Jannes

Its already in the afternoon, a guy wants to go to the gym with me in less then an hour and then I could maybe go to the theatre play afterwards, I need like a day of emotional recovery first though.

I am thinking hard again if I want to go to a play of my old theatre club today or not. It would be the last chance for a pretty big play. It feels like the right thing to do, but emotionally I am not sure if I am ready yet.

Yesterday was pretty overwhelming, its insane how much can be packed into such a small time window. Well at least it felt that way. It was the same with my old theatre club as well.

I am shocked even more by this today, wtf. It feels like I broke a deal. Well in a sense I did.

Also like half the club there has adhd appearently, its insane. No idea how all these people found together.

I said to myself over and over again, hard choices easy life, easy choices hard life. But conflict is so hard for me. and I am not saying 'I dont want to hurt anybody' , why? good question, I just noticed that I unconsciously banned myself from using that sentence.

I came a bit late to my social spot today which is a bummer, because its the best social spot I could think of. So much happened today, its hard to put it all together.. So the first and probably biggest thing was that I kind of built a connection with a girl which was at the other social spot as well and now is also at this social spot. She was kind of the best pick there and I wrote about it before. I saw her quite often, had a bit of small talk but was also kind of akward at some point. I didnt realize that beneath it all we kind of built something up, like a bit of a codependence, but it felt a bit forced. Suddenly I couldnt stand her. I remembered vaguely that a similiar dynamic like this occured before and it ended with the energy getting lower and lower. So I kind of wanted distance and I mixed things up, first I didnt directly talk to her, then I sat next to her, then I didnt sit next to her again. The last time was a clear signal, I had the choice, she was just chatting with somebody but it wasnt much of a reason not to sit next to her, or would I sit next to another friend of mine. I sat next to a friend of mine and that dumbass just doze away, making it super obvious. At this point she left, it could have been me or not. This felt emotionally very strong. A lot of fear and what the f am I doing came up. I just willingly threw that opportunity away to choose a more confident and authentic part, but could I even pull that off.. maybe I could have choosen a more subtle way and so on. All this rained down on me but I noticed how I became more confident at some point. But initially it felt a bit weakening as its not like other people play with the same moral compass. We are all crocs fighting each other. "You didnt kill? - okay that makes you weaker, I will eat you next!" I also just fell bad for her, what a not nice thing to do from me. But it was true, better this way now then another way. But I had a rough time myself digesting it, that this is about survival was very obvious. ____ Then later a friend of mine came around who I had the number from. She didnt reply so the vibe was a bit off. She told me about it and apologized that she didnt reply. She said that she didnt know what she wanted which she told me before but that it wasnt cool of her that she didnt reply at all and so on. She has a lot of male friends which feels not so cool. We had a very interesting dynamic though, whenever I was in the final she often showed emotional donation to me with strong eye contact. First I thought nothing of it and just enjoyed it. Then I thought, well maybe because she is so extroverted, she may find me interesting when I am in a position with high social status and was kind of put of by it but then another situation came about where I had a good connection with another girl and in this moment she gave me the exact same signs. So I thought maybe she just had a social insight that it is about celebrating each others wins and not being jealous which would fit into the poly context where its often about supporting each others growth. We also had an interesting moment where a guy was dozing off a bit, its more situation comedy but only accessed with subtle awareness. And I cherished that and she burst out laughing. So we may have a bit of a connection there. All in all it was a also a bit difficult though because I didnt know what our situation really was. ____ At some point a girl talked to me who painted there before. It was a nice talk, she was good looking as well. I think she kind of observed the whole dynamic. When the club closed she asked me if I have social media and when I replied that I dont she asked me for my number. I gave her my number and was kind of overtaxed, not knowing what the next step would be. As people step by step left the club I wondered if I should do any small talk, give her a hug, .. whatever but I couldnt come up with anything. Then a friend of mine was just there with his cigarette thing so I asked him if he wants to go outside so I had any excuse to go outside and as soon as he did I said goodbye to the club and her explicitly as well. Acceptable. From that point of complete pampering if I am honest I thought about the situation of my old theatre club in a new light and really, a person who wasnt super hurt wouldnt leave the way I did. And I thought if it was really the club or my past demons.. Interestingly I got a lot more into a social mood then ever before I think and I feel I am nowhere near where I could be. There are more details to cover I think but thats the most important.

The end of this clip really brings my bias for normality, limit and what not alive.. When the time is set back from before humans roamed the earth and the earth was just part of this galactic spectical it turns my my stomach around that the universe has no human bias.

Crazy that I wasnt aware of that, I went there for pick up frequently and obviously everyone did drugs all the time but I didnt know you could get the drugs easily. I wonder if its safer then ordering online in terms of tracking, then it would be a small benefit. Psylocibin truffles and lsd derivatives are easy to get online in germany anyway. I wonder if you get things like 5meo-malt from them -- IS THIS AGAIN FORUM GUIDELINES THEN PLEASE DELETE (No sourcing allowed) !?

I feel kind of empty. I was socializing like 4 hours yesterday. Didnt get much sleep, went to the doctor and then was out again shopping. Not enough time for myself. But it makes me wonder what really fullfills me. Self optimizations aint it. I think I really want some kind of relationship. Thats just natural for me. Everyone has differents strenghts and I feel like I am just the type of guy who is great in a relationship.

I miss my 5XL Jeans which I was wearing with a belt some time ago. I was super overdoing it for fun but wearing that thing was so cool, you had so much air at the legs, the pockets were super deep and like open because the jeans didnt squeeze on your body. I put it away because it was getting ridiculous but now I want it back.

After my visit at the psychologist for the adhd diagnosis I went for a walk in that area. I wrote for my diary and then I found a kik which is a super cheap clothing shop. I was there for like 3 hours, making all kind of experiments and bought two beige trousers for 23 Euros in total. This is ridiculiously cheap and obviously involves cheap labor somewhere in the chain. The experiments I made were very interesting though. It seems green trousers dont match with my style. I overrated beige in my mind, its still okay though. Dark Jeans look very good which I didnt really want to accept, because they look conformist as heck. Interestingly I was already on the right track with my black Jeans, I just need more colorful shoes and tops so it becomes more interesting. And a black Jeans with a bit more pop maybe.. , well I already got a womens baggy Jeans, so I was really searching. Next step would be tailor made clothes.

Socializing went well yesterday at my social spot. It's interesting to me right now that I even mention it explicitly like a routine, that I wasn't full of fear or that awkward things happened. Which just shows how far I have come. And a deeper sense of confidence is slowly built up I notice. I thought that I would get my diagnosis today but I will only get it next week. No iq test as well, so I dont even need to face my fears it seems. ---- My feelings about my old club really work through me. I am swinging back and forth. I mean you break up with someone best by leaving for good and by breaking up all contact. It's kind of the same with the old club, I know if I go there, chat with a few people, maybe go out to someone I am emotionally involved in all of it again. I am scared of that overwhelming me. The decision to leave was already so hard and I feel so much better now. Haha I said in the adhd diagnosis test that I wouldn't be scared of overwhelm, but to a certain extend I am. Tomorrow and Saturday are the latest shows of a big play they have where the whole club is involved, so it would be the perfect chance but also another sign of myself if I don't go. ---- I had two people yesterday telling me quite personal stories. Both of them shared personal things with me before though and it's not like I am the only one who knows this. I also got like two opportunities for socializing yesterday. It's all a little much actually. ... I don't even really know what I want in a social context! It's obvious that I am really really selective. A variable about how I feel about socializing is also my development. If I feel like an outsider inside with little confidence socializing feels very different then when I am confident.. I didn't had a good connection with my ex F+, but I really enjoyed the dynamic of just having one or a few people to stay in touch with. Yeah that's what it is I think, a few people I really flourish around.. ---- I just don't think that with everything I said things will fundamentally be different in my old club.. maybe.

Wow, I didnt know. Only LSD or other psychedelics as well? Did he say the street the store was in?

@theleelajoker Your body builts up tolerance. It depends on the dose but I usually took two weeks off after a trip. The higher the dose the longer you have to wait to trip again. For microdosing you need at least 1 day of recovery. When I did it every second day I noticed that the effects became weaker so maybe 2 days of recovery would be optimal.

Maybe I should just start my day with body doubling. As always I got something done with body doubling.

There is a bit of a weird connection with one girl of the old club going on. I got little signs of interest which turned into signs of letting go. There is a huge emotional backstory and so with that good reason for why I feel conflicted about it. But this just made me so emotional today and I thought I was over it. There are just different levels of emotions, today I stood at my own wall in the room to listen to music.. I dont even understand whats going on. Thats one part of my old club, completly uncapable to process these strong emotions and finding no one to help and emotionally bleeding out.

Thank you for putting in the work.

@Schizophonia Its emotional territory for him. He said he wasnt ready to talk about what happened to him maybe a year or so ago and only recently revealed big parts of the story.

No I meant to quote the thread. Here he said it.

Said and done. Into a body doubling session now. Maybe I was just stalling in the face of progress. My old club also moved me emotionally so much so I guess there is a lot of processing going on as well.

Yeah it always left a bit of an aftertaste in me, the worlds richest men creating simple homes for the rest. But it honestly does give people a lot of freedom back. Its not luxury but everything a person needs.

Okay yeah thats true, science doesnt show evidence there. But for Leo it may be different because of the other health problems he has. He said that his health probems combined with heavy psychedelic use caused brain damage. Its possible that Leo confuses these things. He didnt say how he came to the conclusion that he has brain damage, if he literally got a brain scan from the doctor for example that would be hard evidence. I just think its unlikely that Leo would make such a simple error in judgement even with his brain maybe being his most emotional territory.

Today is kind of the day to get a lot of things done, so I overslept and got into Youtube addiction again. Put my blocker on youtube again and hopefully doing body doubling sessions next.

He wrote himself that he had brain damage, thats not something you say for no good reason WTF . ... I had this bias for psychedelics, that I desperately needed them to be healthy because they made my life worthwhile, experiencing god at some point etc. so in one discussion I just couldnt digest the truth that they may also cause some brain damage.. But its all a balance, psychedelics also increase your intelligence in other ways. When you trip once or twice a month on a moderate dose, give yourself time to integrate and recover then you will probably get most of the goods with relatively little bad stuff.