesterday. He gave me many deep insights about life.

And I couldnt really be spiritual because my survival situation was a mess. Already said that but I rememberd this just again and it felt striking.

Relative beauty in styles Styles only look good relative to a certain environement and outside of that environement they are the exact thing that gives rise to beautiful outfits. If you live and breath in a professional career for example, wanting to be influencal, making lots of money, being a winner, suits can look great and a tie with the right pattern might be like the greatest thing ever for you. When you are a rebellious teenager hating on authority, doing drugs, getting lost, living for the thrill, this exact thing can look horrible. A jeans with some holes into it is like the best thing ever. Or maybe you like to be a minimalist and all that seems like distraction to you, the quiet of simplifying your life gives you a deep sense of inner piece and grounding, and an all black'n white outfit is the greates thing ever for you. Or you are more of an artist and you live in your creativity and expression. You value art, beauty and authenticity everywhere and for you an individual complex layered, rugged look is the ultimate thing. Or you are a practical sports person. For you there is joy in life when you get work done which helps to move the world in a positive direction. So you like to wear workers trousers with a sweat absorbing sports shirt. Ultimately all these are relative dreams, not capturing the whole of the reality. I wanted to wear something spiritual but you cant wear anything spiritual, reality can only be contextualized as spiritual so then every appearence, every outfit becomes spiritual.. Or maybe one can point towards it, I am not sure. Point is in most cases you need to dream to find these things beautiful. You can fall into all the dreams I mentioned and from there certain things will appear beautiful and stylish. That the beauty is seen requires you to dream.

But with my LP, I also realized that I need some kind of grounding outside of it. Like I am not sure if I would be happy working on spirituality and creative endavours my whole day, I need some structure as well. So this is where these social jobs might be great.

I was in university today and right now I am putting all my data from iCloud to Google Drive and so there is a bunch of background work on my Laptop and because my laptop is so slow it takes a lot of time. In university the internet is very fast though so I saw all of the items one by one getting uploaded. That was so satisfying to watch, as an adhd person who struggles his whole life with not wanting to get the things done that he wants.