Jannes

Socializing went very smoothly today, no akwardness at all. Even moments which are usually hard for me like sendoffs were managable. Its most just unconsciously how I think about myself. Much of the akwardness didnt come from lack of skill, but from lack of social self worth, or a conflict between how my unconscious saw me and how my conscious me wanted me to be.

I have been thinking half the day how I would reply to the text message of a person in the club. Its really absurd, it gives me a little taste back to emotional overwhelm and overthinking from months and years back. I think the reason why its so important is because I speak in behalf of my relationship to the whole club with this person.

I am terrified of deluding myself. What if I am like this? "I have said it before and I say it again, what that boy needs is a nice big c*ck up his ass!" No I am not gay but this whole delusion, of pretending to want something so much but when it is actually there running away from it. Its not really a fresh thought though, more an old one which came up because I texted a person of my old club, but the dynamic is still there.

Haha the mainstream understanding of philosopy. Yes primary insight aka direct experience is king because it is absolutely true. Secondary insights aka concepts about direct experience are always open for debate. I havent verified most of these claims in my direct experience yet but I just want to comment on these two: Well consciousness allows this to happen obviously. But it would be a limit on consciousness if it only allowed that to happen. You should also be careful with how you integrate these absolute truths, because we deal with relative truths in everyday life. Its good that we as a society dont allow rape, murder or other crimes to happen. Not sure what you mean by ego minds perception. All there exists are states of consciousness, if you think that all your experience is rendered by your ego, including mysical experiences, perhaps the experience of a cat, a tree an alien, 'free-love' , ... whatever then yes.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the message I just wrote or the implications it may have. Oh no. Its related to the club I left and it brinks up some old puke.

And one more. This one was very difficult, I need a break.

Second Focusmate session, here we go!

I still remmeber how I rode my bike from school in the summer and this suddenly hit me and I took a break, maybe I sat down idk. I remember I had a freaking discourse about it in my mind and how I even made a commitment. Intuitively I knew I bumbed into something enormous, something that would scare the shit out of me. And I questioned myself, is this something I want to pursue? - as this was some serious ass business, am I serious enough? , do I really want to know, being a soft snowflake is also possible. But I was serious enough to say that this will be something I pursue in the future and I was hoping it would come up again. So here we are..

I like my new powers plus perfectionists never get anything done.

FocusMate might even work better.

I just cant do any of these recorded body doubling sessions anymore without feeling like an incel. I am giving FocusMate a try. Its 1 on 1 which is a little scray, groups were a lot less scray. But interestlingly I grew a lot of online confidence. It was weird talking online at the beginning but it feels very natural right now. Anyway 1 on 1 might be different for my productivity then groups so its worthed for experimantation for sure. It will be 5 dollars a month but thats not a big deal.

There are too many choices I have to do right now. Decide if I want to go to the festival with this guy, decide if and who I want to write, decide how I should continue about remote viewing, decide if I write an email to finish a module for a seminar this semester, .. decide decide decide its a little much. I need the right kind of environement to work through this which is either outside or maybe in a body doubling session. I should also get the body doubling fixed as this is cruical for everything else I want to do.

This is so beautiful, not just the city itself but the intelligence that created it. And on a meta perspective also, you arent a complete slave to bad conditions, with the use of intelligence you can transform them into a thriving environement.

I have got mail from the remote viewing school. They answered my questions shortly but professionally. I even asked if their degree is important for finding potential clients and they said it isnt, only the skills matter. So they could have lost me as a client right there which points to them having not wanting to steal peoples money. I asked them how much they would pay for completing a remote viewing order and they said 50 euro with room for more and that they would sent orders as long as I am interested. If its 50 euros for a 45 min research that would be good money. In my experience it takes a high degree of concentration to do, so you cant do much more then 2 a day. .... My bias is that I want this to be true because I need money. So I have to be aware of my mind spinning up fantasies and rationalizations.

Haha, I am naturally not that agressive though which is why I in a sense its not as important for me to fully integrate that part, but that doesnt mean its not important at all.

So lots of inner things happened yesterday. I was in my impro group again and noticed how I felt kind of ackward because I isolated myself the days before but I rapidly regained grounds and I felt it. I was looking for an satisfying inner click which didnt happen but it wasnt necessary. I realized that I am often pretty reserved and often the people who do exactly the things which seem akward are the most confident. So through that desperation of wanting to shake off the akwardness and the ideal of how genuine confidence would function I went more out then usual. But because I spent lots of time alone I also had completly fresh batteries from human bullshit, so I could take that. We went eating afterwards as ususal and one of the people there who I appreciate talked about going to a festival for a few weeks which I asked him about and he said explicitly that he would like it if I also came. And that triggered something in me. Its not that I am usually not integrated but it seems like what I need is a very authentic signal, everything else doesnt really penetrate through my skin. But also the last couple of days I felt very content just on my own, constant contact and drama with other people isnt for me, so that was confusing, how I could be triggered, if I would actually be happy on my own. But I got a bit turned up afterwards. And it revealed how I often feel so much like an outsider usually. It was very revealing how my psyche kind of made the switch: This person accepts me, therefore people in general accept me. There are many people in my life which I am kind of close with and suddenly the idea spawned in my mind that I should maybe get in contact with them again or speak about some things that need to be cleared up. That this would have such a strong effect on my mind is nothing new to me, its scary that I have forgotten this. I want to locate that fu*king switch in my mind and make it autonomous. ... I think I already made my mind pretty autonomous and maybe this actually makes socializing harder because socializing is often co-relying on each other. But I also cant get to the next level of complete autonomy because I likely get less and less support. Not sure if complete autonomy is even possible and what that would mean.

"One thing led to another"

Yes Talking about these things seems like creating low risk opportunities to get to know you without much pressure. The first would probably work well, the second probably too if you keep it light (dont make it explicit that its a date).

And then the atom bomb was invented.

Also the trap is I think way bigger in spirituality then for example in tech. You want to create a new technology which saves the world, not that much can go wrong. You want to start a cult to share the truth and save the world, uh oh.

@Spiral Wizard I think with your intuitive open questions you seem to already understand that this was a nuanced take. I think its important to keep in mind how many people who 'tried to save the world' did incredible harm and how many people who just shared something they enjoyed or wanted to help just a little helped to improve the world in some way.

Club exists where you can literally have sex directly in the club. I wonder how this effects the chances.

It wasnt that stupid imo. Owen asked what the name of her favourite pet is and answering dog is so unexpectitly unoriginal that it opens up some 'adorable energy' is in the air and if you are in the right state of mind and sensitive enough you can use and cherish this opportunity. Owen did it in a way where he made fun of it, but not from above but also by making fun of himself.