Jannes

Read it yourself:

That sank in the last couple of days. This takes the biggest reason why I have bad feelings about the club away. So there is no reason to abandon them in particular if I want to socialize at all. Just like that I am thinking about getting back in touch. I still have really mixed feelings about it though, if I want to go back it should feel right.

I think I could really benefit from some tea. 🍄

I was rolling in my bed thinking about all my social problems before sleeping, right after sleeping, I hate that this puzzle seems so unsolvable, I have rarely been so immersed into something. One thing I should maybe do is ask for advice. Its just not easy to actually find a serious person I have a good relationship to. The other thing is maybe I am just expecting to much. I mean I do ask myself the question of whats going wrong socially because something is out of balance. I am not getting my social needs met and I struggle to do so. But I also have tons of baggage from the past which limits me. So even perfectly going about it with just my conscious self (and my unconscious self hindering me) its probably just not possible to get the type of connection lets say a person with a healthy social past could get. So maybe I need to change my expectations. Improvement is betterment, to feel fully connected and at peace is hard to reach.

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it.

I was thinking about a vacation programm for people who want a restart with their style, possibly a restart in their life. Next to the hotel would be a huge cloakroom where you can take any clothes you like. The problem is that we often think about how certain clothes fit next to our other clothes or we dont dare to try a new remake so we kind of stay locked. At this place you could make completly new outfits everyday. After you wore the clothes you can just give them back to be washed and offered again. Of course that would kind of be a second hand service. To make it more eco friendly you could maybe also bring clothes and take other peoples clothes in a trading section. Imagine you spent a month there trying a new outfit every day, at some point you tried out everything and hopefully really know your flavour then.

Also scared that I might embaress myself or that I thought more about myself then what I actually bring to the table or that I miscalculated and someone isnt actually interested !! The direction of progress is always where it is uncomfortable.

Its interesting, I had a bunch of conceptual philosophical talk in the short time period where I had my philosophical seminar for 3 days. Not sure what the value really is in that, generally my 'thought and insights' seem to have transitioned more from philosophical to spiritual although I cant really pin that down because I have no finished definitions for either of these things, but one difference is that philosophy is more conceptual and spirituality has more to do with insight and direct experience.

havent finished that one yet though

I kind of cramped everything into this journal, even my philosophical and spiritual insights. But thats problematic because I will just loose them in this journal.

I find it intriguing how music can convey certain things that other mediums can’t. Like, what’s baked in there metaphysically that makes this piece of music, pretty universally at least among humans, convey a sense of the sublime, infinity, God? How’s that possible? What are the limits of that?

Telling yourself a joke There is something deeply pure and wholesome about telling a joke to yourself. It is enough that you find it funny — in fact, that is the only important thing, as it makes it absolutely true. The universe laughed at itself in a certain moment in time; there are no social games, no doubt that this is good.

I am thinking about what self love really is. Its kind of the key but I dont even really know what it is. Maybe thats the most important question.

Somewhere in this journal I wrote that when I waste my time and energy for people who I dont really like, I loose that energy for the right people and I cant even reach them. So no, selling myself is probably not a good idea.

I am putting zero thoughts into a career other then remote viewing but for remote viewing I am not really doing many exercises because I dont know where these random exercises on the internet are realistically going. Its just so hard to actually proof to yourself that it is working. In the backstory of Stefan Franke, he read several books and tried a few exercises and after half a year or so he was finally sure it wasnt fake. So really I need a strategy to go about it. Also I am wasting time in my semester break where I could practice.

I kind of miss having a big project to work towards. I think that always made me pretty happy. Probably theatre plays or something of that sort would be my final destination but right now I am still thinking about creating a weapon for Team Fortress 2. I could install my PC again but I am afraid of getting addicted. It could set me back several steps, I put it away because it was interfering with my development.

One time I was pretty honest that I wanted something intimate with somebody. Well I didnt say anything explicit but this was kind of in the air for a lot of time so just vaguely implying it was enough. She implied that it was super fine with it but also wrote that I should keep my zealousy in check, it was kind of dirty talk for her and and she also created this kind of constellation that she wasnin demand. I was immediately tired of these social games, I really wasnt all that hyped about it, I just wanted something intimate and likely afterwards a nice vibe would have happened but I didnt want to invest anything. I also thought that she would probably play all kinds of games with me. So I didnt play along. It seems that she got pissed at me and nothing came out of it. I hate pretending though, but it was probably a very small investment in the landscape of social games.

But there are tons of opportunities which I could just take. For most of them I have ethical concern, or the people would just bore me, but not all. There are a few where I just have a hard time accepting that they might want something from me. So part of it seems to be a personal process of self love, because in a social context love confidence is often given but the person also needs to be able to accept it. I feel like all of these social games are just a puzzle where nothing is added or substracted and yet there is the right or at least better combinations.

Going for a walk outside is so incredibly beneficial for me, I can process so so much. This situation really got me thinking. The thing is, nobody is giving you love for free, the people who got good at socializing didnt get there for free either. I cant really expect to show up, offer nothing and then get love. If I do that then these kind of deals happen. -- Maybe But also things need to happen spontaniously. I just ne // I am noticing that I have a hard time writing this down as this is not a pattern I already thought through. From now on every time this happens I am making a note in red, as I think this is getting to the core. .. On the other hand when I tryhard I dont really get there either, I need to be authentic. Like I just need to wait for things to arise spontaneously. I was thinking that maybe social people are just always selling themselves but the other truth is kind of hard to ignore. Maybe there are moreso in a trance that both things are correct. I feel like I am hugging the wall of my imprisoned mind, cant see beyond it and my thinking is clouded.

I have got this Leopard print fanny pack and I cant stand it. I knew I would use it for festivals and clubs most of the times and I found it stylish but really I was just following the trend and it feels so cringe now.

I could recall some of my dreams last night. What was interesting that they were all about something else then me. They were about family members I tried to understand and connect better and projects I am interested in. Its very interesting that it was so noticable that it was all about something else then me, maybe I was too much in my ego the last days, but I really have no idea.

Yeah... said it somewhere on the forum. One or the main reason why he doesnt touch psychedelics anymore.

Yeah, well the psychedelics even caused brain damage in combination with the illnesses he had already. Maybe idk. It seems like a physical thing though but maybe you can be less attatched to your body. But thats so out there I would look for practical ways first. Of course its important.

What is interesting is that the club on thursday opened up some kind of energy which rushed through me and didnt stop. It got me into this other club and even today I still felt part of this rush. I think its because it is such a hyper leftist club. And deep down I really feel at home there, even though emotionally I havent yet arrived there. I just remembered how in my old theatre club I started to integrate more feminine parts of myself and how authentic that felt. I kind of put that on ice for a while after leaving the theatre club and being on my own. But with this club on thursday it seems that has awoken something in me again. I cant quite make it out but there is something really big there. Yeah there is something..

It was also pretty humbling to get into this club again and experience my limitations. I felt like I lost quite a lot of balls. I think I did zero approaches the whole night, just waiting to built my state which didnt happen. Not sure how I would have gotten if I did some any approaches.