Jannes

Notes yesterday before bed: Felt some "psi-energy" going into bed. Then saw interesting colors. A color plate of powerful colors with black around. Energetically charged in a way. Then some woo/magic sort of energy. Ravens, vodoo and this sort of vibe. Power but not in a nice way. While this was going on I processed the story about my old club and a story about a girl in the beginning in particular. And I felt powerful.

I feel like this triggers some inner discomfort in me. Not sure when I ever reached this level but it does seem rare.

We often try out all kind of things to fix something. Yet for some reason I never committed to a relationship.

All the social skills I want to have exist on a level I am not comfortable with -- where letting people close to me is normal and opening up sacred parts of myself as well. The key to getting more comfortably socially is by opening up and healing. Pick up is a strategy to avoid that inner process. I will articulate why another time..

The reason I am confused over socializing is because I grapple with an invisible force, my bad experiences in the past. ... Was my goal with pick up to defeat this shadow from the past .. ?

Maybe I could write a book mentioning all the things that cant be put into words.

Been really tired for the last two days. Just a lot of processing is happening I think.

Gosh, what a robotic voice.

Almost two weeks already. Need to keep that in check.

The picture of an awakened person is one of a person with opened eyes. I feel like this is a depiction for those who want the gooddies but dont want to do the practice.

A tat too fluffy for me. Although the music is great and I did reach a few high consciousness moments.

I thought about doing Youtube. There are a lot of topics I am passionate about, like minimalism, random ideas, etc. Also Pokemon a bit, that could be a start. Its weird though, I am kind of afraid of putting my authentic self into it.

Men did I have weird dreams today. First weird dream was that my dad made a bizarre car crash. For some reason he thought that crashing in a controlled way backwards is a good way to stop the car. Our whole car got surrounded with people who were interested to see whats going on. My dad usually drives extremely safely though, maybe thats why it was a bit bizarre. Then I was in my childs bed and some random boy showed up. I said to him, I wonder as which part of my personality you manifest and he crawls into the bed to sleep. I hear the alarm of my sister or mom to wake up and I tell the boy that I will talk to him as soon as the person goes downstairs, so they wouldnt think I am crazy talking to a ghost. Then the boy goes thats not how its done and vanishes. Then some really crazy coloured punk-ish girl shows up and confronts me. She confronts me saying that I am a supper immoral person because I get a bunch of chances but dont actually take them. I know of course what she means, I got a lot of dating options, but am picky about it/ have concerns. - Its an interesting point because these options arent for free of course, women put energy into it. And the last one is my mom knocking wildly at the front door of the house screaming let me in. Of course I would let her in, I dont even know whats the matter. Explanation would be that she hates her job and wants to start her pension.

That I have demisexuel-ish preferences kind of sucks with an adhd mind as they in a sense work antigonisitically, but this also opens the question if one might be the cause for the other, if my adhd-mind causes demisexuel-ish preferences because my adhd-mind constantly chases something new and flashy and never gets to rest.

wtf

Politics is unnerving at the moment with Russia testing NATOs at its boarders. As long as it doenst hit you personally you can avoid looking at it, but this comes pretty close. With Trump in the white house who knows what shit will happen.

Just called off partying today I feel like I need some time for myself. But whenever I call something off I kind of feel like a looser. Damnit. And its interesting, this partying I am also afraid of and feel overwhelmed by created a nice background to enjoy my current experience more.. does it always require a background though?

Thinking about meaning creates a certain happiness in me. Just thought about how hookups make me feel and if I really want that. No, I want something authentic, but its just a ton of karma, raptile brain, horniness, social conditioning, .. mixing in. I hate this idea of being in a christian approved relationship, I want to be with a punk-goth-artist-whitch girl, drawing each other naked, going on adventure, doing weird sex and somehow acting out an authentic relationship even though that was never the goal.

Feels so good to sit on the couch, listen to meditative music and do nothing. It got me thinking though, when I am not taking responsibilities for my actions in dating life, if I fuck around maybe because it sounds cool but is not really true to me then I will end up not being very stable.

Meditation is something I havent figured out for me yet. I need it right now though.

I see it more as a culture war right now. There isnt a lot of space for men today to feel pride in being hardcore and rough and when woke science guys infiltrate their spirit place in the gym they backlash.

I still have mixed feelings for missing an opportunity with the artist girl. Last time I saw her she just came back from holidays and had a blast telling stories about it and I had somewhat of a free invite to join but didnt because the news that she has a boyfriend came just fresh to me.

My friend gave me such an intimate goodbye hug yesterday. I am used to that they are pretty intimate but this almost felt intercourse level intimate. Social people seem to have no problem letting people close to them, for me this feels like overload though.