Jannes

You are on point with that. But it sounds depressing, your articulation is rather nihilistic as well. You rejected the illusion but with it many possibilites of the dream as well.

I am not sure how big the difference is between reading Mange and watching Youtube. My brain is fried either way. I thought reading Manga would be a different category because its not a video.

I was looking forward to continue reading Blame! It got pretty boring though. I kind of forgot the Plot and the action isnt really that interesting to me. However there are so many ideas integrated into this distopian world and I got a bit of that, but I am not looking forward to reading more.

I didnt notice a huge difference with double the dose right away but I will probably notice the difference the coming days.

Oh I hope you are prepared to live without medication as it can make a big difference.

I already archieved states of pretty strong discipline in the past. Blocking pretty much all distractions. But still my adhd couldnt motivate me to do anything or process my emotions which came up, so it didnt help. If I would give that sort of routine another shot it might work much better this time.

I was weirdly pretty on point on a few things though.

I was daydreaming like crazy. My RV session usually takes a little longer then 30min pretty consistently. This one 49min. Its really a learning experience of how not to go into the session.

The RV session went terrible today. I slipped in one last (1,5 hours) YT video before the whole block and it makes me super duper numb. Got my daily dose of insights though: I thought about visualizing my distraction mechanisms, what the usual layers are before I get really conscious. Whenever I am healthily non distracted, distraction feels all the more rewarding, which is a trap. Really the only hug which felt completly good was with one friend yesterday. All the other hugs were often a mixup of things.

The last time I went to my old theatre club was when I felt a huge confidence boost with the wpmi-girl. I noticed on another occasion that I leaned more towards going back with the mariokart&chill-girl. So basically when I feel confident and secure in myself I am much more likely to go.

I turned on a complete block for Youtube which takes 5min to disable. So I turned to typing video titles in the search bar, copied the preview and watched it in this journal. I tweaked my search engine DuckDuckGo to not show me video previews. Seems to work. You really cant affort any leak if you are addicted. Interestingly though when I am really used to not watching Youtube for some time I dont have an instant relaps as soon as I open Youtube again. The pattern can creep in relatively quickly though if there is an opening, especially when times are though and I need distraction.

On my way to my social spot yesterday I thought about it. The rock weighing down on me just looks like something I needed to carry with me all my life when I was growing. Maybe my intuition cooked that up when I was drawing, not sure. But I liked that interpretation. It would be a nice piece of art actually, just a random ass rock on the top end of the tree looks surreal, which captures the feeling well.

I am seeing a girl at my social spot about once a week atm. I already got her number and she seems super interested. The problem is that I have a hard time opening up to people emotionally while she has no problem with it whatsoever which overwhelms me. We have very different speeds. I light up on the short distance I can follow her until it gets to much for me and I create distance. Important to note though is that she seems to already know me through friends which would likely reveal both very high status but also social anxiety/ trauma. Has anyone experienced the same dynamic and has any insights to share of how to go about it?

My social spot gets pretty boring actually. I always see the same people but dont really deepen the connections. And its always the same thing I do. Not sure what needs to change, maybe a different set with new challenges. Or maybe its just the state I am in which pulls me down. A step towards the right direction is getting clear about what I want in my dating life, so I have something to put my energy on. I am looking for a girlfriend ideally. I am just so tired of sex. Today at my spot I saw one girl running around pretty slutty. And she was good looking as well. I could have gone for it as a hookup but even in that scenario I would have needed to manipulate my emotions a bit to get going. There isnt much of a point to it atm. And thats even most of the upside.

The way I deal with conflict is mostly by just leaving. Which is good but it has its limits. I cant even deal with the majority of people in this way, some competence in confrontation is required.

Just when I think I need to embrace survival more I get a message from a female friend of mine taking back some points she said about another person. So careful and conscious ... But then why was she also ready to seemingly cheat on her bf on me.. Oh men.

I am pissed. So I did see the wpmi-girl and was ready to be a lot more distant towards her after what happened last time. She came to me though and went for a hug. Then she asked me if I wasnt sad anymore like last time. This seems like such an unconscious way of taking control of the dynamic. First she was at fault for me feeling sad last time as she was deliberately unsympathetic towards me. Second I made her a gift in not hiding my sadness because of it. I could have hid it but I consciously choose to be open about it, cause that would be the conscious thing to do. And then she took that as an opening to take control of the dynamic last time and even brings it up again, when she could have just avoided it. I dont see how this dynamic can become healthy, it just seems like she already revealed too much of how she plays. I was a bit more distant afterwards but she still went for a goodbye hug being super nice and stuff. I am a bit confused about it all. And then the other thing was that I bumbed into a guy and he is a bit crazy. So he got pretty close and said that he liked the punch, I could do that more often and he would pay for that. It felt so overwhelming I just smiled but went away putting the ball into the game again. I felt like such a bitch running away from conflict. Once you were a victim that role is in your bones. Once I reminded myself of the dynamic and that I am an adult now and anything I felt back in power and would have had no problem with a confrontation. But I was reminded of emotions I felt back in the past. Generally confrontation to that felt extreme is something I dont experience that often so I dont often make sense how it affects my social behaviour. But it may be a pretty big key. Once I confronted the leader of my old theatre club I felt so soo good for quite some time. Same thing basically.

What a costume idea haha

I am too beautiful to stay inside my house with pattern like these..

Aight imma head out. Its helloween and I am late at my social spot. I kind of wanted to stall because of the wpmi-girl. Not sure how to go about her and all the other social people but oh well.

Now that one is interesting. Its from an ex-prisoner who was a mercanery, did crimes and stuff. He was a coworker in a ciosk for some weeks. His mind was pretty sick but he was good company.

NOOO DONT TO IT (Do it)

Gosh, I was so horny back then But my love for beautiful scenery was there back then as well. I think I copied that picture as inspiration to draw something similiar.

Thanks