Jannes

Feeling a bit sick. My RV - session was almost an hour long today, I was daydreaming like crazy. The results were pretty okay though. Some thoughts while doing the challenge: I am using my intuition more and more I notice. At my social spot yesterday I even remembered how I once realized, that you cant be funny intentionally from the ego, it needs to happen unintentionally. Similiar to how you cant force results in RV. My situation is quite simple. I refuse to take my position as a high status person and in the process put myself in a position below my survival potential and this is what I feel all the time. If attractive people only get love because of their looks and non attractive people dont get any love because of their looks, where is the true love? I guess when two unattractive people love each despite their appearence or when two attractive people love each other internaly despite their appearence but its most likely found with average attractive people. Beauty democracy. If genetic manipulation of humans gets legalized that would be a real thing. Should everyone look like a 10? What would be the downsides? The most ignorant and comfortable romantic plot in a movie would be an attractive women being in a toxic relationship with a fat ugly guy who is super toxic to her and then she finds chat who is much nicer to her.

Really didnt feel like going to my social spot today mainly because of the freaking hug situation. Went anyway and it was pretty good. I just cant open up to so many people, I just have to accept that. I didnt go for a hug with one girl though and that felt really bad. It was weird, I feel like she kinda flirted with me while being with someone so thats how I integrated it and so I didnt go for a hug this time. Although now with some distance this feels reasonable. In the moment it didnt and she actually seemed hurt. Its annoying to always be the one holding everything morally together. And in some cases I am oversensitive. Going for a hug isnt like cheating and sometimes people actually did the work, like opened up the relationship or break up or something. Some people you just wanna have around and she is like that.

Watched the video and I generally liked it. Could gather some gems. The way Leo talked about his intelligence which has become greater then anyone elses over and over again, whether true or not, became old at some point and I imagine it would sound incredibly arrogant to new viewer.

8mm on the sides looks much better then 10mm+ from the frontview. Just a little tweak.

Anytime I felt emotionally at ease it was when I was connecting with someone somehow. For example when I talked with that one girl about the wpmi-girl, last time with two friends at the house party, ... And whenever thats the case I am ready to scew it up again with casual sex until I am emotionally unstable so I back down. .. I thought about maybe having some casual sex or f+ connections. Would they put me emotionally at ease or disrupt me is the question.

This is an elegant way to include worthwhile advice from the forum, without pinning someone.

Then you would have a karmic bond with your ex for 30000 years. Its true though, sex is a pretty emotional experience so you will built some kind of bond. I still think about the girls I hooked up with sometimes. But my body count isnt high, so maybe its because it was just a special experience.

@Valach Thanks for sharing. I am in a similiar mindset sometimes and I dont get myself. Good to see that I am not alone. I think thats spot on.

Never heard of those before. In Germany the gold standard is medicinet (Methylphenidathydrochlorid) and Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamin). Yeah taking a day off might be a good idea, although the brain chemistry is still different, for one because the momentum of the previous day and second because the brain recovers to baseline. Also with medication I could direct the trip better.

My RV - session didnt go as well. I was in a rush though. Wrote down a couple of notes which I didnt yet post. Why am I putting so much pressure on myself? Things are gonna work out somehow, I cant control it all. Wait, am I the baby elephant?

I feel weird describing my relatively successful dating life when it seems like a few people are reading this, it feels like bragging almost. Two things: For one I dont want to change my rhetoric one bit, I want to keep it authentic. And two I also seem to have blockades about opening up which likely overlaps a bit with what I describe here which. Part of my survival strategy seems to be to be undercover/ keep a low profile. Which is something which happens to people who were bullied. Although I am not conscious of how this exactly manifests.

Cant open up the emoticons. Huh, the last time that happened I permanently couldnt upload pictures, maybe another function is shut down.

Oh my dreams. Somehow a baby elephant got to me and I took care of him. I probably didnt do a good job at it as he seemed to loose a lot of weight looking like a noodle. When we went swimming at the beach together I thougt about if I should feed him bananas or lentils. I was loosing him at some point, then was very relieved to find him again. I felt like I have gotten to him a bit egoistical though, seeing him as something I own. So he swam away like your own child that you cant keep in your house forever.. bzzt so when I searched for Mr. Baby Elephant at the public train and saw him at another train I had a breakdown and punched the window of this train with my blank hand, not to intimidate or take him back, but just to show and express him how much I love him and care about him and want all the best for his future. He barely even noticed me which was seemed totally expectable.

Just found out there was a reality TV show where Mysterie taught game to newbies. If anyone watched it, is it worth watching? https://www.imdb.com/de/title/tt1083958/?ref_=tt_ov_srs

So I ended up reading Blame! to the end. I feel like the best inspiration was at the beginning, I didnt get much out of it afterwards. This moment was funny.

Spent some time with me to get more in touch with myself and what I really want. That was nice. All of this is just survival shit. The only person I really seem to be interested in is the girl who seems to have higher standards at the social spot. .. But I am just too stupid to follow that. I need to get some sloppy sex to get it out of my mind.

I dont know how to organize going about all the girls I flirt with atm. So with the wpmi-girl I am keeping distance for now, even though she was nice last time. The mario-kart and chill girl is a difficult case because I already know that I dont want anything serious from her but she already committed to a certain extend and I also see her all the time. So when I flirt with another girl its bad but when I do as well because I see her so often. The girl who is in an open relationship I see on thursday, next to the wpmi-girl and the mario kart and chill girl so thats a bit of an unfortunate overlap. On wednesday I also kinda flirt with another girl but she has healthy standards and looks for something a bit more serious I think. Or at least I see her more of a gf material and would like to free resources if I approached her. .. Thats one side. The other side is that I dont truly know what I want myself. I am swinging back and forth between wanting casual sex and a deep relationship. Its weird, I feel like without medication I would have just found something authentic but I wouldnt be able to manifest it. Now I feel like I am just falling for a mistake. On the other hand maybe this is the only way I can learn atm.

Considering my mental state I went through my RV - session pretty fast today in 26min. I only made a break with the previous post. And I also thought about how much damage I took from the leader of my old theatre club withholding a response from me. Judging by the results my session went pretty badly. Yesterday I expected to get worse, today not so much so this sucks a bit. Its the normal process though to have a few sessions which go very well but most going badly for quite some time.

Oh and hyper sensitivity including the emotional domain is also a thing and falls under neurodivergency. Should look that up as emotional oversensitivity is like the most striking problem for me and it might be a problem of its own or a side problem of adhd. Making that distinction might be important to get crystal clear about my mind.

Had a talk with a psychotherapist today. My adhd psychologist recommened them to me. The psychotherapist was interesting. She seemed grounded but a bit hard to get warm with. I was in a very weird state as well though, I felt like I was tripping with the medication, so maybe thats also on me a bit. She talked how great group theraphy is but that solo theraphy would also be an option. Could start with group theraphy this week or next, afterwards a group is formed and its hard to enter. With solo theraphy it would take a little longer. While I was there some things went through my mind. For one, I made a lot of progress so the problems I had back then when I wanted theraphy arent as pravelent as before. I also wouldnt talk about remote viewing I think and importantly I dont know if I would talk about my flirting problem. I dont know how to package it. I imagine people there with little sense of self worth, without a partner and I tell them that I struggle with having too many people who want to smash with me. Who would even believe me when I told them. I opened up on the forum and nobody believed me, I opened up to my parents describing what happened in detail and they didnt believe me, I told my ex-F+ and she didnt believe me, I told the leader of my old theatre club and he didnt want to talk to me, I even told my old psychiatrist and she didnt believe me ... I have good reason not to open up about it. And I dont feel like telling her. I think she also just saw a lot of shit in her career. I feel like I have luxury problems when I talk to her. Maybe thats true. Why dont I just take what I want and shut up. Well, now I could but without medication that really wouldnt be possible.

I just remember, so after impro in the cafeteria I was filling oat milk in a coffee of a friend of mine and barely dodged bumping into another person. I was just, thats perfect, I just got all the adrenaline for no cost. There is some mad cocktail going on in my brain with that second medicinet pill today. What is so interesting is that I was also less sensitive. I asked for more stuff for myself, like when I asked if that girl was monogamous. So reading the reactions is interesting.

Today he told me that my eyes always look red. Interesting.

Maybe their ego gets over their head and they think they have no limit. Similiar to Russel Brand.

If I know loose interest all of a sudden, my mind is seriously twisted.