Jannes

Anyway to break that fear, I was in a mix of of a bit of fear and procastination and new confidence. I got the idea of going out to clubs more and gathered some really creative unholy ideas.

I am holding back a little from posting everything because I am somehow paranoid that people I know will read what I write here. I mean in the end there is nothing I write here that makes me guilty of anything but still.

Wanted to research the ghossip with Jeff Bezos hacked smartphone and found this photo of him online. I love this trousers -- didnt expect I would find fashion inspiritation from Jeff Bezos. I have to get a baggy trousers though, I am not that buff. I am a bit into fashion right now which obviously stems from socializing more.

I just had a dream about my mid school bully. After high school I had those very frequently as I grounded myself more and more I became more powerful around him, but for years now they completly stopped until today. This time I defended another class mate from him and then overpowered another intimidating class in a bit of an bizarre trial of strengh. My only explanation would be that I sent a voice message to the leader of the club where I presented my position.

I have this gay trait that I cant stand it when other guys are unkempt. I cant take this.

The skin around your nuts is surprisingly sturdy, even with all the foldings I rarely cut myself back when I shaved it -- Although maybe not that surprising because biologically it protects your potential for reproduction so its a high priority. I dont shave nowadays anymore but I trim to 7mm or less. It makes a huge difference visually but it doesnt prick pretty much at all. So: I trimm my balls to 7mm or less, keep the hair on my inner leg and trimm my pubic area down to 0mm, but that is personal preference. This gives me an easy pretty clean look without any discomfort.

Listened to it again and now it sounds a bit colder again. I thought the whole day about why he messaged me now and not earlier. I think its a mix of feeling responsible and damage control. Having this in mind I feel more comfortable going for a talk with him.

I often had wet dreams of mystical states of consciousness even when I wasnt into this work. I depicted it as infinitely drowning in the peak of a musical play. Now I just had the thought that the peak does seem to raise my consciousness for a short moment.

Appearently that I spoke to this person of the club triggered the leader of the club to give me a voice message after a month of silence in which he said he wishes that I am doing well and would offer me a talk so that I have a farewell. When I first heard it, it sounded a bit cold and forced, listened to it a second time and it actually sounded pretty nice. Obviously I have to take this chance for my inner well-being but I am a bit scared. My mental health improved so drastically after speaking my truth and I am not saying I cant be self deceived, but I got bullshitted a ton, what if I get gaslight like this, I am very bad at confrontation as well. I think I am missing some bigger insight which could comfort me, like if he says bullshit I would be intelligent enough to eventually see through it anyway or something. Or maybe I am clinging to wanting a comforting truth.

The adhd test will be interesting. I dont think I will score too high and I think its likely I will get the combined type, not the purely inattentive type.

Socializing went very smoothly today, no akwardness at all. Even moments which are usually hard for me like sendoffs were managable. Its most just unconsciously how I think about myself. Much of the akwardness didnt come from lack of skill, but from lack of social self worth, or a conflict between how my unconscious saw me and how my conscious me wanted me to be.

I have been thinking half the day how I would reply to the text message of a person in the club. Its really absurd, it gives me a little taste back to emotional overwhelm and overthinking from months and years back. I think the reason why its so important is because I speak in behalf of my relationship to the whole club with this person.

I am terrified of deluding myself. What if I am like this? "I have said it before and I say it again, what that boy needs is a nice big c*ck up his ass!" No I am not gay but this whole delusion, of pretending to want something so much but when it is actually there running away from it. Its not really a fresh thought though, more an old one which came up because I texted a person of my old club, but the dynamic is still there.

Haha the mainstream understanding of philosopy. Yes primary insight aka direct experience is king because it is absolutely true. Secondary insights aka concepts about direct experience are always open for debate. I havent verified most of these claims in my direct experience yet but I just want to comment on these two: Well consciousness allows this to happen obviously. But it would be a limit on consciousness if it only allowed that to happen. You should also be careful with how you integrate these absolute truths, because we deal with relative truths in everyday life. Its good that we as a society dont allow rape, murder or other crimes to happen. Not sure what you mean by ego minds perception. All there exists are states of consciousness, if you think that all your experience is rendered by your ego, including mysical experiences, perhaps the experience of a cat, a tree an alien, 'free-love' , ... whatever then yes.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the message I just wrote or the implications it may have. Oh no. Its related to the club I left and it brinks up some old puke.

And one more. This one was very difficult, I need a break.

Second Focusmate session, here we go!

I still remmeber how I rode my bike from school in the summer and this suddenly hit me and I took a break, maybe I sat down idk. I remember I had a freaking discourse about it in my mind and how I even made a commitment. Intuitively I knew I bumbed into something enormous, something that would scare the shit out of me. And I questioned myself, is this something I want to pursue? - as this was some serious ass business, am I serious enough? , do I really want to know, being a soft snowflake is also possible. But I was serious enough to say that this will be something I pursue in the future and I was hoping it would come up again. So here we are..

I like my new powers plus perfectionists never get anything done.

FocusMate might even work better.

I just cant do any of these recorded body doubling sessions anymore without feeling like an incel. I am giving FocusMate a try. Its 1 on 1 which is a little scray, groups were a lot less scray. But interestlingly I grew a lot of online confidence. It was weird talking online at the beginning but it feels very natural right now. Anyway 1 on 1 might be different for my productivity then groups so its worthed for experimantation for sure. It will be 5 dollars a month but thats not a big deal.

There are too many choices I have to do right now. Decide if I want to go to the festival with this guy, decide if and who I want to write, decide how I should continue about remote viewing, decide if I write an email to finish a module for a seminar this semester, .. decide decide decide its a little much. I need the right kind of environement to work through this which is either outside or maybe in a body doubling session. I should also get the body doubling fixed as this is cruical for everything else I want to do.

This is so beautiful, not just the city itself but the intelligence that created it. And on a meta perspective also, you arent a complete slave to bad conditions, with the use of intelligence you can transform them into a thriving environement.

I have got mail from the remote viewing school. They answered my questions shortly but professionally. I even asked if their degree is important for finding potential clients and they said it isnt, only the skills matter. So they could have lost me as a client right there which points to them having not wanting to steal peoples money. I asked them how much they would pay for completing a remote viewing order and they said 50 euro with room for more and that they would sent orders as long as I am interested. If its 50 euros for a 45 min research that would be good money. In my experience it takes a high degree of concentration to do, so you cant do much more then 2 a day. .... My bias is that I want this to be true because I need money. So I have to be aware of my mind spinning up fantasies and rationalizations.

Haha, I am naturally not that agressive though which is why I in a sense its not as important for me to fully integrate that part, but that doesnt mean its not important at all.