Jannes

You need above average genetics for that. I dont think I could reach these numbers, even if I committed my life to it.

RV - session went okay today. Actually had a couple of really good hits but also mostly misses. 52 mins. No notes .. WHAAT!? I had the idea of creating a simplified Metagame on Pokemon Showdown for Newbies from Level 1 to 3. It would entail most of the core mechanics but it would be vastly resuced in available Pokemon to like 20 maximum, types, movepool, items etc. so that you could get it relatively quickly as a newbie. But even with that you could integrate most of the core dynamics. And because it would be such an artificial format it could be designed with the compedetive intent and not be up to Gamefreaks random ideas. I blocked all Pokemon but can still do research on my Phone. This and my creativity and Game knowledge is enough to distract my mind a ton. I know if I would just play a little I would be an addict for the next couple of days. Repressing that was hard in the RV - session. I guess its because I do this dopamine fasting atm. Well I dont really care about dopamine fasting, I just dont want to get distracted/ unpurify my mind.

Just had an idea for a foursome. Two very emotionally intense and ungrounded people A&B (adhd folks for example) have sex with each other. Their sex is completly over the top intense because they can reach both reach incredible emotional and awareness peaks. But they are also very ungrounded and burn out relatively fast. So each of them has another person C&D that is really grounded but not as intense. C&D prolong the sex of A&B as they help to regulate their emotions and keep them from burning out. So A&B have amazing sex. C&D on the other hand also benefit from regulating the emotions of A&B because they co-experience the desire and emotional ups and downs of person A&B like watching an intense movie.

Anti feminism can have different faces. It can have the face of forced marriage or the face of an unconscientious pick up artist. In the first case its anti-relationship/ anti-marriage because its forced, in the second one its anti being used as a piece of meat. So it can be both. .. I feel like generally pre-feminism relationships are in a sense a lot simpler and feminism might pressure women towards trying themself out and not committing that easily, just as there is/ was much pressure on women to be successful in their career. Just a careful take on this matter.

I had many difficult RV - sessions, but this one felt like a different beast altogether. My mind is going insane, it feels impossible to calm down my mind for RV. Ideally you want to enter a no-thought zone, I did that often but right now it feels like a distant memory. At the second part I happened to just my background so I strong contrast of black and white was created instead of the usual soft contrast of light-wood with white. That seemed to increase my awareness quite a lot. There were two moments in which I felt relatively confident that I actually got the essence and not just an interpretation of my mind and I was super on point with those. My target was a waterwall and for movement I had "fall" and for color I had acryl and brightblue. I am really happy about that.

Now that I really blocked all my Youtube my mind is in panic mode looking for distraction. Its quite intense, a lot of emotions hit me. Especially in my stomach area.

When you are a beginner almost everything works. Whats argued about is whats closest to the perfect training strategy, as this is required to make gains after so many years of training.

It doesnt say much. To maintain muscle you only need to hit maintenance volume which is pretty low and thats what he hit with this program. Strength gains are to be expected and doesnt contradict high volume training which doesnt aim to make you as strong as possible. Powerlifter train short and intense, thats how you train your central nervous system. The body recomp result show he lost 5.5 pounds of fat and 1.8 pounds of muscle, thats okay I guess. That the dexa showed that he gained 0.5 pounds of muscle and lost 2.3 pounds of fat is really impressive. He himself said that this would be in the realm of error though. And it would also imply that the results from Day 1 to Day 30 were that he lost 2.3 pounds of muscle and 3.2 pounds of fat which is pretty horrible. Its also just a one case study. Jeff clearly has above average genetics for bodybuilding which means he has more fast twitch muscle fibers as they get bigger then slow twitch muscle fiber. Which also means he needs to train shorter and more intensely then the average person.

I finally turned youtube off for real this time. The block didnt work, I could still write down some title of a youtube video I know from memory and could find the youtube link and then watch into on the forum. I made a block on uBlacklist so this isnt possible anymore. I think I was kind of scared of doing that, my mind is already looking for other ways to get stimulated.

Gosh, my RV - session was a struggle today. 1:08 min, the longest sessio thus far. I feel very refreshed from the session interestingly though. Have a bunch of insights from the session again. The girl kind of saw me as an intellectual even though I dont study a lot. Its the same with some other people as well. there is this scene in the witcher series where the guys says better boring and safe to jennifer Pokemon creates a bunch of dualities like types: grass, fairy, fire, ... and then from these structures certain forms are victorious over others. Kind of like reality. I am really trying to understand RV. Not sure if other students do that, hearing from Leo and Wilber might give me an adge there. Maybe I can learn it faster. Maybe RV is just a mindless technique that gives ok results even if you dont get it, but when you get it, you might master it. Interestingly i didnt think about RV for money for all this times again.. until now argh

I have some feelings for the girl. It was the same with a girl in Berlin I made out with (no sex though). If you spent a lot of time in physical closeness emotions are about to happen. So even with a relatively small sample size I can nail this pattern down. So with the mariokart&chill girl it was maybe right to be cautious. I would have had feelings for her, even though I only wanted sex.

Interestingly though I had quite the artistic moment this morning which I translated into one insight for my insights journal at least. Maybe more would have come if I didnt take medication. Thats a potential pattern to look out for.

I am feeling quite a lot of unease. Maybe all the emotions from not taking medication for a day need to be dealt with in combination with the experience which needs to be processed. Thought about if I should do medication or tea today, but my emotions are so strong, I rather do medication and be safe.

On empathy If you truly increased your level of empathy to all the things around you it would tear you to shreds. Only a proportional amount of love would hold you together. Empathy is increased consciousness in a horizontal way. It doesnt transcend the current state. .. Is all the suffering in the world really proof that love doesnt exist, or is it proof that LOVE does exist, as how else would reality hold together? We take that reality holds together for granted which is the result of seeing reality as a mere cold and mechanical thing.

I am licking the wounds of my ego.

I am pretty bad/ unconfident in escalation so I think that was the main thing, I wanted more then I could swallow and that felt inauthentic and backfired. She even said she really enjoyed all the sensual touches. But thats just me being authentic and me fighting myself even. Well I didnt really see her as a potential gf though. I think different survival programs I dont have full conscious access to rival each other here. The fuckboy program is one I would like to test out, where I have sex with multiple people but dont commit to any of them, which is nerfed because I still want to make conscious choices with whom I want to sleep with but because of it I see the potential I could have. Whats the other program? .. time to sleep again.

That scene where the really cool dude jumped over a building, outaimed 3 opponents with his gun and then knocked out the final boss changed my life. Jk

Its not just physical death that he faces.. He witnessed the complete moral fabric being anihilated.

I feel like I am a piece of shit.

I needed a trigger warning for that. Its an epic scene though.

The RV - sesion went terrible. Didnt expect it to be good anyway. Some notes. This experience yesterday makes me question the picture I have of myself. I would like to be like Rittersporn in the Witcher, but I am way more Fuckboyish in reality. I am very lovely in a sense when its about choosing with whom I want to have sex and not but when I want it and not much more, I wont emotionally manipulate myself to sucess. Thats where I loose all the sweetness. I should maybe look for more actual connection then? I rushed it too much yesterday I think. There are 100 things which could play into it in the end. In a sense its really grounding though. Not sure what would have happened if I acted like this in my old theatre club. Maybe I would have had some connections, some misconnection and some people who would have just approached me platonically if I did that. But I would have expressed myself more and true things would have come from that. Well I had my reasons back then.

I wish I could have just slept through to tommorow but I just woke up after 4 hours. I am still so confused.. Would love to go to IKEA now for my emotional safe space but its almost midnight. .. I am just not grounded enough or have enough experience to understand what went wrong.

Last evening was very inventful and confusing. WTF So first I saw a female friend of mine who seemed to have relationship problems with her bf who is a better friend of mine. It points to me being the problem, as she flirted with me before and he noticed our friendly dynamic. Saw the wpmi-girl when I enterted the spot. I noticed she consciously acted like she didnt see me the first moment. I generally also didnt want to greet her so I ignored her when I entered the place. She quickly went outside. It created an interesting mix of emotions. Some guilt of maybe acting to harsh and some sense of loss. Interestingly other girls suddenly seemed to notice and read my facial expressions like toads that only come out when it raining. One girl almost seemed proud of me. When she entered back my emotions flipped though, from feeling a sense of loss to almost being annoyed by it. Simply I needed to perform in that moment. It didnt come to any interaction, eye contact or anything though. So with this I committed to change my strategy. I chatted up the mario-kart&chill girl and still didnt fully enter my new mode and almost instantly another guy tries to fight over the girl with me. Very professional and subtle that is. I want much of an opponent in my state. I noticed how I slowly transformed my state but I couldnt do it instantly. I could have just wrote her on WhatsApp, I had that free card, didnt need to put myself in a vulnerable position. And they seemed to be getting along well. At this point my internal state had flipped a bit. I saw another girl I was sympathetic with before. Some eye contact was enough and she sat next to me. It was on right from the getgo. I missed one obvious opportunity when we were playing kicker when she asked if we wanted to play another round and made an obvious intimate gesture towards NOT going for another round but I still went for it. Anyway at some point she said she wanted to go and I asked for her number. And added that we could meet maybe tommorrow to which she was a bit hesitant. We went outside and she chatted for a short while and then I dont know how that moment happened but we kissed and she said I could come to her place, but its an exception. At her place we chilled and snuggled and kissed a bit and got more and more intimate. There was such a confusing pattern though, when we were just about to get serious she made a total stop saying she doenst feel the vibe and wants to stop. Then she invites the next opportunity but stops right before it gets really serious again. At this point she was already completly naked and I only had my underwear on. I never got rejected right before the act, it was puzzling. Interestingly I somehow got back into state after a hit each time. I am just so confused though. At the morning she said that it was interesting meeting me but there wont be any chance for sex in the future. I felt so confused. I texted her right after it that its totally okay if chemistry doesnt match but if I did anything wrong or went to far I would be very sorry. She fastly replied that there is no problem whatsoever, she just wasnt in the mood and didnt feel good in the morning. I guess thats it, she wants to make her lays count. In both cases she stopped right before I went to lick her pussy which is always pretty uncomfortable for me so I might have converted some energy there. I feel a bit broken in my ego. And incompetent that I seemingly did not make her horny enough. A am pretty rusty in bed though and in comparison my ex-F+ was super sensitive so sex was easier with her in comparison. But its good that she was so confident. Its already next days afternoon. Need some food and then maybe some sleep.

I have to wonder though, before I blame it all on society, to which degree do I simply lack the confidence to take what I want. .. I am not feeling good, not sure what thats about, I literally cant really trace the source.