Jannes

I just had an endurcance fight with eBay over 70 Euros they have to pay me back. This made me feel alive how I stood up for what I deserved.

I feel guilty or ashamed for some reason right now and want to compensate for it.

'The edge of your consciousness' Found this in the first manga of Blame and it triggered an interesting idea. This serves as an analogy to the 'edge of your consciousness'. Basically everything that is still visible is within your field of consciousness and everything outside of it is not. Similiar to the analogy of consiousness like a lightbulb in the dark. What I find really fascinating is understanding the edge and making a difference between the edge and not the edge. Describing it phenomenological. What is happening when we go to the edge or come back 'home' ? For me it feels like expansion and contraction. And how well do these analogies come to describing consciousness actually, as these analogies kind of suggests consciousness as a field of something, but is that really so?

Nevermind it doesnt seem to have a body doubling section.

Went back to FlowClub body doubling today. The body doubling videos went so well, I didnt even know if FlowClub would be as strong but it went really well. And the introduction at the beginning and the talk at the end kind of brings you into a social state which is great. I also managed to join the adhd discord server finally, for confirmation this time they sent me a whatsapp instead of an sms which worked. On the server 2k people are online. Seems promising.

The reason why I like acting so much might not actually stem for acting being something super special but rather that it is one creative outlet that works for my brain chemistry. When I am there, in the moment with other people, this is kind of an integrated body doubling. So maybe when I just do some more drawing and stuff WITH body doubling, I might enjoy it just as much or even more.

Midday naps regularely randomly bring me in touch with higher consciousness states, unlike regular dreams. Not sure why that is, but I just experienced it again.

When I dont have a path towards where I am going, this is scary. I dont really know what to do, I plan as I go. I probably start my new free trial for Flow Club and go from there.

There are two exams I really wanted to do this semester but with the goal of getting my teachers degree. I quit both of them right now, so this is the first commitment into changing my degree.

Feel like distracting myself, not sure why.

I like my new beige shorts. I am still not sure about the pockets at the front but they seem alright. I bit modern. I have worn beige before, not sure why I took a break. Well maybe because it looks so normie like, like you are super integrated into society, and 'lost in maya' -- is an illusion in and of itself. There is nothing spiritual about wearing loose white shirts either.

Many people told me that I would be the worst teacher ever because of these reasons. Its true -- but when I do something for other people I tend to have enough brain power to organize way more. And some of my actual teachers told me they could see me as a teacher. Still its probably for the better that I quit, there are likely way better career options for me.

Last week I forgot to sign off an exam and because I failed that exam a few times I feared that I would be blocked from studying so I needed a doctor's note. So yesterday I went and forgot my healthcare card, so they couldnt do it and they told me to go earlier next day. Today I went again, forgot what she said and misread the opening hours (I thought I have an hour more but came 5min before closing) and forgot my healthcare card again!! In moments like these I really think I am retarded. This feels as basic as taking a step and I am incapable of it. But this is something I experienced over and over again in my life because of ad(h)d. And that does hurt your confidence quite a bit. I hope I can salvage this on monday and/ or have an attempt left.

I made a thread once about "if open relationships can deepen relationships". I have never gotten so many views, it was absurd. Human nature puts great value into sex.

I could have fallen asleep at the adhd self help group session today, I was so tired. But I took a bit of a break from the sessions so what was interesting to see were little tics in peoples behaviour which I had myself. Most of the talk there is unimportant nonsense with a few diamonds.

I am really on the edge of what I want and can take in right now. Thats quite an interesting state to describe phenomenologically.

It puts my LP again into question. Maybe I am looking for (spiritual) healing, because of the place of hurt. Well I think I already considered that multiple times, but now that I come in contact with the wound much more closely it might have a different impact because its not conceptual now, its direct and felt.

In retrospect I dont know what I write will be important for me later and it would actually give my mind ways to filter out the most important stuff if I gave myself the task to just write down 'important stuff'. So I just write everything down that seems to trigger or move me.

I had another informational talk today and something interesting happened. Well, the talk went well and I got all my questions answered, but then I kind of got self aware and I noticed that socializing is happening and I kind of didn't had it in me. Like in a very subbtle way which was easy to miss, I was looking for approval/ acceptance from a place of trauma. We just finished the conversation like normal and sayed bye and when she said bye it had a bit of a cut off sound to it, there wasnt much warmth at all. I wanted to distract myself immediately and could have easily overlooked that detail and moved on, but I decided to face this painful detail and looked at the source of where this feeling of unacceptance came from. I am not sure, but I feel like it is something that I felt all my life. And analogously to I realized that by being socially accepted I dont need my adhd coping strategies, if I heal from that inner pain I probably dont have to think about all these social games and gymnastics, it could work just organically. I also barely became aware of, I dont know how to call it, maybe the manifestation of destructive interlanized trauma, that my mind sometimes plays with this feverish dream of sincerely building a connection with all good intent and in the sweetest moment brutally destroying it for no reason. _______________ Well I was always pretty sensitive and conscious, that very likely led me to be an easy victim for bullying, so I thought something was wrong with me my whole life and that people would led me down (which they often did). It is confusing for me how I can often be so likeable if I just put a bit into it, but maybe thats what I have to realize, that I was always perfectly okay, more then okay and then maybe building connection can happen easier. Maybe thats why I scan people so crazily for authenticity, because being led down would retrigger and hurt me too much to handle.

Bought a beige shorts today which I really like. Its kind of like a sport shorts material wise, so great for summer, but it also has some details to it in pockets, so its a versatile shorts I can wear pretty much everywere casual. I am really picky when it comes to clothes, but when I find something I often wear it straight for a whole year. My whole outfit is very minimalistic and I like to keep that in a sense of not wanting to worry about combination of clothes but I want to expand the colors I wear so I look for some colors which can be combined with every other color. Beige is one of them next to black, white-ish, certain blue colors and certain green colors. I dont think I want to wear other colors anyway and they all work well together. I am also looking for a nice white-ish shirt. I think I want to go off-white, as my skin is pretty bright. If the shirt is a little thicker it gives a better look but it might be a little warmer in summer, but maybe a little more breathable because the sleeves stay in shape and dont lay on the skin as much.

If I built a friendship, it has to come naturally. I think I am on the right track just being outside with no one in particular but just big groups of people I know, as I dont get bored with anyone but still built my state up. And maybe from that place something cool will happen.

Uuuh and I remember, I also did doby boudling over video and not over FlowClub. Yeah it were probably just the acccumulation or lack thereof of little details. Btw. I would probably be much more confident if I got one thing that built me up, like a good friendship or something.. Btw. I have got another 7 day free trial for FlowClub which I will probably start tomorrow.

'GO AWAY FEAR AND AKWARDNESS, I DONT WANT YOU AROUND'

But this made me realize that some of the social 'ticks' I have which I explain away with adhd might actually be caused from low self esteem/ confidence. That the low self esteem/ confidence might be caused indirectly by adhd on the other hand. This is tricky.

At my social spot I wasnt confident at all today, even a little akward. I mean I did have a better baseline then months ago but it was still not very good today. I asked myself the whole time what the f hapened. I had a short conversation I wrote about earlier today, a bit of a nap, listened to Leos video and went to my social spot. It might have been that I didnt socialize that much the last couple of days, I did a bit on monday, but not much on the weekend so maybe my tank wasnt that full. Only pretty much at the very end did I somewhat get into a social state. It could also be that I didnt chat with this one contact anymore, as that gave me a bit of socializing every day. Or maybe it was about my self image, that I put pressure on myself. The whole thing today was also a friendly tournament but I primarely focused on the game and not on socializing, maybe that made the biggest difference. It just shows.. -- if you really work hard on something and are proud to make progress on it and then suddenly loose it with no clear explanation.. this feels shit, like only decently shit because transcended caring as a spiritual person a great deal but still. I think its just a combination of many factors, no real reason to panick. I also could definitely solve many issues if I just had friends around I regularely kept in touch in. I like being on my own though, I have to find people I actually want to hang out with.