Jannes

Some teachers say that, others say that everyone can learn it, its just that some are much more gifted in it then others. Quite a parallel to what spiritual teachers say about reaching enlightenment haha.

I hadnt mentioned it, but at the moment when the leader of the club didnt bid a public farewell to me at the moment it was typical she gave me an eye and pulled back when I looked at her. I had difficult moments with her, but she does have a sense for fairness. People are multi faceted, in some facets I hold her in high regards. Anyways the scenario in my head is that she mentioned that at the weekly head meeting of the theatre club and to shut her down the leader of the club revealed critics I had about her but wanted to keep personal secret. Thats the one scenario where I would want to contact her. But its likely just a fantasy my ego mind spun up.

I saw one of the girls of my old theatre club today. I had quite a lot of contact with her and backstory. She looked so fucking weird -- really tense. She was really sweaty coming from the beach probably and just passed by me without looking at me. She must have noticed me.. This created a firework of possible explanations and I have quite a few far reaching ones collected today all being connected to myself.

The vibe reminds me a bit of this.

I still waste no thought about my career other then remote viewing. Well, its also semester break and socializing is at the forefront which plays into it as well. But still.. I really need this variable figured out, either I built my whole life around remote viewing as a career or I drop it, if it doesnt work.

Notes: I am internally so confused, it's really hard for me to get back to my core. I am literally on my own at the beach walking over stones (direct input) and I am still significantly disconnected from myself. I built up all these stories about my old theatre club which collided with reality. I definitely over-demonized my old theatre club. But certain things are just a given there like pretending above being grounded. And a lot of shit happened, although shit happens everywhere. There were multiple situations which could have gave me access to the club though. I was thinking the whole time how to get into a strong position again, really telling the leader of the club my position again but I am now feeling like letting it go. I can just leave now in peace. ... I feel like I am getting a bit more in touch with me now. Walking at a stony beach with music really is a brute force way to get in touch with oneself haha. Even went swimming naked. I feel so sexy swimming naked. I want to make a picture with me in a red tanga in the beach looking at the skies at night. That would be a piece of art, presenting a certain feeling of life. ... There are these humanoids-robots which can cook now. Just thought about how they could serve street food which is kind of scray. What if you put them in a moveable kitchen and place that somewhere to serve fresh food kind of like automats.. I kind of have this tendency to attract annoying people. There are quite a lot of social people who are just super annoying so nobody wants to spent to much time with them so they always look for new people they spent some time with for a while until they are wanted there anymore. Or it seems that way because all people annoy me to a certain extend. I often end up with these people because I dont judge and dont take a strong social position. I am looking for something very specific I think. Until then my social spot is great because I socialize but I am not bound to anyone which gives me the best chance to come accross the right kind of person. ... Many problems also stem from the fact that some people in the old theatre club sometimes did try to get a little closer but because I can't experience closeness I didn't take these chances. However this doesnt justify the shit I took, I would have had a much better fighting chance though, well pretty much a guarentee at winning or avoidance of conflict all together probably.

My old theatre club was so much more then just a place to be, it was a whole strategy set for life, socializing etc. I notice how my behaviour seems to adapt a bit as well, like I am so much less grounded, much more pretentious.

What I am most annoyed about was that I still payed for entry afterwards and acted like nothing happened, as if I didnt just get kicked from the club without a public goodbye. I am able to confront, but not when I feel like I am in such a weak position.

I have to remember though that I dont need the old theatre club anymore for socializing. The group of my social group fits more into my age, is more mature, has more options for girls ... its really just the acting part.

Went to the gym and managed to feel so much heat which was inside me. Its such a tricky situation, I won some things and also lost some things with going back to the theatre club for a visit, no wonder I was hesitant. ... I am looking at careers from people who went to the theatre club now. Quite a few are working as actors now. If this would be a great path for me idk, productions were certainly fun, but I might have ended constantly bullshitting and confused. Its likely to late for me now. I am a bit jealous even though I dont even know if the path is desirable.

Today was such a typical adhd day like before I figured out techniques.. I wanted to get some things done but then was distracted with philosophizing over fashion and thinking about my old club. I wanted to do things but started doing 3 things at the same time, finishing none. Now I feel like going to the gym for movement and the feeling of doing anything. No worries, there was a lot to process today. And next time I do body doubling.

I am gnawing with the thought that I could have had all the benefits of the club and could have become an actor if I just played along one time. I put everything in and basically got nothing out of it. Well my soul is intact..

And some outfits are just out of this world .. https://de.pinterest.com/pin/1094234040707565500/

So as a minimalist its impossible to have great style. Minimalism is antithetical to great style, because it takes away diversity. Yet, the more diversity you have the harder it will be to strike a balance.

The key to great style is balancing diversity! Every outfit which is too one sided looks boring. Think about your whole suit or your jogger with baggy sweater, ... There are clothes which in itself are already kind of balanced. Like a black Jeans, or a swaeter with a collar .. you can archieve balance that way but the diversity in this outfit is pretty low. If you can combine your colorful grandmas sweater with a leather jacket, that is a prime example of great style. The more different tastes you can sucessfully balance, the greater the style. Differents taste include colors, vibes, materials, .. Another facet is that of course it also matters where your wear your outfit. At a night late social club some outfits fit better then on a professional set. And it also matters how you look like, what your skin color and your eye color is. And it also matters who you are as a person. These are already given things which need to be balanced around.

!!! yeah that got me thinking as well. He did get some things wrong though, at least the point about that the CDU isnt a democrazy for leading germany with only 28% of votes. The system works differently in Germany, smaller parties come together to built a coalition which reaches 50%. If anything, the far right party is deliberately kicked out from other politicians.

Atm: 1) Writing my journal in the journals section. 2) Reading some smart stuff here sometimes 3) Connecting with other people who are on an unusual path with unusual values

An old friend of mine contacted me completly out of the blue. Maybe it seemed deperate that I went back to my old theatre club and that spread somehow!? It was kind of badass to just leave without a word -- DONT TAKE MY BADASSNESS AWAY, NOOO!! I am really looking for signs everywhere that this was a bad move. I think it was the mature thing though.

With introversion and extroversion its interesting. I feel like I actually made a bit of a leap, I was with so many people the last couple of days that a switch changed. I feel more comfortable being extroverted and socializing right now and I feel like I could even get energy from that.

I am going back and forth internally with my old theatre club. Its just such an emotionally charged cocktail. I am getting a bit calmer though finally.

A beautiful thing about life can be to find something that is right for a few years, months, weeks, hours, forgetting about the bigger context. And when that thing comes to an end beginning a completly new path which you couldnt have inticipated before. This is dreaming well. I like my social spots atm, no idea where this is going but it feels like the right thing at the moment.

I just want it right again, meaning I want to get back into my more powerful position. Maybe if I throw I stone at their window I will be at peace again lolz.

Now I am feeling bad that I went. Like really bad. I stood up for myself, it felt good and now I softened up and got shit for it. Well I am not forced to connect to the old theatre club anymore then this and if I didnt go, I never would have known what its like to get back.

So I fucking went back.. It was great that I had this workout session before as it got me into a social mood and all that. I got there with a bike and with no registration, so I made a surprise. I made multiple breaks along the way though, switches between impulses of strong negative emotions who wanted to protect me and impulses of strong positive emotions as well. The closer I got the stronger the negative emotions became in particular. At the last break I came to the insight that if I dont go, I will never know how it feels like to come back. For the experiment! So I got there and interistingly the leader of the club was the first person I saw. He was a bit surprised but warm and welcoming. I took my seat. I moved very calm and slow. The show had a few funny moments, as usual. A LOT came up. I really felt out of place for most of the play, like I just wanted to vanish and it felt like a mistake. Even though it was a childs play, the end got super serious all of the sudden and really deep. So that took me by surprise and captured me. At the end there was the usual speech, followed with honoring a few people in the play who did some special. Usually this is also the opportunity to tell the audience when a member of the club left if that person is there. I didnt get that. I spoke to the member who are part of the play. They were all very surprised but super nice and welcoming to me as if nothing ever happened. Super wholesome. Only one person I kind of had mixed feelings about was there. One person I particularily had good feelings about was a bit more distant. I payed for the play which was donation based. I think the leader of the club didnt expect anything and just made the remark "cute". It was a big elephant in the room that he didnt mention me or made me honorary member (which I would have qualified for). When I rode my bike home I felt like I reconnected to a part of my soul. I got so so tired all of the sudden though, like there is so much to process. I got super screwed over, but I dont have the energy to process this right now. Its super interesting though that there is processing happening in the background at all though. Like WHAT?! There is THIS which I am aware of and yet my current experience is somehow managed by some deeper force which I am not conscious of, WHAT THE HELL!! I dont know if it was a good choice or not, I think it was.