Jannes

i NEEDED to get back into body doubling work today. I noticed how I was avoiding it, how I was avoiding change, slacked off, numbing myself. I became very emotional a few moments ago for some reason. On adhd medication I always very easily become sick, now that I am productive without the medication I also feel like I could more easily become sick. Just that it makes you more productive means that your system is stressed more.

Nothing works today, I couldnt pay for Flow Club or anything else and I cant get on body doubling Discord server because Discord doesnt sent me a SMS for some reason. So I do some recorded body doubling, surprisingly it works.

When I was productive the day before I feel more awake after sleep as when I dont. Not sure what it is but it is probably my mind naturally getting back to work instead of resting. I wondered why I have such little control in trips, and thats partly because I dont control most of my daily life as well. When I do the body doubling sessions though I can work and I take that mentality with me throughout the day. I took a few days break now. Not sure if its an ego backlash as I do need to make quite a lot of important decisions right now so I might need that time to process. But I want to get into the habit again. My beginner trial on FlowClub ended so I need to pay my first 20 dollars for the first month. Long term I am looking for a free version, but this doesnt feel like the time when I want to switch as I want to make it a habit -- although thats what I wanted to say yesterday, but idk I feel adventurous today, will see.

I have only ever done shaven and stubbles with my beard and I think light stubbles suit me well. I would like to test a light version of the balboo. https://hairstylecamp.com/balbo-beard-styles/

I wonder if my biggest strengh and weakness is empathy.

'Who am I' inquiry https://www.actualized.org/insights/nisagardatta-on-self-inquiry I did quite some "Who am I" inquiry for a week or more like 3 years ago. All in all I experienced one beautiful glimpse (not an awakening) and some early serious signs that this was working. I was at a train station and saw a guy who looked similar to me maybe 15 meter away walking along and for a moment it felt like I was walking there. That shocked me for a moment and I needed to remind myself that, "I am standing here, he is standing over there, I move my feet, he moves his feet." After this experience many other instances followed where I felt like I was another person who looked similiar to me. I bet thats just the beginning, when I deconstruct even more, then I might identify with other people and objects in the same way. Thats how serious deconstructing your ego self is, it radically transforms your experience of reality. So that was fascinating. As I just reminded myself of this exercise again and just asked my mind the question "Who am I" just once, it felt like I triggered some trauma. And I remembered the picture of how my mind tried to defend itself back then. It presented an idealized version of myself and asked me "Why do you want to kill me, I am so beautiful." Like this anime girl. This was crazy stuff.

@Davino But from what I have heard, sober mystical experiences can alter your baseline state of consciousness. Basically what happened to Frank Yang, he doesn't do a lot of meditation exercises anymore. So in this sense if you get this vertical peak it will effect your horizontel development as well.

I had a good social opportunity which I missed today. I was so tired the last couple of days, probably because of all the inner processes.

I texted the leader of the club back more then a week ago.. I was silent for about a month after leaving the club because my survival situation changed so much, I wasnt clear anymore what was true. Hasnt wrote me back yet.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/a-toothy-couch Had a philosophical conversation with a picture of old Johnny Depp yesterday. He gave me many deep insights about life.

And I couldnt really be spiritual because my survival situation was a mess. Already said that but I rememberd this just again and it felt striking.

Relative beauty in styles Styles only look good relative to a certain environement and outside of that environement they are the exact thing that gives rise to beautiful outfits. If you live and breath in a professional career for example, wanting to be influencal, making lots of money, being a winner, suits can look great and a tie with the right pattern might be like the greatest thing ever for you. When you are a rebellious teenager hating on authority, doing drugs, getting lost, living for the thrill, this exact thing can look horrible. A jeans with some holes into it is like the best thing ever. Or maybe you like to be a minimalist and all that seems like distraction to you, the quiet of simplifying your life gives you a deep sense of inner piece and grounding, and an all black'n white outfit is the greates thing ever for you. Or you are more of an artist and you live in your creativity and expression. You value art, beauty and authenticity everywhere and for you an individual complex layered, rugged look is the ultimate thing. Or you are a practical sports person. For you there is joy in life when you get work done which helps to move the world in a positive direction. So you like to wear workers trousers with a sweat absorbing sports shirt. Ultimately all these are relative dreams, not capturing the whole of the reality. I wanted to wear something spiritual but you cant wear anything spiritual, reality can only be contextualized as spiritual so then every appearence, every outfit becomes spiritual.. Or maybe one can point towards it, I am not sure. Point is in most cases you need to dream to find these things beautiful. You can fall into all the dreams I mentioned and from there certain things will appear beautiful and stylish. That the beauty is seen requires you to dream.

But with my LP, I also realized that I need some kind of grounding outside of it. Like I am not sure if I would be happy working on spirituality and creative endavours my whole day, I need some structure as well. So this is where these social jobs might be great.

I was in university today and right now I am putting all my data from iCloud to Google Drive and so there is a bunch of background work on my Laptop and because my laptop is so slow it takes a lot of time. In university the internet is very fast though so I saw all of the items one by one getting uploaded. That was so satisfying to watch, as an adhd person who struggles his whole life with not wanting to get the things done that he wants.

This is a good free alternative and it can be started fast without much loading. https://somafm.com/player24/station/groovesalad

I think everything I wrote so far made a ton of sense. I am highly creative and emotional but also spiritual so I dont just want to give people ice cream to get over their problems I want to give them something spiritual. Some parts in the thread were about thinking how you could create spiritual content. Like maybe you can create things which are just so beautiful like Apple Products, or style that this can remind you of spirituality indirectly.

I recently read through some school letters from my myself in first or second grade. I seemed to like drawing and was always highly creative. Still one of my most beautiful memories was when I was in my room fully emersed in my own creativity. Thats what I like about acting probably so much, this expression actually comes from high creativity and Fi. Just that it destabilizes my mind a bit.

So when I decide to switch degrees from teaching to philosophy (and education) bachelor as an intermedium degree I might loose some options. A philosophy and education degree isnt worth a whole lot.

One of the great things about teaching was that you could do it part time and then focus on spirituality when out of school. Not sure if other social jobs allow for that to the same extend. The other thing is that I think about practical technical jobs more as those dont distract me from spirituality. This wouldnt be a pro teaching argument though. But with add I have a motivation problem as well, so I would probably be pretty bad at technical jobs because none of them really interest me I think. So social jobs might still be my best bet. But honestly I have a hard time imagining which social job in particular I would find interesting, but I am so interested in human psychology there will likely be some. As an INFP I have Fi , which is introverted feeling as my primary mode of operating so I probably feel good in many social job areas.

This is probably the weird thing for my mind. Atm its not just about practically getting things done as I seem capable of that now, but dreaming about what future I want to have. I did the latter by default to the point that it distracted me, now I have to consciously allow that.

Watched these today. Its interesting how being out in the wild can change your personality. The first one was acting and being funny weird at some points. Societal pressure makes you normal in some ways, so when that pressure is off mixed in with thrill from adventuring you are free to be more weird and wild. I also really liked the dramatic scene where he was just about to shoot the pig but then decided to not shoot it as he saw it was a mother pig even though he was hungry.

I didnt sent any message today anymore. I just dont think I am authentically interested. It is how it is. Or maybe I am but this was not the way so far.

Maybe I am still processing that I am actually in a position to change my life right now. I am also not sure how I want to go about my dating life. Having balls and talking to lots of girls is great and I want to keep that up but what about sex and relationships. I want to keep things conscious, so open book game only. But how do I find opportunities for it, do I actually (NOT in theory) want them? As an INFP this can be a trap, as INFP types love the idea of human connection but not really the reality. Just heard that as a phrase but it hits home. Well there are definitely quite a few situations where casual sex was on the table and I was in for it or where romance was on the table and I was in for it. Its just important for me to stay grounded in what I want. And be content with myself so I dont look for others to fill a void like when I was emotionally unstable. Basic stuff, but an important insight when you have it yourself and not just read about it.

I listen to Apple Music Radio sometimes and then Chill Music. Sometimes its great, oftentimes it sucks though, so I have to find another radio for that.

Havent done a lot today. Felt mostly confused with no direction. Some of the shame and unconfidence came up because I am not in touch with what I want in life, as I work in no direction. Maybe this is a good time to meditate and get my unconscious processing. This freaking song also did some damage, I listened to it I dont know how many times by now. It doesnt have a lot of earwig potential, not that I like it really anymore but somehow there is always still some dopamine to squeeze out of. Note: I also did some radio for this exact reason, most songs arent as stimulative as they arent super my type and when one is super my type it goes by. I am thinking how I can explain and articulate how a song I can have on repeat is bad and distracting.. -- Well, the first time you get a big dopamine spike and you listen to the song again and again wanting the same spike but each time it is lower so you get just a bit of dopamine mixed in with quite a lot of suffering actually which is quite interesting. edit: removed the song